Episode 502: From Overwhelmed to Aligned

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza!

Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene. Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family. Hello everyone. This is Rebecca Greene for the Whiny Floozy Podcast, and I have been excited the entire day because I get to talk to one of my favorite ladies on the planet. Christina Fletcher. Christina, thank you so much for doing this with me today.

It is my absolute pleasure. I will actually say that this was my call out where you were like, anyone, you know, who should have my podcast? I would— me, me, I want to come back because I get to talk to Rebecca Greene.

I had Christina on before. She can come back as many times as she wants.

I got you.

But I'm gonna tell you, the podcast brings me like amazing people like you. Like, I get to meet people like you. It's like the best job in the world. And tell everyone where you are right now.

I'm actually in the UK.

So see, we're nowhere near each other. I'm nowhere near—

it is 6 PM at night here.

Oh, and I'm writing— here I am typing, good morning, Christina, and I'm like, I bet you it's not morning. You should look up what time it is.

It's fine. You know, I work with people all over the world, so I've actually just gotten to a simple hi. I don't want to say good morning anymore. It's like, hello. I have no idea what I'm working with here, but that's fine. Oh my gosh.

So let me tell you about this fabulous lady. She is a spiritual alignment coach, energy healer, and stepping into presence guide who who supports parents and busy seekers in regulating their nervous system, embracing self-care, and weaving practical spirituality into everyday life. So now everybody knows why you're so amazing.

You— I— I— you strike me speechless.

It makes me so happy. But I mean, let's talk about this. You took nervous system regulation, parenting, and spirituality, and kind of have put— how did you get inspired to put all that together? Tell us where that came from.

Trial and error. Trial and error. Uh, I think sometimes, uh, our intuition actually leads us in certain things, and then I know for me, I find the terminology later. And so it's kind of— that's the way when I say trial and error, that's how this started. So, you know, I was a busy mom. I, I— and for the first few years, I was actually an unhappy mom. I was not like— I, I was really— I had gone from feeling really aligned with myself and meeting— like, connected with my husband and connected to kind of the flow of life and really into the magic of how things could just line up and listening to my intuition and all of that. And then I was an unhappy mom in the sense that suddenly it was like someone gave me a costume of how I was supposed to be. I was really miserable. I was just like, I felt like I always had to be like fixing things, or I felt like I was just always throwing myself away. So, and I was always irritated.

Yeah.

And so suddenly it turned into this thing of what's going on with me? And do I actually want to spend the next 18 years of my children's life like this, this version where really they're not going to know me at the end of it? Because then— and I imagined them kind of leaving home, kind of not having a great relationship with me, and then actually me going, okay, now where do I pick up back onto myself? And I was like, this feels so weird. I want them to know me as me.

Yeah.

So, so I immediately went to spirituality cuz that was where my background was. Mm-hmm. And so it was a question of, you know, bringing in the meditation, like tiny, tiny meditations cuz who had time with like 4-year, 5-year-olds? So it was like, okay, how do I actually meditate and call in spiritual connection without long period of time? And so it was that kind of exploration. And then over the years, suddenly everyone started talking nervous system regulation and I was like, no, but this is what this feels like. I'm going from feeling triggered, feeling in survival mode, feeling in that fight or flight reaction. Yes.

Yes.

To actually finding the regulated space of connecting. So it was like, it was like breadcrumbs along the way. And to me, that's really exciting. I mean, even the other day I was reading a book called Soothe, which I can't remember who it's by right now, but it's about nervous system regulation. And I was reading it and she was like, you know, a great way of regulating your nervous system is to focus on your feet. And I was like, oh, you know what? That is an energetic tool that I practice and I've been passing on to people for years. I hadn't, I had said this regulates your nervous system, but the proof of it scientifically was suddenly there. And I was like, ooh, that's so exciting when that happens to me. Like, it's like little things coming in.

Yes.

And me listening to it and then it, gets validated elsewhere. So that's kind of how that— I don't want to answer your question.

I think you totally answered my question. It all goes together. It's all developed over the years.

Yep.

And I want you to know, I had talked to you, um, I actually did a session. Have I done more than one session with you? I'm trying to think how many sessions I've done. It was amazing. I told you it was amazing. I need to do another one.

Covered so much in one session. I just remember it could have felt like— it felt like 3 sessions in one at that because we're like throwing everything at it.

And I shouldn't have— and And I caution against that. I don't think I should have thrown all of that at the two of us in one session, but it was kind of exhilarating. It was, um, an amazing— we covered so many topics.

