Episode 464: Questions for Rebecca about Parenting & Marriage

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No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Greene. Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everybody. Happy Whiny Palooza Wednesday.

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza Wednesday. Have some wine and join us on Whiny Palooza Wednesday with the Greene family.

They're awesome. So we're late, we were out running errands, it's been an endless day, but we're here. And Ella did her Teenage Tuesday column answering your questions, so I decided to piggyback on her and do the same thing and answer questions that we have gotten. So, um, I'm gonna hand it to Seth and he's gonna ask us the questions and Ella's gonna start, and she's going to answer her questions, and then Seth is going to jump into mine. And if you have any questions for Ella about family or teenagers, if you have any questions for Seth and I about parenting and marriage, feel free to comment, and we will answer your questions as best as we can. Why am I qualified to answer your questions? Because I am a licensed clinical social worker. So in case you don't know that, That is why I am able to answer these questions. So we will—

Couple decades of experience.

We will—

You were a supervisor of other therapists and trained them. Uh, 20 years of marriage.

Don't give them my resume. I love you. Okay, tell them. Um, I also want you all to know that my daughter's boyfriend won her a goldfish at the fair— at the fair today, and Max did research on how to take care of the fish. Ella gave me some pointers from her friend who's kind of an expert.

Digging this and it's a real problem. Sending the fish back.

I'm gonna tell you what the pet—

I spent too much money to do that now.

I'm gonna tell you what the pet store—

Kieran, I know where you live.

Will you stop? First of all, you just stop. Anyways, we were at the pet store doing lots of things. We're back, we're ready. Seth, give Ella a question.

My name is Seth Green, I'll be your moderator this evening. Um, Ella, do teens actually want to spend time with their parents? Or is this just a parent fantasy?

Uh, I think it depends on the teenager and it depends on the day. Like, there are some days I love nothing more than spending time with my mom.

You're check cleared, that's a good answer.

And there are days where I just want to be alone and don't want to spend time with anybody.

Or you want friend time.

Yeah, I mean, I think you should ask your teenager and don't expect anything. Don't expect the answer to ever stay the same. And just know that we do love you. Being a teenager is just an interesting experience.

Excellent answer.

Okay, you, you segued into my next question. How do you handle drama or conflict with friends? What would you tell another teenager going through it?

So I'm very lucky, I have amazing friends and we don't have very much drama or conflict because they're amazing people.

Um, you picked good friends.

Thank you. But my advice would be to try to talk with the person, you know, try to see it from their point of view. Because a lot of times, especially when we're in a conflict, it's very easy to get pigeonholed into how we see the situation that sometimes we don't see ourselves from the other side. So I would say try to see yourself that way and then have an honest conversation with the person. Be like, this is how I see it, how do you see it? And try to come to a consensus between your two viewpoints.

And as smart as you are and as awesome as your answer is, if I remember correctly, forgive me if I'm wrong, I think you said to apologize. And the reason I'm bringing that up is because no matter what the situation is, both people should probably apologize.

Yeah, because you're both equally in the wrong and in the right most of the time.

We don't know that, but it never hurts to show up.

In most of my experience, apologize for your part in the situation. Yes, it takes two to tango.

Yes, yes, it's hard to tango by yourself. What advice would you give to a parent who has a child who is struggling in school?

So this is a very long answer, but, um, there are two different kinds of struggling in school. There's the just not built for school kind of struggling, and in that case, I would just recommend steering your child on another path and accepting that school is one thing that is built for one specific kind of person. We are not all that kind of person. We need all the kinds of people. So if your kid is struggling in school, try to help them find the area of the world they will thrive in, even if that's not academia. And the other type of struggling, um, and then the other type of struggling was just being unmotivated. And honestly, I don't really have a whole ton of advice for that. But I would say there's usually not a lot parents can do in that situation other than try and help them find their interests outside of school and see how that can translate to school. Because if they're interested in it, they're more likely to put in effort.

And maybe there's something at school, like a subject that they can find. Like, for example, didn't your friend sign up for, um, like a cartooning class or something?

Oh yeah, one of my friends signed up for like Animation and video editing at Harkness.

So there's stuff that they can find that might be interesting, like Max loves math and science, whereas like Ella would tell you she loves her ELA classes and her social studies classes. Can you move that ottoman so he can get down? Okay, next.

