Episode 426: Embracing Wisdom from Ella as she turns Sweet Sixteen

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, happy Winey Palooza Wednesday. Here we are and our middle child turned 16. Ella turned 16. Didn't Max just turn 16?

I thought about that the other day. The other day I said, what's going on here?

So our son turned 18 in January, Ella just turned 16 on Monday, and our youngest Lily is 12.

Where did the time go?

I don't know.

I don't understand how we're old enough to have kids this old.

I don't know, I'm just getting younger.

They got older, we didn't change.

I'm going the other way, I'm getting younger. So I like to kind of— birthdays make me reflect. You probably know this about me already. And you got to make sure we're in the frame.

We're in the frame.

This is—

so we have cameras facing the other way so that we can see the sun, so that you can see the sign. We can't see, we're not watching ourselves. We're looking at the lens.

Very odd. Yeah, very odd. I don't know that I like this at all.

Okay, so, Ella's Facebook.

So I'm reflect— I reflect every birthday. I reflect. And so I was thinking about all of the lessons that Ella has taught me, because our kids are our greatest teachers, and my kids teach me so many lessons. Do you feel the same way?

I do. I think they teach us as much as we teach them.

Yes, so I wanted to share with you and maybe teach you guys some stuff, and I would love to hear lessons that your kids are teaching you. And, you know, I have said this many times, bear with me, okay? So the first lesson has to do with Ella being almost 6 weeks early. So for those of you who don't know, Ella was born—

she was preemie.

Almost 6 weeks early and was sent to the NICU right away. And for all of you moms who have had a baby, when a mom has a baby, she wants her baby with her.

Yes, right.

She does not want the baby whisked away. Whisked?

Yeah, you said it right.

Okay, so my first lesson from Ella: life is busy happening while you are making plans. So here's what I want to shout to the rooftops to mothers. I am going to get this out to as many moms as I can.

Please help us share it as many times as I can.

You might make a birth plan, you might make some sort of plan for your kids, no matter how old they are. Plans don't always happen how you think. And like, we get too attached to our plans. And Ella came into this world teaching me that I need to be flexible. I need to go with the flow. I need to be thankful. And, you know, thankfully Ella was okay.

Yes.

Um, that was the most important part. So, you know, looking back, the most important thing is that mom is okay and baby is okay.

Yes.

So like, if I could go back, I would put things into such a different perspective for myself.

So much easier on yourself.

And, and like, I think that's the theme of moms, like You know, I'm in my Wine Inclusive Mom group comment, you know, responding to comments tonight, and we're doing a challenge, and I asked about advice for moms. And time and time again, people are saying that moms need to be easier on themselves. We're so hard on ourselves. We think things need to be perfect. It's okay that Ella had to go to the NICU. It's okay that things aren't going as I planned. Ella's okay, she's being taken care of. I'm okay, Max is okay. My parents were taking great care of Max. So here I am in the hospital all stressed out because I'm not with Max and Ella, and they were both fine.

Yes, they weren't the ones upset.

If I could go back, I would have handled that situation so much better. So I'm trying to help other moms benefit from your experience. Go with the flow. Ella wants me to go with the flow. She wants me to be flexible. And she's gonna tell me that I might make a plan, her plan is probably different. And that goes even when she's 16.

Yes.

I had a plan of what I wanted her 16th birthday to look like, and she said, no, Mom, it's not what I want. So plans don't always go how I think.

That's right.

Go with the flow, people. Ella marches to her own drummer. And that— I just said that with the birthday. Like, I wanted to give her like this big sweet 16 like, let's do something big.

Oh, I did not know about this.

And I was like, let's do this and let's do this and let's go here and let's do this. And she's like, Mom, I literally want a game night with a few friends.

All right, well, I like her plan better.

So something's like, Ella's cheaper.

I did not know about this.

I was like, let's do this, I got this idea and this idea. And she's like, Mom, I'm so glad I missed all of this. You missed all of it.

Good job, Ella.

Um, you know, the books tell you, you know, like, this is just one of many examples. The books tell you that you're um, toddlers should start walking at 1, and Ella was like, peace out, I'm gonna sit here and I'm not gonna listen to you. I'll walk when I want to walk. So Ella is gonna do what she wants to do when she wants to do it, and she marches to her own drum, and that's okay. And the book— if the book says that your child will—

what the milestones are—

will do this at this time, Ella will say, eh, I'll think about it. Right, right. Even now.

Yes. She's like, you're still reading the books to tell us what you should be doing?

No, but I bet you there is one.

What to Expect When You're Having a Teenager.

Okay, so a perfect example is puberty. Okay, so it'll say your daughter will go through puberty at age 12, and I'm just throwing that out there. And Elle's like, eh, I'm not ready. I'll go through puberty when I want to go through puberty. Okay, he doesn't like that topic. Moving on.

