Episode 477: Healing Childhood Traumas to Transform Adult Relationships

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No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza. Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Greene for the Whiny Palooza podcast, and I am very excited today because I get to speak with the amazing Rihanna Milne. Rihanna, thank you Rihanna, thank you so much for being here with us today.

Thanks for having me, Rebecca. It's a pleasure to be here. Thank you.

I was just telling her that I was looking at all the stuff that she has done, and we are so lucky to have her here with us today. We're going to learn so much from her. But first, I want to tell you a little bit about Rihanna. She is a powerhouse in the personal development and relationship coaching space. As a licensed mental health counselor, with advanced trauma certifications. She's dedicated her career to helping people break free from toxic patterns and create the love and life they deserve. Rihanna is a number one bestselling author of two transformative books, Love Beyond Your Dreams and Live Beyond Your Dreams, and she was recognized in 2021 as one of 100 successful women in business globally. Congratulations on that. That's amazing. Now, of course, I lost my spot. Through her coaching practice at rhiannamilne.com and her Lessons in Life and Love podcast, she combines clinical expertise with practical wisdom to guide clients from fear and doubt to personal power and authentic relationships. I mean, how amazing does all of that sound? You're going to help us so much today. And I told her I have way too many questions. We're not going to get to all of my questions. But I want to start with, you know, you help people break free from toxic patterns. I mean, how do we even begin to recognize them in our relationships?

Well, it's fairly easy because if you're feeling sick in any way, you get migraines all the time or stomachaches, irritable bowel syndrome, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, any way that the body is responding to constant abuse and trauma, the body tells you. Right? The body tells you, um, you can't sleep, um, uh, you're highly high with anxiety. Actually, there's 7 life areas that trauma hits, and unhealed childhood trauma hits. And it is proven in the research that unhealed childhood trauma causes love trauma. So one goes into the other as you age and get older, and it's really important that you heal the childhood traumas originally. And the way of the big pharmas was always give them a pill, mask symptoms, and not really deal with the problems. And that's the sad part, because the anti-anxiety, antidepressant meds, they are just a Band-Aid. So what I do is I'm holistic— mind, body, and spirit— and do, you know, take each individual that's in front of me as a different puzzle depending on their childhood traumas that they have dealt with. In their past or were a product of their environment, right? So childhood trauma is not our fault, but what happened when you grew up? And then how are they showing up now? So each person has their own individual coaching program depending on what they have gone through and what they're dealing with now. And, um, you know, part of that is the psychosomatic, you know, the biopsychosocial. So how do you feel in your body? How is this dealing with you, dealing with it in your life as a whole? And how is it impacting you and keeping you stuck or in negativity in your mindset? So we deal with all of that for the healing process.

I mean, it sounds amazing. And I know that you have identified 10 childhood traumas. And I think that what you and I touched on is a lot of us don't think that we've had a trauma when we have. So can you, can you tell us all about them?