It was helpful.

And I had talked to you either later that day or the next day, and you were like, you have to picture your feet on the ground, you're sounding like uncentered or something. And it made a huge difference. When, when do I ever think about my feet on the ground? I know, little things that we can do.

Yeah, little things. And that's where, I mean, as moms, that's what we need. And quite frankly, even, even if you're not a mom, you still— it's still what you need. We're living in such a fast world and everything is thrust upon our brains to consume, you know. So we're continually consuming everything in our minds and trying to make sense of things. Now, quite frankly, the world doesn't make sense most of the time, so therefore we're, we're really going to struggle finding results with that.

Fabulous.

True. It's like, but our brains keep on trying, darn it. It will try to figure this out.

True.

By dropping your attention to other rhythms, you know, breaking the pattern. Our brains function in patterns. It functions in habitual spaces of being, and it's just used to running, and it's it burns out. That's why we all of a sudden start doomscrolling, because we're literally like, I can't take any more. It's just this constant intake, which ironically doomscrolling is still constant intake. But, you know, when you actually get back into your body, when you actually focus on your feet and you anchor into the ground, or especially if you can get outside, but who's doing that this time of year? But if you can anchor on the ground, like just imagine energy getting out of your soles of your feet and into the earth, you shift everything in your system. You regulate, you calm down, you feel more present. You're, um, you've actually got a stronger boundary or barrier between you and anything else kind of coming in. You know, we talk about boundaries all the time. You feel more whole in yourself. You're present.

Present. Yep, one of the words I need to work on. I have to bring myself back to the present throughout the day. I have to be like, no, no, no, that's a worry for like years later. Why are you going there?

Tomorrow's problem. Scarlett O'Hara. It's okay, I'll think about it tomorrow.

Tomorrow's problems. I'm gonna remember that line. So you said so many things that are relevant. The Parents who are going to listen to this are going to say, I am so busy, my life is chaotic. Can we talk about fitting in things throughout their busy day that's going to help them?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's really funny because I think we do tell the story that time is the challenge, but when we're talking about focusing on your feet or taking a few deep breaths, This is something that you can do in the grocery store. Like, this is like in the car, in the car when you're waiting for the school run, when you're at a red light. Um, this doesn't have to be, you know, like it's more about training your brain to actually do something different. You know how often, let's take traffic, right? Like you're, you're, you're in traffic, you're stuck. You're literally not moving. What do we usually do? We worry about being late. We think about, well, stupid traffic, and we start getting irritated or upset. We're looking at the other people. We're talking about what other people are driving wrong, or it's like we have certain rhythms and certain stories that we just naturally fall into. And so it's a question of actually, instead of thinking I don't have time to become mindful of myself, or actually call in myself or connect to myself. Rather, it's a question of actually reinventing the story of saying, I will, I'll see the time, you know, create the time. You can be sitting in that traffic and you could be like, oh look, bird. Yes, we could do that. Creepy bird, creepy tree, like immediately shift, right? It can be like, oh, I'm actually going to take a minute with my heart. You're okay. I'm actually just going to take a few deep breaths. Thank you so much for this traffic to give me a space to breathe.

That's amazing.

Everything changes. And what it is— what's exciting is you do get a natural reward system going. You start taking that breath in your traffic and appreciating your traffic for the moment to breathe. And suddenly the next thing you know, traffic is clearing and everything's moving okay. And you just kind of feel a little bit more a part of something rather than always pushing through something else.

Yes, I like that a lot. So we're using the words nervous system regulation. Okay. Everybody doesn't know what that even is. Can you tell us, like, someone's listening, they're like, what is that? And what does it look like? Yep.

I have this image in my head right now because literally, um, Someone over Halloween, someone made a post and they're like, you know, if everyone decided that skeletons were really scary, but if I saw a nervous system coming towards me, I would really freak out because I don't know if you've ever seen the actual nervous system.

Kinda scary looking. Kinda scary.

It's kinda— I burst out laughing. A client of mine said this over, said, I knew you would appreciate this. I was like, you know what?

Good.

This is the best Halloween post I've seen ever.

I feel like I'm gonna use that next year.

I know. We should just have like, like that should be a side business, right? Of us making scary nervous systems.

I think we would sell out.

Like, what is that thing? Yeah, that's you. So I mean, the thing to remember is that it's the— and again, this is so unscientific of me, it's going to be quite hilarious, really. Anyone who's in science hearing me talk about nervous system clinically is going to just probably roll their eyes. But all we really need to know first and foremost is that our brains are really, really programmed for survival.