Speaking of other ways to embarrass Ella.

Okay, we won't embarrass Ella, we'll just praise Ella. Yes, this is, this is the praise Ella episode. We think very differently. I joked around with her today at the dentist and I said to the wonderful lady cleaning her teeth, I said, did she come out of my womb? Because I don't know what she's talking about, she doesn't sound like me at all. Um, she definitely has her own mind and her own opinions, her own opinions. And what I love about Ella is she's like, she'll say things like, did you fact check that?

Yeah.

Where did that come from?

I do not know.

So, you know, we, we will not be surprised if she ends up in law school one day. That will not surprise me one bit. So we think very differently, and you're making sure that we're responding and that it's working.

Yes.

Okay, so I can appreciate that she is going to stretch my mind and make me think about things, and I appreciate that about her.

Yes.

Right?

Yes, she is definitely teaching us things.

Embrace your unique self. Okay, so, so what is that? White Fox. Okay, so White Fox hoodies are all over TikTok. Like, it is like— if you're not on TikTok, it has blown up.

And no, no, it's on your newsfeed. It is not online.

Okay, stop. Don't go off to the races in a different direction.

Sorry.

Okay, the reason I'm telling you this is because Lily our youngest is like, I want a White Fox hoodie. Can I get another one? Can I get another one? Can I get a different color? And I said to Ella, I'm getting Lily all of these hoodies, would you like one? Oh, those are so basic, she says to me. Those are basic, I don't want those. Like, Ella is unique. She doesn't want to do what everybody else is doing. She likes what she likes. She wants to wear what she wants. She has a unique style. She has her own taste in music and her own taste in clothes. And Ella doesn't care what the masses are doing. Ella cares what she likes.

Yes.

And I really admire that.

Yes, her individualism. Absolutely.

I love it. So she has definitely taught me to like embrace yourself and be your own unique self. Okay, so live in the moment. Ah, so Ella will just be sitting and thinking. She will be taking a picture of something that she's like— she's a really good photographer, partly because she's just so present and she sees the moment and she captures it. And she slows me down. Okay, so I'm off to the races.

Yes.

Telling her about our day, and she's like, um, I'm just I'm just gonna like do my one thing right now. Can I talk to you later about the rest? Like, she really helps me stay present, and I think she does a really good job of being wherever her feet are, which is the advice Seth gave to me.

Yes.

So if she's in class, she's in class. If she is singing, she's singing, and she's not thinking about what's next. And she's not racing off. Do you see that about her?

I do. She's very good at that. I admire that. I don't always do that.

I love how present she is. And you know, the other thing about Ella is if you have a conversation with her— so Seth and I are working on this— because if you have a conversation with Seth, this is praise, this is not criticism.

Okay, thank you for the disclaimer.

He his mind races like a million miles a minute. Like, he is thinking about 10 things that he can tell you to help you with whatever your problem is, okay? Like, he is a thinker and a doer and a solver, okay? If you sit with Ella, it's a totally different experience. And I'm not putting you down.

Thank you.

You're your own person.

Yes.

And she's very different. Yes. And if you sit with Ella and you talk to her, you know that she's just sitting there listening. She's literally listening, taking everything in, and maybe she will give you advice, maybe. And we're blown away by the things she says to us.

Yes, and I wonder where she came from.

Like, she'll say things to us and we're like—

Are you really 16?

I don't think she's really 16. I think she's an old soul. Yeah, and I just can't believe what a good listener she is. And if you see her sitting with her friends, like, you can see her really listening to them and taking in what they're trying to tell her. And I really appreciate that about her. Yeah, and, and she has taught that to me because it started a couple years ago because I interviewed her. I interview her at least once a year on her birthday. Right? I think it's at least once a year.

Yes.

And she's really good at it. She's like one of the most requested guests that I have. Like people will say, "Can you interview Ella again?" 'Cause they can't believe the things that she says. She's like this wise old soul. So I said, "Ella, can you give the parents some advice?" And she said, "Parents need to not give advice." and just listen to their kids. And I have taken that to heart because she really wants us to listen, and she's showing us that through her actions because she's a good listener and she wants that in return. So I think that's one of the greatest lessons that she's taught me—

a fully present listener. Absolutely.

I know, like, I'll hear— I'll hear Seth talking to her. Seth will be like, you know, I want to tell you about the situation at work, Seth will talk to her because she's so freaking smart.

Yes.

So if he's telling her about something, she, she might have the solution.

She gives me great advice.

She gives you really good advice.

Yes.

And if you watch her listening to Seth, it's like the cutest thing. Like, she's really listening. I'm really impressed with her.

Yeah, for sure.