Yes, very much so. Um, well, I've been in private practice over 25 years as a therapist. My company's Therapy by the Sea for that portion of the business. And my population I worked with was very diverse. I was in the schools at every grade level, kindergarten all the way through college, part as a school psychologist and part as a trauma counselor. So I saw all these little kids and high school kids. Then I worked at a mental health unit for kids ages 5 through 19. For Atlanticare Hospital Group in South Jersey. Then I worked at drug and alcohol rehabs, one for teenagers, one for women from the prison system. Um, these are just a few of the jobs that I've held in that time span, as well as private practice. So I was working with people of diverse cultures, ages, you know, from children all the way to people in their 80s. And the top 10 traumas kept showing up in all my notes. I went through this, I went through this, And then actually I went through a second love trauma, and that led me to say, what is causing me to choose the people I'm choosing? And because I wanted to stop that pattern, and I came up with a quote back then, you can't change what you don't know, acknowledge, or understand. Yeah, I understand. If I could understand it for me, I could help teach my clients at the time. And when I went through that love trauma, I went to 7 therapists, some I knew as friends who knew my partner and some who did not know me. None of them could help me heal what we call love trauma. It's not in the DSM-IV. I have a triple master's in psychology. We didn't study that. We didn't even hear the term childhood traumas. So that sent me into the deep psychological research in the journals myself. And what I was finding was like so remarkable to me. I started writing my number one bestseller, Love Beyond Your Dreams. Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve. Got up to 400 pages. I'm like, oh my God, I have to stop, but I still have all this other research. So then I started making notebooks for— one for singles, one for couples, and then one for generic, for personal transformation work. Um, so the first part of all of them is the ha— the trauma healing. And, uh, when I got my curriculum together, that's when I started talking globally about this, but The core piece that I started with was the Childhood Trauma Checklist. Now there are the top 10, just to keep a checklist easy, and they covered the majority of all these people I worked with. These kept showing up, but there are more than 10. And I did discover childhood trauma goes through at least 3 generations. So if you recognize you have these top 10 traumas, some of them, then so did your parents and so did your grandparents. And how they impact us is on a level of 1 to 10. 9 and 10 is severe. 1 through 4 to 5, okay, they happened, they did, you know, cause me upset at the time. And then most of us think, well, they don't mean anything to us now. But subconsciously, most of them do. Okay, so that's what my job is, to find out what the traumas are you, you know, did go through. What is their level of intensity? Then my job is to heal that and to teach you then to create that life you desire without fear or doubt holding you back or negativity. So that's mindset work. And then if you're single, going on to find the love that you deserve and attracting an emotionally healthy partner. Or if you're coming to me, stopping the toxic fighting patterns, learning new empowered communication feeling each other feel safe, and then moving on to creating a relationship that's better than what you ever had. So that's my job. That's the journey. So starting out with the top 10 traumas, let's go into what those are. If you're at home, you can write them down, write them down. If you can't, you can find them on my website for free later. Um, okay, so here we go. The first one is— now let me also explain, this is childhood experiences, so not only in the home, right? It could be at the home, working with a coach, in school, at a community center. These could have happened anywhere in your childhood, from in utero, you know, while you're being in your mom's, you know, she's pregnant with you, all the way through like age 22, 23. So those, that's the span of life we're looking at. Okay, so the first one is any drug or alcohol issues in mom or dad. Okay, any addictions. So the addictions, there's 12 of them because I'm also an addictions counselor, you know, I have to look at any of these Addictions. So drugs, alcohol, sex— meaning you knew your parent was a cheater, but this was a big secret in the family— porn use, gambling, hoarding, spending, eating, gaming, TV watching, workaholism, social media addiction. So there's the top 12. I'm sure there's more. Number 2 is verbal messaging. What did you hear when you were growing up? Did you hear the words 'I love you' and 'I'm proud of you,' or did you hear verbal put-downs most of the time? 