Episode 427: A Parent's Pocket Guide to Improving Parenting

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Greene for the Whiny Pluza Podcast, and I am very excited today because I get to interview the wonderful Danielle Lindner. Danielle, thank you much for doing this with me today.

Thank you for having me.

We were both just complaining about the weather where we live, and I have a feeling Danielle's going to brighten my day, so I'm very excited to talk to her. You're already brightening my day, and I want to tell you about this fantastic lady. Danielle is an award-winning author, educational consultant, and parenting coach with an MA in teaching from Fairleigh Dickinson University. As founder of the London Day School and author of Parents' Pocket Guide to Surviving the Preschool Years, she combines her expertise in early childhood education with practical parenting solutions. Named among the top 25 leading women entrepreneurs, Danielle has been featured on major networks including ABC, NBC, and Fox and contributes to prominent publications like the Huffington Post and Reader's Digest. Well, I mean, she sounds absolutely amazing, and we are so lucky to hear from her today. I have— I told her I always come with way too many questions. I won't get to all of them, but I do want to start with— I would love to know what inspired you to get into early childhood education. Okay, sure.

So it's kind of funny. I I'm actually an entrepreneur and educator in residence for my daughter's college, High Point University. I did a lunch for the business students and a course for the ed students, and they both groups asked me that same exact question. And I started by saying I wanted to be a lawyer and I was a poli sci major, but I didn't have any mentors. And that's why I try to be a mentor to college kids. I Got accepted to law school, and then I was like, oh my God, I'm going to have to fight with people and yell and litigate, and the judges are going to tell me to be quiet, and I'm going to be so nervous.

So you went into early childhood education, you got your degree, and then how did that then take you to opening the London Day School?

So I actually I got a job as a kindergarten teacher in the public school system. And after being there a year and a half, I realized that the red tape of the public school system wasn't really for me. I really wanted to do things that was— were engaging to the kids, that were, you know, an enrichment. And if it wasn't approved by the board and in their specific parameters, you couldn't do it. And so what really changed my mind was I had a parent who worked for Berlitz, the language company, and he said, you know, I am fluent in Italian. I could come in once a week during snack and do like 10, 15 minutes of Italian with the kids.

Love it.

And I jumped on it. I'm like, that's amazing. They're gonna love it. It's free and it's enrichment. It's great. So I had him coming in for a couple of weeks and then I got called into the principal's office and she said, what are you doing? And I said, what do you mean? And she said, well, I hear there's a parent coming in teaching Italian and that's not approved curriculum. And I said, well, but it's enrichment and it's free and they're loving it. And she said, yeah, you can't do that. And I said, you know what? They are not caring about these kids. It's more about this whole bureaucracy than what's really great for these kids with these sponge minds. And I just said, I'm leaving. And my husband had started a recruitment process outsourcing company and it was getting quite big and he needed an operations director. And I was like, you know what, I'm out of education, I'm just going to do that. So I did that for like 15 years. And then when, you know, things started to move and he did, he was an early adopter of virtual people being virtual. Because he was servicing 44 different countries in all these different time zones.

Wow.

And everyone in one place wasn't the greatest idea. So half of our building was empty. And I said, you know, I, by that time I had 2 kids, one was in preschool, and I walked into the preschool one day, it was snowing out and they were just watching a movie. And I said to my husband, this is not what preschool should be. We have this building. Could I open a little school and make it what I think it should be? Enrichment, science, engineering, math, foreign language, character education. He's like, sure, go ahead. So I thought all you do is put out a sign, you decorate real nice, you buy toys, you get your curriculum, and then you just advertise and you get kids. And that's not how it goes. Like, the state literally gives you 9— like 987 or something like that checklists that you have to go through. You then you have to go through an environmental check, then you have to go through a state check, then you have to go through a town check, a town board, a land use attorney. It's hard.

So how do any of these preschools get opened? Oh my goodness.

Private, small private preschools. Are really hard to open. And you don't make a small private preschool because you want millions and millions of dollars like a big box franchise school. You have to do it because it's a passion project and it's your, you know, it's your love and you're doing it because you really want to give back to your families and to the community and to these children. And hopefully you have another source of income so you can eat.