Not that I don't want her to be a therapist. No, not that she would be a great therapist, but I don't know that that's her calling. Courage to explore new passions. Oh, she doesn't think twice. She gets that from you. She doesn't think twice starting something new, like, I'm gonna write poetry, I want a camera, I'm gonna get into photography. Like, she does not think twice to try new things, getting a new hobby and being creative. And that inspires me.

Awesome.

And she gets that from you.

I'll take the credit for that.

Tell them about how you're like that.

I'm always a voracious learner. I always want to learn something new and stretch myself.

So I wrote this in a blog at wineexclusive.com. You can like literally read the whole thing, but I wrote that she gives me courage to try new things and step out of my comfort zone. And you know, my kids inspire me. They really do. They make me better. Don't you think they make me better? They give me good advice. They tell me what they need. And I'm going to tell you, they all need something different from me on a regular basis. Do you see that? That they all need— yes, yes. Okay, now this is one of the biggest things that she has taught me: kindness, calmness, and patience. Is key. Isn't it? Our key. Kindness, calmness, and patience are key. Is key.

Don't worry about the grammar, honey.

I'm a little worried about the grammar because I already posted this. We'll get back to that. Okay, so Ella's nervous system needs me to be a stabilizing force, and I noticed that when she gets all upset I can easily make her more frantic and upset. Like, if I'm revved up, like, I'm mad, so like she's upset. She needs me to ground her and calm her. And in general, she wants me to be like calm and patient and kind. And I can tell based on her reactions that her nervous system is picking up what my nervous system is doing. Yeah, it's like we have to regulate ourselves to help regulate our kids, and it's much more noticeable with certain kids. Like, Max will be like, Mom's being Mom, like, freaking relax, Mom. Like, he's just like, I don't know, he's kind of like chill.

Yes.

Right?

More immune to it.

He's just like, oh Mom, like, chill out. He'll be like, really Mom, I spilled a few crumbs, that is not a big deal. And he doesn't get upset, whereas Ella will be like, oh, what did I, what did I do? I'm so sorry. And I'm like, oh boy, I have to like take it down a notch. Yeah, I gotta be calm. Like, she can easily be like, I'm looking for the word, she's a mirror. Yes, but, um, a quick—

she empathized, she—

he doesn't know the word—

resonates with your feelings, no, magnifies them, no, affected by them.

When you're, when you're, um, agitated easily, like you're— oh, I don't know, I'm— he's not helping me with the word. What is the word that I'm looking for? I, I'm sorry, I will get back to you. There is a word for it. It is probably a psychological word, which is why he's not helping me.

You read the textbooks, I did not.

Um, anyways, bring it, bring the self-regulation for my daughter. Finding joy in learning. Ah, if Ellen and I were friends in high school, she would have helped me enjoy the learning process. I was very bored in high school. I definitely came alive in college when I was studying psychology and actually like loved the subject. But in high school, I just— I see how excited she is to come home and tell us what she's learning. And like, she's reading the textbook and she's online looking at research and she like loves to learn. And I'm like, Max and Ella really enjoy learning.

Yes, they do.

Where were they in high school?

Like, they could inspire you.

They could have inspired me to actually, like, enjoy the process. And I love that about her, and I think she will always be a ferocious learner, and I think she will always be, you know, reading and looking things up. And, you know, like her telling me, what's your source? Go look it up, Mom. I don't think you have the right source.

Yes, that's the journalist in her.

So anyways, she loves to learn, and it inspires me to love to learn. But I do think that you and I love to learn and grow, so maybe she gets it from us. But it does inspire me.

Yes.

Okay, so this is a really good one from Miss Ella: the importance of self-care. So Ella is really good at the word no, like really good at it. And if you know me, you know that I'm— that's not like my favorite word.

You love to say yes.

I love to say yes. It gives me such joy to say yes to everything. You want a new Jellycat? Okay. You want me to drive you to your friend's house? Okay. You want me to join a committee? Okay. Like, I want to say no more committees. I tried to join a committee, they turned me down. What?

Who would ever turn you down? How did Congratulations committee, but what happened here? I did not know about this.

Um, I, I submitted a form.

You did not tell me you had applied and gotten rejected.

Oh boy. Um, I submitted a form to be on the phone committee.

Oh, okay. So I knew that Ella wanted you to be on it. I didn't know they rejected you.

They rejected both of us.

How have you—

you've never been rejected from a volunteer.

They probably got so many people asking to be on the committee.

They were like, Rebecca's on every other committee, we gotta give somebody else a try.

I don't I don't really know how they— I don't know if they like drew names. I don't know if it was random.

I'm surprised you haven't called someone to find out and get to the bottom.

I don't know if they like picked one person per school. If you know, let her know. Let me know. Um, I was not picked. Ella was not picked. Ella wanted to be on it too. Um, so anyways, back to the point.

