Episode 467: Your College Send-Off Survival Kit

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No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza. Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene. Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family. Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Greene for the Whiny Plouza Podcast, and I am extra, extra excited because I I have my very good friend Laura Brand with us here today. Laura, thank you so much for doing this with me.

Oh, you're welcome. I'm so glad to be here. Thank you.

Wait until you hear what Laura is going to help us with because we all need it. Um, she is amazing and I so appreciate her doing this. Uh, let me tell you a little bit about Laura. Other than— and she is, uh, she's going to be married 25 years in August. Laura, that's amazing. She has 3 children ages 22, 19, and 16. She is Assistant Director of Development at the Summit Center, and she's been organizing events through her work and PTSA for more than 25 years. And I know that she's like an event master, but she has also sent 2 kids successfully off to college. So I'm here to get help for all of us like me who are sending our kids away for the first time. And as you know, Laura, there is So much to learn. Oh my God, I cannot believe how much I have learned, and I have so much to learn from you. So I'm going to start with, how did you prepare all the supplies to take to college? How did you organize it? How did you get it done? Help me. You should see my dining room right now.

Yes. Okay. Yes, I first started, I think, as we all do. Okay, who do I know? Who already sent kids to college. So I reached out to my cousin and she sent me over her list. I was like, send me your list, you know, give me that. And so I started with her list because she'd already sent her 3 kids off. So I was able to kind of take that and then started looking around and I just made sure her list meshed with what I thought we needed. And then sometimes when we would go on a college visit, they would give you a list of things you could use. So I melded that all together in my own. It's literally a simple Word document. You could put it in Excel or whatever you wanted to do, really Google anything you wanted. And then I just checkmarked it off as I started to purchase things. So I tried to put as much on it as I could, knowing that I'm sure we would get there and we would have forgotten something, and that's okay too.

Okay, so I'm going to ask you about that. So Laura is fantastic and sent me her list, which, I mean, I am checking things off. I am using your list. Of course I've added stuff because I'm crazy, and I'm sure I'm buying him way too much stuff. But like, my issue is there's so much that I'm so overwhelmed, and I keep checking things off and there's still so much to buy. Like, just keep going.

Yes, try to chunk it. That's one thing I guess maybe I could have added to the list is chunking it out into what— where you're gonna buy it from. Because you can't get everything from every store. And there's also, everyone has a different budget too. So something that maybe I purchased, someone else would say, you know what, we, we can't get that. We got some things from Pottery Barn and those things are, they have an awesome dorm room selection. But you know, I mean, it's just, you just have to look at the price tag and be like, you know what, can I spend that on that shelf or do I want to look for it elsewhere? So that's what we tried to do is what are the things we absolutely wanted that were from Pottery Barn? And there was a couple things that really helped. And then we just started looking at, you know, places like Target and Walmart and all of the different stores. And we did a lot of online purchasing because I, as I've gotten older, I used to love to shop. I would run to every store. I'd be out all night. I, I just can't do it anymore. So I just kind of made my list and I just started ordering. And as things came, I just made sure I unpacked them right away. And then I set up a table in the basement. So I had a big foot table in the basement and everything was down there and kind of all at one time. Then I went in and I organized it all with the help of my child. So whatever it was, it wasn't just me. Uh, you know, they were involved.

I mean, I'm going to be honest with you. This is going to be— boy moms are going to hear me right now. This is going to be completely different with Ella and Lily because Max, He even came over to me and said, Mom, I promise you'll have more fun with Ella when you do this. Because he's like, great, Mom, great, I don't care, whatever, Mom, buy whatever you want.

Oh yeah, yeah, that's basically what I did. You know, it'll be different with Grace, I'm sure, but yeah, yeah, it— you know, I was just like, okay, well, we'll just get this. Okay, I'm— yeah, we'll get this caddy and we'll just buy it in gray or whatever, and then it's fine. And yeah, like, oh, I got you 2 pairs of flip-flops in case one rips. Throughout the year, and I got a, okay, thanks.

So, oh my God, boys, boys. Anyways, what do you think surprised you most when your children left for college? Because you had two go.

I didn't realize that how easy— I think every school does this— how easy they make move-in so they feel comfortable, especially if it's your first. You get there and you're like, oh my gosh, it's the most overwhelming thing. And then you see 10 kids, all sophomores and juniors standing there with huge carts. They do these big built-up carts. And within, I'm not joking, 10 minutes, everything was outside the room.

Amazing.

How did that just happen? We didn't make any trips up. I mean, and a lot of times, your child could be, depending on what school you go to, they could be in a high-rise, they could be on the third floor. So that was— I was surprised. I didn't really— with being a first-time mom, when my oldest went to school, I had no idea that there'd be so much help when we got there. I, in my head, was like, we're going to be going up and down those stairs.

Oh God.

So that was super, super helpful to have that help. And also kind of knowing this is for— I know a lot of probably moms listening or parents listening now are thinking about, you know, sending their first off to college, but then I'm just starting to realize that when it comes to second and third year, you know, you have all that help, so you need to prepare. Oh, holy moly.

So that's only the first year.

Yeah, moving for sophomore year. Noah and I were just talking about it. Noah's like, Mom, I'm on the third floor and there's one little elevator. And I was like, okay, so, because freshman year everybody moves in on the same day, but I think sophomore, junior year they can move in, you know, Saturday or Sunday and there's, you're on your own. So, wow.

Okay, thank you. See, thank you for that warning. I did not know that. Yep, all the stuff we need to know. Did you drop, prepare the room, and leave, or did you like stay? Like, tell me the time sequence.