Right?

Because, you know, despite how expensive preschool is, it's extremely expensive to run the school.

Oh, I bet.

And so, you know, um, I think that's one thing that I didn't understand as a parent, you know, wow, tuition's so expensive. And, but it's, you know, your payroll is your highest expense, even though teachers don't make a whole lot of money. But your facilities, and there's so many things that go into it. So it really has to be a passion project. And for me, it was a passion project that it's just been amazing. And I'm so happy I did it.

Well, and I'm so thankful for people like you because you can tell, you know, when you send your kids to a preschool and the teachers really want to be there and they really care. I mean, it is so different, such a different experience. I just wish that I had had your book. When my kids were in preschool. Okay.

It's okay.

So then we moved to, you wrote The Parent's Pocket Guide to Surviving the Preschool Years, which I needed. So tell us about this book and, and what people can find in it, what the feedback is from it.

Sure. So I have been working with thousands of parents over the 15 years that I've been owning a preschool. And you kind of feel like almost like a bartender in a way, because parents will come in your office and they bare their soul and they feel really alone if their child's biting or tantruming or having separation anxiety or not knowing how to potty train. At the same time, I started writing columns for the Huffington Post. And after years of writing and talking to parents, I realized that my reach was pretty small, there are millions of parents that need these tips and tricks. And if parents could just have a toolbox with strategies, then I felt like it was something I should write. And maybe no one will like it or read it, but I wanted to try. And so I wrote it and I wrote it in my voice. So, you know, all the Grammarly and the editors didn't love, you know, oh, that's kind of, I'm like, this is my voice. Yes. I want parents— I don't want this to be a preaching, you know, do this, do that. You have to do that. You're doing this wrong. I wanted that to come from the perspective of a mom and an educator who makes mistakes all the time and who did cry in the parking lot when she dropped her child off at preschool and struggles with kids with anxiety. And, you know, my child was biting. So I wanted them to know that you're not alone. And even someone in education with tons of experience still has learning to do. And so I wanted to impart that. And then I was shocked to see that all these people on Amazon where I put it, I'm selling it, were like, oh my God, it's invaluable. I can't live without it. Changed my life. It's the best book I ever read for parenting. And I sent this to my two girls. I said, read my reviews. They're like, How much did you pay them? I'm like, nothing. I don't even know these people. Thanks for your support, kids. Awesome.

They're gonna be using that book one day when they have kids, by the way.

Exactly. So, and the next book I'm gonna be working on is called The Kindergarten Blueprint, based on a study that my husband, who's an organizational psychologist, and my daughter, who's Rebecca Greene, going for a doctorate in clinical psychology, did with kids 2 years old to 4 years old to find out how they felt about themselves. And at what point do kids realize that they are better than, less than, smarter than, nicer than their peers? And it turned out by age 2, they're already forming these opinions. I know. It's shocking and it's sad that by 4, they already can feel bad about themselves. And so I want to write a book about before you get to kindergarten, these are the things that you should be doing to build your child's confidence and their, you know, self-awareness and all the tools that you should do before they get into the public school system or even the private school system, because it really does happen before kindergarten. By the time they're in kindergarten, they kind of have a perception about themselves. And I say it's better to get it right in the beginning than have to undo what happened, you know, things that happened before then. So that's the next project.

Well, I mean, first of all, I love that this is coming and I found you way too late, although I bet you can still help me. I bet you I'm still going to learn something. But I'm thinking about my son. I think he was 3 years old. He might have even been 2 when he bit his friend, and I was like, you know, like, it was like the first time he had ever done something like that, and I was like, so of course he felt bad about himself, and he was probably only 2 or 3, right?

You know, so it makes sense as you're explaining that, and it is, you know, age appropriate, right? But if they bite Like, my daughter bit twice in preschool, and they said if she bites a third time, she's going to be kicked out of school. And I was like, I'm working. I can't have her kicked out of school. I need her there. She likes the teachers. So the phone rings. It's the school. I'm like, here we go. Here it is. They call and they said, we're sorry to have to tell you this, but your daughter was bitten today by another kid. And I said, oh, Thank God. Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank God it wasn't her. I was like, ah.

