Episode 523: Building Confidence From the Inside Out

No need to whine, it's whiny palooza. Have some wine and join us on the whiny palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the whiny palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood.

You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever.

I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Greene for the Whiny Palooza podcast, and I am very excited this morning because I get to talk to the fantastic Teresa Pag— wait, Paganini. Did I do that right?

You are dead on.

You know what, I've been up since 6. I'm a little tired. I need a nap.

This I get. This I get.

So, um, I want to tell you that it's Monday morning and I, I did all this research, looked over everything, and I was like, who better to start my week with than you? I mean, you are just— I, I told you I love what you're doing. Um, let me tell you about Teresa so you know why I'm so excited. She is the founder of eLove8— could that be any better? That name is amazing— and a no-nonsense self-love mentor who helps women over 40 rebuild confidence from the inside out. For over 12 years, Teresa has guided women to break lifelong patterns of self-doubt and replace them with a consistent self-love practice that leads to real change. Her work goes far beyond self-care, helping women show up with confidence in their bodies, relationships, careers, and everyday lives. Through her eLove8 program, Teresa empowers women to love themselves unapologetically and build confidence that lasts even when life gets hard. So now everybody knows why I'm so excited to talk to you. I need you. Everybody needs you. Okay, but first I have to ask, like, what inspired this? Like, how did you become a self-love mentor?

Yeah. So if you meet any coach, they're going to tell you they had their own journey. And so now they help others because their own journey. Right. So I battled what I think most of us battle based on all of our upbringings. It always starts from the past. And the past isn't to blame. I call it our because, not our blame. Oh, I like that. Right. So my because is from my past and I had a habit of self-rejection. And as a result, excuse me, I had a habit of eating disorders, whether it was binge eating or it was anorexia, but it was always for the purpose of being accepted. And I was— I, through observation, I had learned young weight's your culprit for everything. And so when I experienced self— when I experienced rejection outwardly, it kind of mirrored the rejection I felt inwardly. And so the eating disorders happened. But it was more than that, right? An eating disorder is— when you say that, you think it's just weight and food, but there's so much more to that. And so, you know, I would— when there was cool opportunities, I would say no, I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't capable enough. I didn't want people to see me or judge me. I couldn't risk failing. And so I was not living the life that I wanted. And there was a specific failure that happened that I— it really basically gave me a came-to-Jesus talk to myself of, is this really what I want? And the answer was no. And what I recognized is that I was the problem, which is great because that means I'm also the solution. And I just simply had to make the choice Am I willing to live differently? Because that's the answer— willingness. So if I'm willing to act differently, speak differently, think differently, I will then live differently. And so put myself through that journey, and a couple of decades later, I'm a pretty confident person. And so recognizing I am not alone in this self-rejection problem. And so the opposite of self-rejection is self-acceptance, obviously. And so we do that by showing how many times we love ourselves. And it's an actual daily thing we need to actively do because the world is constantly tearing us down. Yeah, there's so much messaging, there's so much on the media and on TV everywhere that's, um, promoting the self-rejection. And so we have to actively elevate ourselves through this consistent self-love program or practice.

I mean, I don't necessarily think that people know what self-love is and what it looks like. Can you tell people?

Absolutely. So self-love is often confused with self-care, right? So making sure, you know, when I feel run down, I go get my manicure, pedicure, making sure, right, like I take a nap if I'm exhausted. And that's true. But self-care is an aspect of self-love. But self-love is so much bigger. Self-love is being willing to prioritize your needs and wants to the top of your list. Your self-love is ensuring there's, uh, reciprocity in your relationships, even with your children. If you're going to give, you're going to ensure you also receive. Self-love is ensuring you're showing self-respect as well as getting respect from other people. Self-love is standing tall in your truth. And being okay if there's conflict or disagreement. And so self-love is really about being true to who you are, accepting who you are in all of your glorious imperfection, and being rooted and unapologetic on this is me, take it or leave it, but this is me. I love me, I accept me. How you feel about me, not my business. I like that.

