Episode 445: Mother's Day Special with my Mini Me

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No need to whine and schwiney palooza. Have some wine and join us on the Winey Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the Winey Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Greene for the Whiny Pluza Podcast, and this is a very exciting and special episode. Episode for me today because I have my daughter Lily on to interview me for a Mother's Day special.

Hi, Lily! Hi, Lily!

Thank you so much for doing this with me.

No problem, anytime.

Um, Lily is my youngest child. She is 12 years old, and I appreciate her taking time out of her busy schedule to interview me. And before we go on, I'm going to open the door because Tanner is crying at the door, so 2 seconds, everybody. Lily, get ready with your questions. Okay, I'm ready.

Okay, I'm gonna start it off with what's one thing you learned from being a mom?

I learned how strong I am. I learned how much I can handle. What do you think about that?

That's a good answer. My next question is, what is one thing you think everyone needs to realize before they become a mom?

What does everybody need to realize? That is a good question, Lily. I think that everyone needs to realize that they can handle more than they think that they can, and they need to realize that things are going to be out of their control. So they might want things to run a certain way, and their children will have another idea. So maybe learn flexibility before you become a parent.

Yeah, I get what you mean. My next question is, what do you think like every mom needs to commit to when they have kids?

Like not even just like kids, like What does a mom need to commit to? Okay, so, um, I think that I got it wrong for many years, um, so I would love to teach people this. I think that moms need to commit to doing things for themselves so that they stay sane to actually be able to be a better mom for their kids. And I think that when I had kids, I thought that it needed to be all about my kids and that that was being a good mom and that taking time for myself was selfish. But I want to teach my kids that you always need to take time for yourself so that you have better coping skills and ability to handle parenthood.

Mm-hmm.

Does that make sense?

Mm-hmm. My next question is, what's the hardest part about being a mom?

The hardest part is staying calm when I get upset. So I— and not taking things personally. So like, you'll get upset and I might not like something that you say or how you're treating me, and I really want to be able to realize a couple of things. Number 1, that you need— that you're upset and you need me to stay calm to help you. And number 2, that usually when you're that. It has nothing to do with me, so I need to not take it personally because when we take it personally, it's much harder. Does that make sense to you?

Yeah.

Yeah. So usually it comes out later that you're upset about something that happened at school or something, and it really had nothing to do with me. It's usually not something that I did.

Yeah.

So, I, if I can keep myself in check, if I can keep myself regulated and calm, then everything goes smoother. And I think that's easier said than done. I mean, I wanna ask you, do you see me that sometimes I effectively do that and sometimes I don't?

Um, yeah, you mostly do that. You don't always— like, whenever like there's something going on or like we're like putting our anger out towards you, you're always like a good mama, like taking stuff slow and not just like taking all your anger out.

Yeah, because I get like— sometimes the things that you— like sometimes you're grumpy and you're just cranky and I just need to let you have your space. And like your dad will say, just leave her alone. Oh my gosh, go ahead, Lily.

Okay, is like when you were younger and you were like, I want to be a mom, is being a mom what you expected it to be?

Oh my goodness, um, you know that I always dreamed of being a mother, like since I was tiny, tiny. It was like always my dream and I knew I was gonna love it and motherhood is so much better than I ever could have dreamed of. Like, I love it so much. And what I want to say to everybody is it's not easy and some days are harder than other days, but it is so much better than I could have even dreamed of.

What is one memory you have of me as a kid?

Oh, oh, cutest baby. Okay, what were some, like, memories of you as a kid? Yeah, they came out. Do you know what just came to me, Lily? Do you remember when you were tiny and I took you to ballet classes? Yeah, you loved it so much. We would go to the YMCA with your friends, and you were the cutest little ballerinas. You were just— so I want to tell you, you were so easy. So you're number 3. And the other two would have stuff going on, and you just came along with us and did everything, and we're just happy to be along for the ride. You were always so easy.

My next question is, what is something you would tell your younger mom self?

I would tell my younger mom self so many things. Okay, I am going to tell every single mother listening, two words: compassion and grace. I was so hard on myself. I expected myself to be so perfect. I expected my house to be perfect. I expected my kids to be perfect. I expected myself to be perfect. If I could talk to my younger self, my younger mom, I would say, um, give yourself more compassion. Don't expect any of you to be perfect. Your house doesn't have to be perfect. Your kids don't have to be perfect. And for the love of God, take a break.