'That's not good enough. Uh, change your clothes, you look fat in that. These are what we call verbal put-downs. That's one of this category. The other part is how did your parents, um, work through an issue? Was there a lot of yelling and screaming in the house when they were mad at you? Did they yell and scream at you? This is really important how you communicate as a partner, as an adult. Okay, we'll get into why in a little bit. Number 3 is emotional abuse or neglect. Number 4 is any physical abuse, hitting of any kind, um, and then rape or molestation. That's number 4. Number 5 is around abandonment, and there's 2 types I named: fault and no fault. So a no-fault abandonment is if a parent happened to die early, if they were deployed for war and they had to leave the family, or their work actually kept them out of the house a lot, like the father that works 7 days a week. Or like my dad, who was FBI, CIA, he was gone. We didn't know where he was because we didn't know what his work was. Hmm. And I remember asking, where's Dad? When's Daddy coming home? And my mom in disgust would say, well, I don't know where he is. And I just thought that was pretty weird. The wife didn't know where her husband was. Yeah, that was our norm, you know, growing up, that Dad wasn't around much. So this is no fault because that's how he supported the family. He thought he was doing a good thing, right? Okay, so false abandonment is never knowing your child, knowing your child and being involved while the couple's together, they break up and then you barely see one of the part— the parents. And it also could be the parent is inside the home but very absent, not emotionally connected. And I remember in my practice in New Jersey, I saw a lot of young kids and they're like, "I don't want to go to my dad's. He just watches football all weekend." I'm in my room on my computer, bored to death. You know, they don't want to be there. They don't feel connected. They're mad at that parent because they do nothing to, you know, bond with them. So that is a fault abandonment. Okay. All right. The next one is if you were ever part of foster care, and I had a lot of foster care children in the hospital system, if they were ever adopted or had to go live in another parent's home. So grandparent, aunt, family friend, but the core parent couldn't keep them. Okay, very traumatic when you're part of the foster care system. Number 7, most people can identify with this personal trauma. So did you ever feel different growing up? Were you a chubby child and teased for that, or ADHD and had to go to special classes in schools? Were you skinny and gawky and smart and called the nerd? Were you the only African American in all Caucasian school? Did you come out as a teen, gay or lesbian, and your peers or family rejected you? This is all around personal trauma of not feeling good enough. Were you bullied? You know, I remember being bullied in middle school. It was very traumatic for me. So, you know, when I was doing this research, it's like, yes, I was bullied, put that one down. But the one about my father didn't even come to me like 2 weeks later. I'm like, yeah, you know, although we thought that was normal, it's really not, you know. So sometimes you have to dig a little further to realize you did go through these types of traumas. Okay, trauma number 8 is around the fa— siblings. So how did you get along with your siblings when you were young? Were you bullied by one, teased by them? Was one born with medical issues that commanded more of mom's and dad's time? You know, not the child's fault, certainly, and not your fault, but that's the reality that happened. Or were they known as the golden child, the favored one? So this is usually the star athlete, the more handsome or beautiful, charming child, or the smarter one who got all the accolades at school and you felt you couldn't measure up. So there's more, of course, to all these dynamics. These were just a few examples. Okay, trauma number 9 actually has 2 parts. And trauma 11, when I made this list, actually had to come down as one of our top traumas today. And that is community trauma. So COVID is an example of community trauma. It impacts the community at large. Also so does our mother— Nature events, floods, fires, hurricanes, tornadoes wiping out large communities. And of course, those instances impact the family. That's the other part of Trauma 9 is family trauma. But also under that falls, was a parent ever incarcerated? Did you grow up in a dangerous neighborhood? Were you a military child and had to move every 2 to 4 years like we do in the US? And then that puts the child as the new kid all the time in schools. Did your family struggle financially? You felt you were poor and couldn't afford what all the other kids were wearing in school. Therefore, you felt different or you felt worried. You know, you'd hear, "We don't— can't put food on the table this week." That's a real worry when a child hears that. Okay, so that's Trauma 9. And then Trauma 10 is mental health issues in mom or dad. Now, I am part of the baby boomer generation, or we didn't see our parents usually going to counseling. So we have to kind of guess. So a parent, of course, with anxiety or depression, but the two most difficult is bipolar and borderline personality. So borderline simply is when they're good, they're great. When they're bad, they're horrid. And you never know which mood you're going to get. So as a child, that keeps them very anxious and walking on eggshells. They would also explode with anger over something that nobody else would really get anger— angry about. So this is a very hard person to be married to and a hard parent to have. And then the other one is bipolar, which is manic-depressive. So people think manic, that high and happy stage. Well, it could be, it could be somebody going out and buying a couple $3,000 purses and loving it for the month and showing it off and all high and happy about it. Then the bill comes and they're depressed for 3 months because they can't afford it, right? So it is a cycle of happy and then severe depression after that. So for children that have to deal with this in their parents, that's very difficult for them. So those are the top. But there's—