I like— we all, we all need to listen to that whole thing. I mean, you know, I know I'm so many other mothers. This is why I'm going to say this, because, because we need your help. So as you're— I'm so sorry, I don't want to be difficult, but it's how I feel.

Difficult.

Okay, so you're— as you're explaining all that to me, you know, I'm a mom of 3 kids. 2 cats, dog, husband, fish. Add it all, add it all, like add it all, all the stuff, the work, the errands, the everything that we do. So I'm, I'm hearing you, like I hear it. You have to put your needs and wants first. I think, I think if I'm honest, if I'm really authentic here, I don't think I know how to do that because we're all so busy that like I'm going over my dog's schedule of what I— like the whole day of his meds and everything, and I'm realizing I'm forgetting my own vitamins. Do you know what I'm saying? So how, how do we fit in and prioritize ourselves with everything clouding our brain with all of our, our demands?

So I'm going to give you the simple answer, and then I'm going to give you the, the truth answer. How do you know your dog's, your dog's medical schedule?

Just wrote it all out.

Yeah. So write out yours, right? If, if the dog can make it onto the calendar, you can make it onto the calendar.

Yeah. Right.

That's the simple answer. Yeah. I will say the tougher, more authentic answer is trust. Now tough with the dog, right? The dog. But if the dog That was my dog. I don't know if you heard him. Um, my dog was like, did you say dog? Uh, if the dog, you know, without the opposable thumbs, can't give itself medicine, right? Obviously that dog is dependent on you. But what I do find is the most disservice we do to both ourselves and our children is we don't trust our children to take care of themselves.

That's true.

We don't trust them to be the smart little human beings that were built for survival. We treat them like they're glass, and then they become glass. Resiliency is very, very low in the world right now because we don't trust our little babies to figure it out. And we're Gen Xers. We figured it out.

Yeah, we did. We did.

And we are dominant. We own businesses. We, we, Nobody can knock us down. Yeah, we had so much freedom when we fell down. Nobody was there to go, oh, poor baby. So we just got up. It was no big deal to fall down. Falling down was kind of fun. We giggled about it. We're like, eee, and then moved on. Right? We were hanging out until dark. Our parents had no idea where we were unless a neighbor called in to say, I see her.

That's true. It's very true.

And yet our kids aren't allowed out of our sight, like, ever. And so there's no ability to prioritize ourselves because there is no time. Because of our lack of trust in our husbands to figure it out, in our coworkers to figure it out, in our children to figure it out. The dog, I get. But even the dog can wait an hour before he gets his food. Like, it's okay.

Yeah. It's like what I'm hearing, it's like the control. It's like we want control. I mean, I know I'm not alone because I talk to so many moms. We want control. All of it. And then we leave no time to love ourselves.

And what I think is interesting, I think part of the control is life is chaotic with so much in it. We feel like we can only handle the chaos with control, except we've created the chaos. Like, this life is the life we created.

Yeah.

Which means we can, we can control ourselves and how we approach it. And once again with— not once again, I haven't said this yet, but with social media and this comparisonitis. Right. And we want to make sure we're presenting like we are. We've got our stuff together and our kids are fantastic. My kid's the smartest kid on the planet and he's in 52 sports and I am at the head of the PTA and oh, look, my dog won the Westminster and Right. So we're focused on the wrong thing. We're once again, what other people think is not our business. But then when we make our life try to reflect what we want other people to think, we lose control.

Yeah, I know. And it's interesting. If mothers actually look at their kids, they want to do it themselves. So that gives us more time, which we need.

Yes. And I know moms, I'm sorry, you're gonna hate me, but consequences are okay. Like your kid could go hungry one meal. They won't die. It's true. It's okay.

Yeah, it's true.