And they're like, you're not mad? I said, no. I said, one, she probably realizes that she shouldn't bite now because she's experienced it. And two, she's not the only kid biting. So I felt like so happy. That's awesome. I was just like, thank you for this phone call. This was amazing. Oh my God.

It's so funny when we're thankful it's not our kid that they're called.

Yes.

So I don't wanna like pop quiz you, but I haven't read your book. I wish that I had before this, but like, do you have, it's okay. Do you have like a favorite tip or two that you can share with us to give us like a sneak peek?

Sure. I always say that kids, it's trickle down education, kids. You know, teachers are— I mean, parents are kids' first teachers, and they love and respect their parents, so they're going to take cues from you. So if you are nice and polite to people and deal with things calmly, they're going to emulate that. If you are rude or, you know, rough, or you're fighting with your spouse all the time, they're going to think that that's okay. If you come home from work and you immediately start wrestling, you know, they're going to probably do that in the classroom and get in trouble.

Oh, gosh.

Yeah, which happens. So I say, you know, the behaviors that you want from your child, they start with you first. Yes. So that, and also anxiety. That's huge.

Oh, let's talk about anxiety.

If you're anxious about sending your child to preschool, if you are not ready yet, don't do it. Wait till you feel ready. Because if— and I'm not saying wait till they're 5, you know, but if you have an 18-month-old and you're really not ready yet and you— and, you know, I think getting kids into preschool as soon as possible is amazing because the scaffolding skills that they learn from 18 months old is just like really catapults them to success later on. But if you're going to be anxious and worried and you haven't found the right place, the place where you feel like they're going to be safe and cared for and loved, wait till you find that place because they're going to pick up on that anxiety and then they're going to go to school and feel anxious. So it's better if you can drop your child off and use positive phrases like, I know you're going to have an amazing day, even if you're crying inside, you know. They'll pick up on that and they'll adjust faster if you can keep them consistently in school. So, you know, if you can do 5 days, it's the best for them because consistency for kids is so important. But say you only do 4 days, you know, try and don't do doctor appointments if you can on, on the, during the school day, because then it just ruins the flow for them, and it's hard for kids to transition. So I would say, like, those are the two biggest things that, you know, really affect them on a daily basis.

I mean, that makes so much sense. And I have to tell you, a woman that I worked with, another social worker, was like, anxious parents create anxious kids, so cut it out.

That's what she said. That is so true. That's so true. My parent, my kids say to me, mom, you're always warning us about the worst thing that could ever happen to us. And I'm like, well, bigger kids, bigger problems. Like, you know, my daughter was gonna go skiing and she was in a, she was, I don't know, 20 and she really didn't ski. So I said, look, don't be brave because brave people die. —and she's like, thanks, Mom, for that. I thought you were gonna say, you can do it. I'm like, yeah, if you'd been skiing for 20 years, but you like went once.

I will tell you the good news is I grew up skiing, and when I took my family skiing, I looked around, everyone was wearing helmets. Yeah. Oh, this is new.

Yeah. So we are hoping— there's a point at which your kids are too young to give them this kind of information, and you really want to limit what you tell them. If they're anxious about something that they just caught on the news or something, you have to ask them first what they know rather than giving them more information than they already have. You know, recently there was, you know, a plane crash in Washington. and it was all over the news and a lot of kids see that and they're going on vacation and flying and they're scared. Yes. Yes. And I say, you know, just be very simply, there was, there was a, you know, a problem on the plane, but the helpers are fixing it and, you know, you're safe and I'm, I'm here with you and just leave it at that. When they're 20, then you have to tell 'em don't go out alone and change your Uber name and, you know, all that stuff. Oh my God.

My oldest is 18 and I'm like, there's just so much we could talk about with that, but I understand bigger kids, bigger problems. Yes. Yes.

Don't send the news articles to your 4-year-old, but you can send them to your 20-year-olds.

Oh my gosh. But you know what? My mom still calls me and is like, you know, it's It's like a snowstorm out there. I hope you're not going out.

Yes, I hope you're home.