I mean, I can't believe you were able to just rattle all that off.

And that's a lot, girl.

I'm already— you know, I'm impressed. And I mean, I feel like you described everyone. Is there anyone that says that they don't fit into those? I would be shocked.

I'm saying most people say they have 4 to 6. You know, some people did suffer from more. So as I'm doing this with people, then I said, okay, you remember being hit. How many times was that? You know, if I have someone says, oh my gosh, my dad was an alcoholic. Every day when I opened the door, I didn't know if I was going to be beat that day. That's a, you know, or I remember I stole gum and my dad hit me for the first time, but it never happened again. That's a 1 or a 2. You know, that child may have been afraid for a long time, you know, to do anything wrong. Depends on the severity, right? So these are the things I have to find out. And the abandonment, well, how severe was that? You know, uh, for me, my dad was gone a lot, but when he was home, he's very loving. And, and I love my dad. We were very close. I'm very much like my father. He's a helper, you know. And he was a colonel in the Air Force and a hero in many ways, a star athlete. Um, so, you know, those parts I loved about him, but the other parts did infect me as the type of male I was choosing, which is very interesting.

Okay, so let's—

isn't around much.

Yes, let's talk about that. Yeah, so, so, so we identify their, their trauma, and then tell us how you're seeing it show up later in their relationships.

So in relationships, this comes out in many ways. There's like 24 combinations. Again, Everything is just a few examples. So have a partner that's jealous or controlling, that means they grew up feeling not good enough. It could have been a man who had crushes on high school girls that told him, oh, you're a nerd, you're ugly, I don't want to be with you. But he did well in school, he was smart. So let's say he grew up to be a doctor. Now he's— he has a great income, a beautiful home, car, boat, you know, he has all the things. Now he can have whoever he wants, right? So, but he could be jealous and controlling of the, the young girl he gets because he's still not feeling good enough to romance her. So it's very interesting that they will choose someone that might idolize them, the younger woman, you know, have all the toys because that was super important. Um, so you have to be careful of that. Uh, impulsivity comes— let's say you grow up in a neighborhood, you were poor, And I had a couple— this is a true story— that, you know, she goes, I can't believe he bought this red Vette. You know, we didn't have the money for that. And he saw it, it was just like an impulse buy, because, but I want it, and I work hard, and I deserve it. So that's that narcissist— I want what I want, and now I work hard, and I don't care about you want. I don't care if we're gonna suffer later because we can't pay the bill. So impulse is also the cheater. You know, they don't have that ability to say no, you know, this is not what I want and this is going to ruin my relationship. So high impulse is the one that gets couples in trouble the most. Then we have people pleasing, which is big for a lot of women. So they came from a difficult mom or dad, and the way that they could get love is if they people please them to death to get some compliments or at least not get yelled at or punished. This would be example: mom's alcoholic, The older sister, the oldest sibling female, raised the children, getting them ready for school, making them lunches, getting them out to the school bus because mom was angry and hungover. So that's how she got love. If she heard, "Thanks, hon," and no yelling that morning, that was love for her. That was enough. At least she didn't, you know. So the people pleasing. I had a couple come in. The woman says, "I do everything for my husband and kids." everything, and they never do anything nice for me. And the husband said, well, I didn't ask you to do all those things, right? You know, and it's suffocating me, you know. So she keeps pushing that agenda of let me do, do, do to get love from you, and really it's just like so annoying. Um, so her boundaries were so lax because that's how she got love, right? So these are all things I have to rework. If you had abandonment issues, you may be too clingy of a partner or codependent. You might get very anxious when they're out of town. So that comes around abandonment issues, fault or no fault. And then early addiction, you know, doing drugs or alcohol to escape the, you know, the trauma family, you know, escapism. That usually adds to addiction issues later in life. I see a lot of men with perfectionism or OCD. Things have to be lined up a certain way. Um, that comes from trying to be the perfect child. And if things are chaotic, like a very chaotic home, sloppy home, um, a lot of yelling and throwing things, this is like when they just want order to feel safe and balanced in their body. Um, when we're getting to 9 to 10 traumas With 9 to 10 severity levels, this is where the narcissist and sociopath can come in, the psychopath. Very dangerous and damaging childhoods, you know, to them. Of course, nobody is born this way. It's all the family environment. And these, like the narcissist, they blame everybody else. No, it's your fault. They can never say I'm sorry. So if someone can't apologize, this is like a high warning sign of like, whoa, You know, why are they doing this? Why can't they see their fault in what they've done? You know, it's everybody else's fault. So that's what we call blaming behavior. And then, oh my gosh, conversation, the narcissist and sociopath.

I know there's so many. As you talk, I just keep thinking of more questions. So, okay, so you said it's generational, which makes total sense, and it's passed down among generations. So here we are. We're parents and you help us identify what our trauma is, how do we then break the generation for our kids? What do we do to give our kids a better childhood?

