Episode 513: Being Hard on Yourself

No need to whine, it's Whiny Palooza! Have some wine and join us on the Whiny Palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene. Welcome to the Whiny Palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family. Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Greene for the Whiny Pluza Podcast, and I am a very excited mom today because I got— I get to interview my daughter Lily, and I couldn't be more excited. Hi, Lily.

Hi.

So Lily is 13 years old. I have 3 kids. Max is 18, Ella is 16, Lily is 13, and they have watched me do 500+ episodes, so they know all about the podcast. They have been guests on the podcast. They have listened to my podcast, and Lily knows the type of topics that I cover, and she said, "Mom, I have a really good topic that I want to do." So I appreciate her for not only coming up with the content of this episode, but for coming up with it, being willing to do it, and making the time out of her vacation to sit down with me. So my kids, my girls are off for 2 weeks. It has been amazing. I'm sure that Lily has been bored at times. Is that correct? Yeah, but I'm enjoying wintering is what it's called. I just saw that on Facebook from my friend Erica. We've been doing Lego, we've been reading books, we've been watching shows, and last night we went to see Christmas lights. So, and yeah, um, she really wants to go skiing, so I will talk to her father about that, but We're going to cover an awesome topic about being hard on yourself. So here's the deal, Lily does not know what I'm going to ask her, so I'm going to ask Lily questions, she's going to do her best to answer, and if she does not have an answer or she doesn't know, there is never any pressure. She can just say, "Let me think," or "I don't know," or "Let's move on to the next question." Okay, okay. So I love that you came up with this, but what does being hard on yourself mean to you?

I think it can, like, occur in, like, many different ways, but I feel like just, like, putting pressure, like, putting pressure on yourself that, like, you can't take control over. That's what I think.

Do you have an example to share with us?

I find myself being like very nitpicky with myself and like noticing things that like other people don't notice about yourself, like even like makeup and stuff like that. So like if I like— I'm not the best tumbler yet, and that's been something that I've been very hard on myself on.

Um, I just want to tell you something that works for me. Um, I'm just going to pass this on to you and I'll move on to the next question. But like the makeup thing, uh, like obsessing about like little details about maybe our appearance that people don't notice. I will— I joke around with you and myself and I'll say nobody cares. Like nobody cares. You care. We think you look gorgeous and you're like, this eyelash is out of place. So, um, I'm going to tell you that the little details don't matter as much as you think. But we can, we can work on that through— we'll, we'll work on it more through these questions. When do you notice your inner critic showing up the most?

Um, in school, like whether it's like a test or homework and stuff like that. Like if I see one person like doing better than I did on something, I get really nitpicky about it. And like, it's not something that you should be hard on yourself on. And I feel like school just like is the main thing that like all kids are very hard on themselves about.

So I'm trying, I'm looking for words to respond to that because I'm trying to figure out why we compare ourselves to people who we think are doing better than us. How come we never compare ourselves to the people who aren't doing as well as us?

I don't know.

So like, you'll say to me— I'm gonna give you an example for me, okay? So I'm sorry, but I think we have a beautiful house and I'm very thankful for it. But like, you'll say something like, oh my God, their house is so huge! And I'll be like, well, our house isn't very huge, but it's a good size. And I'll get down on myself. But I don't think about the people who would like kill for our house, right? We, we tend to compare ourselves. Comparison is the thief of joy. So I think that if I can get you and I to get rid of that word in our lives, I think we would be much happier people. What if we just— what if we just compared ourselves to ourselves? What if I was like, I read that page faster than yesterday? What kind of things do you say to yourself when you're frustrated?

Like, in like a hard— me harden yourself way?

Yeah, yeah.

Um, I feel like that wasn't good enough, I could do better. Um, there's someone out there doing it better than I am, stuff like that.

So why do you think you go to that place though?

Um, I think because like there's always something inside of me that wants to be better. So like I— my mind just kind of takes it to like thinking about the people that are doing better than me and like I could be there but I'm not. Like you choose to not do that for yourself in that way.

So, um, what about the— okay, so let's say that you're in a class of— how many kids are in a class? 25?