That's a really good answer.

Thank you, honey.

Uh, what's the funniest thing I've ever done as a kid?

Oh my God, you are so silly. You just You just get me laughing so hard. The two of us get laughing so hard together. You'll just, just be silly and just start laughing. Like, you literally will just— when you were tiny, you would just start giggling, and then I would start giggling, and it was just so fun. You were just such a happy baby, such a happy kid. You just did— you just wanted to get the giggles.

Out of all the Mother's Day gifts you've gotten, what do you think your favorite one has been?

Oh gosh, um, honestly, anything that you made at school for me, anything that you wrote for me, all the handmade stuff. And the words that you write in your cards are just so beautiful. Like, I treasure that kind of stuff.

Good answer. Um, kind of come up with questions. Oh, what's your favorite part of our family?

My favorite part? Oh my God, I just love being a part of our family. Your dad and I created a beautiful family together, and we have 3 amazing kids. Our kids are not perfect, we're not perfect, but I love our life. I love our family. I call us a party of 5. Do you know that?

No, I didn't know that.

Um, we are a party of 5, and I love my party of 5, and I'm so thankful. I'm thankful every day, even when I'm exhausted, even when I'm cranky, even when I don't want to be asked for anything. I still love our family. Go through your question list. Is there anything else that you didn't ask me on your list? Because otherwise I'm going to ask you questions.

Yeah. If you could have one day completely by yourself, what would you do?

Oh my goodness gracious. Okay. I think that a dream day is at the spa. Getting— right? Getting my toes done, getting my nails done, getting a facial, getting a massage, maybe having my friends with me or my daughters with me. My mother doesn't like that stuff. That's why I didn't include my mother. But I would love a spa day.

Oh, yeah. I remember I used to— for Mother's Day, I used to give you, like, face masks and, like—

That's what you should do for me. You should give me a— if you give me a foot rub and a facial, Lily, that should be my Mother's Day present from you. Lily is so good at that stuff.

Yeah. And I used to give you, like, I remember I used to give you like dinners and I'd put like all my like decorations for my room on the table.

Wow, you're really— you have like such a gift for making things pretty, whether it's people, places, you make everything prettier. Mm-hmm.

Um, I think—

did you get— did you go through all your questions on your list? Because you have a big list. I don't think you did.

Oh, what advice would you give me if I became a mom today, which I want to be?

Oh, you're gonna be such a good mom. So Lily, you are gonna be such a good mom, and I'm gonna teach you this so that it makes your life easier. You and your children do not have to be perfect. Being a good mom does not mean mean being the perfect mom. And I want to teach you— and this is also very selfish, hopefully you live near me— I want to teach you to say, "Mom, I'm fried. I need a break. You give me the children. I get children time and you get time to yourself." I just want you to have more compassion and understanding for yourself and your kids. And I'm just teaching you what I didn't know when I started.

Yeah.

Yeah. So I will constantly tell you when you're an adult to be easier on yourself.

You kind of have already answered this question, but like, if you were in a room full of moms, what was— what would be the first thing that would come out of your mouth to them?

Oh my gosh, moms are terrible to themselves. So This goes for you as a child. This goes for a 12-year-old too. If we got in people's heads, whether you're a mom or a teenager, the things that people are saying to themselves is criminal. It's terrible. When my friends tell me how they feel about themselves, they tell me their criticisms of themselves. When you talk to me, and you tell me what you're thinking about yourself, I am floored. I want to teach people how to talk to themselves. Self-talk, inner dialogue. I want you and every mom listening to make their inner dialogue be what they would tell their best friend. I want you, when you're talking to yourself, to be like, what would I say to my best friends? What would I tell Kaylee if she was upset? What would I tell Ella if she was upset? And I want you to talk to yourself with that same kindness because Lily, if I'm upset, you are so good to me. You say such wonderful supportive things and I don't think you have learned to do that for yourself yet. So I want you to give yourself the same love and understanding that you would give to somebody else. And that goes for every single mother listening.

That was really good.

Well, because I hear what people say to themselves, and I started Winey Palooza because I was feeling overwhelmed and it was like my coping strategy. But then I started talking to other moms. They started telling me how I was helping them, and they started telling me what they were thinking and feeling. And as I went through the last 18 years of parenthood, listening to how moms talk to themselves, I have made it part of my mission to try to help because I don't like it, and I want moms to treat themselves better. And I'm going to give you an example because this is going to help you in life. We will go through our day and we will find the one thing that we don't like that we did, did that day. We might have done 10 things wonderfully, but we're picking apart the one thing that we did wrong. I hear so many people do this, and I want us to focus on what did I do well this day?