Well, when I have somebody in coaching, um, first I heal that individual, and then if they're in a relationship, it's two people I have to heal from their traumas and the relationship. So I— oh gosh, Yeah, 3 entities for a couple. For a single, we heal them and then the children. So it's like, how— I always ask, how are your children doing? Are they suffering from this abuse, abusive father that's yelling and screaming, and now you're going through this toxic divorce and they're in the middle of it? Yes, they usually are suffering from that. So then I do ask to see the children as well because I've worked with age 5 and up. So, you know, it's easy for me to connect with children and work with them and empower them and get them to about their feelings. And then I teach the mom or dad, because I have single women and men that sign up, how to work with their children who are angry. Because kids show their behavior in two ways: internalizing or externalizing. The externalizer is the yeller, screamer, runaway, drug, alcohol, getting into gangs. That's the externalizer. Um, and this is often the one, and I had a woman actually do this. She dropped off her teen. She goes, okay, fix my child. And I said, he's going to wait in the waiting room. I need to talk to you because I need to find out what is he going through that he's so angry about, because kids are not born angry, right? And she had a tyrant ex-husband, and, you know, well, divorcing, and this was The kid was stuck in the middle, so he's angry. So the internalizer is the one that stays in the room. That's the gamer, has few friends, is cutting, you know, self-mutilation, suicide ideation. That's the internalizer. Because they learned, if I share my feelings, I'm going to be hit again. So this is— that child will grow up to be either passive-aggressive If there's an adult discussion, they'll shut down. They don't want to talk about it. They may not talk to you for days. And in that way, they're punishing you. Okay, because that's their anger, being passive-aggressive. Or if you yell— grew up in a household where there's a lot of yelling, then, you know, they are tending to yell back because that's how they handle problems. And they think that's normal. It is not normal, nor is it healthy. So if you're a yeller, we got to clean that up. Because nobody's going to want to be in partnership with a yelling person, right? Uh, so these are all the patterns that don't serve us that became normalized for us. So I have to see all those norms and break all those subconscious patterns that just— that's what we go to, that's what we do, and our partners should deal with it. Well, they're not going to. That's— no, 50% divorce rate. So couples especially is one of their first classes that they get. And to me, coaching is educational. There's a lot to learn.

It's—

I call it like a rainbow of learning. You start at, I don't know what I don't know, and I don't know how to fix it. And I get that feeling because that's where I was. So all this education is what they have to learn. So with coaching, it's a team effort. They tell me by the worksheets in their notebook what's going on. I read it. I know what to teach them back. And then they practice what they're learning. So it's this big learning curve. And then at the end, there is the pot of gold where they've learned everything, they practice it, and their mindset is totally different. They look back and they're like, oh my God, I can't even believe I was this person. And they never go back there. So they take these skills and move forward and use them the rest of their life, which is amazing. So when it comes to the children, they are learning these skills to work with their children. They are learning to talk to them differently. They are learning to have— be able to share in their children's pain. I recently had a father going through a preteen boy angry at his dad because his dad was an angry person. So guess what? The boy is an angry child and the father cursed, so the son's cursing, and now he's cursing at the father. We had to break all that. And now the father never curses. The boy doesn't want to curse, and they are really close now. You know, they have a really beautiful father-son relationship. And the other thing is when you learn mindset for success, and I have a whole parenting chapter in the Live Beyond Your Dreams book, which is from fear and doubt to personal power, purpose, and success. So as a parent reads that book, there is a chapter for parents and there's a chapter for teens to read. I actually was writing that book when I was in the elementary school. And it's written in simple language, like I'm talking to you right now. Very easy to understand, very clear, very precise. Lists mostly, so you can get that knowledge and start using it. But I wanted my teenagers in the school, the preteens, to be able to read the book, and they did. They loved it. So the parenting chapter, you know, gives you all the skills that you can do for what we call positive parenting approaches. And there's a lot of tips in there. Very important that You watch the verbal messaging that you're telling your kids. You know, if you say, "No, I'm not sending you to college. Why would I waste my money? You know, you're not gonna excel." You know what I mean? It's like these messages. Here's an example of a positive way. My daughter, Alexi, was 5 at the time. I have 2 girls I raised mostly as a single mom. And she was watching Save the Children. Commercial came on TV. She goes, Mom, I want to go to Africa one day and save those kids. And I'm like, hon, that is an amazing goal. That's a beautiful dream. Never lose track of that. That would be so amazing. It would make you feel so good to help these little children, you know, that they need the help. So at 15, she wanted to be a singer. This is a time of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera out with their It's because my daughter's in her 40s now. She's 40. So she was, "Mom, I want to be a singer." I said, "Well, let's make that happen." Now, at that time, I happened to be a model and talent agency owner. I had a school and an agency. I said, "But I've never represented a singer, so you and I are going to have to learn what to do, and we'll do this together." And we did. And the world aligns. We're both very spiritual too. And I happened to meet a top artist in a Miami nightclub and gave her card and I said she is up for— with two other producers right now. He goes, um, send me the demo kit, I'm going to take a look at that. We had a great demo kit put together. Calls on Tuesday, the limo's there Friday, out to the Teen Choice Awards in London. She became an artist, right? So this is what we call mindset for success. Mm-hmm. Mindset she can do whatever she feels she wants. Well, her singing career took her on world tour through Africa. She's sitting in the tour bus, sees the little children. Now's the time. I want to help save these kids. So she starts a charity at home called EPIC, Everyday People Initiating Change, with her best friend, Tennille. And they have now put in 31 working water wells around Africa since her 20s. So this is what we call mindset for success. You can be successful in any way that you choose if you learn these skills early. So the Live book tells you how to teach your kids mindset work. So it's for parents, but it's also for kids to read it if they read it early. And I even said to Alexia as I was writing this, I said, "Hon, write a chapter in the back that mindset works for young people too." Now you'll be a published author. So one day when you write your book, You already can say, I have a book on Amazon or in Barnes Noble bookstores. We're in the bookstores. So lo and behold, she got a contract from Simon Schuster. Now she's a bestselling author, right?