Yes.

And that's our entire physical self. We are programmed and designed to survive. So what happens in our everyday life is this wonderful nervous system, which is why I say it's so scary looking is it's literally this massive entanglement of kind of vine things that go all the way down through your entire system. It's a communication pathway. So it goes all the way from the top of your head. I think there's nervous systems around your eyes, nerves, it's your entire, all your nerves, right? It's absolutely everywhere through you. Now, What's that sensing is first off what's in our environment and how it needs to survive. So it will be a sense of if it picks up something that's gonna happen, it's like that feeling when you, you hear a loud bang and you immediately jump, right? That's your nervous system reacting to that solid system that is there to remind you to stay safe. So you hear a big bang, you immediately jump. You go to look for what's wrong. You realize that the cat just knocked off something, so you're safe. Your nervous system regulates again. You're fine. Okay.

Good explanation.

Thanks. Actually, it's funny. In my mind, nervous system, like a triggered nervous system, the image that always comes to my mind is like the cartoon cat. You know, the cartoon cat that like jumps up and it's like, that's perfect.

Yeah.

That's the image.

Yeah.

So. A triggered nervous system is literally this system of nerves that flow all the way down through you. Your brain registers something as danger, and therefore then your nervous system spikes out. This triggers what we know as fight or flight response, survival mode, fight, flight, freeze as well. There's various ways that we get, we respond to feeling triggered. Okay. Now bring in, I mean, when you consider that, you know, in the dawn of time, our survival mode would've been triggered by things like hearing a bump in the night or the fear of being eaten by a wild animal or something that was really about survival. And then the lights would, you know, the daylight would come, we'd look around us, we're like, oh, we're safe. It was a very triggered, rest, reset, triggered, rest, reset. It was, it was a little bit more balanced. Now we live in a world where we are completely bombarded by things that are way out of our control, things that we can't even imagine. We are bombarded by stories that happen in the world. We are bombarded by things on social media. We are bombarded by things, even things like cancel culture or people be offensive conversations. We are triggered by traffic. There it goes again. It's like we are triggered by the worries that we have for our kids.

Yeah.

So immediately we are in this fight, flight, or, or freeze state, huge majority of the time. And we don't even really know. Yeah.

Yep.

We just get used to it.

Unfortunately, I know it.

So it's, and it's interesting when you actually break down how we actually function from that triggered state. Like, I remember reading about how, you know, when we're triggered, the most fascinating thing that I found, I don't know if other people find this fascinating, but I know I found this fascinating. Immediately you actually lose all peripheral vision. So when you have a triggered nervous system, you actually get tunnel visioned on the problem.

Yeah.

You can't find solutions. So it's fascinating when you actually explore how you respond to a triggered nervous system, you know, whether it, and, and that really blew my mind. Cause I was like, so that's why, you know, when you're really stressed out or worried about someone or something and you're feeling all this energy built up and you're feeling this like spikiness, all of a sudden you go, well, how do I resolve this? And there's no answer. You cannot imagine a happy outcome.

That's true.

Huge warning sign. Triggered nervous system.

That's super helpful. Super helpful.

Isn't that? And it's, it's how often do we enter that?

Yes.

Right?

Yes. Yep.

So the nice thing to know though is that with nervous system regulation, there's a number of ways that you can actually regulate really easily that doesn't take a huge amount of time. And it's perfect. Yes. And it's really based in— and you can actually— I mean, after reading loads of different solutions and everybody talking about this on social media, I've really realized that the key is to figure out what makes you feel safe. That's all it is. We can talk till we're blue in the face of the different ways that you can tell your brain that you're safe. And people do different eye movements and different things like just sweeping your forehead, and that will actually stimulate your nerve, like regulate your nervous system, or breathing deeply for like a full minute will stimulate your vagus nerve, which is just at the top of your nervous system and regulate all of it. But even humming, if you hum, you regulate your nervous system.

Wow. Never knew that.

Because you're not, you're not humming when you're running from the wild animals. You are not. No, nobody's having time to hum.

Nobody. Nobody.

So you just hum. Well, you know, you're putting the dishes away from the dishwasher and you're humming and you're just like regulating at the same time. It's fine. I'm totally safe.

Well, and I like what you're saying out loud though, because what I find talking to so many women is that the messages that they're saying to themselves are not the messages that they're saying to other people. So if they were saying things like, I'm okay, I'm safe, everything's okay, they would feel so much different.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Because we don't say those types of things. We immediately worry about our kids. We worry about what could go wrong. There's a great quote of people— I can't remember who said it now, but it's like, you know, worrying is just using your imagination to expect unhappy outcomes.