We tried to— it wasn't fully, but if we knew enough, we communicated with both children's roommates So we tried to work it so that we had different times because you think about it, if you have 4 people in that room and then the other, the roommate has 4 people in the room and they're all trying to make a bed and put things out. And those rooms are not, I mean, if you're talking just a regular standard double room in almost any college, they're small.

Yeah.

So we ended up trying to time it a little bit. We stayed because I don't— part of it's just me.

Like, yeah, you know, that's—

I'm very organized, so I was like, we have to have this here and this here. And then at the end when we weren't done, I remember my husband Derek looking at me and he was like, it's okay, Noah, you know, Noah can do this, Quinn can do this, they can set up what they need to set up and it's fine. It doesn't really matter that the shelf is hanging here. And so we left at that point. We got the bed made up, we got the clothes in the wardrobe. And, um, you know, things out on the desk. And then if they wanted to decorate their room, they could do what they wanted.

And did you stay over or did you go home?

We did stay over. What— well, my oldest Quinn in Chicago, so we stayed for the weekend. Yeah, Noah is about an hour and a half away, so we did stay the— I think we did, we did stay the one night and then day we did leave. But, you know, it kind of— it— you will base it on how far your child is. And another thing that I think— I didn't do this personally, but I know I've heard a lot of parents say that if their child is far enough away, you can order and then you can pick up when you get to the city. So that's a help, you know. Target or any, any store will pretty much do that, where then you can pick up the items and then you don't have to— if you're— especially if you're not driving. If your child's going so far away that, you know, you're flying, then you can't take all that with you.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So how did you prepare yourself emotionally for the whole process and saying goodbye?

Oh, I don't think anyone— I know you know me— I don't think anyone's ever really ready to say that goodbye. Um, you know, It was hard. I'm not gonna sugarcoat that part. Um, we just really tried to— I think you're so busy at that point, so it's— you didn't almost really prepare yourself ahead of time because you're just so busy getting everything ready and making sure they're okay, and then making sure they have all of their documents and that they have their forms and they're ready when they get there. And so I think the harder part was the preparing that when you got home and you walk in and the house is really quiet. That was, that was tough. It was, it's tough. Yeah.

Okay. So tell us all how you got through that. Cause you know, I'm going to struggle.

Yeah. Oh, well, I shouldn't have done this, but I went and sat in their room. That was bad.

Oh, I'm not going to, yeah, I'm not going to do that.

Bad. It's a different— Now my oldest has a bedroom that's like an L shape and there's a couch on one side of it. So we turned that into a big TV room. So now we've made it a really positive space because that's become the guest room. So we hang out in there all the time and I'll get a phone call, a FaceTime from Quinn and Quinn's like, "Why are you in my room?" And I'm like, "Oh, this is our favorite room in the house now because there's all little twinkle lights in there and a big TV." And so we've made that kind of like a TV room. That's like— [FOREIGN LANGUAGE] And then when my sister comes or we have a guest come, she stays or they stay there. So there's a lot of hustle and bustle. Um, Noah's room was— yeah, that was a little sad. But I usually go in and I straighten things. Nobody in there in this house makes their beds, so I'll go in and kind of just straighten and put the curtain up, let the sunlight in.

And so on drop-off day, did you hold it together for your kid or did you lose it? I must know.

Held it together until the very end, usually. Um, yeah, so my story, because you've always got to share a story, because, you know, even Derek said when I said I'm gonna be talking to Rebecca Greene about sending the kids off to college, and he was like, are you gonna tell the story about dropping Quinn in the middle of Chicago? And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna tell it. So we obviously stayed overnight and everything was all set, and we're like, okay, we had a 9-hour, you know, 8-hour drive back So we were like, we're gonna get on the road in the morning, but we'll meet you for breakfast. So we met Dunkin' Donuts just right in the loop where school is, and we had a quick breakfast, and then we walked out into the street, and you could just feel like the lump in my throat and like my chest starting to like— and I could— I looked over at Derek, and we gave like a family hug. It was just the three of us. And then I remember Quinn looking over and going, well, adiós, and started walking down the street. And I was like And then the waterworks started. And so there's two grown adults standing in the middle of the Loop in Chicago. I mean, not even like crying, like not even a few tears, like full out crying in the middle. And if people saw us, they would have been like, what in the world is wrong with these people? And we're like crying. I couldn't see to actually like get to where the car was parked. And then I like got to the car and I'm like, okay, I gotta like pull it together. We gotta drive. So started to pull myself together. But that was, that was the toughest. It was when you send Max off. He's your first, sending your first off. That was—

he's gonna be like, okay, Mom, I love you, bye-bye, adiós.

That's what I get. I'll think you're Spanish. Adiós. I love it.

But I love, like, I want them to be like, okay, bye. You know, like, I want it to be, I want it to be easy for them even if it's hard for me.

Yes, you 100%, 100%. And it was hard. And then you kind of look over and you're like, all right, you know what, that's kind of what we had that drive home and we chit-chatted and talked all about the weekend and everything and hoped everything would be okay.

And well, so tell us, prepare me for like the first month.

Okay.

And So how did they do? Did they adjust okay?

Yeah. I mean, both did. I think pretty much every parent listening is like, my kids are all night and day from each other. So I think my kids sort of are similar to how your kids are having 3 children. And so they all adjusted differently. So Quinn, my oldest, is super outgoing, always has a million friends and sort of just like went out there and just You know, I remember them saying, I'm going to go to— I can't think of the name of the cookie place that's by so many colleges. It wasn't Crumble, but it was whatever the cookie place was. Insomnia? Is it Insomnia? Yes, Insomnia. I'm going to go to Insomnia and I'm going to buy cookies for my whole floor. And that's how I'm going to meet people. And I was like, OK. So that's what they did. They went and bought cookies for the whole floor, met everybody. So I was like, they're going to be all right. And then I didn't get a call, which actually was a good thing. That I didn't get a call because if you get the call, so, you know, and I had many parents, I got that call that next night or that first night with, you know, sobbing child going, "Mom, I'm so homesick right now." Like, so I didn't get, you know, so I'm like, okay, that's good. And then Noah is quieter, more reserved, you know, always has a couple of friends but doesn't have the whole floor. And I didn't get a call from him either. And I'm okay, that's good. That's good. So he was enjoying himself, but he just met the few people, and he and his roommate have gotten very close, but he doesn't have— he's not the kid that's gonna have a million friends all over the dorm. That's just not— but that's okay.