How do you feel when your parents try to give you advice? What works and what doesn't?

So I appreciate— obviously I appreciate advice, It helps a lot of the time, but sometimes I feel like it gets a bit repetitive. I can't remember exactly what I said.

It's okay, Seth. It's okay.

But I would say on the fly, the advice that does help is usually that that's easiest to utilize, I guess is the word I'm looking for. Like advice that is easily translatable and applies is good. Um, advice that is not good is labeling.

So is— and, and it's okay if you can't think of anything. Is there anything that Dad or I have said lately that you have found helpful to give an example to parents?

Um, treat yourself how you would treat your best friend.

Like, that's your own best friend.

That's concrete.

Yeah, yeah, like concrete, easy, easy to translate. Doesn't take a whole ton of discipline to implement.

Yeah, that's great advice. What's next, Seth?

That's it.

Okay, so Ella answered your questions, but feel free to send her more questions. Ella is happy to answer your questions about being— about teenagers, family, school. She is really good in school, um, really good at all her clubs, and just an awesome human. Right, thank you. Right, so thank you, Ella, for answering people's questions. I'm sure there will be more. I am going to answer my questions, and you are welcome to stay and contribute. You are welcome to run away and help your brother. Go ahead, go, go help Max. I appreciate you, Ella Ballaboo. Okay, you're down to me and Seth. Ella ran away.

He's helping with the damn fish.

So Max is amazing and did research for the goldfish and is setting up a whole thing for Lily, and Ella wants to go help him. So I am thankful for him, and I said to him today, what am I gonna do without you? Because he's going to school.

You wouldn't have— the goldfish wouldn't live as long.

I'm gonna cry.

Okay, my questions.

Okay, uh, question number 1 from the wonderful viewers who submitted their questions: How can parents maintain a healthy marriage while raising young children? What's the key to balancing both roles?

Okay, I want to see something. I will answer this, but yeah, okay, so I think that the biggest thing that I have noticed over the years of— I'm talking about people with young kids is what I notice is they put their kids to bed at a decent time, and then they have a couple hours, 2 or 3 hours together, and they make the most of their time, and they watch shows together, and they have dinner together, and they have conversations. And I think that that is the optimal time for busy parents who have young kids. I also think that, you know, you're going to hear me say priorities a lot during this this, um, live. I think that it's just whatever you prioritize. So we prioritize time with our kids. We also have to prioritize time with our spouse. So like, you know, getting a babysitter and going out for dinner— I mean, I will tell you that I think one of my biggest lessons is the thing that has helped me stress less is that I have reduced my time expectation. And I realize that when Seth and I go on an hour lunch date, we feel like we connected and had time together, and it wasn't long, and he goes back to work and I go back to the kids or my work, and we still have to be an epic— yeah, it doesn't have to be an overnight, it doesn't have to be 5 hours. And I think even with the kids, I notice with my kids that even, um, running errands with Ella today, I mean I don't know how long we were gone, but like nothing has to be— it doesn't have to be a huge event, just like using the time, just using whatever time you have.

Yes, spell love, T-I-M-E. In your experience, what's one piece of advice you'd give to parents who are feeling overwhelmed by the demands of family life? Something that we can resonate with.

Well, and I'm— and I want to see what I wrote because I wrote something. Yeah, okay, um I had two answers in my head and I wanted to see what I wrote. So, ah, overwhelm. Seth knows that I'm overwhelmed today. So I think that one of the things that has helped me with that is to focus on my list and to think like, what actually needs to get done today? Because I might have a list of 10 things, but I know that 2 of those things or 3 of those things are like mandatory for today. So just kind of prioritizing what actually needs to get done today, what can wait for tomorrow. That helps me be less overwhelmed. Do you have anything to contribute to that? Because, because you did— you handle so much in a day.

Thinking about— yeah, if you get lost in the entire list, that's what makes me feel overwhelmed. I'm like, okay, what's the one thing I can do one at a time right now? Move this forward, take a baby step. And then, and, and make progress because progress makes me— crossing makes me feel good.