Yeah.

Okay, so let's say that maybe you're number 5. What about the other 20 that are under you? You don't think about them? No. What makes you want to be the best?

Um, I feel like just like always thinking about how like you only live once, and like if You have one body or one, like, one life. You want to live it to the best ability and, like, experience being the best yourself.

Kind of. That makes sense. Okay. Okay. So I'm going to tell you what I told my friend when she asked me about the meaning of life. Okay. I told her that I feel like life is learning to be the best version of yourself, but the best version of yourself most definitely does not beat yourself up. So I think in— I love— I don't know how Seth and I did this. I'm not gonna blame us. Um, we have 3 kids who are high achievers. They're all high achievers. They're all hard on themselves. Um, do you feel like Dad and I are high achievers and hard on ourselves?

Not so much hard yourself. It's like when you see your parents being something, then you just like see it as like an inspiration, like you want to get there in life. So then you just like kind of go towards being hard on yourself to get there.

So my parents are extremely hard workers. Dad's parents were, are extremely hard workers, were extremely hard workers growing up. So we learned that from our parents, and I think we have carried that on to our kids. And I want you to know that I respect hard work. Like, I see you grinding with your homework and studying and trying to get, you know, really good grades, and I admire that. I'm just wondering how we get you to a place where you're kinder to yourself through the process. What do you think that could look like?

Um, I feel like it's not so much parents. I feel like Not being so on top of us for everything. Like, if I don't answer you one time, I'm probably just tired and don't wanna talk in the moment. Like, just not being so naggy about things, kind of. And the nicest way possible.

Well, so I think that what I am learning from teenagers, you know, so I went from 3 little kids who were like, mom, mom, mom, mom, all the time. Okay, they wanted me all the time. So now I have 3 teenagers, God help me, and the 3 teenagers are moody. And sometimes you guys just want me to leave you alone. So I'm trying to get to a place where when you don't want me to talk to you, I just don't talk to you.

That's fine.

Yes. So Okay, going back to being hard on yourself, how does it feel in your body when you're being hard on yourself?

Wait, does that mean like in your body, like mentally?

Mentally, physically?

Like, um, it definitely like affects me a lot mentally. Like once you start being so hard on yourself, like you can't stop until like you like figure out a way to cope through it. Like, um, it causes like— I'm trying to think. It just like, it doesn't really— it just feels like anxiety and like being very anxious about things because like you're so hard on yourself about certain things. Like you're so nitpicky of it that makes you so anxious, if that makes sense.

It doesn't lead to your headache, does it?

No.

No. Okay, so I think that— do you feel like you've been given any tools for your anxiety to use when you're feeling that way?

Um, you've definitely told me a lot of like life lessons and stuff that helped me through them, and like I kind of just like, like, you know, the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 thing. Like where you go through your hands. I do that a lot, and it's just like breathing, basically.

Yes. Um, so what I have taught my children that you can all teach your children is that the brain goes to this survival mode. So like, if you get anxious and stressed about something, your brain is like, I'm not safe, I'm not safe, red alert, red alert. Like, you can think of a red button going off in your head and your brain is like, I'm in survival mode, I better take care of myself. And then your breathing gets faster and you get into this flight or fight or flight response. So, um, so we can definitely work on that and we can work on relaxation. But like, I want everybody to know that just telling yourself that you're safe and you're okay can slow everything down.

Yeah. And you told me before, like, feel your feet on the floor. That's helped me a lot with certain things.

Yeah, because we get so in our, so in our head. Yeah. So it helps to ground ourselves to the floor.

Yeah.

So, um, can you give us an example of when you were kind to yourself versus hard on yourself?

Um, an example. Okay, so like being on— let me think. Okay, so like a time when I was hard on myself.

Yes.

I feel like it's humbling when like I've spent like 7 months on this back handspring thing and I still don't have it. Kind of drives me crazy. And I see like my one friend, like, she got it in one day. Like, I find that insane. And, um, that's a time I was hard on myself. Time I was kind to myself, um, I feel like I actually have to think.

I hope that you can think of a time. If you can't think of a time that you were kind to yourself, it's okay.