I'm like, I'm home, I'm home, I'm not going anywhere. So you mentioned transition, and I think that transitions are a huge thing in our kids' lives, whether— I mean, and I don't know how far you can take this, but I have seen the transition to preschool, to kindergarten, to middle school. Like, all the transitions are hard. So can you give us some tips? Sure. Yeah.

So start working with kids on transitions when they're very little and teach them how to have— give them a little bit of control over their transitioning. And what I mean by that is, so if kids are working on an art project or they're working on a video game or whatever it might be, you can't really say to a kid, all right, turn it off now, it's bedtime. Right. Because if we were working on something on our computer or whatever, we said, oh, you want to go to bed now? It's time. We'd be like, yeah, give me 5 minutes. Let me wrap it up. Yeah. And then I'll go. And we have to give our kids that same respect. And then it teaches them how to regulate their time. The other thing you can do is use an egg timer and give it to your child and say, how much time do you think you need to finish up what you're doing and get ready for the bedtime routine. And they might say, you know, on the 5, or I want it on the 10. Do something that you both agree on and have them set the timer. And when the timer goes off, they can bring it to you and say they are ready. Give them a little stewardship over things if you can. You know, when they're 18 months old, that's not going to work, or 2. But for the most part, it's just giving kids a little bit of grace. And the same grace that we would want. So when you're ready to go out to dinner and your husband is like, come on, come on, we need to get in the car. You're like, I need a second. I need a minute. And so do our kids.

I mean, I love that you explained that to me because I will be like, let's go. I mean, they need a warning. And my son is really good at explaining this to me. He's the one who taught me for his younger sisters because he's like, Mom, I'll do whatever you want. You just have to like prepare me. Like, I need to know what your expectations are.

Right. Yes. Like in school, when it's 5 minutes before cleanup, we flash the lights and that gives them like a visual clue that, you know, start wrapping up. And then we start singing a cleanup song. And so it makes it fun. And they know that we're transitioning to the next activity. So those little clues are really important for kids and adults.

So don't you miss it? Oh my gosh, I miss my kids being that age.

Oh my gosh. I just got on Facebook a video from 8 years ago from my daughter who's now in college singing in musical theater, which she doesn't even do anymore. And like, I had tears coming down my face. It was the cutest thing ever. But one of the things I also tell parents is let them be butterflies. Let them try things. She liked it for a while, and then she didn't. Then she liked yoga. Then she liked dance. And, you know, if you can let kids experience things, they'll find their niche, and they'll find the things that they really love. And even though she was amazing at musical theater, you know, it wasn't really her thing. So now she's in social media marketing and fashion, and that's her thing. But I'm happy that I let her try things because I think that's really important for kids.

I couldn't agree more. My daughter was just telling me she doesn't have room in her schedule for chorus next year, and I was like, you will find room. It's like, I don't care that you want to try something else. No, you're right. You're absolutely right, and I'm wrong. I am hearing you. I told you I would learn something. So we have you know, the academic achievement, we have the emotional development. Can you help us kind of balance the two? Because I think parents get overfocused on one or the other.

Yes. So, you know, social-emotional, um, strengths are really important for kids, and it takes time for that to develop. And academics takes time to develop. And they're both equally important. I think character education with preschool kids is so important. I wrote a curriculum for our school addressing different issues that kids might have, like getting new glasses, being afraid of the dark, being afraid to go to a doctor. There's all different aspects that we need to work on with our kids to make them socially and emotionally strong and teach them conflict resolution, because that's important. Um, and then at the same time, balancing it with the academics. And I think if you have a a preschool program that's balanced, you know, and you use that— we use a scaffolding approach. So every class is important because you're constantly building on the social-emotional things and the academic things. Sometimes parents will say, oh, well, they haven't been in school at all, but I want to put them right into the 3s class. Even though they technically could go into the 3s class, they haven't learned everything they need from the 2s class. So Maybe let's try a few months in there and get them up to speed because it's really important skills. I had a dad come to me and the first day with his 2-year-old, he said, so can you get him into my alma mater, University of Pennsylvania? And I said, let's get him out of pull-ups first.

Okay. Oh my gosh. And the funny thing is he's probably really serious. He was really serious.

