Episode 511: Rebecca's College Student Son

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza!

Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza Podcast with Rebecca Greene. Welcome to the Whiny Palooza Podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Greene for the Whiny Plousa Podcast, and I am very excited today because I get to interview my amazing, wonderful, fabulous son Max Greene. Max, thank you for doing this with me tonight.

You're welcome, Mom.

He's taken time out of his, uh, vacation schedule to do this with me, so I really appreciate it. And it's a very, very exciting time for me because Max is home for college for a whole month. I get him for a month! So I told him my only request over that month is a quick podcast with his mother. So it's very sweet of him to do this, and we're all going to learn from him because he just completed his first semester of college. He is a freshman, and he is a very successful freshman. So let's jump in with, how does it feel to officially finish your first semester of college?

Um, it feels good. For— oh, I'm glad that the anticipation of getting my grades is over, and, uh, I've learned a lot.

You've learned a lot. Are you going to tell us, or should I just keep asking and we'll make sure we get to all of it?

Keep it rolling.

Okay, we're gonna make sure we get to everything that you learned this semester, so make sure that I cover it. What went better than you expected this semester?

I would, I would say my grades definitely went better than I thought they would, which is nice because I've heard a lot of stories of them not going well. I think that some other things that went better, hmm, maybe the campus. I really like the campus a lot. It's very beautiful. And the winter, you know, coming from Buffalo, I didn't think it would be too hard. But we haven't gotten that much snow. I think they've gotten more snow than us. And every time I tell someone from Buffalo, like, oh my God, you must get so much snow. Not recently.

Max is very disappointed that we don't have a ton of snow right now. I'm trying to tell him that I don't want any snow, and he's telling me that I'm Scrooge. So, um, what was harder than you thought it would be?

Probably some of the social aspect. I think because there are so many people there, like in any school you're gonna have really large classes, that it's a bit, um, anonymizing. And some of the professors do a good job of making it not that way, but it really depends on the professor. And like finding friends in classes, the first week was not what I thought it was going to be. I've heard many things about the first week of college, but me, I need— it was kind of just a week of doing nothing.

I was so perplexed. We dropped you off on like Monday or Tuesday and we left Monday.

Oh, well, you left on Tuesday, right?

But it didn't make any sense because you didn't know class till Monday, right? So it's like there was like nothing to do until class started.

They had a few events at night, but overall, yeah, there wasn't a lot to do.

So you just like hung out and tried to meet people and hung out with your roommate?

Yeah, I guess. I don't really remember, but I do remember being disappointed.

I know, I know. Um, thankfully you picked a really good roommate.

Mm-hmm.

What are you most proud of yourself for right now?

Well, again, I'm very proud of my grades, and I'm very proud of the adjustment that I've made. And actually, I, I don't take those back, but I'd say the thing that I'm most proud of is being part of a lab because for a very long time I really wanted to and I was nervous that I wasn't going to be able to. So now to have that feels really nice.

So, um, any advice to someone who wants to be part of a lab?

Well, I got lucky because they actually showed me in this group for, uh, freshmen who want to be part of research that I joined, they showed a pie chart of all the people that responded to their survey of how many emails they had to send to get someone, and the average was like 10. And there were tons of people who had sent more than 20 before getting in, getting into a lab. But I only had to send 3, so I got very lucky.

That's amazing.

I would say send lots of cold emails and use any connections that you have.

Yeah. I mean, I think that persistence is such a good skill to have.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Well, and I want to talk about the adjustment, and I want to talk about the grading system. So first of all, when Max went to Cornell, his dad and I said to him, honey, you don't need to expect A's at Cornell. Like, just do your best and just be proud of yourself for doing your best. And Max likes to tell me to screw off, so he likes to prove me wrong over and over again. So not only did Max get all A's, but I didn't know that you could get higher than a 4.0. Can you explain that to everyone?