You're a really good talker.

What else do you got? Do you have any more questions?

Yeah, I have a couple more.

Okay.

Um, do you ever miss your life before you had kids?

Oh my God, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, so I want to explain that if you answered that question as a yes, there is nothing wrong with you. You're not a bad mom. You're not doing anything wrong. It is totally normal to want childfree time. I love being 48 years old. I love where I'm at in my head. I love my family. I love my kids. I have a wonderful husband. I have a wonderful support system. I would not want to go back. Nope. I do need time to myself. I just went out for coffee with my friends and it was wonderful and just what I needed. But no, the answer is no. Yeah.

Hmm. How do you stay so patient with all— wait, did I already ask that?

No, you didn't ask that. How do I stay so patient? Well, I'm gonna start with I'm not always so patient. Sometimes I, my goal is to be a patient, calm mom. That is my goal. So if I succeed, it's because I am telling myself the right things. I am not saying, this is what I'm not saying, Lily, and I'm using you as my example. I am not saying "how can Lily treat me like this? She knows everything that I do for her. She knows all I want to do is make her happy. How could she possibly talk to me like that?" If I think those things, I don't stay patient and calm. If I think to myself, it's all my self-talk, if I think Lily must have had a hard day, Lily seems tired and hungry, Lily will calm down soon, if I think the right things, I stay patient.

What do you think makes a good mom?

I think a good mom shows up and— oh, that made me cry. Oh, okay, I didn't know that was going to make me cry. So I think a good mom— you got this— I think a good mom shows up for herself and her kids. I think that you don't have to do a good job. You don't have to be perfect. You just have to keep going and you just have to show up and give it your best. And if your best wasn't good, I just want you to keep trying. And a mom who keeps trying and keeps showing up, that's a good mom.

How do you think people— wait, I think I'm out of questions.

Okay. Is that all of your questions?

Yeah, I was trying to think of one, but I don't know.

I'm gonna ask you a couple questions, and if you think of more for me, then, then you take it over. Okay?

Okay, let's see how I do.

Okay, so that question made me really emotional for some reason. I didn't expect that. So first of all, I want to tell— thank you. I want to say thank you for being my daughter. I love being your mom. And as you know, I absolutely begged for you. Seth wanted 2, I wanted 4. Lily is our miraculous compromise. So I want to ask you, what do you think that I am doing right as your mom?

You're really good at showing confidence. Like, whenever I see you, you just make me feel so confident. And I think you know how to talk to your kids so well that I think some people need to have as a mom. Like, some people don't have such a good mom as you are. And I think you're really good at, like, expressing how you're feeling in a good way. Like, when you're upset, you show it, but you don't show it too much. And it teaches me how to, like, get a hold of my emotions. And I also think, like, you're always showing up and you're always, like, there for me when I need you. And I know, like, if I had a hard day, you always, like, make me smile when I get in the car from school.

That's so sweet. How do I make you more confident? What am I doing?

Um, like, whenever you give me, like, self-talks or, like, whenever I see, like, I'm trying to think. You just like show confidence. I don't really know how to explain it.

What could I do better?

Um, definitely like when I get like in my head about stuff or like if I have like a bad game or like I'm just not having a good day, to just like let me be and not like— sometimes you just want to like, yeah, and sometimes I just need like quiet.

So your father, I don't know if your father can hear us or if he's anywhere near, but your dad taught me that. And the best advice he gave me about you is to just leave you alone. Like when you're in your place, Which is going to answer my next question. So there are times when I don't like how you're acting. What do you want me to do in those situations when you're talking to me and I don't like what you're saying?

Hmm. Honestly, just maybe like don't say anything or just be like, It depends what I'm saying. Like, if it's like— like, what do you mean by that?

Like, if you tell me I'm being annoying, or you tell me, um, like, to be quiet, or like when you're rude to me, what do you want me to do?

Um, just say like, are you okay? Like, is there something going on? Because usually I don't mean that. I'm usually just overstimulated.