They're all so different.

That's okay. The fact that both— neither one was homesick, and they were both liking their classes and liking the school and getting used to things, that made me feel a lot better.

Well, that's wonderful.

I hope—

I'm hoping for the same experience. I really am.

Yeah.

So tell us how you stay connected without making them feel smothered.

Oh, that's— I know that's a good question because I'll preface it with a— I came from a family who I had a smother. I don't know, my mother, I love my mother. She was wonderful. And I know, you know, she passed away a few years ago, but she was my mom. And she was very much like, if you didn't call— if she called and you didn't call her, like, almost right away, she'd call you again and be like, where are you? I called you. And so I can't do that to them. I have to, like, kind of not do that. So would, um, we would FaceTime. And I knew— actually, one thing I did that I, I didn't do it as much with Quinn, but with Noah I did. I was like, give me your schedule. And then I made sure I didn't FaceTime or text during class because I knew, especially for someone like Noah, he would be nervous if he saw something and he was in class and he'd be like, why is she reaching? You know, I'm trying to study here. I'm trying to learn something. So I would wait and then I would, I would do a FaceTime like when class was over or like when I thought dinner might be over. And then I would get, that would be better. It'd be like, oh, I'm back in the dorm for the night. Hey, how'd your day go? And so we would FaceTime pretty much or text.

Okay. So my kids think I'm crazy. So how often do you talk to them? Cause I'm like, I want a daily text message and they all think I'm crazy.

Yeah. I don't get that. Not that I don't get that. I get that, but I don't, they don't do that for me. That's what I should say. So, okay. Okay. Oh, sometimes time goes by, especially with Quinn. Now Quinn's gonna be a— Quinn's program is 5 years, so this is going into year 5.

So, oh my gosh.

Yeah. So, wow. I might go— I honestly don't want to scare you, but it sometimes goes 2 weeks. Like, I'm like, just maybe, or then I'll get the call back of like, hey, I have a question for you, like that, but it's not like really like that. And then Noah, we tried to just do like every couple of days, like we didn't get something every day, but every, every few days.

Okay. Okay. Well, I'm like, I want a daily text. And he's like, oh mother.

Yeah. Now I, a lot of people have a lot of different softwares. I made them all do Find My, and I know people have different things. We just simply do it through our cell phones, so at least I can look and just be like, okay, they're— I don't know, that's the right thing.

No, no, I totally agree. I, I told Max and Ella that they're going to stay on Life360 so that I can see. I said, I don't care where you are, I'm not gonna— I, I'm not gonna say anything about where you are. You can go wherever you want, I just want to see it moving.

Yep. Yep.

So what mistakes did you make that you want to warn other mothers about?

Well, that was actually— in talking about that, that was kind of one of the mistakes I made, was checking that, especially for Noah. And then I would be like, oh, he's in his dorm room right now. I was kind of hoping he'd be out and about somewhere. And so that was starting, and Derek was doing it too. Like, he's like, oh, I looked tonight, Noah's in his dorm. And so we realized we shouldn't. Like, if Noah want— it's Noah's choice. If Noah feels more comfortable, he wants to be back in his dorm at the end of the night and not like out and about, then that's okay too. But that was kind of a mistake that we made of like, we were worrying then, like, is he having fun? Is he meeting people? Is he, you know, is he happy? And he is. He was.

He had a good first year.

Yeah, he had a good first year. He did have a good first year and he's never the type of kid that is where some kids are so exuberant about it. Like, I loved it. It was my favorite thing ever. He's like, yeah, good. It was good.

So it goes, goes with his personality.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So how did your relationship change with your kids when they left? Give me a warning.

Yeah. Um, you know, it's interesting that we have all gotten closer. I thought a lot about— I was thinking about this a little bit, that because the time we have is more limited, that we really have made the most of it. Like, when they were lit— when they're younger, you know, you're just sometimes on autopilot. And with 3 children, everyone has a lesson, everyone needs to be somewhere. You— I know you, you know me, we've been driving everyone all over for years. And so even then, when they get their license, you're still driving others, or you're, you're kind making sure that if you're gonna have the, you know, again, like, you're gonna have Max pick up somebody, if he's gonna pick up the girls, then you have to coordinate that with him. So you're constantly either driving or coordinating. So when they get home, we really try to spend as much time as possible together. And they— it's interesting too, some kids I think spend a lot of time with their friends. My kids, when they got home, because they were spending so much time at school with friends, they got home and they're like, I'm I'm good, like, I'll hang with you. So we would, we would go to movies, we'd go out to dinner, we would go for walks. We picked a show. We all have one show together that we watch. So Noah and I, every night we watch one show together that is an older show that has a million seasons. So we're going to be watching— I was like, you're gonna be like 26 before we finish. You have to tell us what show you're watching. I was like, you're gonna be literally like But this is when we, you know, time we finish 9 seasons of this show and another 9 of another. But you know what? It's fun and it's something that we both enjoy doing together.

So that makes me— you, you brought tears to my eyes. That makes me so happy.

Yeah.

Okay. So I was really impressed with you when I talked to you the other day and I'll tell you why with this question. Okay. So did your marriage shift when the kids left and how did you handle that?