It's a great description and such a waste of time.

It's such a waste of time because all you're doing, you know, you worry about something and you can feel it drop into your bones. Like, and you just, all of a sudden you feel your cortisol increase, you feel your nervous system trigger, and you start and go, why? Why did I just do that to myself? Like, why?

Agree.

You know? And so I mean, I think this is something about like starting to, when I say this in muttered tones, but it's funny, I'm getting older. I'm older. Um, I don't know who you're talking about. I mean, well, I noticed that as soon as I started going through perimenopause, immediately I started sensing this differently. And all of a sudden I was like cortisol and stress and triggered nervous system. I, I have instructed my entire family, don't stress me out. Don't, don't stress me out. You do not want to stress me out because I noticed that as soon as, if I got a triggered nervous system, it takes a little longer for me to regulate in some way. If I have an increase in cortisol, like rocking boats over here, you know, like you can feel it. One thing pipes up, all the other hormones go a little bit like this.

So good. So fun.

Oh, it's— well, and it— no, but here's the thing. It actually is when you actually go, yeah, don't just stress me out. Sorry, I'm actually not allowed to worry.

Not allowed.

You do not want me worrying? Deal with that yourself. That's fine. Because—

never said that. I might have to steal that line.

I try it. I swear, the other day I had the funniest experience. This was not funny at the time, I will not lie. This was not funny. Our cat— okay, I'm totally taking tangents. You're hitting me on a 6 o'clock evening, that's fine on a Thursday. Um, our cat decided to bring in a bat. Oh my God, I am not a bat. I have had run-ins Anyway, I was lying in bed reading my book, my nice herbal tea. It's my chill time. I'm taking care of me. And suddenly my husband goes, I'm in bed. I go from like zero to like, God knows, I could feel my whole nervous system go, I, I play total girl. I'm under the blanket.

Yep. Yep.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm like, I'm not allowed to get stressed. I'm not allowed to get stressed. Breathe, breathe deeply, breathe deeply. And so it began this whole thing, because supposedly here in the UK, bats are endangered and you have to protect them. So it was like this whole thing of my husband researching all this stuff, like one step, two other steps, and I was watching myself. I was like, okay, I really don't know if I can talk. Nervous, figured. Not gonna do it. So with a deep breath, focusing on my feet, into my herbal tea, I let them deal with it.

Yeah, sounds like the perfect solution. She's, she's dusting herself off. I love it, I love her. I think the lesson in this is that we do not have to do everything. So hopefully everybody hears that when I say it.

And it's okay. It's so funny because even, even if your children are really, really young, and we don't hear this very often, we, we, we, we talk about it, we maybe think we're doing it, but not necessarily. Even if your children are really, really young, you still have to prioritize your sense of balance.

Yes. Yes.

Yes, because, and if you want a, an excuse for that, because we all need excuses. I know where you're going.

Yes, go there.

As, as moms, we do not prioritize ourselves easily. No. And we go, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll deal with that later. And my self-care goes down the bottom. Our children reflect us. Always.

Yes.

They reflect us. We set the rapport. We set the tone. And I remember witnessing when I first started doing this work more, like I really became aware of this cycle that would happen where my kids would be doing something, I would get stressed, I would respond, then they would all of a sudden get more stressed and more upset, and then I would respond and I would be more stressed. And you were like, a snowball of massive proportion.

Yeah.

Where we would both end up probably in tears and it would just be a mess. And we have to be able to be the anchor in the storm, or what I call the lighthouse in the storm. You have to take care of your light because otherwise they don't know how to do it.

I just wish that I had bought into this when Max was born, because I didn't. I didn't buy into this. And if I would have, things would have been a lot different. I would have been a calmer mom. My goal was always to be a calmer mom. So now I'm finally getting it, and I'm finally getting calmer, and the difference is un— believable.

It is. And I mean, I will say I would love to have known this when I gave birth to my first one and even my second one. Yes, that would have been great. Um, but I'll also add, I'm a firm believer that our kids choose us at the time. I've often told my eldest, thank you so much, I'm sure your younger siblings appreciate the work you did. Yeah, you taught me well.

Yes.

And this was a, this was a co-creation here. And thanks.

I appreciate the reframe because you're making me feel better.

Yeah. Oh yeah. It's a total, like, I mean, my, my eldest will look at her brother who's our youngest and she'll be like, you're welcome.