Oh my gosh.

You know, whatever you decide to do in your mind, you can do it with this holistic approach. And this is why the slogan is create the life you desire. And when you do, you then have the love you deserve. And both of my girls married really amazing men. They're married. I have 6 grandkids. And Alexi and her husband have a 5-acre huge home, and he is one of the top world coaches, and so is she, in personal transformation. And Stefana is leading the charge in Florida for the Florida Freedom to Read project to stand up for our American rights to read what we choose. And she's addressed Congress and senators. And you have to have a lot of confidence to do these kinds of things. Been on CNN and, you know, for her mission. So this is what you can do with your children as parents. And again, I was a single mom with a difficult ex-husband who stole $200,000 from my mother. I didn't have an easy breezy life. And because of that, to pay her back, I had to work 5 jobs. Um, most of my adult life to pay her $200,000. Back then when I was 24, that's like half a million dollars, right? So I had all these jobs and it kept going to my mom, my income. And then, you know, when I was finally older in my 50s, I could start saving for me. And I'm like, now I need to prepare for my retirement. And I have 2 rental homes and doing quite well, but the mindset is what you need so you're not a victim of your circumstance. I could have, back at 24, been depressed and sad, and it's like, no, what can I do to get myself out of this and give my girls and I a good life? Um, by 26, with his— my ex's— job failures, we had a $750,000 bankruptcy. So I had that. Then I opened up my model and talent school and agency with my first month's rent. Because I couldn't get a business loan. We had a bankruptcy. Mm-hmm. Year and a half, first home. So, you know, it doesn't matter what comes your way in our Earth school, which is a term from Buddhism. We are meant to be challenged, but it's what you do with that challenge. Do you get depressed and feel sorry for yourself and not climb out of that hole? Well, that's where a lot of people stay, they stay stuck. And the research shows 8 out of 10 people have 8 out of 10 negative thoughts and stay. And the other 2% are the conscious, aware people that say, okay, shit's going to happen. What do we do with it? You know, how do we turn it around? And a good example of that is during COVID you know, when they said to Americans, you got to stay in for 30 days. Most people were spiraling and, oh my God, I can't work. My kids are going to be home. They're all upset. They're all angry. My first thought is, oh my gosh, I have 4 weekends. I don't have to go out. What am I going to do? And I wrote 2 books, you know, Anxiety Free Living and Loving and Happiness Beyond Your Dreams. So I wrote 2 books at that time. So, you know, what can you do is a big question when we're being challenged. And so all my coaching clients, these are some of the skills that they're learning. So that as they move forward in life, they are very confident and empowered and yet calm and peaceful in their life.

I mean, I'm listening to you and I really work on my thoughts, so I'm connecting with everything you're saying. However, I'm thinking about people I love dearly who need you and and I see them stuck and, and I see them having the fear and the doubt and the doom and gloom. And I feel like, you know, I'm going to be honest with you, I'm not their therapist, but I haven't helped them shift. How do you begin to get someone to shift to a more positive mindset?