And I'll tell you something else that makes me feel less overwhelmed. I'm gonna throw this out to parents. I think I have to do everything. And see, I'm good. What is going on with me? I think I just did too much today and I'm just feeling super emotional. So Seth said to me tonight, oh I'll go take Lily and pick her up. I'll take that off your plate. You did enough today. And like, I felt this like huge stress level release. Like, I forget that I have Seth and Max to help me. I mean, Ella can help me too, right?

But we drive.

But Max drives and he's like, Mom, I'll pick up Lily tomorrow. Like, I can't. So like, I think that I have to do everything, but I forget that I have helpers.

You do have helpers. How do you help families communicate better, especially when emotions are running high, like they might be about a goldfish?

Forgive me, I want the goldfish to live. I want to take care of it right. I'm sorry I'm such a sucker. I'm sorry.

Return it.

He wanted me to like— Max wanted me to like give it to a pet store. He's like, just give it to the pet store, Mom.

There you go.

So save me the money. Sorry, I'm sorry.

So, how do you help families communicate better?

Okay, um, I think— let me know if this is what I wrote because I didn't go over—

it's not about what you wrote, just answer the question. It will be right. You don't need to write to say what you wrote. You know this stuff cold.

I know, but I want— I liked my— I have a blog. I wrote out everything. Every single answer is written at whinyplousa.com, so you can actually go read all of this. But I'm going to try to add some wonderful things for you right now. So my favorite word to answer that question is pause. So we're gonna press the pause button. So when your emotions— I want you to focus on you, not your kid or your husband. Don't focus on your husband, don't focus on your kids. When you're feeling emotionally intense, I want you to hit the pause button. And the pause button has saved me from saying a lot of things that I would regret. I still screw up. I mean, I am trained, have taken a million courses, have counseled people, have counseled my children and husband, and I still screw up. I still screw up because emotions run high. And I'm going to tell you that pressing the pause button and stopping myself and taking a breath and telling people I need space and telling each other that you're gonna cool off and come back together. That is the best way. If your children are little, it is so much harder, but they can still understand that you're taking deep breaths. You can even—

Daddy needs to put himself in timeout.

You can, you can use their language. I, you know, you can get them to breathe with you. Mommy's really emotional. Mommy's really stressed. Mommy needs a minute. Like, teach them this stuff.

They learn at a young That is really good and segues into our next question. What are some of the most effective strategies for managing conflict in marriage without letting it affect the children?

Say the question again.

What are some of your most effective strategies for managing conflict in marriage without letting it affect the kids?

Okay, so I think that the best answer to that question is is that you need to remember—

I'm telling Seth this too, I already, I already know this—

that they are watching and learning. So like I said, I screw up a lot. Seth knows I screw up, but I also know that they are watching and learning from everything that I do. So I know that when I react to Seth or react to them that they are learning from me, and that helps me to, to do a better job and try to teach them how to resolve conflict.

If so, that's really interesting that you say that by thinking about that they're watching. Yeah, you would think so. Apparently the people on reality TV forget that their camera's there. Oh, idiots. I mean, you would think— if I would think that if I knew people were— millions of people were watching me, I'd be on my best freaking behavior.

So one of the things that my supervisor taught me was that if we pretend— and I'm going to answer your question— if we pretend that a camera is on us, we act very differently. So even in our house, it— okay, a perfect example is that my daughter is always on FaceTime. So I know that there's always parents and kids in my house, and I know, like, I got mad at Lily in the car and yelled at her, maybe in front of her friends.

Like we're on FaceTime.

Yes. So I need to always remember that she is on the phone, and that doesn't mean I'm not going to be real. It just means that I should act like that all the time. Like, people are— my kids are watching and listening, their friends are watching and listening, my husband is learning from me. Like, if I just think that I'm on a camera all day with all these people watching me, maybe I behave differently. Now, if I'm on a reality TV and you're paid to be an idiot TV show and the cameras are watching me, A, I get immune to it. I forget that they're there. And B, I know that they want me to be crazy. So reality is totally different. Like, they don't want me to take a deep breath. They want me to like go in and yell at somebody. Yes.

Well, that explains a lot about reality television.

Yes.

What are some common myths about parenting or marriage that you wish more people knew the truth about?

Oh, I remember this question. The biggest myth that I have busted, like I would say for so 23 to 49, do the math.