Yes, the point: self-care.

Ella is really good at saying no. Ella, do you want to go for a walk? No, I want to rest. Ella, do you want to go to the mall? No, I have to study. Like, she has her own agenda.

Yeah.

And whether it's studying or resting or regrouping, there are plenty of times where she's like, I want to get out of the house, I'll go with you to do whatever you want to do, and she's up for it. And there are plenty of times where she is like I need to decompress. Like, just leave me alone. I'm gonna do my thing and I'm gonna take care of myself. And that is really freaking inspiring.

Yes. Yeah, protect yourself.

She's really good at protecting herself, and she's really good at protecting herself from Lily and I, who will do everything all the time, because Lily and I will go from 6 AM. Yeah. Until 10 PM. Yeah, and not stop.

Yeah.

And Ella is like, oh, I need a break. Oh, I'm not doing that. So Lily is like, what's next? What's next? What's next? And Ella is like, um, the couch is next, right?

Yes.

So Ella gives— I don't even know if I can put this into words. Ella gives such unconditional love, and I'm gonna try not to cry.

Okay.

Um, I see the love that she gives to her friends. I see how accepting and forgiving and joyful, and just— she's just a really good soul. She has a good heart, she's a good person, and she just gives out such unconditional love. And I don't know that I've seen anyone do it as well as her. Very pure. Pure is Excellent work. Startle response.

You remember that.

Ella has a very sensitive startle response, and she'll be like— and I want her nervous system to be calm, so that inspires me to be calm.

Got lots of hearts for that one.

Oh, um, so I want her nervous system to be calm, so my nervous system my system has to become so that I can help her. And I don't want to contribute to the startle response that she has, but the love that she gives is so pure and innocent and non-judgmental and definitely inspires me. I mean, she makes me better.

Absolutely.

She makes me better. She challenges me. Oh my God, she has no problem challenging me. She will tell me like it is, and she'll also be like sweetest kid. She'll see when I'm like down on myself and she'll be like, Mom, you're so wonderful, you're such a great mom, why are you being down on yourself, you're too hard on yourself.

Yep.

What does she do for you? Any of these things?

All of these things?

Do you have anything to add to this?

I think you did a beautiful job encapsulating a lot of her strengths.

I mean, I really like dove deep.

You did.

Into my soul.

Yes.

Because part of— I think the most— Ella read this tonight and said that it made her cry.

Oh, that's the best feedback.

Um, I think that the best thing that we can give to people is writing how we feel about them. My friend Marcy, um, her birthday was the same day as Ella's. Happy birthday, Marcy! And her daughter reached out to me and was putting together letters for her for her birthday. That's so sweet. So I wrote Marcy a letter and sent it to Kelsey to add to the pile for Marcy. So I will see Marcy tomorrow and talk to her about this. But what an awesome idea, Kelsey and Jamie. It was probably both of their ideas. I'm not sure. I'll find out tomorrow. But there's no better thing than burying your soul.

Save those letters and read them forever.

Yeah, bury your soul, write to someone. I mean, you know, I, I picked her out presents to give to her, and she'll like them and she'll enjoy them, but like, words are priceless.

Yes.

I love when you write me a beautiful card. The cards are really important, I think.

Yes.

And the blogs.

Yes.

And the letters.

Yes.

All of them. So that is my blog to Ella of lessons that I have learned from her. And maybe I will do it again next year and see how it grows. What do you think?

Awesome, awesome, awesome. And you've got a very special podcast episode coming up on Friday.

Uh, Friday is Ella. I interviewed Ella and I said to my producer Adrian, I said, so save March 7th because I'm going to ask Ella if I can interview her for the podcast for her birthday. And Adrienne's like, oh, you get her to do that. She's like, she wanted it. She was like, give it to me, because she knows that Ella gives like amazing interviews. And I think it was awesome. Yeah, you didn't— did you listen to—

oh, you were on it.

You were on it. So I said next to her, so I said to Seth, you know, join us because you're gonna contribute and add stuff. Yes, you always do.

Thank you. So listen to the podcast on Friday and then go to winypalooza.com, get the Linktree, sign up for all of Rebecca's resources including the 3 times a week email newsletter. And with all of her content, help us get it to more people who can use it. So by like, comment, sharing, and subscribing.

We're in the middle of the March Challenge in the Winey Palooza Mom Facebook group, so go join in. You can go to all 5 days of the challenge, March 1st through March 5th. You can comment on everything. I'm going to leave it up for a couple days before I pick a winner. It is free, it is fun, it is supportive, and I'm gonna pick one or two winners. I have to decide. And, um, share this with someone with a teenager. I think it will help them. I hope it will help them. And thank you so much for joining us, and we will see you next week.

Happy WaniPalooza Wednesday!

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