Max looked at me one day. And I was letting Lily do something and he's like, do you, are you like giving up on parenting her? Like, are you gonna parent her right now? Because he's like, you wouldn't let me do that.

Oh, I know. It's like, welcome to the third child, actually.

I'm like, third child. I had a lot more energy with the first child.

Well, and we had, okay, well, the first child, we come in with ideals. Of what we always said we would do with our kids. We also come in with all the baggage that we're told we should do with our kids.

Yes.

Yes. We are pulled in all directions trying to figure out what we actually want as this kid runs really fast and we don't know. Kids do not come with manuals. They just come with first children. That's what we get for our manual.

Well, and you know, the interesting thing about the manual, and you'll appreciate this, is I— how many parenting things as a social work student focusing on family, how many parenting manuals do you think I actually read? Probably a lot. So when people say your kids didn't come with a manual, I'm like, but I read them, a lot of them, and I should be, you know, I should be like mastering this. But then you're in it and you're exhausted and then you need all of Christina's tools.

Well, it's a lot. But also, I think when we talk about your kid didn't come with a manual or parenting, it's because your actual specific kid.

Yes.

You know, I look at my son and quite frankly, he's a— I mean, he will tell you, I chose you guys because I knew you would let me be myself. And I knew, but I waited for a while until you'd figured things out. Um, and I knew that you would basically leave me alone to my own devices. And I'm like, yeah, that's not the plan. Actually, I tried to parent you. You weren't having it. So, you know, we, we came to some agreement. So there is, you have to know the person your child is.

Yes. Yes. That is true. You have to learn. All different. They're all different. We both have 3. They're all so different.

Oh, thank you. You know, our daughters were 10 months apart from each other.

Oh my gosh, I think you're a little nuts to do that.

Oh yeah, breastfeeding is not birth control. No, it was supposed to be 11 months, but someone decided to come early.

Oh my gosh, not—

no, too totally different people than these two girls. And it was, it was amazing to watch, like, the way they learned, the way they played, the way they desire things. Still totally different. Good friends now, but still totally different. And it was such a lesson to me for watching how individual that, you know, you can put people in the same family and they will think totally different.

Oh, 100%. So as someone who has two daughters, um, my questions are: how old are they? Do they live near each other? And were they good friends growing up?

Okay, so they are— oh, you're gonna ask me this now— 23 and 22.

Okay.

Um, they don't live together, although currently at this time— well, she might have left by now, but one of them is visiting the other one. They, they are best friends now.

Okay.

Now. Um, and that was not true for most of their childhood. And I remember, um, I mean, I can even, even a few years ago, and I mean, this is coming from, you know, focusing on spiritual parenting, focusing on conscious parenting, focusing on all of the good juicy things that are supposed to make life beautiful and wonderful and kind and considerate. And I remember reading a birthday message once online on Instagram, because they always make birthday messages for each other on Instagram now. And it was like, even though we hated each other our entire childhood. And I was like, oh my God, I just walked into their— walked in that— at that time they're both at home. And I was like, what is this? What, what, what?

When did this happen?

And they're like, this is not allowed. I'm like, did I, did I miss something? And they're like, oh yeah, you should have seen the journal entries mom about— I had about her. And oh my goodness, she drove me crazy.

And now they're best friends.

Now they're best friends.

That's—

now they really are. And it's an interesting thing because I often, when I— sometimes I have clients come coming in and they're like, how do I make my kids like each other? And I'm like, you don't. You can't. You can, you can help them be considerate. You can remind them that you do get what you give. So the way you treat other people is truly giving people permission to treat you the same way.

Yes.

You can't be mean to someone and not expect people to not be mean back. You can't go slug someone and not expect them to slug you back.

So true.

That's it. You can teach them their own value system or encourage them to find their own value system. You can ask them who they want to be. You can also poke around of what kind of relationship do you want with your sister, brother, whatever down the road. You cannot force connection. That's That's it. You are allowed to say, I mean, if they were fighting at all, sometimes I'd be like, yeah, sorry, um, actually I'm trying to make a nice feeling in the house, so you can take that actually outside. And they'd be like, but it's cold.

And I'm like, that's not my problem.

Then stop. It's your choice, actually. That's totally your choice. But I'm trying to make a nice feeling in the house, so please do that somewhere else. That's it.

Love it.

That's it. And honestly, I have seen, and it's great now that my kids are older because, you know, now, now our son is 16 and a half. So I've watched all of them kind of go through things. And there was a while there that I was like, I don't know how this is gonna work out, so I'm not gonna really talk about it. I'll let you know later.