26.

26 years of me busting this myth that happily married people don't fight. That is a crock of crap. I'm going to tell you Unhappy people don't fight. Unhappy people do not fight because they don't care. They don't care enough to fight. They're, they're gone. They're aloof. They're disengaged. They don't care about you, so they don't care to fight with you. I care so much about Seth, like so intently about Seth, that I am like, how could you do that? Like, I want the best for him. And I need to communicate that effectively. But like, I care about Seth and my kids so much that emotions are higher. So fighting does not equal unhappy.

And that was a lesson I had to learn because I did not have a role model for happy conflict resolution growing up. So it just— I didn't have any model for conflict resolution. So to me, fighting, I was like, oh no, this is terrible. And it took her years to undo that pattern and teach me that no, this was okay, a good thing, and there are healthy ways to resolve conflict, right?

And we need to fight in a healthy way. But yes, but having a conflict with someone is not a bad thing.

All right, let's talk about your parenting myth.

Okay, so parents think that their kids' achievements and behavior tell them if they're a good parent. And I am telling you, uh, I'm gonna say, uh, and the reason I'm gonna say, uh, is I'm gonna tell you what makes you a good parent. First of all, good parents have kids with bad behaviors. Good parents have kids who are struggling in school. What makes you a good parent? Do you show up? Do you keep trying? Do you try to do your best? Do you try to learn? Do you try to help them? That's what makes you a good parent. I mean, your kid could be— could have a temperament where they're having a ton of meltdowns and you gradually, patiently try to teach them to have some emotional intelligence and some emotional resilience. And with some kids it's easy and with some kids it's hard and that may not be a reflection on you at all.

So, that's really, really helpful and really good and I would hope lifts a burden because I think a lot— and it segues to some other good advice you've had over the years. Which is it's about the effort, not the achievement. You can put all the effort into your kid, but you don't control whether the kid actually does what you tell them or learns or anything.

Okay, so if your kid flunks out of high school because school is not for them, they could start Microsoft. That doesn't make you a bad parent. I wish that I could scream that to parents because parents are so judgy of themselves based on how their kids are doing in general, like how they're acting, how they're achieving in school. So that was my myth. Those were my myths.

Yes, those are awesome myths to bust. What are some practical ways parents can avoid burnout while juggling family responsibilities, work, and self-care?

Okay, so I did a really shitty job today, but I'm gonna give myself advice. How to prevent burnout is your attitude about the day. Your attitude is how you're going to feel about your day. So Are you asking me how to have patience? I think that my supervisor taught me two of my favorite words, Melissa, persistence and consistency, and how necessary it is in parenting and in life. And I think that if you just know that you're never going to give up, you're always going to be persistent. So if you're struggling with something with your kid, I mean, obviously you can message me about a specific thing. But like if we're talking about parenting and how to have patience with your son, I am telling you to just never give up. I just know that I am never gonna give up, never gonna give up on Seth, never gonna give up on my kids. I am always gonna try every day. Some days I do better than other days. Some days Lily is a peach, and some days I want to run away. Um, but I know that a lot of it is their temperament because I have 3 kids who were born who they are. And I could tell you how different my 3 kids are, and they have the same 2 parents. So that has taught me a lot about parenting. So I don't know if I answered your question, but I hope I did.

You did, you did answer the question. Uh, next submitted question: How can parents effectively talk to their kids about big life changes like moving, divorce, or a family loss without overwhelming them?

Right, and I wrote so much about that answer. I remember my answer. It's really detailed, so go read it, but I'm going to do my best to summarize it. So I take the lead from my kids. So what does that mean? I'm gonna give you— well, I'm gonna answer that and I'm gonna give you an example. So I'm gonna just talk about dorming as an example. So Max, do you want a TV for your dorm? No. Maybe I asked him one more question and then I stopped. I don't need to ask him 50 questions a day. I don't need to ask Lily 50 questions. Lily does not want 50 questions. Lily's like, "Enough with your questions." That's what she said to me at dinner today. So I take the lead from them. So like, if I'm having a conversation with one of them and it's intense, I give them a little bit, I see how they do. Maybe I give them a little bit more and see how they do. You can tell if your kid is getting overwhelmed or it's too much for them.