Well, normally you have the, the B is like a 3-point-something, 3.5, and then A and A+ are 4.0. But at Cornell, they do A+ is a 4.3, and an A is a 4.0, and an A- is a 3.7.

So it's a different grading system than most schools. And according to Max— Max, tell me if I'm wrong, I have not looked this up—

Cornell is the only school that does this as far as I know as well, but it's possible others do.

Okay, well, I'll look it up because I'm curious, but I have never heard of getting— Max got higher than a 4.0. That's all I'm gonna say. So we are beyond proud of him, and he worked really hard for those grades. So I mean, we should talk about studying. Um, what advice do you have to, to all the students and parents about your amazing studying?

Well, I think a lot of kids in high school, or students, will just memorize information or follow the packet that the teacher gives them, and then that's enough for the test, which is enough in high school, and that's good. But it's a really important skill to learn how to learn things and not just memorize or do what someone else tells you, but to learn how to figure out what you need to do and do it on your own. And it's different for everybody, and it looks different. So it's just about experimenting and figuring out what it looks like for you.

Well, and I was even trying to explain to your sister Lily— Lily's in 8th grade, um, and I was explaining to her that, you know, I love that you're going over the material and trying to memorize it, but, you know, her teachers will throw her for a loop. She has to be able to apply the material to a different type of question. So it's starting even in 8th grade. So, um, you said that you're proud of how you adjusted. Um, what do you think about what is going well with the adjustment? Because I know you feel adjusted.

Yeah. Um, well, adjusting to my dorm was, was hard the first week or two. Um, I would have dreams where I was back home and then I'd wake up disoriented, and that, that was really weird. But after those went away, it was easier, and meeting people around my floor and saying hi made it easier. But I think It honestly, the beauty of the campus helped as well because I would just walk around and appreciate the moment walking around and those little moments of taking the time to stop and appreciate things really helped as well.

That's awesome. I know that you love nature. I feel like he's at the perfect campus for himself, don't you think?

Mm-hmm.

So how did you stay motivated and organized to earn your grades?

Well, motivation is kind of funny because I've always been motivated to get good grades, and I know that I'm gonna need good grades, not great. I need at least good grades for what I want to do. But also, uh, it was kind of funny. I would say to myself, well, I'm here to be a student and learn things, and that's my one real job, so I should try to do that job pretty well. And that would be where I got my motivation from. And what was, what was the other part of the question?

Organized.

Organized. Um, I'm not the greatest at staying organized, but I would have a few different folders for each class. And it's not hard because a lot of things are digital now. So I would just go to the folder for the class and find what I needed.

Well, I don't ever get on you about neatness or organization because your grades tell me that I don't need to interfere with anything.

I get it done. It gets done.

Oh my goodness. And I appreciate the fact that you are intrinsically motivated. Mm-hmm. Yes. Um, what helped you most when things felt stressful or overwhelming?

Mm, well, definitely, uh, gaming nights with my friends, phone calls with you guys, and, um, playing games with my roommate Asher on Fridays. We would have to play games on Friday mornings. I love it. Those helped, but, um, also just when I felt overwhelmed, taking things step by step and just getting done what I can in that moment.

That's really good advice, and I love that you can still connect to your friends at home on your computer.

Yeah, it's nice that I can bring my computer back and forth.

They probably like being able to see you while you're at school. Yeah, it's keeping you connected.

Yes.

So what did you learn about yourself that surprised you?

Um, what did I learn about myself that surprised me? I think I learned, uh, really at home I'm always with people no matter what I'm doing, and it's not the same at college. And I think I learned more how to appreciate alone time, but also I'm forgetting now. Oh, when we were at dinner the other day, someone asked me if I like high school or college better, and when I hesitated, they're like, "You're hesitating? College is so much better than high school." And I really thought that I would— I, like, a few months ago before I left would have been like, "Yeah, I'm gonna say college is infinitely better," but I found myself hesitating because when I was in that tight-knit high school community where we all had known each other for so many years, it, it felt close and it felt connected. But when I go to college and there's just so many people and it's kind of anonymous, I do miss that sense of community. But the independence is nice and there's so many great things about college too.