You report back to us.

It's like, but now I can firmly say that I watched all my kids go through various chapters of their lives. Not liking each other sometimes. I've heard the complaint, do you know what he said? Oh my God, I can't believe it. I've witnessed the discussions and the debates and at the table, and I put my head in my hands being like, please, I wish I could be somewhere else. And at the same time, I have watched them move through that. And music to my ears is when I finally heard my eldest and my youngest, who are two totally different spectrums of value systems and they were sitting outside one day and my son turned to her and said, I think it's just important that we just agree to disagree, don't you? And he said, yeah. And my daughter was like, yeah, let's do that. And they both went and played badminton together and did something else together. And I went, okay, that we finally reached.

That's, that's wonderful.

That's the goal.

Yeah. That's the goal.

Yeah.

Because they're not always gonna agree with each other. They're all so different. Yeah. I, I'm living there.

I'm gonna agree with you, and they're not always going to agree with me.

That is so true. Yes. So there's people listening who have babies and little ones. There's people listening, right, right.

I—

we, we were both there. We know there's people listening who have teenagers. So are there different methods depending on age, or are you using these methods no matter what age your kid is?

Great question. Um, you use the same tools for whatever age your kid is when we're talking about your own nervous system regulation and connection to yourself. And I'll tell you why I differentiate between those things, because let's, let's like actually rewind just a little bit of when we talk about the tools that we're using. So you regulate your nervous system, you get grounded, Right? You're feeling present. You've widened your perspective. You're no longer in tunnel vision, which means you're open to solutions. And suddenly then you're kind of in the space where you can actually tap into your deeper intuition, however you wanna see that. So we don't need to talk spiritually cuz it just depends where you're tapping into. But still you're gonna get a deeper guidance. And I always say, you know, that you can actually trust that as heart guidance. So even if you can use that spiritually, you can use that just integrally, intuitively, suddenly you feel in your heart, you get a different sense of guidance. So you're listening to what you're feeling called to do. Now, no matter the age of your child, then you're gonna get a heart-centered guidance of what the right thing is for your child, whoever that is in front of you. So tiny baby, You know, there's nothing, it can be so triggering even if it's a newborn and you're in the hospital and you can feel your whole nervous system rattled because yeah, you're being poked and prodded and your baby's being poked and prodded and you don't even know what this is. And your hormones are doing all kinds of wacky things and everything's so loud and suddenly so fast and this weird space that you're suddenly, you're like embarking on a journey and all you see is like, you know, 18 years before you and you don't really know what you're doing. From that, focus on your feet, take a few deep breaths, come to your baby, allow yourself to regulate and ground, be the safe space and your only safe space, and suddenly you're going to feel called to whatever is needed at that moment. Fast forward 15 years, your 15-year-old is running rampant. Everyone's talking about a minute. Hormones are again going all over the place and you're in a state of, okay, I don't know what I should be doing. I'm being told I should do this. Surely they can't speak this way. Something that always makes me go cringe a little bit is we also talk, you know, the natural state of being like, they, I deserve more respect. That's, you know, that's what we automatically get tricked. And the word respect, which kids don't actually understand, they don't understand what we mean by that. So it's like we come in with all this baggage, we get really triggered, they're coming at us with our baggage. Immediately regulate your nervous system, ground, breathe, let go of all the shoulds, find yourself center. And suddenly that 15-year-old is someone you can kind of relate to differently. You maybe remember little things that you had when you were 15. You see them suddenly, you see their nervous, nervous system triggered. You understand what's happening with them a little bit more, and your heart will help guide you to the conversations that are actually needed. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Same tools, but different ways that it shows up because it's really, it's gonna, your guidance is gonna be your guidance. Once you actually—

I'm gonna, I'm gonna make you proud, and I'm not perfect, but I'm gonna share this with Christina. So my little one gets in the car, and I'm gonna give you a good day. A good day is, I want to tell you all about my day, and she tells me every single detail, and it's a wonderful ride home, and I'm so happy to see her, she's so happy to see me. That is a good day. Okay, very good. She gets in the car, she's miserable, doesn't want me to talk to her. Don't talk to me, don't ask me any questions, leave me alone. She's miserable, like just doesn't want me to say a peep. Okay, so I leave her alone. Now the old me would be like, I just waited here for you. You should be thanking me. What is this crap? Okay, so that is the old me.

Yep, that I saw.