Yeah, it's all from the research. This became a trademark system. I would like to train future coaches in this because I'm a lone soldier out here doing this. But it's the curriculum— between the curriculum and again, us working as a team and really understanding the psychology of the person and how to do transformation. There's many, many things I teach that they practice on each week. So, you know, they see me once a week for an hour. We read, you know, we go into what they're struggling with and say, okay, because of that, I want you to do this, this, and this, and then I came, or come back with this. So now from what they practice, even in lesson 1 or lesson 2, they are practicing for 4 to 6 months. We are breaking all the subconscious norms that don't serve them anymore, you know, whether it's yelling at their kids. Nope, we're not going to do that anymore. Your kid is angry. We have to change that. So how do we start with that? By giving them the confidence and the strength enough to actually apologize to their child and become real with their child. Because children want to be loved by mom and dad, you know, they don't know what they're doing wrong. Now it doesn't— they don't turn overnight because they don't trust that yet. A mom just had one good day, you know, is this gonna stick, right? Kids are questioning. So it's consistency over time equals trust. That's one of the equations. I give people memory tools. So I said, picture it like a math equation. Trust equals consistency over time. So the more you are consistent with your changes and your language and your behavior and your mood management, now slowly that child can trust you again and you can start rebuilding that parent-child relationship. Right. So there's a lot. If they are a parent, I usually need more time. Like people say, well, how long do I work with you? It really depends what are you going through. If you're a single, there's not a lot of exterior baggage going on, no kids to worry about. We can usually have some great success in 4 months. But if you're going through a divorce and that partner is toxic and, you know, still in and out of your life because of the kids, well, we have to work with that. I have to work with the children. If you're someone that wants more career success, I teach that too, because I've had easily 15 coaches to grow my business to international, to the status of where it was, and I needed to know how to do that. So if you want a podcast, I have a great podcast coach. I can teach you what to do. If you want to be a best-selling author, I'm that too. If you want to get media coverage in magazines, I can teach you that, you know. So whatever you want. There is a, you know, business coach element. So someone who wants the healing, and then let's say they want to be a coach, and I want to understand how to help people when they're stuck. Rihanna, I don't get what to do. Well, because I've gone through that journey themselves, now they can understand how to use this, and at the same time I can help them grow their business. So that would be someone who's with me 6 6 months because I need that time, right?

Yes, yes.

If they want to work with me for a year, that's available too. Let's say they look at my business consulting page on my website, it's like, yeah, I want to write a book, I want a podcast, I want to do this, this, and this. Then that's going to take me more time. So that's why everything is custom depending on that individual, what kind of healing we need to do. Certainly if there's somebody who went through 8 to 10 traumas versus someone that's 4 to 6, they're probably going to need a 6-month program. Here's a great example of someone, and she's of course— the people that write me testimonials, they allow me to share their story. And Olya came from Russia at the age of 18. Lovely young woman. And, you know, just thought, if I marry, then I'll have love. And She ended up marrying a very abusive partner and they had a child. Then this child who's 5, a boy, starts abusing her too. And she was out at the convention and, you know, she got triggered by something out there and was listening to my podcast at night. Says, I have to call her. So we were in the middle of Hurricane Irma here in Florida. I'm running around batting down my windows and I'm in a ponytail and a t-shirt. I said, look, I'm going to call you, but I'm not my normal dressed, just like, I want to make sure you're okay. So she ended up working with me for a 6-month period of time as a Diamond client, and we had to give her the empowerment to divorce, to have to turn her child around. And she wanted to be a coach, and she was just selling oils, and she couldn't really get out of that small business mentality, you know, because the husband mostly supported her and she needed to be able to support herself. So I helped build her whole business for her for the 6 months we were going through the trauma recovery, getting her out safely, getting her through the divorce, getting the parent— now they co-parent really well. The son is doing great. She ends up meeting someone wonderful, remarried, big home on the ocean. She has an ideal life. They had a little girl together. So her whole life changed in a really positive and beautiful way. And that's why I say once you learn this, you never go backwards. Like, it's like, oh my God, I love my life now. And the other bonus is it's completely tax deductible because I'm a mental health counselor as well as a coach. So you can write all this off in America and many countries too.

So you're finding that in 4 to 6 months they show up, they're ready to do the work, they practice like on a daily basis and they can change their mindset.