Stop.

Like, do, do chunks. Like, we don't need to have an hour conversation. I would recommend like 10 minutes here and there.

There you can get 10 minutes.

There are times where Ella is like, in the car today we had deep conversations, she was up for it. There are times where she communicates to me that she's emotionally exhausted, can't answer my questions, and doesn't want to talk about it. And she's very good at letting me know. So that's what I mean by take their lead. What are they up for. And don't, don't overwhelm them with an hour of intensity. Like 10, 15 minutes, 5 minutes. Like do little bits.

In your experience, what are the best strategies for creating a solid family routine that everyone can stick to even with our crazy busy schedules?

I mean, I laughed at that question. I really did. Um, I'm sorry. Uh, the best Bless you. The best word— how many sneezes? Two.

Thanks, that's helpful.

Let's see if there's more. I love you so much. So the best word to answer that question is flexibility. So we could have a schedule for tomorrow, which we do, but maybe things come up and things have to change and we have to move things around. We have to get help. I would say family calendars are great to help us stay on the same page. Going over the calendar with the kids. I told Max and Ella and Lily what our day entails tomorrow because there's a lot going on tomorrow. Um, so they know the schedule, their— the expectations are clear. I have given them notice. However, we shall see. I'm flexible.

What advice do you have for parents who feel like they're constantly arguing with their kids?

So it's interesting, that's a, it's a good question. I, I would say that I want you to turn— I'm not being accusatory, I'm just trying to help— I want you to turn the spotlight on yourself. Okay, now I know I can't control my kids, what, what they're gonna say, but I can control what I'm gonna say. So if I am constantly arguing with my daughter every day, what am I doing wrong? How am I contributing to the problem? What is my responsibility? Why are we arguing every day? What can I do differently? So I turning it on me, on what— if I'm fighting every day with my kid, then I'm part of that problem. So instead of being like, you're doing this, this, and this, and you got to stop arguing with me, how can I stop arguing? What can I do differently? And I know that I get fiery, so I know that I can control that.

How can parents encourage independence in their children without feeling like they're letting go too soon?

So, um, I have answered this question before, so I'm going to answer it again. And I'm going to probably give a similar response, is that do— so we want to let go. So first of all, we want to realize that the goal is to let go and have successful adults eventually. Um, test it out in little bits. Give them an inch and see how they do with it. If they do well, you can give them another inch. If they don't do well, you can pull back. So you kind of test it and see how they do with the freedom that you're giving them.

How can parents keep their cool during a child's temper tantrum or meltdown, and what are some techniques to de-escalate?

Um, my best advice with that is to totally focus on my own regulation and to not worry about what they're doing. Um, if I focus on what they're doing, I go downhill with them. If I focus on myself and regulating myself for them. If I regulate myself, they regulate with me faster. If I calm myself, then it's contagious and they calm down faster. So, I know the control is with myself and, um, where I'm at and how I can stay calm in it. And I know that if they're having a meltdown and I can stay calm through it, that I'm gonna get them down from the meltdown quicker than if I have a meltdown with them.

That's really good advice, and I think there's a book title in there— Calm Is Contagious. Um, we're almost done. What are some small daily habits you can strengthen the relationship between parents and kids even when life is hectic?

Yeah, I mean, you had this today. I, I had this. So my perfect answer to that for our family, which is great for other families, is— I have talked to lots of parents who agree with me— we use the car. So I am in the car with them all day and we talk in the car and we bond in the car and I use that as mother-child time.

How do you recommend parents handle the pressure of trying to do it all while still being present and attentive to their families?

I mean, the answer to that is priorities. Um, I think priorities and flexibility are the two winning words for tonight. And I think that we prioritize what we want to do in a day and we get rid of what isn't a priority for the day.

Okay.

Was that good?

That is good. And those were all the questions that everybody submitted.

So feel free to send us questions anytime. We love your questions. Samantha Foote is on the podcast this Friday talking about how her, her tips for neurodivergent families and non-neurodivergent families, and her tips apply to all of them. And, um, thank you so much for joining us, and find me in all the places. And I gotta go deal with my daughter, but thank you guys. Thank you, Melissa. Love to all of you. See you next week.

Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening.

Until next time.

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