Yeah, um, it did, but it brought us closer together, I think, because we were like, you know what, this is— in the end, in 2 years from now, for us it's getting— it's coming very soon. And many, I'm sure many parents have been through this, many couples. And the— in 2 years, that's— every child will be away. Every child's gonna go and be at school. And so then at the end of the day, we're going to come home and we're going to try to find the things that we like to do together. So that's what I was saying to you, that, you know, we were trying to pick a time even to talk. And I was like, you can't do Sundays. We've been trying to do this and go to lunch together and do some things like that.

Oh my God. And when you said that, oh my gosh, Laura was like, this is what Derek and I do on Sundays. And my heart melted. And I'm like, I am not interrupting that. You go have your couple time. We can do Monday night.

It's— you know, you try. You— and I think that's all we do is just, is just to try. Um, but it's, it is a shift for sure. It is a shift because so much of your marriage for so many years is your first thing out of your mouth is, hey, did you remember that Grace has this tomorrow? Or, hey, are you picking up tomorrow or am I? Like, those are the first words out of your mouth sometimes.

So I have to tell you that my— you of all people know this— my life is going to be so completely different when they all go to college because my life is totally focused on who's where, when, when do we have time for dinner, who has to be where, when, where is Seth going, where am I going. I can't even imagine what my life is going to look like.

Yeah, yeah, it's, it's a change. I mean, yeah, it really is. Anything— and then you think about the house that you have with these empty bedrooms and you're like, okay, you know, I mean, well, so you and I have talked about the fact that Seth and I had a 3-house plan, okay?

We had our starter house, then we got our bigger house, which is like double the size of our starter house, and then we were going to get our dream house. And Seth and I are like, you know, Max and Ella are like, we're leaving. Like, why are you trying to upgrade? Shouldn't you be getting smaller houses instead of bigger houses? And like, the kids really kind of convinced me that my plan made no sense.

Right, right. I mean, we kind of, you know, similar. We had the house that we were like, we could have— it had 4 bedrooms and everything stayed, but it was on a busier road and we didn't a little quieter. So then we found kind of that dream house, but the dream house is big, like it's bigger than—

yeah.

So I think the next thing, someday, not yet, yeah, yeah, to downsize at some point. I don't know, I just explained to Noah what downsizing meant. He didn't understand that because we were talking about another couple and they was like, oh, so-and-so listed their house, but they're both— their kids are off to college. And he's like, what does downsizing mean? You're downsizing your family? And I was like, no, it's that— the house, the space.

Well, and they still, they still come back. Like, I was explaining to Max and Ella, you know, your bedrooms, like, are still your bedrooms.

You still come back.

You're not, like, gone forever, right?

Right. Yeah, you just kind of— yeah, because they're back in the summers and they're back on breaks, and you just kind of coordinate all of that. And you're so happy when they're all home. It's— that's the best feeling when 5 of us are in the house. That's literally the best feeling.

Oh my gosh, and we took it such for granted. Like, I just can't even believe that that's going to be like a luxury soon.

I know, I know. Yep.

What's one thing that you wish someone had told you before college drop-off?

I mean, that one's a harder one because it's— I don't— I guess maybe this is gonna maybe sound a little silly, but I wish someone had told me how hot it is It's like a million degrees in those dorm rooms, and then you're running up and down. And I was like, oh my gosh, if I had like prepared my mentally myself to have like a cooling cloth. And like, I like, why did I have my hair up in a bun? And like, I don't know, I was like dressing like I was— I don't know why I did that. But then I started to realize, I was like, because then you literally are in that room and you're just like, you're so— you're just so warm. And you're like Okay, I need water and then there's no water to be had. So I don't know, maybe that's a silly thing, but like dress for the weather because almost all of us, even kids going to school in New York State, when they go back in August, it's really warm out still. And most of the dorm rooms in New York colleges, or like even probably Ohio, Pennsylvania, they don't have air conditioning.

So yeah, so bring cold waters.

Yeah, cold water. I'm writing down a little fan and like all of those things because, you know, dress just super comfortably. Like if it's warm enough out, tank top, shorts, like whatever you are comfortable in to be running because even though you're not running up and down that first year, you still are going up and making sure everything's there. Our school had us label everything with a name and then whatever, I forget, there was a special number that, and so then you knew must have been the dorm number or something. They knew what to bring up to that room and they just literally put it, put it outside the room and we were like, oh cool, it's all here. We just started bringing it in.

Amazing. And you probably left him with fans.

Yes. Yeah, we did. My favorite one in the whole world is called a woozoo. Have you ever heard of that? Yes, I got it at Costco, but you could get it pretty much anywhere and it's just this tiny little thing. It looks looks like— what's the guy from Star Wars? Why can't I think of it? That's who it looks like. Yep, yep, I know. I can't think of his name right now. I was gonna kill me because it's gonna be like, Mom, how do you not know that? But that's favorite because that just sits right on the dresser or the nightstand or whatever. And then we did a full-length fan as well, and both Noah and his roommate brought one, and we were like, do you want us to take yours home? And Noah was like, uh, no, actually no. And they used all three fans. For a while.

Oh my God. Well, it'll be cold before they know it.

Yeah, yeah. And then it gets cold. You're right.

So how do you think you supported them without solving problems? Like, if they called you with an issue, how did you handle that?

That's a good one because I was— oh, I always have been a solver. Yeah, a little. I would try to jump in really quickly and try to solve. And I'm even noticing this with Grace, who's in high school, that I'm trying— I've been really trying to make a conscious effort to listen and then maybe offer some advice, but to listen more. Because whatever the problem may be, sometimes they don't even really want to hear what I have to say. They just want to say it to someone. So that's what I've been trying to do, because I was always like, oh, well, if you do this, this, and this, and then Maybe if you do this, this, and this, sure, that's my opinion, but maybe that's not how they would have handled it.