Okay. I'm doing my best. I try to do better. I want you to know as my child that I'm trying to do better every day. And some days I'm like, some days I'm like, you did a really good job. Like, good job, me. And sometimes I'm like, oh, you didn't handle that so well. Do better next time. Oh my God. The best is when you say to me, no, I don't like this, but you know, I understand why you say this. Sometimes you'll say, and you're a therapist. Yeah, I used to say that.

I don't say that anymore.

You'll be like, Mom, you're a therapist, do better.

I've learned not to say that, but I used to say that a lot.

What do you think you've learned from me for motherhood, for you when you're a mom?

Uh, 100% confidence. And also like how to treat your friends. Like sometimes I've just like had a really rough day or like someone's being mean to me or something and then I tell you and you're just like, they probably have something going on. Like I feel like— wait, can I— what's this question again?

Um, what I taught you for when you're a mom.

Oh, um. Staying patient with my kids and like showing, like expressing love to them and definitely teaching them how to love themselves and like take things slow.

I love that. So to the moms listening and the dads who are struggling with their kids, can you give them some advice?

Um, don't take it out on yourself. 100% of the time, if I'm being mean to you, it's because I had a bad day.

It has nothing to do with them.

Wait, what?

It has nothing to do with their kids' behavior. Usually doesn't have to do with them. They shouldn't take it personally.

Yeah, and if you're like getting ready to like scream at your kids, please do not, because if I get— this is probably for everybody— if you start yelling at your kids, they're going to get stressed out. Like, we have school, we have sports, we already have so much to deal with. Coming home and having your mom yell at you or your parents yell at you, it's not a good feeling. So just don't yell at your kids.

We need to be a safe space.

Mm-hmm.

So, so the advice is that if you feel like you're going to start yelling, like, start to be aware of how you're feeling and give yourself a minute. Like, walk away and take some space. Like, it's okay for me to say to Lily, I need some time, I'll be back, like I need to regroup.

Or like, not even that, just like look at your kid when you're yelling at them and notice how they're feeling. Like if you see them start to tear up, if you see them start to bite their nails, they're stressed out, give them a second.

And know that like what I have been taught as a therapist is instead of saying my child is giving me a hard time, think instead, my child is having a hard time, right?

Yeah. And if you also, like, if you're on top of your kids about homework or stuff like that, know how much they have to do and how much you have to do. And like, grades are not all that. Don't be on top of them about grades.

So I think that my expectations for grades may be too high, wouldn't you say?

They're not. I feel like they're not. You're like high 80s, high 90s.

I mean, I want you to be in the 90s, so I think that's a high expectation. So I think that what I have learned, what I would love to teach everybody else, and you don't have to agree with me, is focus on the effort, not the outcome. So, for example, if I see you studying and trying and doing your homework, I know you're putting in the effort. So if you put in the effort and you get an 80 on your test, then I'm not mad at you because I know you tried. If you didn't study, if you didn't do your homework and you get the 80, then I would be upset. Yeah, like, right.

If, um, oh shoot, I forgot what I was gonna say. If your kid, you notice they're not confident about their grade, like if I sometimes I get in the car and I'm like, I got like an 80 on the test, I totally bombed it. Be like, no, it's okay. Don't go out on your kid and start making them feel bad about it. It's not gonna be the end of time.

Yeah. Yeah. So I tell Lily that my goal is for her grades to all be in the 90s, but focus on the effort, not the outcome.

Yeah.

Right? So anything else that you want to share with us before I let you go on with your day?

Um, how do you— shoot, you already, you answered like all my questions. Um, how do you think This doesn't really have to do with motherhood, but if you could tell a younger, a teen, or not even just girls, boys too, about confidence, what's the first thing you'd say?

To believe in yourselves and to believe in your capabilities and to know that you can handle hard things. I think that when I was your age, I didn't know how well I could handle hard situations. So no matter what it is, a hard test, a, a hard situation with a teacher or a classmate or your parent or your job or your sport, whatever the hard thing is, I want you to know that you can do hard things. Is that helpful?

Yeah, that was a really good answer.

Oh, I love you so much, and I so— I so appreciate you doing this. You were one of the best Mother's Day presents I could have. This is Rebecca Greene, and I want to remind everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. And this is airing after Mother's Day, so I hope that you had a wonderful Mother's Day, and I hope that this year you can learn to have more compassion and love for yourself. That's my goal for every single mother listening. And thank you so much, Lily.

You're welcome.

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