Episode 474: The College Drop Off

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Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Happy Winey Balooza Wednesday, everybody!

I don't want to do any of the talking tonight.

Welcome to a very special edition of Winey Palooza Wednesday, the post-college drop-off. We got back late last night after dropping Max off for his departure to Cornell as a freshman, and we all talked about it on our blogs this week.

Um, Seth—

or Seth and I Ellie and I are coordinating when we can. This week we did college drop-off. So Ellie, you want to tell them about your column?

Yes, I mean, I don't remember every word of it.

No, just share some of the tidbits.

But some of the tidbits were, it kind of felt like my childhood was ending in a way because my brother—

I got a lot of comments about that comment.

Yeah, I'm going to respectfully disagree. This is not— while it was beautiful, poetic, dramatic writing, This isn't— him going is not the nail in the coffin of your childhood. Just because you are the oldest child in the house now does not make you a child anymore. You can't go vote, you can't legally consume— buy alcohol, you can't do a whole lot of stuff. Just 48 hours didn't change.

I've been taking the ACT, man.

Yeah, but you had to do that whether Max was leaving or whether he went down the street.

True. It just more encapsulates how I feel right now in this moment in time. It's not just Max leaving.

Right, so it's your life is changing because you are a junior.

Yeah.

That is separate from Max specifically leaving. I'll let you continue. I, I apologize, but I did want to address that statement.

You got anything else, Ella?

Honestly, the biggest change for me is obviously not having him to talk to whenever I want. 'cause I have to text him and wait for him to respond. But also like driving, 'cause like he would drive us places sometimes and I'm not the best driver yet.

Right, you gotta actually get your license.

Right.

Yeah, we were supposed to be taking you driving every day and we've majorly failed at that.

Well, we kind of had a bat mitzvah and a college to prep for. Maybe now we can focus more on Ellie's driving.

This summer has been intense. Intense, people.

Yes.

Um, I don't know what I got in me tonight. I'm going to do my best.

Um, would you like me to prompt you from your notes?

Well, the first night wasn't very good.

The first night was better than the second night.

No, the first night at home.

Oh, the first night at home. I thought you meant the first night at Ithaca.

Okay, let's talk about dropping Max off.

Yes.

Um, I would say so In— so you can read Ella's column in my blog at wineandcloser.com. We both wrote. And what was I gonna say? In my blog is a huge list of pretty much everything we packed in the car. So you can refer to that. And I wrote, I literally, as I packed, made a list.

Oh, that's awesome.

Because I have to replicate it for Ella and Lily, right?

But they might take their stuff that he took that they will take that he would not, like makeup, vanity, which you talked about.

Yeah, I mean, there's lots of girl stuff they're gonna want, decorations. And he literally, he's so easy. He wanted, um, I already had a Bills banner that I saved for his dorm room. I'm very impressed. He brought it home from a Bills game. He must have gone with my brother.

Yeah.

He brought home a Bills banner and I literally put it where I would remember for his dorm room years before.

Yeah, I'm also going to bring stuffed animals and he's not.

Yeah, so I— he literally wanted the Bills banner and a Spider-Man poster. Like, he did not want any decorations. So taking a boy to college is completely different than taking—

he wanted a whiteboard.

He want— we got him a whiteboard.

So girls may not take a whiteboard.

I might, we'll see.

You, you don't need— that's true, the common areas have whiteboards. He really didn't even need it, but he has one in his room, right?

That's for when he's drawing it in his room and doesn't want to go out there or someone's using it.

So we packed up the car. Um, I mean, the car— the SUV was so stuffed that I was so sad that Ella and Lily couldn't come because Lily had cheer and Ella had Link Crew. But we didn't have room for them.

There was no— I mean, Max was squished because there was stuff, noms, everywhere.

So it was packed to the brim. So we get there and we do the check-in and we find the right lot and we find the right dorm and we unload our stuff. And Seth takes the car, Max and I go upstairs, and I looked at his dorm and I was like, this is a lovely dorm. We've gotten lots of comments about how big it is. But how am I gonna fit a carload of stuff? I was so like, oh my God, I have so many bags, how am I gonna do this? And Max and I did it. Seth helped too.

Yes, I just had to put the car on the right lot, wait for a shuttle, take the shuttle back to the dorm, and then I was happy to help.