Yeah, that's really good advice. Ella says parents need to listen more. I'm like, I hear you, I hear you, I will listen.

Say that. Yep.

So what helped you trust that they'd be okay?

Yeah, that's a— you just have to trust, and you know, yeah, you, you know, you hope and you just trust that they're going to be okay. And then you have to trust that, you know, they're not going to tell you everything. So I have another story to share. This was, this was a good one. We dropped Quinn off and there was a huge concert at Soldier Field that like literally that next weekend or like a couple of days after. And we were like, under no circumstances are you going to that concert alone. Like you literally just got to Chicago. It's a big city. You don't really know where anything is. You're not. And so we got the, ah, no, okay. And so we never like really thought about it again, you know, catch them later. And then like 2 years later, Quinn's roommate was like, oh, when Quinn went to whatever the concert was, and we were like, what? And Quinn's like, yeah, I went by myself to that. And I was like, and then it made me realize like, okay, they're gonna be okay. They took a bus to Soldier Field, or I don't even know, probably took transit, whatever, and went, went to the concert and came home. And yeah, kill my heart. Like, under no circumstances are you going to that concert.

But I mean, I mean, we can say what we want, but we're not there to enforce it. They're gonna do what they're gonna do. I mean, so the letting go, like the letting go, like last night Max was like, is it okay if I pick up my friends and we go to Taco Bell?

It was—

I was in bed, I was going to sleep. And I was like, like literally in my head, I was like, let go, let go. I was like, go ahead. And I was like, oh no, I'm not going to be able to sleep.

Oh, you don't know. Like, are they at Taco Bell at 3 in the morning? Wherever they are.

Yeah.

Yeah. I know. But I think those check-ins and just, just sometimes just like you can tell from a text or you can tell from a quick message or a FaceTime that you know if they're not happy. And then if they're not, then you, you work together. Through that and don't solve, like, we, you know, like, let them come to you. But that is something that you have to— every parent has to realize, like, there are going to be kids out there who are homesick, and they hopefully can work through it. I remember that was one of the stories that one of the RAs told us when Noah first moved in. She was like, the biggest mistake I made— because at Bonaventure they go to school and they go on Labor Day— so she's, the biggest mistake I made was I got in, I moved in, and I went home that first weekend, and then I went back to school for Labor Day. And she was like, I should never have done that. I should have just stayed and met everyone one. And so I remember telling that to Noah. I was like, remember when she said that? So, you know, just because a lot of the, you know, a lot of the kids, you can, if you can go home, you're an hour away or half an hour, you can run home. But that was something that always kind of stuck with me, is to—

good advice.

Yeah, keep them there on those first few weeks. Even if they can get home to you, they should try to stay and just get used to it and meet, meet as many people and you know, get used to their professors and all of that.

I just read this girl was saying how homesick she was for a while.

Yeah.

And her parents did not know what to do. They didn't know if they should pull her. She wasn't happy. And finally, like months later, she was happy. It just took her time.

Yeah. And it might, it might take you time. And I know you're right, like you said, as a parent you're thinking Why am I doing this to my child? I'm just leaving them there and they're all these, you know, so far away from me and they don't like it. And, and that's another thing too, that, you know, you, you could have roommate struggles just— and we all know that that could happen. You could just— or you could room with somebody that's your best friend and get there and be like, boy, they're my best friend and maybe we're better off not living together. We'll start— we'll still be best friends. But so there's all those little things and that happens. And that's the first thing that all— I remember the kids especially the kids at Bonaventure are so good. And they were like, if that happens, you just go to your RA, you work it, you know, we'll work it out. You don't have to live with that person forever. You just— so there, there's always a way to find— you'll always find someone who you hit it off with that you can also live with because, you know, everyone has a different schedule and everybody's different. So that's really good advice. Yep.

Well, and you talked about your Sundays with Derek. Are there other new routines or joys that you've noticed in your life with two kids off at college?

Yeah, I mean, just personally for me, um, it's very different too because as my kids have gotten older, I think you're still so ingrained right now in PTSA because you have Lily. And as your kids get older, you do— I've done a little bit less. So I've had— I chaired the craft show at Williamsville PTSA craft show for three years, and I We found two new chairs to take it over who are wonderful. So I haven't had those things. So now I've been trying to get out my walks more. I've started reading again. I haven't read in years. Like, I love reading, but I just— so, or picked up the show, you know, tried to do those shows with Noah while he's home in the summer, things like that. So, or even picking up with friends that I haven't seen in a long time. I've done a few dinners and, you know, old co-workers, friends, or even just PTSD friends that I've, you know, our kids have gone off to different schools and we've gotten together for dinner or, you know, whatever. So that, that's been a little more me time than I've had in a really long time.

What is that? No, I'm kidding.

I know, I know.

My friends with older kids are like um, can you go out Thursday at 7? And I was like, oh God, can— like, can I make it work? And what's nice is that summer, you know, summer is a little bit lighter right now. It's gonna pick back up in August, but like, I feel like I have a little tiny bit of a reprieve where it's a little bit less stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, who— like, anyone particular, like, supports system that helped you through this?

Yeah, I mean, a lot of my cousin whose kids went off that I mentioned in the beginning, you know, my friends who do have kids that are a little older whose kids have gone off in the last few years. Even I didn't know— I don't know Noah's roommates' family as well, but I got to know Quinn's roommates' family a little bit, and they're from St. Louis and that area. So she and I would message each other every so often and be like, what are they doing? And so that was helpful. Um, sometimes it was just about academic, you know, life and students and things. I'd reach out to my sister who is a college professor, so I had it from the different angles of both parents and family and then having that side from my sister. So that's all been, been helpful.