Well, it sounds like the challenges are how big the school is. So as much as you love how big the school is, so like Uh, people asked me about UB being so big. So as my classes— like, you'll see as you get older, as my classes got smaller, I got more of a community. So I'm hoping the same thing for you. I think so too, because when you're a freshman, your classes are the biggest, right?

Because you're taking all the introduction classes.

So you— yeah, you really need like a tight— I think that's like the next step is like a community for you within the school.

Mm-hmm.

So how did— how do you feel like you balance schoolwork with downtime? Do you feel like you did a good job with that?

I feel like I did well. I'm generally not someone who needs a ton of downtime, so that helps. And having like my set schedule with Asher to play games and playing with my friends every so often, that was all the downtime I needed. So I think I did a good job.

Do you feel like regularly going to the gym was a good outlet for you?

Oh, yeah. I— yeah, I've always gone to the gym for the last, like, 4 years, and going to the gym has always been super helpful for me. And the flexibility of the college schedule definitely accommodates that well.

That's awesome. So you can kind of de-stress at the gym.

Mm-hmm.

What class challenged you the most and why?

My math class. And it's funny, and it's because of my advisor who told me to take the class specifically, because over the summer I had planned to take a certain math class, and he was like, no, no, no, our math department is great, take this class instead. And it was just the worst, one of the worst classes I've ever taken, and the professor did not care about it. I had a good lecturer, but the professor running it was not good. Exams were 90% of our grade. It was not a fun experience. So that's—

that's— that's so— so not the greatest advice.

No, my advisor did not give me great advice.

What was your favorite class?

My favorite class? It's hard, but I think computer science because I was learning such interesting, useful things, and I had a professor that I liked. The other one, not so much, but, um, having a professor from my hometown helped, and the projects we worked on were cool, sometimes annoying though, and, um, I did well in it, so it felt rewarding.

Well, and for people who don't know, like, this was really your first time being away from home. We didn't send you away— I mean, you, you a couple trips with your friends, which was good, but you've never like gone away for the summer to camp or gone away for an internship. Like, this was your first time being away, so it, it's a huge— it's a bigger adjustment for people like that.

Yeah.

Um, so like, what did you think of that adjustment?

Um, well, it wasn't the worst for me because in general I'm just kind of like, it is what it is and I just go with the flow and I know I'm just doing it. Um, and I knew that I would get used to it like I did. So I just kept my faith in that I would get used to it and eventually I did.

And how do you think being away changed you?

Um, well, it's definitely a lot different from home, obviously, but it's different in a way that you haven't experienced before. And things at home were definitely getting like repetitive. I had done it for many years and that new experience was very good for like broadening my perspectives and learning more about myself than if I had stayed continuing the same things I had been doing.

Right, right. And if you would have gone to school in town and lived at home, you wouldn't have probably changed as much as you've changed going away. Mm-hmm. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Mm-mm.

What did you have to ask for help with?

Um, my computer science again. I would go to office hours sometimes. I remember the very first week, I was thinking that I would be at office hours every week. Going there and being a great student. I did not do that. I only went when I needed to. But the first week I went to office hours and sat there for like 3.5 hours in the rotation of students who needed help with the first assignment because I had missed like a character somewhere in my code and the TA and I were trying to find it and she was super busy and I just ended up doing the rest of the assignment in that time. With, but I couldn't get past that one part until the end.

Oh my God, that's so frustrating. Are you taking, are you taking computer science next semester?

I'm taking the math for computer science.

And you like your schedule better next semester?

That's another thing I learned about scheduling.

Can you tell people?