I feel like, feel like we don't realize when we're nice to ourselves. Like, we're so focused on being rude to ourselves, we don't even realize.

Oh, I mean, I mean, wait, I wanna, I wanna stop you before we talk about kindness. So you just nailed something that you're not aware of. So you're very rude to yourself, you're very hard on yourself, you're very mean to yourself. And what happens is that then spills over to us, and then you're rude and mean and hard on us. So I'm gonna give you even more motivation because you love me so much. If we can work on you being sweeter and kinder and more compassionate to yourself, then that's how you're going to treat me too. Because when I get really bitchy with myself, I then get really bitchy to all of you.

Yeah.

Okay, so an example of Lily being kind to herself. Go!

Um, when I just use this as an example, like every time, like I'm very into like working out and like whenever I see myself like, like increase weight or something like that, it makes me feel very proud of myself.

And, um, so, so you probably say, oh, like I've heard you say, Mom, I'm so excited, I went up to this weight. So you're being kind and proud to yourself in that moment.

So that—

so then what we can do is we can remember that And you can build on that and you can say, that felt really good when I gave myself praise and I'm going to do that more often.

Yeah.

So what helps you calm down when you're upset with yourself?

Um, I really like listening to music. It like helps calm down. And, um, I always find someone to talk to, like whether it's like family or friends, like just find someone to talk to, gets you out of your head. And taking walks, stuff like that.

Yeah, you love to walk. Um, I just want you to take note— this is something that I've learned— who makes you feel better and who doesn't make you feel better. Because the people, when you're stressed out and you talk to someone and they make you feel better, those are the people to go to when you're stressed out. You just learn who to go to for what.

Yeah, right.

Do you think you expect more from yourself than you do from others?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, definitely.

Why, why do you think that is?

Um, because like you're never gonna like, whenever you're rude to yourself, you're not gonna tell your best friend that. Like, so like when I catch myself doing that, like I always just kind of try to think like, I would not tell my best friend that. Why am I telling myself that?

I told you this story, I think. I started to notice, you know, my friends come to me for support and love and advice, and I started, I started to notice what I was saying to them. And I was like, and I said to myself, why do you think that they deserve your kindness but then you're so rude to yourself? Why do you do that? And I got upset with myself, and it fueled me going on a mission last year I think it was 2025, the beginning of the year, I said, I'm going to treat myself like I'm my own best friend. So like, we need our friends, Lily. We all need friends and connections. But I have learned, you know, it took me until 49, 48, 49 to learn it. I have learned that I have to be my own best friend because that's more important. You're going to find as you get older Validation from yourself feels so much better than validation from anyone else outside of you. Yeah. So the question that we need to ask ourselves is, what would I say to my best friend right now? And I'm gonna go say that to myself.

I'll definitely start doing that. And like, also it's on confidence too. Like, you feel so much better in yourself when you're confident. Compared to when you're not confident. Like, you're not going to be mad. You're not going to be rude to yourself if you're confident.

So that's, that's really good. So, so what is an example of being confident?

Like, even just like talking to people, like walking in the hallways and being able to say hi, like little things like that. You have to be able to be confident to that. Like, after my bat mitzvah, I feel really confident. Like, I've talked in front of a lot of people and like, Just things like that.

So when we do really hard things, we build our confidence.

Yeah.

And when we, when we tackle it and accomplish it, we build our confidence. So then, so, so what are examples of low confidence?

Um, being super like to yourself, like not being able to express yourself to other people and like just being super like Being super— I'm trying to find the word— like being super conscious. Yeah. And quiet about yourself. Like, I always can tell when someone is like not in a good mood just by like how they're like, how they're like sitting even. Like, like, do you ever see someone walking and you're always— you're like, they look really confident? Like, you can tell when someone is confident.

So I would like to share this in case you and other people don't know this. If you pretend, if you walk, if you pretend, then you become. So, so you pretend to be happy, you become happy. You pretend to be confident, you become confident.

Yeah.

Do you know that?

Yes, I do.

So why do you think it's hard to say kind thing— kind things to yourself versus it easy being able to say kind things to your friends?