Well, and I'm trying to figure out— I mean, this is a whole nother topic that I'll probably talk to you about another time, but you know how we have wits with school.

Yes.

Okay, so you know, like, we're ingrained, like, we know everything that's going on. So now with college, to figure out, like, there's like a family newsletter, and like, I'm trying to figure out all the things of how to stay connected and actually know what's going on. Like, this is so new and foreign to me.

I don't— I'm gonna be honest, I don't really know.

Okay.

No, that's good to know. I'm on same thing, like I'm signed up for emails from both schools and we get, you know, me being in nonprofit, I get all their giving emails and things like that. And then there's a magazine that comes out. I follow both schools on social media, so I see when there's bigger activities and things like that. But if it were in particular of like, you know, sometimes when a teacher reaches out to your child and you're like, do you need me to help like write the email? But then like, do you need me to look at it and craft it? If you're writing back to Dear Mrs. or Mr. So, you know, dear, and you know, they have to write back to a professor, they just write back and yeah, I don't know, you know, I know you don't care about the grades. Like we follow, you know, you get the report cards and you're like, you can be like, oh yeah, you did great, or What happened in science? Like, how did you get, you know, do we need to study more? What are we doing? And, um, none of that. You just, yeah, for the best. Yeah, yeah. My best story was a Quinn story, and it was a, I don't like this class, so I didn't really turn anything in. It's all due in a few days, but the system at the school went down, so they had like an extra day or two. And so I called my sister because I was like, what do I, like, what do I do? And my sister's you tell them to get every single assignment in. And again, this is like a child who is kind of like me, like, I can't turn it in if it's not perfect. And I was like, you just turn it in. And they ended up getting like a B+ in the class. And I told them, I'm like, I'm— this is the first time I ever had to get involved at all in college. It was like freshman or sophomore year. And I was like, at 6:30 tomorrow morning, because they're an hour behind, I'm like, I expect to see a text message that you've turned in every single assignment. This will never happen again. Because we're paying for this class. And I got a— Mom, I got a phone call. Mom, you're right. You were 100% right. I should have never done that. I should have turned everything in. And I did learn a lesson and I got like a B+ in the class, like, which is so unlike—

I mean, you would never expect that.

You don't expect that, right, from even a student like, you know, class.

Yes.

Turns everything in but just didn't like the material in the class. And I was like, it doesn't really matter if you don't like it. Like, there's lots of things that we do in the world that we don't love, but we still do them because we need to do them. We made a commitment.

Well, and a mom said to me, remember to ask them their grades. And I'm like, well, of course I'm gonna ask their grades. I'm gonna want to know that.

Yep.

Oh my gosh. So any challenges that you're comfortable sharing with us? That they had, and you don't have to, and maybe they didn't.

Yeah, um, I think challenges— are you thinking more what they had or challenges that I had?

Um, either one, like challenges that your kids had at school that they overcame. Um, it sounds like you adjusted. You know, there's, there's bumps at school? I'm sure it's not smooth sailing all the time. I mean, I guess you just explained one with the turning, turning in the stuff.

Gosh, that was, that was horrible. And I think more with Noah was, you know, I think Noah did reach out and they— so Noah was always very involved in the musicals in high school at North, and at St. Bonaventure there's not really a big program like that. So we were like, try something. So Noah tried the play last fall, didn't love it because I think missed the musical piece of it. Yeah, yeah. But memorized all these lines, so we went to go see the play. It was really very good and it wasn't a huge cast. And then said to me, I don't think I want to do the play again. And I was like— so I kind of— that was another piece, it's like a challenge, like do you— how much do you push your child? So I kind of let it go for the spring semester, but then we've been talking more now and I was like, you know, by the time next semester comes find something. I don't— it doesn't— it can be anything you want. You can volunteer, you can, you know, get involved in a club, but you have to do something. Like, that's always my big thing is that they have to do something and they have to find— and there's so much that schools offer, but there's something for everyone. They're really— that, that was a bit of a challenge with Noah's, just the, you know, get involved, get involved in it, because it is easy to go back to your dorm room when you're a little bit more of a quieter person. Yes, like you need that space. Like at the end of the day, if Noah's around a lot of people, at the end of the day, Noah needs to go in his room and decompress. Like, it's just—

yeah, totally get it. I totally get it. Well, and Max's roommate's mom said, is Max joining clubs? And you know that they can sign up for clubs. And I was like, Max, go sign up for some clubs. He's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, you can sign up now. Go figure this out.

Yeah, so they must do it a little differently, which I think every school does. But at Bonaventure, they had a club fair once they got in, and you— everything was set up on, you know, the quad area, and you could walk around and you could just talk to people, which I said, I know you have to go to that, just like talk to people. But at Cornell, they're doing things a little bit differently where they're, you know, you sign it, you can sign up ahead of time.

I mean, who knows, he'll figure it out, right?

You will.

So tell me how Grace has adjusted to them leaving, because I mean, she's like an only child.

She— I really thought when Noah went that she would come home and like, if she didn't have a sport or something, she'd just go up to her room and shut the door. And she has not done that. I thought she would more, but she like, she brings down— if she's even just like watching a show or she's on her iPad or something, she brings it down and sits in the kitchen. Um, she has a lot of her homework still in her room. She has her desk up there and everything. But if it's just like, hey, like we do— we've done a lot more family dinners because there's just one, and so we, we can work family dinner around her schedule. So, you know, whatever it is. And a lot of times, like, I am— you know me, I am not a cook at all. So if it's tacos in a bag or whatever it might be, but— and if we eat it at 8 o'clock at night But it was hard with the 3 of them. Like, we'd be like, okay, what are we ordering tonight? And we would not be— but we've been better about that. And so she's hung around with us a lot more in the, you know, common spaces, in the family room, in the kitchen, versus— I think I thought she'd go up in her room more. So that's been nice. I think she maybe— she knew we needed it a little bit, you know.