I took too many classes to begin with. And I was like, I'll see if I need to drop any, I can always drop. But I know myself, I wasn't going to drop any unless I really needed to. And a month in, I was like, I'm already a month in, I can't stop now. But I scheduled like 5 and a half classes and it was not a good choice. Um, my schedule, I would be I would leave my dorm at 7 on Tuesdays and get back at 7 PM. And that was not fun. Some days it was 7 to 8. But yeah, it was a bad idea. So this semester, I'm taking 4 classes.

Yeah, I was worried about how you scheduled your classes. I, I try my best to stay out of it. I, I was worried, but you pulled it off.

Yeah.

So what's one habit you wanna keep next semester?

Mm, I wanna keep my habit of starting studying for exams a week in advance.

I, that's a good, good habit.

I always start, I think I found that starting one week in advance is good for me. And because if I start any further out, then I forget what I studied. And if I start any closer, then I can't study enough. So a week seems to be the sweet spot for me.

I think you should tell Ella and Lily that, because I think that's really good advice. Okay. Okay. What's one thing you want to do different next semester?

My schedule.

I'm so happy for you. It's going to be such a better schedule. No more 7 to 7 days.

Mm-mm, it's like 10. I leave my dorm room at like 9:40 and get back at like 3.

Well, and you can leave your dorm earlier than that if you want to go to breakfast or something, right? So, um, I just— one of my things when I talk to him is, are you fitting in your meals? Are you sleeping? Like, I want to know, are you eating? Are you drinking? Are you sleeping? Those are always my questions, right? And I always tell him not to forget his water.

Yeah, I don't forget.

And you're taking your vitamins too.

Yeah.

So that's a good thing. So what would you tell parents listening about supporting their kids through the— well, we're through the first semester, but what would you tell parents listening about supporting their college kids? How about if we be more general?

I would say that since each kid has different needs, listening to them is important. And sometimes kids need space, sometimes they need you more. And that will change throughout their time at college. And it's important to listen and definitely check in with them. Like, like you do, seeing their face is probably a good thing to do. A lot of people I've met, they have weekly calls with their family at the very least. And I think that's a good thing, uh, to have.

Yeah, I mean, I find for me that, um, I feel better— like texting you will make me feel better because it's like a touch, you know what I mean? But sometimes I'll call him and I'll be like, I need to see your face, I can't text you, I need to see your face, I miss your face. I need to see his face every so often. I think weekly minimum FaceTime for me anyway. That's what I need. What surprised you most about college academics?

Mm. What surprised me most? I guess it was how much more dependent It is on the individual professor. In high school, at least the teachers each follow a similar format at the very least. But in college, the professor decides every single thing about the class. So some attendance is mandatory or some you can never show up and some exams are 90% or even 100% and others they're like 40%. It's It's just very dependent on the professor you get. So checking websites like Rate My Professor is very important.

So professors really have free liberty to run their class how they want? Mm-hmm. I don't think I knew that. Yeah, high school is more regulated.

Seems like it, but it's more if the professor has their tenure, then they can really do whatever they want. Younger professors, they have to be on their stuff.

That makes sense. That makes total sense. So how did you handle the moments when you felt major pressure to perform?

Mm. Well, I think when I was feeling it a lot, I would just take things one step at a time and making progress towards my goal. Helped me feel the pressure less because I knew I was doing what I could to get further. And if I couldn't do anything, just having faith in myself and that I could do it.

Well, and you said something that is super important for people to hear, is if we're anxious or stressed about something, thinking about it doesn't make us feel better, but doing something about it makes us feel better. So that's really good advice. How has your definition of success changed since starting college?

I would say my definition of success is if I— it has gone from what used to be trying to get perfect grades to get in a school like the one I'm at, to if I'm feeling like what I'm doing is the path I want to be on. Because now grades aren't as important, although they are what I am mostly doing right now, but that might change this next semester. And I think just feeling like I'm on the right path is what I need to be successful.

That's really good advice for everybody. And for somebody who isn't planning on going to grad school, I'm gonna guess grades aren't as important as somebody who wants to go to grad school. I'm asking you.