Um, because like, I'm trying to find— let me think of words, one second. I feel like when you're in your own brain, like, you can't— like, we're always finding something else. You're always finding something to talk about or something to think about. And like, when you're— you don't have to think by yourself for a second, you can help your friends, it's just so much easier to be nice. And like, if I'm like— I don't know, I feel like I'm a big thinker, so like, that leads to being hard on yourself. And like, does that answer the question or no?

I think that you're answering the question, and I think you're describing overthinking. And overthinking can be good and it can be bad. Like, we can use it for good and we can use it for bad. So if we use it for good, we're thinking through something that we figure out.

And if we—

if we use it for bad, then we're like making ourselves anxious and upset.

Yeah, for like no reason.

So, so have you been successful to stop yourself from overthinking?

Um, I found ways. I'm getting there, but it's like little things, like with tests. Like, I didn't know I was an overthinker until like I started like changing my answers on a test. Or what are we doing?

So we learned through experience that Lily was changing her answers and getting wrong what she was changing. So I owe Lily a present because I said to her, if you go take this test and you don't change anything, I will buy you a present. So Lily, you will get— although you have 3 presents coming, so I think I did buy you stuff. Yeah, one of your favorite Hanukkah presents is arriving tomorrow, by the way. So holy late, um, it is January 2nd when we are recording this, and I ordered this Hanukkah present way before Hanukkah started, and she is getting it tomorrow. Sorry, Lily. But I will start rewarding this child when she goes to take a test. I give her gentle reminders. We're not going to change any of our answers.

Yes.

So it's part of its practice, right? Yeah, we, yeah, we have to work on the overthinking.

Yeah, we'll get there. We'll get there.

I mean, It's so— one of the lines that I say to one of my best friends is, I wish that you could see yourself through my eyes, because my eyes to her and to you, seeing you, sees all the strengths and all the wonderful things about you too. And yeah, and you too will like rip yourselves apart. So like, I just want to use tumbling for an example and I'll move on. You have a different brain, a different body, different talents than every other person. So someone who goes and does a back handspring in 2 seconds has a totally different mind and body than you do. So I want you to get to a place where you just love who you are and what you are and, and can like be like self-compassionate to yourself. Like, you are good enough without a back handspring. A back handspring does not define you. She can do one. I have seen her do one, so I don't know what the problem is. I've seen you do one with like someone touching you with like the tip of their finger, and like she thinks that they're helping her and they literally have their finger on her. And I have sat in the waiting room and watched you do them without anybody touching you. So I don't know what you're thinking, but I think you can do a back handspring. What does doing your best look like for you?

Just like believing in yourself and like showing effort for something that you care about and not just like giving up.

So one of the— that was the perfect answer. One of the many, many therapists that I have gotten to talk to has said that one of the keys is to praise your effort and not the results, because your effort is more important than the results, because we can build on effort.

Yeah.

So you are one of the hardest working people I know. So can you remember that?

Thank you, thank you.

Whether it's school or cheerleading or your bat mitzvah, you just like— she just goes gung-ho. People can't see my— if you're, if you're listening, you can't see all of my hand gestures.

And you like to use your hands a lot. I see.

I use my hands. People make fun of me. I'm not—

it means you have a higher IQ if you use your hands.

Oh, I'm happy to hear that. How do you know when you need a break instead of pushing yourself harder?

Um, I can like, I just like can like feel it. Like you get so stressed out. I get really stressed out when I like, like when, when I like can't talk to anyone. That's like when I know, because I love talking to people. So like if I'm like at school and like I just don't feel like talking to any of my friends, like I know I need a break with something. Like every time we have like a break And then like I go back to school, I feel like way, way better than like just being at school for like 8 months. Like, you know what I mean?

Well, yeah. And I am going to tell you something that I taught your sister. Um, I'm not like inviting you not to go to school, but she, you know, Ella pushes herself really hard too.

Yeah.

And the kid goes to school all day. Goes to clubs, does homework, like goes nonstop. You see her. And, um, one of the things that Elle and I have talked about is mental health days. So I mean, I'm not inviting kids to skip school. I'm just inviting parents and kids to know that I appreciate that people take sick days, but every so often we probably need a mental health day.