Oh my God, I said to Lily the other day when I hugged her I said, listen, you, I'm gonna need a lot of hugs.

You know, I know, but then it gives you the opportunity to— it also almost, as you said, it almost is like being an only child for a little while. So whatever it is, anything at school, any sports game, like, I know you're like me, like, you don't like to miss things, but sometimes you have to. If somebody else has something, you have to split it up. And yeah, you'll sometimes— I know you sometimes get like your parents to go, like, you guys go I'll go here. And it's like, I could go to everything because I didn't—

so weird. It sounds so weird when you say that. Yeah, that's where we're going.

Yeah, direction. Okay. You know, I've been to all the lacrosse games this year, which you say you never come to my lacrosse games. And I'm like, well, I'm always running somebody. I would always do cheer and Derek would always do the other sports. And so then when cheer— she didn't go back to cheer, it was like, oh, I, I'm— yeah, I'll go to lacrosse, I'll go to field hockey, because now I've got— I can do all those.

That's, that's wonderful. See, there's some silver linings. So give me, just give me some like vision of how often you get to see them during the school year.

So with Noah, because he's only an hour and a half away, we saw him a lot. Um, he really enjoys You know, like, Will, he loves going to Shea's. He loves going to— we started to do where the BPO will play all the music to a movie and then they'll show the movie. So there's been some at Kleinhans and some at Shea's. So he was like, I really want to see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. We're like, we'll come get you. So we would get him a little bit more for a couple of those things. And then I got him tickets to in Toronto. We— it was a present, but we got him tickets to go see Avatar: The Last Airbender in concert because that was our favorite animated show when the kids were growing up. So it was in Toronto, so we went there. So we got him— there's a couple weekends he was home every weekend, and so we got a little bit extra, and then he would come home on every break. Now Quinn is different. Quinn lives in an apartment now. They just moved. It was very interesting that I literally, other than the fact that I was like, did you find the apartment yet, they did everything. The 4 roommates together toured, found it, packed, moved, rented a truck. I like, one day they were in one apartment and then ordered everything, and I was like, well, like, we'll help you out still, we know you're still in school. Mom, I ordered everything, but I use your Amazon account for some things. And I'm like, that's, that's totally fine, we said we would help, and did everything. And so Quinn's really just home now about twice a year, but we try to go there maybe twice, so it's not as often. But it's also— it's a flight, it's an easy flight, but it's also an 8-9 hour drive.

Oh my goodness. So closer is better.

Yeah, I know. Grace is telling me she wants to go to California, so—

oh my God, we just had this conversation with Ella. She's like, you're not gonna— so, you know, we didn't let we had boundaries and we did not let Max apply to Berkeley. He wanted to go to Berkeley and we said no. Um, so I'm very like, I'm glad that— but he said he might want to do that for grad school, so I did say no. So now Ella's like, so California is a no? And I'm like, California is a no.

I mean, I, I didn't say no, but also because I have my sister there, so yes.

Yes, that's different.

Feel a little bit better that, you know, Grace would have someone who could get to her if something happened. Who knows if she'll probably end up applying to a few schools there, but I, I don't think she wants to be as close as Noah.

I think she wants to expect these children. So what do you want to— what advice do you want to leave moms with today? One piece of advice.

Oh well, do you want to be overall? You want to be more about the— I, I think because I'm so organized that I like to leave my advice around organization because I think that that is a— that's a biggest— that's a big stressor for right this moment. So in the next month everyone's like, what do I do? And so that was always my— I think that's a piece of advice is to just get everything in order as early as you can. And I know some people are like, oh, I have everything, but so— and then you don't really need to fully— like, if you have everything and you've got it laid out, like you said, your dining room table, you can make sure it's all there, and then a few weeks before, you know, a week even before, you just, you label it, you do what you need to do. The other thing that I was thinking of is you have to think it through, which we didn't even with Noah as our second, because we drove and I was like, we're all gonna go together, but I don't want to take two cars. And so we packed it all into one car. We had a big enough, we don't, you know, we have an SUV that was big enough, and Grace and I sat like on top of each other. We were like, right, it was the most uncomfortable car ride. And then I was like, Why didn't I just take 2 cars? Like, it's only an hour and it's not that far. So I get it, you have to think about, you have to think that about that though, because if you have 2 cars that are smaller and you're taking everything from Buffalo with you and driving it somewhere, you might need to think about like, do we want to take 2 cars or do we want to rent a minivan or, you know, some sort of an SUV for the weekend and take that. So that's another piece of advice that I think You have to plan ahead so you know, you know, what vehicle you're taking and who's going. Because if all 5 of you go, then you would need 2 cars probably. Or is like your child taking a car? Then maybe, I don't know, you know, I know a lot of fresh cars, but I'm very sad the girls can't come.

They both, they both have stuff, so they're both very bummed about that. And it's like mandatory stuff, so it really sucks.

Yeah, that's okay. But then you have to think about, can you fit it all in with like 2 people? And then basically all you can leave is 1 seat because you're going to need every inch of the rest of that space.

Yeah, no, that's really good advice. We're going to have to see if we need 2 cars. Let's hope not.

Yeah, yeah, because I know that's a little farther drive for you too. So yeah, it's just, you know what it is, it's the parking situation.