I saw a twinkle of— I saw a twinkle of the old me. The new me was breathing and saying, something must have happened. She's upset about something. She's overwhelmed. She'll let you know later what's going on. And I just drove home peacefully And I was like, don't take it personally.

Well done. I am so proud of you. I knew you'd be proud of you.

I'm so proud of you.

It is, you know, we talk about how kids are our greatest teachers, but then we really don't know actually how that feels. And that's how it shows up because we go, in past experiences of me actually making it about me, this hasn't helped, so maybe I try a different route. And then you go, oh yeah, that felt good. That— and you could tell you listened to your heart in that. It felt like what you needed to do. As soon as you breathe, you got the message of something's happened.

Yep, yep.

And then you shift gears. All of a sudden, as a mom, it's like, okay, holding space. You do so well to also not jump into, because we've all jumped into occasionally the— has something happened? What happened? Are you okay? Did you get hurt? Did someone hurt your feeling? Do you need me to talk to someone? Oh my God. So double kudos to you because you actually stopped them.

I was like, tell me when she needs to. She'll come to me when she's ready. Yes, I'm learning. She is my greatest teacher in life, let me tell you.

Well, and also I'm sure that having two before, you know, I'm sure that anytime Max got into the car, I'm sure, and did that, I'm sure when you were in that different space, he taught you that that was not gonna actually work very well.

But the, their temperaments are so different. That's a whole nother story that I'll tell you another time. But I think that in everyday life, we can learn to use the stuff you're teaching us. I see people going through really, really difficult things, whether it's a death or an illness or a divorce. I mean, I'm seeing— I'm, I'm like surrounded right now, and it's, and it's so hard for them. Um, do they just step it up a notch, give themselves more compassion? Like, what can they do to get through like the harder moments?

I love this question. Um, uh, okay, so first off, going to sound like a broken record, focus on your feet and regulate your nervous system. Because remember that it's really important to remember that things happen, it doesn't mean they're necessarily happening to you. I think when you said I didn't take it personally was really a powerful statement because even, even if you're going through a divorce or a death and it feels like it's happening to you personally, it's important to take a step back from a regulated nerve— regulated nervous system and become a bit of your observer self to actually step into that calm space of, of heart-centeredness, if that makes sense, and be able to love from there. You need to love from there. So for instance, let's, let's use the divorce, um, because death is a little bit over here. We'll just sell death, death for one minute. But say we're, we're dealing with divorce. You have a choice in divorce. You have a choice to, to play the game of anger and frustration and resentment and get caught up in the drama.

Yes. Yes.

Or you get to grieve a relationship that's lost and you get to observe yourself and go, that's so too bad, but I'm choosing something different. And there's a gap there that you actually get to be the peaceful, loving one that actually will regulate and just get done what needs to get done.

Mm-hmm.

And I think often I've actually— I've been, uh, the more I dive into it, the biggest— other than things that happen to us and trigger our nervous system— the, the biggest, um, barrier or, or preventer of your own connection to yourself and to your heart and to the person you want to be is actually drama. And drama to me— and I'm saying this as a theater major, okay— like, drama was like my game. Drama. I had the most dramatic family you can imagine. Can imagine, I grew up everybody talking about everyone's business. I don't know if like gossip was what we did. Drama was everywhere. It was everything. And quite frankly, if we decided let's not gossip for like Lent or something, I don't know, New Year's resolution, let's not gossip, we really didn't know what to talk about. It was— I find that the drama is what we actually perpetuate within ourselves. We, we identify ourselves with drama. It's like, I was so hard done to. I can't believe these people are doing this. Do you know what happened? And now they want this, and now it's like regurgitating all of the hurt and all of the upset without actually processing.

Yeah.

And so when you're in a really hard time we can cover this as self-compassion, but it really does take a step of going, take a step back, take a few deep breaths, and love yourself through this. Like, not just self-compassion of like, oh yes, dear, I know that you're having a hard time. Really go, okay, I actually have to grieve a period of time. Okay, I actually have to, um, let go of old versions of myself. All right, I've actually been walloped and hurt really badly. That needs to heal. What's that gonna look like? I need to be curious about that. There's a courage there. Death. We're gonna bring that back in for anyone who's like, wait, don't put death on the shelf. Okay. Death, death, death is just a pathway of grief. And grief is an actual road that you have to walk. You, you have to walk it. You cannot bury it. It's not of, of just burying it down within you. You have to go, this is, this hurts. This is heartache. This is a, a path of grief and I'm walking through a tunnel, but know that there's light on that other side and it will start to make sense on the other side of that. But don't think that a funeral finishes and all of a sudden everything needs to get back to normal.