So the first day at Cornell was easy. We set up his room. I'm sorry, I didn't sleep last night. Um, I set up— we set up his room. And it was easy. It was pretty easy minus the dry erase board that drove him crazy. And we— what did we do after we set up the room? We went— we walked around way too much. Way too much.

Went to the school store to buy stuff.

He wanted to go to the school store. We met his roommate and mom and aunt for ice cream. Ice cream. We— where did we get— did we get dinner? Oh, we didn't get dinner. No. Max wanted to go to the gym.

He wanted to go to the gym. Well, he wanted to walk his classes first. He walked his Monday classes. Then we— then he went to the gym. What did we do when he was at the gym?

We went out to dinner.

Oh, that was because you wanted to go to the gym at night. Yes. Then we went to the Ithaca Commons and waited for an hour for a table, and then we had dinner at an overcrowded Church Staff restaurant, and I think we ate at like 10 o'clock at night.

That wasn't good at all. And then I didn't sleep, so I haven't slept. So we'll see if I sleep tonight.

A couple days.

Um, haven't slept in a couple days. So then the next day was much harder. And what did we do the next day? Oh, so there's two different, there's two different theories that I want to tell you about. I have read a lot about dropping your kids off at college and some people say drop your kid off and come right home and it's easier for everybody. And I totally get that. Like I see how that can be easier, but there were two things that I really wanted to do the next day. I wanted Max to sleep in his dorm room and I wanted to see what he needed from the store.

Like, what did we forget? What did he realize he needed?

Yes, we forgot stuff. So here's what I'm gonna say. Like, I was like, good job. Like, I, I mean, like, Seth looked at what I did and he was like, oh my God, honey, good job. Like, I bought so much stuff. So I knew I did a good job, but I knew we would forget stuff. I knew we would need stuff at the store. I knew Max would forget stuff at home. And the funny thing is, like, if I didn't pack it, some of the stuff didn't make it, you know? Like, it was like, are you bringing this? Are you bringing that? Like, he didn't actually pack it, but that's okay. It's not like necessary.

Yeah.

Um, so we went to the store. I wanted to go to the store and get him some stuff. And, um, help me out, what was after the store? Oh, the convocation.

Yes.

Okay, so the convocation is a ceremony for new students. It was absolutely beautiful. It was at the stadium. Um, if it wasn't hot, it would have been wonderful. But, um, read— Michael, read— tell them who Michael is.

So Michael Kotlikoff, the president, um, who has— is in molecular biology and has been— his research is funded by the NIH for like 35 years, and a zillion letters after his name— said, you are among the most well-trained students in the world here. There are no imposters here. Welcome to Cornell.

So when he said that, I don't know what—

I didn't hear, "You are the most well-trained students in the world." I heard, "You're the most smartest students in the world." Maybe I remembered it wrong.

Okay, maybe I remembered it wrong.

It doesn't matter.

I think he said—

You're probably right.

I probably have the wrong words.

Whatever.

Anyway, he said something very nice.

So I was like, I was like, you know, and you're gonna hear this throughout this, I was like, oh, he could go to UB down the street. He got into the honors program. He could just live at home. It's cheaper. It's close. He could just live at home. And then Michael, the president, said that, and I was like, you know what? So we all need to remind me of this. Max loves to learn. Like he's such a student, he loves to learn, and he did such a good, good job in high school and really earned his spot at Cornell. And I was like, he is among really good students, like students that he can thrive with. And I was like, he's telling these kids that they're among the smartest students in the world. And I was like, he should be here, he should be here. So if I live and the excitement. Okay, so I'm going to tell you what not to do, and I'm going to tell you what to do. And I'm talking to myself, but I'm hopefully helping other mothers.

I'm sure you are.

Okay, so what not to do— these are things. Okay, so Max, Max has this big beautiful bed in his bedroom. We bought him a really nice expensive bed.

Yep. And it's funny, when we bought it at the store and we paid, and he laid, you know, he was trying beds and then he picked one and we bought it. The salesman was like, man, your parents are really nice. This bed is nicer than the bed I have at home, and I'm an adult working in a bed store.

Oh, I remember that so well. It feels like yesterday. So we bought him this really nice bed, and he's like, yeah, it's tough getting used to sleeping in a small bed. And then a couple times he's like, yeah, I miss your cooking. So he— the food at Cornell is amazing. But it's like, it feels like he's eating out and it doesn't feel—

That's what he said, yeah. Felt like a restaurant.