Yeah.

And I also think Like, that doesn't just go for school, that goes for, you know, like after school, just needing some downtime and knowing, like you will even say to me, I can't do my homework yet. Like I need a mental break.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. So just knowing yourself and like paying attention to what works for you. Yeah.

Like school's a lot. Like people don't realize that you go 8 hours at school and then like people have like sports and stuff and you have like an hour of homework. Like that's insane.

So my beef with school, um, I wish I could change this. I really do. I don't know how we change this. This would have to be like a big parental movement. But I love that you're in school. I love that you're with people, you're with teachers who are teaching you, you're socializing, you're learning. Like, I love that part. And then after school, I want my kids to do prosocial activities like clubs and cheerleading and football and whatever. However, I do not want my kids to have homework. I do not. I do not. Yeah, I do not believe in homework. I think they should be spending their time doing other things. They've already been in school all day, and it really pisses me off.

Yeah, like the amount, like when you hear people getting homeschooled, like they do all the work we're doing at school in like 2 hours. Like, why do we need to then come home and do an hour? That's just not necessary. That's what school's for.

Well, they want you to practice, but what I am hearing from research is that you don't need to practice.

Yeah, if you teach good, then—

I'm sorry about all the homework. You and Ella have a lot of homework, and you know your brother studies all the time. So what helps you feel proud of yourself?

What helps me? Like, do you mean like— like, give me an example.

So like, what works for you in your life? What makes you feel like— what do you do that makes you feel proud of yourself? What helps you? Like, when you talk to yourself, when someone else says it?

Oh, okay. Um, I feel like when I like— sometimes I just like go in my journal and like write what I've like accomplished. It's like, you don't realize when you have like what you've been like accomplishing in your life. Like, you need to realize little things. And like, also, like, sometimes, like, me and my friends talk about like things that we've done and it like always makes us feel better. And like, I think that's like mainly it, just like talking and writing about it.

What if you have a special— and what if you train yourself to write in it every day only good things about yourself?

Okay.

Do you have a journal or do you need one?

No, I think I, I have a lot.

How can adults better support kids when they're feeling self-critical?

Um, I'm not gonna lie, sometimes just like leave them alone. And also, I feel like not saying like, like, are you okay, did I do something? Like, you don't gotta do all that. Just like, give them space and like, just like every once in a while ask, are you okay? Things like that always help. I feel like—

so when you're being snappy, is that a sign that you're having a bad moment and we need to leave you alone?

Probably just ask me, are you okay? Like, it's really not hard.

Okay, we can do that. What's one— one— what's one thing you'd like to practice saying to— saying to yourself more often?

It's gonna get done, or like, it's gonna be okay.

When I was your age, I would get very frazzled and overwhelmed, and Grammy would say, just take it one step at a time. And she would say that always helped me to slow my brain down. And she always said, remember, you always get it done. Like, you always get it done. You just have to start, and you just have to take it step by step. Yeah, because I remember getting very overwhelmed.

Yeah, there's like so much in life that if you just like let it consume your mind, then like you're gonna freak out.

Yeah, exactly. Are there situations when being hard on yourself was a good thing?

Um, when I'm like trying to like push myself to like do something, like in like school, when like I'm like not doing my homework or something and it's like due tomorrow, like, and I'm hard on myself to do it. I think that's a good thing. Or like tumbling again, like being hard on yourself to like get the tumbling that you want.

We always go back to that because I promise.

Okay, um, like tumbling and schoolwork and sometimes like being hard on yourself to like like, not that I don't, but like, look out for other people. Like, not being so consumed with yourself and like notice other people.

Well, and one of the keys to life is getting outside of yourself because it makes you happier.

Yeah.

When we get too self-consumed, we can get anxious and depressed. Yeah. So it's good to think about other people. Um, family, friends, pets. You've got all of those things. How can you be less hard on yourself moving forward?

Um, I can notice the things that I'm proud of myself on more and not only have one good thing to say about myself and like just like talk about the good things and notice that stuff.

Well, and what we focus on expands. Do you know that?

No.