Right.

Nope.

Right.

The path of grief takes however long you need it to. And if you need to actually collapse on the floor in the kitchen, cry your eyes out, and then suddenly be able to stand up and go back to washing the dishes, which I have done when I, in periods of loss, that's okay.

Oh yeah.

Yeah. So you're okay to be having a hard time. Just take care of yourself and observe the real issue rather than hide it under more drama and more drama and more drama.

Such good advice. All such good advice. I'm, I'm taking it all in like I always do when I talk to you.

But as long as I'm not going down too many rabbit holes, I'm always like, oh, you ask such good questions. I'm like, ooh, ooh, ooh, yes, let's get juicy.

And I have to tell you, as somebody who comes prepared with questions, I kind of threw the questions out the door. It's just like, where does it— where does the conversation take us? And it took us to so many great places. And I mean, I can't express to you how amazing my session was with you. You have incredible skills. I want everyone to find you. I told her I'd tell everybody about her.

All right, come and find me.

So tell, tell everyone all your stuff. Tell them the stuff you're advertising. Tell them where to find you. Tell them all the things.

Yeah, absolutely. So, okay, let's go. Where do we begin? So my website is spirituallyawareliving.com, and that's where you'll find everything from my podcast, Showing Up Whole, which you may need to have you on at some point.

I would love that.

Let's do that.

I would love that.

Any excuse to have another conversation. Yes. So yeah, my podcast is on my website as well as some courses that I've created as well as my membership program, which is called the Energy Reset Circle. And that's like weekly meditations and energy work. And then my one-on-one sessions. So yes, I do offer one-on-one sessions. I love working one-on-one, as Rebecca knows. Yes. Where we get to really dive deep and clear out things that have been holding you back. And clear out old stories or energy of old stories and clear out, uh, really reset you back to who you came to be, your true self, so you can show up as that person for your kids so that you can really also understand your kids from who they are and make sure that you are feeling authentic and present and calm throughout their entire childhood and beyond and beyond. We know that there's a beyond, Rebecca. I know that there's a beyond.

Yes. Well, and I was just thinking, you know, it's not just me, everyone. You have worked with my husband. You have worked with my daughter.

Yeah.

I think it's time for the second daughter.

Well, and I mean, I love— and actually, this is kind of what I'm working on. I think in the new year, there's probably going to be a new kind of package that I work on.

Like a family package?

Kind of, yeah, where basically, like, Because you have no idea how often I'll meet with a client for a certain period of time, and then I start meeting with their kid, especially older, because this work is not anywhere under 9. There's not a full— they're just being 9, or just even under 13. But suddenly the teen comes forward, and I love being kind of this translator between the two. We all bring in our stuff.

Yes. Yeah.

And kids bring in their stuff. I keep using the symbol of the iceberg over the last little while, you know, that we see what's on top of the iceberg. Yes. It's stuff underneath.

Yes.

I love clearing out what's underneath and making sure that everybody knows each other for who they are.

And you're so good at it.

Oh, thank you. Well, it's in Human Design. I'm known as a projector, which means that then I can receive people's energy and so that I can translate it back. And so that is— I'm very lucky to have found the job that I'm actually meant to be in. So I love what I do.

Did you mention your guide? I don't know if you mentioned your guide.

No, I haven't. So that's what I was just going to mention. I do have a holiday guide, a holiday guide to calm. Yay! So it's like 3 simple tools. And there's also a 7-minute meditation that you can play that's attached to it. And it's all designed to make sure that you can actually really feel whole in yourself during the holidays. So it's, you know, holidays frustrate me. The fact that we have something that's supposed to be this time for family, for connection, for peace in the home, for goodwill. And we say all these things and instead it's nervous system meltdown. Everyone's triggered. I used to hide my kids from the grocery store from like the 1st of November. It's like, please don't know that it's holidays. I know everything's wired. Everyone's sugared up. So the idea of the guide is that you have a few simple processes that you can use of just finding center.

So again, that's on your website.

Yes, it will be. Yeah. Yeah. And so there's 3 simple tools that you can find there and then also a meditation that you can pull it.

Well, you know that I can't thank you enough today for your time and your fabulous expertise.

Well, it is my pleasure.

I'm sure We'll do it again if you don't mind. I'm sure we'll do this again.

Anytime. Bring it in. You'll have loads of questions. We'll just chat and I'll have you over on mine as well.

Oh, I would love that. Well, this is Rebecca Greene and I want to remind everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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