Okay.

Every meal.

So don't think about Max trying to adjust to his bed. Don't think about Max missing my cooking. Don't think about Max having to do his own laundry 'cause I do all the laundry here. Don't think about the fact that when we left, he was only friends with his roommate, although he met a couple friends at the gym and it sounds like he met met more people today. So don't focus on like those kind of things. I was just telling Ella at dinner how to train your brain, and it's to direct your thoughts where you want them to go, and then we're rewiring. And then the more often we do that, we're training our brain to think that way. So when I'm worrying, I could go off to the races and follow the worry line and throw out all my worries, or I can start doing things like, think about all the awesome classes he's about to take, all the awesome professors he's about to have, all the awesome connections he's about to make, all the awesome students he's about to become friends with. Did I write anything else? Think about how beautiful the campus is, he loves Ithaca. So, if I think about that kind of stuff, I'm making myself happy, if I live and the excitement and the next chapter for him, and I think about how good this is for him, then I'm okay. What about you, Seth?

Yes, that is— when I focus on the good and the excitement and the positive, that helps.

But I miss him.

Yes, me too.

Oh my goodness. So what else do I need to tell them? Okay, so Seth and I wrote Max letters. You don't have to do this. We're just giving you parent pointers that we did. We're just sharing what we did. I had a list of things going off in my brain, and I find with my kids— I'm gonna give you guys this, this pointer that I have figured out with my children. Sometimes they don't want to sit down and have a conversation. Sometimes they just want to read my thoughts. So like, I will text Lily instead of go talk to her because she will read it and take it in better. So I was like, I'm not going to sit down with Max with my list, and I'm not going to go, Max, I have a list for you, sit down, we're going to go over my list. Like, he would have rolled his eyes and been like, oh my mother.

Yeah.

So what I did was I did a list on paper that I needed to say for myself, things I have told him, things that Seth has told him, things that he knows, but reinforcing it is good for our kids and it's good for us. So I wrote a sweet letter. There was a lot of sweetness and a lot of feelings, but there was also practical things that were gonna settle my mind, my mom mind. So like some subjects just to share with you in case you want to do this. I obviously talked about the love and support, that Seth and I are like always here for him anytime. So are his sisters. He's never alone. The importance of communication and honesty. He doesn't have to tell me he loves it if he doesn't. Like, I want him to be honest. I want to know how things are going. I want him to respond to my text messages. Every family has different expectations. I just read online that a mother set up with her daughter that she has to FaceTime her every Sunday. They have a FaceTime call appointment every Sunday. Some mothers were laughing and saying, we text all day, every day. Some mothers were criticizing that and saying, leave them alone. Like, everyone has an opinion. So I want you to figure out, like, actually figure out, is this work? Is what I'm doing working well? Is it serving me? Is it serving my kid? If it's not, then you can change it. But I told Max, like, I want him to respond to us. Yes. So, um, I also think that, you know, nothing is permanent. Obviously our goal— so Seth is going to agree with me, I think— our goal is for Max to go to Cornell for at least 4 years. He wants to get his PhD, so he may go more than 4 years, or he may go somewhere else. He may go somewhere else for his PhD. He may fall in love with Cornell and want to stay there. I think that Parent— being a good parent goes with the word flexible, and I think that we shouldn't be rigid in our thinking. So I'm not rigid that Max is going to be there for 4 years. I'm just hopeful that he's there at least 4 years.

Yes.

So flexibility, communication, schoolwork, and balance. Max studied so much in high school. We know that Max can study. We just want to make sure that he balances. I want to make sure that he has friend time. I want to make sure— Yeah, I want to make sure that he takes care of himself. My mother sent him with a bunch of vitamins. Take your vitamins, drink water, get sleep, uh, eat your meals. Like, we went over stuff that helps you stay healthy so that you can be a good student. I wonder what's going on with that cop right there. Um, okay, so safety. I worry less with my son, but, um, I'm gonna have a harder time sending my daughters to school, but, you know, teach some self-defense. Seth has his third-degree black belt. Um, I think I saw you going over a couple things with him.

I did.