Yeah. I had another mom who had a 3-year-old in our school, and she asked me if I knew any reading tutors for her 3-year-old. Now they are going to end up resenting you and hating school. Yeah. And give kids a break. Like, they need to have a balance between play and learning and fun and all these different things. There's so many years that they're going to be sitting in a classroom just listening to lectures all day. Give them that. Give them those early years to explore and be kids. Yes, I couldn't agree more.

I know so much more now than then, so I'm glad we're sharing this with everybody. I think that parents have a lot of misconceptions about the younger years.

I think the biggest misconception is that there are perfect moms and perfect dads. And they see it all over Instagram. Yeah. And they think that my child is bad and they don't listen because I'm a terrible parent. And I want moms and dads to realize that most kids are the same and you can only do the best that you can do. Do your best. If you need coaching, which I love doing one-on-one coaching with parents, like do that for yourself, do that for your kids. Because the only thing that we never got a manual for— we get a manual for our car, for our refrigerator, for everything, but not how to raise our kids. You know, you're just expected to like, here you go, go to it. And so, well, yeah, I think, you know, parents should be— if they're— be open to getting help. And also don't get shamed by Instagram because no one's going to put on Instagram the bad moments. They just don't. And everyone has them. I had them. Everyone has them.

Yes. Well, and you and I have read lots and lots about parenting, and I always tell people it doesn't matter how many experts I talk to, doesn't matter how many classes I take, I still have challenges.

Yes. And they have different kinds of parenting styles now. That's the big thing, like the calm parent, the peaceful parent, the authoritarian parent. Yeah, um, none of those work for every child, right? And most of the time I say you need to take all of those different approaches for the situation that you're in. You know, if you have a child that's running across the street into car traffic, you need to be an authoritative parent. The peaceful parenting approach when your kid's in danger is not appropriate. If you have a child that's wearing weird clothes and, you know, you're like, it's not the best outfit for preschool, you can take more of a calm, peaceful parenting approach and work through it. But I think to say, oh, I'm this kind of parent or I'm this kind of parent, it just doesn't work.

I like that you're taking the pressure off because I think parents do think they have to identify as a certain type of parent. So, I mean, you talk to so many parents. What common challenges are you hearing from them?

Bedtime struggles are big. A lot of stalling. Yes. A lot of bedtime stalling. Yeah. Defiance. And I think a lot of the defiance does come from parents trying to be everything and trying to be the pa— you know, the best friend and loved rather than necessarily being authoritative in certain situations. Tantruming. Yes, that's a big one. And, and separation anxiety. I think now with everything going on in the world and, you know, after COVID and all these different changes, kids have become somewhat more resilient, but they've also got more They've also become more anxious in a sense. So, you know, the anxiety is a big one.

So let's talk about separation anxiety. Right. Because, ugh, and the kids cry and cry and cry. Yeah. So give the mom advice who is having this struggle with their child.

Okay. So first of all, in my case, I could not let my husband drop my child off because as soon as she would cry, he would bring her home. Oh, okay.

It was opposite for us, so that's good to know.

So the parent that's gonna cave should not be the drop-off parent. Not me. Yes. If you pick a school where you are in good communication with the director, good communication with the teacher, you trust them, then you have to trust that if they're crying for longer than, you know, 30 minutes, they're going to call you. Drop them off with confidence and let them know they're going to have a great day and they're going to be okay and they're going to have fun. And when you pick them up, don't say, were you okay? Did you do okay? Because that's really for us, because we want them to say, no, Mommy, I missed you. I wanted you all day because it makes us feel— but what you really should be saying are, I bet you had an awesome day. What did you read today? What did you do with your teacher? What friends did you play with? And, you know, make it really positive. And that really helps with the separation anxiety. And if you're having separation anxiety, call 4 times a day to the school and check in on your child. I did, you know, until you feel okay. It's okay to do that.

Well, and I want to tell you from my experience that they, even my friends at the school, because I made friends with so many people at the school, they were like, oh God, within like 2 minutes of you leaving, it'll be fine. He, he's just giving you a show. I still couldn't do it. I still made my husband do it.