Because they said you pull up and they take all your stuff and then you have to go park far. So that does not— the parking situation doesn't sound fun, but we'll figure, we'll figure it out. I mean, I asked you so many questions, Laura. Do you feel like there's anything I didn't ask you, or did I cover most of it?

I think you covered most of it. Um, you know, I hope, I hope it is. I remember sitting there just, you know, a few years ago, and It's a scary thought. It really is. And when you reached out to me about this, I was like, gosh, what could I offer? That I was like, you know what, actually we have been through a lot of things. And you have— oh, when you just learn along the way. But the biggest thing I'd say, and I think that's everything that you've created here, is to have each other and to know that you can reach out, you know. And anybody, whether I know them personally or not, can reach out to me if they have— you know, connect them to me if they questions or use, use your, use your network, use who you have and you trust that maybe sent someone to college in the last few years so you can lean on them because sometimes it's just a listening ear. Just call someone and be like, I just need to cry on your shoulder. I'll be okay, but I just need to cry on your shoulder. And then, then you're okay and then you trade stories and then you start talking about other things and that's all good.

Well, and the wonderful thing is, is that I have friends like you who have been through it and can give me advice. And I just keep asking you all questions. So I think we need to reach out to the, to the moms and dads who have already been through this.

Yep, exactly. Yeah. And I think even that then when you say that, even the dads will have a different perspective because Derek has a very different perspective on things because I feel like Derek and probably Seth, they handled more of the paperwork end, the financial end of things, and that's not the things I did. So, you know, when it came to like, oh, you know, now Quinn's looking for this apartment, and I got the, oh, hey Mom, can you put Dad on because I need him to look at this lease for me and make sure? And, oh, I have to ask my question about renter's insurance, and all the things that I was like, ask Dad about. And so we kind of split those things. That's how we split it, but every couple is different, and whoever is, I we handle the things that we are better at. That's— I'm not as strong in those areas.

Yeah.

Eric, can you organize the list, order all the supplies, and label it? He'd be like, please don't make me do that. Oh my God, friends, I love that stuff. Yeah, I'll do it.

Our marriage sounds very similar with college and who handles what. And I will tell you, Seth's answer is he doesn't need all this stuff. And I'm like, yes he does.

Yeah, maybe that was the one thing. What are the things you don't need?

Yes. Yes, that I was gonna ask you that.

And hold on because I actually wrote notes on this because I wanted to tell you a few things. Yes, please. Okay, so the things you didn't need were like, I bought a toolkit and I did bring it, buy a broom and a dustpan, and it never got used for either child. Now, Quinn—

that's so sad.

Quinn now uses a vacuum. Like, they need all that because they have an apartment and they have to clean their own bathrooms and everything. But like I said, I remember the first year I sent like Norwex cloths because I had bought extra and I sent like Norwex detergent and then I had a little list and I was like, if you want— if you use the cloth and you wash it, wash it separately and only the Norwex detergent. And the Norwex cloths came home perfectly new, no detergent had been used. And I was like, okay, whatever. So, you know, just things like that that they didn't really need. And the things they for sure needed, which depends on if you live in a suite or like Noah had just a standard room and you have to walk down the hall to go to the bathroom. So, you know, like shoes to go shower in and maybe a robe. Like some kids just throw shorts on and, you know, as a boy they just walk back. But I was like, I kind of like a robe. So I'm like, alright, get a robe. And, you know, and I think the storage organizer, my favorite one is one that hooks on the front of the bed and it has all these little pockets. That was from Pottery Barn. And I actually have one for each kid and then What I've actually done is when I found a storage— something storage related that I really liked, like a couple little drawer systems and the under the bed boxes— and this sounds crazy, but I bought extra and I have it put away for Grace. Does that sound crazy?

No, that sounds amazing. I love that.

And a shelf in the basement that's called Grace. And pillow she wanted and a lamp we got through Buy Nothing that was cute and she liked it. And then, um, there's extra storage bins and things that then I— because sometimes when you buy them even on Amazon, by the time you go back 2 years later, they're, they're discontinued.

So, I mean, I like that.

Yeah. And then keeping a shelf available, like somewhere to put the stuff, because what happens when they come home in May and then you've got all this stuff? Where is it living for 3 months?

Oh God, I didn't even— you know what though, this is really good motivation for me because I need, you know, I need to organize my basement. You and I have talked about that. So I have to get through the bat mitzvah and then I have to get through moving him to the dorm. And then I will, I will work on the basement because I'm going to have to have a place for all his stuff.

It goes away and then it comes home double the size that it was when it went away because everything— now your mattress cover that was like a tiny little thing is now a full long twin full. And Noah's like, what are we doing with this? I was like, fold it in half and stick it in the basement so it's on a shelf in the basement. And then towards the end of the summer this year, we'll go through and just decide if there's anything we need to replenish. Which everything out to anywhere you go to school, there's always a store nearby. So that's the thing. It's like Derek would be like, we're going to Ollé Ann, it's okay, there's a Walmart, there's an Aldi, there's all these things around. Like if you forget something, we'll go and run and buy it. And I'm like, okay, because I was like We're gonna forget. That's—

yes, I needed to hear that. Yeah, well, I can't— I kept you so long. I can't thank you enough. I guarantee you that we— you will help lots of people with this episode.

Open my— I'd be thinking of everyone because I know that this is a— it's a bittersweet time, and I know everyone's now gotten through graduation, and a lot of the grad parties are happening or have happened. And so, you know, all I can say is just enjoy it as much as you can because it goes— we all say it goes really fast.

So yes, and I'm so excited. I'm so excited for him. I'm sad for me, but I'm not sad for him. I'm excited for him.

He's gonna love it. And he's, he's just gonna do great things.

Well, thank you so much. So appreciate you. And this is Rebecca Greene, and I want to remind everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.

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