And I will have him do more with our daughters. But I said to Max, walk with a friend, be aware of your surroundings, like go over some safety things. We didn't send him with that, um, alarm. Okay, drinking and drugs. I don't want him to do any drugs. I'm like, I don't want you to drink or do drugs. There's alcohol everywhere at college. I'm not naive. If he drinks, which I don't want him to, I want him to be responsible. I don't want him to overdrink. I don't want him to get in a car with someone who's been drinking. I don't want him to drive if he's been drinking. He doesn't have his car there, but there's other cars there, right? So I just went over stuff to make myself sane. Morsein. Girls and dating. So I'm hoping he's gonna date. I want him to be respectful, I want him to be chivalrous, I want him to be careful, I want him to date people who make him better and make him feel good about himself. And have the damn sex talk. I don't care that our kids don't want to do it, do it anyway. And get involved and meet people. So Max, is he would say he's an introvert. I would say it's easier for me to talk to people than him. Yes, right. I think that his social battery may— hopefully he has wound—

getting a bigger charge, getting more capacity.

Hopefully he has wound up his social battery because he needs to go meet people. I'm like, get involved, meet people. When we were walking around, there were kids playing soccer everywhere. I was like, You're a soccer— you played soccer for 12 years. Go join in a soccer game. Go play basketball. Go do something. I don't want to see him sitting in his room. I mean, Seth is like, he's gonna sit in his room sometimes. So what else? So get involved. Push yourself to meet people. He's been everywhere today. I don't know what he's up to, but he's not sitting in his room, so Seth and I are happy.

Yes.

Space and laundry. I was like, Max, you know, it's not your bedroom. You can't throw clothes everywhere. You have a roommate. Like, actually try to be tidy and remember to do your laundry. We went to the laundry room. We did, um, a third laundry lesson. I think that's the third time I've talked to him about doing laundry. I don't think he's actually ever done a load. Uh, I told Seth he's going to Cornell, he can figure out laundry.

Yes.

And hopefully—

yes, hopefully it's not that hard.

So those are just some subjects that I wanted to pass on. Seth wrote him a beautiful letter that was not practical like mine.

Well, you covered all of it, and I didn't need to write a practical one.

Ella, tell them what you found for Max.

Oh, so I found him a Spider-Man notebook at Target. So he loves Spider-Man, so I wrote him a letter.

I'm doing you next, Lily.

And I said, hey, like, this would be a good diary for you so you can document your first year of college because this is something you might want to read or your kids might want to read in the future.

Or we might want to read if we're alive.

So yeah, Gramps had said that he should document his first life.

His first year.

His first life.

I think it's all of our first lives.

I don't think so.

I've had 237 past lives.

So So, Graham had suggested that he document his first year of college, so Ella took that to heart and found him a beautiful journal. Only, I mean, like, it couldn't be more perfect because he loves Spider-Man.

Yes.

And Lily went to Target and made Max a basket of a bunch of very thoughtful things that he needs to take to Target to take to school. I'm very tired. Yes. I'm stumbling over my words. She made him a basket of stuff that he needs to take to school. Stuff like skincare, skincare, uh, paste, gel paste, hair stuff. Um, she did such a nice job and she made him a wonderful like care package. And what else? We sent him off with stuff, sent him off with lots of stuff. It's quite the roller coaster. I think motherhood in general is quite the roller coaster. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay. Seth, are you okay? No, I'm not okay. I miss him.

Yeah.

So, um, who's on the podcast Friday? I did so much work that I came home to a present that I bought myself.

Yes, you did.

I bought myself a present and it was waiting for me when I got home. And I don't want to give you the finger. I'm going to try to be, um, careful and show you my new tulip ring. I found this from TikTok, and it's called a tulip ring from Let Me Jewelers, and you can get any birthstone. And I got Max's birthstone, which happens to be red, which matches Cornell. Yep. So it was perfect to have that waiting for me. And, um, I told Seth that I couldn't do this tonight, so I don't know how we did this tonight. We've been quite a mess today. Yes, we're gonna be okay. He's gonna be fine. Hopefully he's gonna thrive and love it. I think if we see him loving it— yes, are we gonna be— are you gonna be okay? Yes, yes, yes. Okay, so we'll keep you posted on how things are going. If you are dropping off your child, um, you are not alone. We just did it. We know how it feels. It's very hard. Sabrina Oso is on the podcast on Friday, and she is talking about how to keep our home safe for our kids. And I have lots of guests lined up for every Friday podcast. And thank you for joining us, and we will be back next week.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

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