It is really true. It is really true. And it's so funny. We had a little girl who do that every day and she would cry for a good long time. Oh. And the parents, and I said, all right, maybe let's have the nanny sit in the classroom for like a week or two and slowly, you know, and maybe do like a half day instead of a full day. Like, let's. You know, you're not going to torture the child. Let's, like, take baby steps if you can. Some parents that are working full-time, they don't have the luxury of doing that. But if you do, take baby steps. Well, after a month, she was fine. She was running the classroom. And when new kids would come in and cry, she would be annoyed at them. I love that story. Say, stop crying. She's like, I'm over it.

It's your turn to get over it. Exactly.

It was so cute because she became really confident on her at her timeline. And it was, it was nice. It was nice to see. I love it.

And I want to take this to college because next year my son goes to college and I can apply everything you're saying to that. Yes. I don't want him to be sad and missing me and calling me, and I want him to fly and be confident and have a good time and succeed. So, like, I can use everything that you said.

Yes. When my oldest daughter went to college, she— I'm in New Jersey and she was in college all the way in Los Angeles. Oh my gosh. And after I dropped her off, because you're with this little child for 18 years every single day, I had 3 months of— I was really depressed for 3 months. I was really grieving that time and that relationship. And parents need to know that's okay. Yeah. Because you're grieving. It's a loss. It is a loss. And you have to just you go through it. And I wanted her— I didn't want her to feel that, but it happens. And with the second one, it's like, alright, see ya. I missed her, but they were also two different kids. My older one was much more clingy as a child. My younger one was more like I'd drop her off at school and she wouldn't even look back. Bye. So they're just different kids, different personalities. But every time I go to parents weekend and I drop her off, I cry all the way to the airport. They're your babies. It doesn't matter how old they are.

So, so you mentioned tantrums and I want you to know, forgive my 12, 12-year-old who I adore. She still sometimes has little, what I would call tantrums. Yeah. Help us with navigating tantrums no matter what age our child is. Yes.

So the important thing is if you can try and keep a log. Of when the tantrums happen and what precipitates the tantrum. You know, what do you think is triggering the tantrum so that you can sort of prepare ahead of time? So maybe it's when they're hungry or when they're tired or, you know, when they're stressed out about homework. And so then you can sort of plan for that ahead of time, have a snack ready, have an earlier bedtime, do homework help, you know, things like that. When, if you have a little one and you're like in a supermarket, engage them so that they don't have time to tantrum. Say, I want you to help me pick out all the red things. I want you to help me pick out the snacks, you know, so that they're busy. When you're busy, you can't tantrum. Such good advice. Yes. And you know, the other thing is when they're having a full-on tantrum, if you're home, don't engage. Do not give any attention to the tantrum. Give the attention when the tantrum's over, and/or when they do something where you think they would have tantrumed and they don't. Shower them with tons of positive praise because kids often tantrum just because they want some type of attention. They don't care if it's positive or negative. So you say to them, when you're done, come talk to me. And we can figure out what you need. And then they're like, what? You're not going to yell at me? You're not going to say, oh, poor thing, what can we do to make you better? No, because that's what they want. It's manipulation. Tantrums are manipulations. So plan ahead, keep them busy, and don't engage.

Yeah, I mean, I think that I clearly see when it's manipulation and when it's not manipulation. And I wanna talk to you about that because sometimes what I see is the lack of coping skills, like just not knowing how to deal with something.

Yes, that's true. Especially when they get a little older, right?

Yes. Yes. Oh my gosh. Yes. So how do we help them with that?

So those times after the tantrums are done, sit down and have a really good heart-to-heart and talk about how, how do you feel when you're tantruming? You probably don't feel good. It probably feels stressful to you and upsetting to you, and it can't make you feel physically good. But what do you think makes you unable to deal with, you know, the person at school or the homework stress or What is it that makes you frustrated so that you have the tantrum? And then, you know, why don't we work together to figure out tools that we can give you so that you can cope better? And just be like open and honest and talk to them like human beings and, you know, in more of an adult way because they understand more than we think they do. Even 4-year-olds, they're really smart.