So if you focus on the things that you're not doing, then that tends to grow and look bigger. If you focus on the things that you're proud of and the things that you like that you're doing, then that grows and you notice more of that. So it's like whatever you focus on, you get more of.

Yeah, and I've— I don't know if you've probably heard this, like the saying that like you are who you surround yourself with. Like if you catch someone else like talking bad about themselves, like, you're gonna do it too.

Well, and don't let them. Like, you're really good at catching them. Like, don't just let your friends talk bad about themselves. Like, that's not gonna fly. They need you to tell them to cut it out. Yeah. So you are being a good friend every time I hear you say— I, I think you're a really good friend because I'll hear them being hard on themselves. Lily is on the phone all the time. Her friends live my house, and I will hear them say something negative, and I'll hear you respond with, we're not going to talk about ourselves that way, or you're not going to say that about yourself, or cut it out. Like, I really like that you do that, and now I want you to bring that all back to yourself. So now when you do it, I want you to say, cut it out. We're not going to talk about ourselves that way.

I will.

So, so leave me with a tip to help you be less hard on yourself. Something that your mother can do.

Oh, something you can do.

Well, why don't we, why don't we leave this podcast with homework, homework for you What are you going to do to be less hard on yourself? And what am I going to do to support that?

Okay, so I'm going to like, I'm going to note every— I'm going to say for like my goal for 2026 is to write down one thing every day that I'm proud of myself for. And then you're going to like say, like, I feel like hearing your mom say you're proud of you for something always hits. So like just saying like you're proud. Of something that I did, I guess.

I'm proud of so many things, so many things. Okay, I would like to tell them a few of those things and then I will let you go. I am proud of Lily for mostly— I know I'm gonna glaze her and embarrass her. I'm proud of her heart because she has the sweetest heart and I love seeing how nurturing and sweet she is to others. I'm proud of the hard worker she is, and I love seeing her succeed at so many things, including school and sports. I love that she goes all in on things. It makes me very proud. I love seeing her be captain of both of her cheerleading teams and be such a good leader and such a good cheerleader, regardless of how many tumbling skills that she has. She's in a— she's a phenomenal cheerleader with or without tumbling. I am so proud of even like the little— I mean, it's not so little. She will make herself the most healthy meal. I'm proud of how well you take care of yourself, and I'm excited to see who you become in this next year.

Yes.

And I want to tell you something that I'm really proud of myself for. Oh my God, your father just told me that I am number 20 in listed at in the parenting podcasts. Oh my God, and I am very excited to bring them lots of good 2026 content, and maybe I can get even higher than 20.

Yes, so proud of you.

I love when you're proud of me, and I love when I feel like a good mom. And I don't always feel like a good mom with you, but you have been the child to make me grow and develop my skills the most. So I will keep working on being an even better mom for you. And I want to thank you for your time on your vacation. I put my kids to work. Max did a podcast. On his first semester. Ella, Lily did a podcast on being hard on herself. What's Ella gonna do?

She's gonna do, um, how to— something about doing too much work.

So I love having wonderful guests on the podcast. I have so many wonderful women lined up for the year, but I love when my kids are on my podcast and my husband, so I want to do both.

Do you agree?

Do you have any— do you have any advice for me for my podcast in the next year, um, or my content?

Take everything slow and realize like what you've accomplished. Like, you've done so much, and like, you, you just work so hard.

You know, you're one of my greatest accomplishments. Achievements, blessings, whatever. Anyways, I'm gonna let her go back to her vacation, and I want to thank everyone for making 2025 such a successful year for me. Thank you for, uh, sharing this podcast with someone you think needs to hear it. Thank you for bringing your mom friends into the Winey Palooza mom, uh, community. And you can go to wineypalooza.com and see lots of content, and my Linktree with all of my stuff. And thank you, Lily. I love you.

Welcome. Love you.

This is Rebecca Greene, and I want to remind everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thank you for tuning in to the Whiny Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time. This show has been produced by Market Domination LLC. To discover how you can have your own show completely done for you and turn it into a real published book and become the authority in your marketplace, go to www.marketdominationllc.com/podcastoffer.