Oh, yes. Yeah, that happens pretty quickly. I also work with the body very quickly. I find out if there's depression and anxiety. I'm very much into holistic medicine. So vitamins, there's a lot of all-natural vitamins that take care of anxiety and depression. If we find they're working, then we wean them off the psychotropic drugs. And they don't feel any kind of crash that way, um, and they don't need them anymore. And we do meditation because meditation is proven in science and quantum physics to lessen anxiety, depression, your cortisol, which is your fight, flight, or freeze response, blood pressure, and then increases focus and dopamine and serotonin, which are your high and happy chemicals, your energy Michael's. So our clients meditate every day. I have a specific meditation I coach called Divine Spiritual Meditation. There is a spiritual component to this type of healing, very important. It's not religion because there's a lot of guilt of our— a negativity around religion for a lot of people. But this is spirituality, which is who you are as a person 24/7. So spirituality gives you the faith to believe, I can do what I dream to do. And that's why I use Alexia as a great experience, you know, example, because, Mom, I want to be a singer. She sang on 3 multi-platinum CDs. Mom, I think I'll be a TV host now. She hosted for MTV, E! Entertainment News, and several shows on HGTV. Mom, I'm going to be a coach. She's one of the top 1% coaches in the world. So whatever she wants to be, she has become. Why? She's been doing mindset since a young child. So the younger you can get your children into mindset work, the better off they will be in success and life and love.

I mean, it's a perfect— I hate to end because I just love you and everything you to say, but that's a perfect place to ask you. So tell everyone, there are so many ways to find you. Your books— tell them your books, your podcast, your website. Tell them all of it, all the stuff.

Okay, best place to start and the easiest to remember is my website, is my name, rhiannamilne.com. And on the homepage, there's the free ebook, How to Have the Love You Deserve. Make sure you download that There's 4 free love tests. One is a childhood trauma checklist that I went over. That's where you can get that for free. If you're in a troubled or toxic relationship, do the red flag checklist based on your partner. Look at how many red flags you have. And if they won't go for coaching, you reach out to me, you get started. Because there is a way that when you start growing and changing and becoming more confident, 2 things will happen. One, they're going to like get worried they're going to lose you, and they will because now you're confident to move on. And two, they are asked to join in. It's like, I like what I'm saying, I want that too, I do need this, you know, because the books are going to be there, The Love Beyond Your Dreams. I have many of those toxic partners pick it up and then they identify themselves in that first part, the 19 personality types that can break your heart. Right? So that's really clear and evident that they're in there. So Live and Love Beyond Your Dreams are sister books. You can get the first free 60 pages on my website, so help yourself to that. The order button's right there if you want to order it. Um, lots of blog articles. I have a little mini store. You can buy things that are self-directed, but if you'd like to work with me, this first step is signing up for a Life and Love Transformation Discovery Session. It's a big orange button on the homepage. It's on a super special right now. Just sign up for that. I meet with you in private for 2 hours going over your childhood traumas, what you're going through now. And then from that, I can recommend a coaching program that would be a perfect fit for you because again, they're all tailored to what you want, need, and desire for your life. And we then make that happen as a team.

I mean, You— I am sure that you know this, but you are a fantastic, amazing, brilliant, talented lady. And I honestly feel honored to have gotten to talk to you today.

Thank you so much. That's really sweet. I mean, I'm really honored to do what I do. I love this research. When I learned it, I'm like, oh my God, this is the answer to mental health. Yes, this is the answer. Not these drugs that people want to put you on. That is not the answer. This is the answer. And it's, it's really amazing. And when you feel great about yourself, if you're a single person, you know, then you can go out and meet that emotionally healthy person. You know, I'm engaged to a wonderful guy, Chris, and, you know, we have this great circle of like 50 friends and we have this life we desire. We travel, we, we work hard, we play hard, you know. So, you know, you can create that, you know. Don't stay stuck if you're unhappy. Because life is too short, you know, to do that. And I'd be glad to help you. And my, my podcast, um, the best place to go is YouTube under Rhiannon Milne. I have 126 Lessons in Life and Love shows, but I have like over 350 audios and videos on my YouTube page. So just kind of type in the topic you're looking for, browse through all the videos, and you'll find a lot of good information there too.

Well, I have a lot of homework to do because I want to soak up all of your stuff. So I'm going to go do that. Good.

Thanks.

And thank you so much. This is Rebecca Greene, and I want to remind everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. And I want to encourage you all to go get all of her resources because this lady knows what she's doing.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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