They really are. My husband used to make fun of, fun of me for like the conversations that I would have with them, but I think it paid off.

Yes, absolutely. I mean, don't bargain. Don't bargain your way out of a tantrum. And if they do something that they should not be doing and you say, well, then you're not going to the play date, no matter what, even if the rest of the day they're angels, you need to stick to that because if you make it like they're in a casino, like a gambler, and if they pull the lever and win once, they're gonna keep playing that game. It's so hard.

I hear you and it is so hard.

Don't pick a punishment that doesn't fit the act. So, you know, if they're not eating their dinner, Don't say the punishment is you're not going to a playdate because that doesn't really go— say you're not eating your dinner, you're not getting dessert. You know, do something that makes sense that they can kind of understand why they're having the consequence. And don't pick punishments that you can't follow through on. So if you know I need them at this playdate because I have a meeting and I have nowhere else for them to be, then that can't be the punishment because you can't stick to it, right? Right. I remember my mom telling me that her and my dad took my daughter out, you know, for the day and she was acting up and he said to her, if you don't stop this, you're not coming to lunch with us. And my mom said, where's she going to go? She's 5. Of course she's going to lunch with us.

Well, we just have to think for a moment before we threaten something because it's really something that we want to follow through with.

Definitely going to lunch with us.

So, so before I let you go, I really want to touch on technology because there, you know, phone, the iPad, the computer, the TV. Can you talk about challenges you're seeing and recommendations you have around the constant use of technology? Yes.

Well, I'm seeing a lot of parents use technology as a babysitter. Mm-hmm. And I get it because, you know, some parents have more than one child. They're all alone. They have no help. And they need one of the kids or two of the kids to just be by themselves for a little bit on something they can do without help so they can maybe focus on a newborn or the younger child. I get it. But there has to be limits. And I think it's a good idea to make a technology contract with your kids and have them build that contract with you. So say, you know, a certain part of the day after school, if you're going to get technology time, because, you know, there are benefits to it, but here's— let's come up with a time period, like maybe we have 30, 45 minutes before bedtime routine, or— but always buffer it with a calming routine. So like we can do technology, but then we need, you know, 15, 20 minutes of reading a book. Things that don't ding and buzz and give instant gratification because kids need to wind down. I think kids don't sleep well 'cause they're not winding down. They're going from this crazy video game to trying to get to sleep and it, it's not great. So I think make a contract with your kids. When they're old enough to understand. Even 4 and 5-year-olds will understand.

We need to give our kids more credit because they— yes, I mean, you nailed it when you said even when they're young, they are really smart.

They're smarter than I was when I was young. The things they do in kindergarten now are like— we never did fractions in kindergarten. Now they're doing fractions. We were doing like 1 plus 1.

They ask me for help with homework and I'm like, oh God. I don't touch the math at all. No, cannot help you. I'm sorry. Go ask your brother is what I say every day. Yes, I do.

I can do English. I can help them with English, history, that kind of stuff. Yeah. But anything with numbers, that's my husband. He's the stats guy. I don't even touch it. My brain just shuts down and hurts.

I agree more. I totally agree. Oh my gosh. Well, I asked you So many questions. Do you think there's anything else that you want to share that I didn't ask you? I don't think so.

Your questions are great.

Oh, I'm so happy. I really so appreciate your time today and your expertise. Can you tell everybody listening where to find you? Sure.

So they can go to my website, which is DanielleLindner.com, and it's L-I-N-D-N-E-R. Everyone forgets The second N. Yeah. They can also go to Amazon to find my book, The Parent's Pocket Guide to Surviving the Preschool Years. And my Instagram, which has a lot, uh, Instagram and YouTube has a lot of tips, especially my YouTube. I do a lot of videos for parents in like short clips with little tips and tricks. So that's daniellelinderofficial@gmail.com. And if you go there, you'll see a whole bunch of. You know, things about tantrums, making the supermarket trip easier, bedtime, getting a new puppy, what should you look out for? All different tips and tricks. And Instagram is just Danielle.Linder. There's fun stuff on there too.

So fun. Well, I loved talking to you and learning from you today.

Love talking with you.

This is Rebecca Greene, and I want to remind everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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