No, no, no, they're not. Um, I mean, my advice for that would be getting experience and internships to get a job, but that's not what I'm here for, right?

So what do you feel like support from home looks like for you?

Support from home, FaceTime every so often. Getting texts from you is nice. You, you take the efforts to reach out to me more, so I don't really have to think about it, which is nice. And yeah, I think just continuing what we've been doing has worked for me.

Yeah, well, and you know, you could text or call whenever you want.

Mm-hmm.

Like Max would be like, is this a good time? And I'm like, you call me whenever you wanna call me. I don't care what I'm doing. Oh my God. There is the funniest parodies out there about mothers and their kids in college. It's like, it doesn't matter what we're doing. We will drop everything to talk to our kids. You are most important to me. I don't care what I'm doing.

Okay.

So what advice do you have for the students who really struggled through their first semester?

I would say, well, looking back at what felt like it made you struggle the most and trying to learn from that is important. And yeah, learning from the past semester will help. And I would say trying to figure out if you're on the right path is helpful.

Well, and I always tell people, whether you're really successful or not successful, you got to evaluate it. Because if you're successful, you want to know what you did to be successful so you can do it again. And if you weren't successful, You gotta look at it to see what you can do better. So hopefully they can come up with a plan to do better next semester.

Yes.

Yes. Um, what can kids do in high school to prep for college if they want to go to a really good school?

Well, like earlier, um, not just doing the packets or memorizing things, but making sure you learn the content and understand the bigger picture of things. I would say that there is an overemphasis on grades and numbers in the— when you're trying to get into top schools. I think making sure you're doing things that really matter and that matter to you is actually how you will get in.

Well, and I think that people talk about the essays all the time, and I think that your authenticity really was reflected in your essays, right? Like, I think they could really understand who you were and what you've achieved and what you've done through your essays.

Yes, yes. And I know We weren't going to go into this, but I will say that I know it sounds hypocritical coming from me, but from being there, it really is a bit of randomness and things that you can't control. And the admissions officers are also human, so they make mistakes too.

Yeah, and I mean, it's amazing to me that somebody who maybe should get into every single Ivy League school only maybe gets into one or gets into none, even if you have stacked to be admitted. You just don't know what they're looking for, right?

It's, uh, it's crazy out there.

Well, and I've gotten the luxury of interviewing admission or, um, people who help kids apply to schools, and you know, the last woman that I interviewed was like, they might be looking for a saxophone player, like, right? They might be looking for a swimmer. Like, you don't know who they're looking for, so you can hope that they're looking for you. So what was your biggest lesson this semester?

My biggest lesson was the thing that I keep returning to, which is keeping the faith in myself and keeping the faith that given time that I can do it and it will get done.

So I mean, for the kids who are going to go away to school next year, they just need to give it time to adjust because it takes time for every adjustment. And, um, anything else about college that will help people that I didn't ask you that you can think of?

Well, you know, if you don't adjust and you don't like it then you can keep the faith that you'll know, and you'll know the right decision for you.

Okay, so I want to talk about that for 2 seconds before I let you go. We have had so many people go away to school that we know, because Max is a freshman, so all the freshmen that I know went to all different schools, and we're hearing feedback There's kids who like it and there's kids who don't like it. There's kids who are staying, there are kids who are transferring, and I'm here to tell everybody that you can make a decision and you can change your mind. And I told Max that when he went away to school. You have to pick a school that you think you're going to do well at and that you want to go to, and then you have to hope that you made a good decision, but it's okay if you didn't.

Mm-hmm.

Right? So to all those kids out there who I'm hearing are transferring or trying to stick out the first year, I mean, every kid is so different, so you just never know. And Ella could go to Cornell and not like it. So Max likes it, that doesn't mean my other kids would like it. Yeah. Yeah. So thank you so much for spending time with me and sharing your college expertise with us.

You're welcome.

This is Rebecca Greene, and I want to remind everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving.

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