Like our, my stepkids, look, I, I know me, I was doing laundry by 8, you know, I, my, the stepkids were doing their laundry by 8 years old. They all had chores. I don't clean the kitchen ever. That's your job. If I'm cooking, you're cleaning. That's how this goes. If you help me cook, you clean less. So you pick which chore you prefer, but you're doing a chore. Uh, you know, like even at 3 years old, give them the silverware from the dishwasher and be like, okay honey, I'm gonna give you a stool, put this away. And even if they put it away wrong, so what?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fork's the fork.

You'll find it. Right. And it just— we're doing too much.

We're doing too much. Problem number one is we're doing too much. Now, I know that you really focus on women over 40. So tell us how that happened.

Well, that happened because what I've noticed— so I've been in the self-love space for over a decade. Most of it was in a body space, like loving your body and Now it's, it's bigger than that. But working with women for as long as I have, I have found that it's not until you've hit your 40s that you're willing to look at yourself and go, yeah, I have created a very chaotic, exhausting life and I really would like something different. When you're in your 20s and 30s, you're immersed in the chaos and thinking, I can do it all. You're still young, you're energetic, you believe you're right. Once you hit 40, you're like, I could be wrong. I don't know.

It's really accurate.

Yeah, maybe, just maybe there's a different way. I don't know, I'm feeling a little more open.

Oh my God, that's so good that you've identified that. I think all women would agree with that. And, um, you know, I think that I hear lots of patterns of self-doubt. Like, what kind of patterns are you seeing?

Well, the greatest patterns honestly are what's in your head. So there's a lot of noise in our heads. There's a lot of chatter. And the problem is we give into the chatter. We let the chatter continue, right? It's kind of like parenting. When your kids start squabbling, when you're just like, I'm too tired to deal with this, and you let them squabble, all of a sudden you feel your anxiety going up to here and you're like ready to blow up. Well, those little kids are living in your head and they're just constantly angel devil, right? Like, your voice is there. Your voice is always actually the good voice. The natural you that wasn't trained for self-rejection will look in the mirror and go, damn, you look good. But then the devil's like, you're not allowed to like you. And so like, how dare you say you look good? No, you don't. Like, you know you need to lose another 20 pounds. How dare you wear a dress? Like, what, your hair's, your hair's kind of frizzy, haven't you noticed? And your smile doesn't look like Janet's. So, right, like, all of a sudden, that's not your voice. And so what we need to do, uh, as women is make the decision to evict little devil guy over here. Yes, victim, and get it out. So that's the commonality, the feelings of not enough. No matter what you do, you're not enough. That's common. And it's due to that voice in your head that's not yours. It feels like yours, but it is a learned voice. And because you learned it, you can unlearn it.

So can you talk about ejecting the voice? How do they begin to do that?

Sure. So the first thing is to identify the fact that it's not yours. So I recommend generally give it a name. Mm. And so for some people, they give it the name of the person they're hearing, right? So a lot of times it's their because from their past. And so they're like, okay, Mom, you don't belong here. That is not my belief. That is your belief. Get out. They give it back to their because. Yeah, I call it my gremlin. Gremlin skeeved me out back when that was a movie. And they're just ugly, evil. And so that voice is ugly and evil. So I call it my gremlin. And so it doesn't have to be like, hello, Karen, and get out of my head. It doesn't have to be like— it can be a name. It can be Mom. It can be Dad. It can be Aunt Susie. It could also just be bully, devil, gremlin, whatever. But give it a name. Remind yourself that's not you. And when the, when the voice starts kicking, you need to immediately shut it down. Gremlin, you are not welcome here. Get out. And it doesn't have to be out loud, but it has to happen. And then whatever it's, however it's trying to tear you down, step 3 is build yourself back up. Right? So if you're looking at a mirror and you're going, I look good. And then the gremlin gets going and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh-uh, not today, not today. You know what? In fact, like, for just hopping out of my bed, you don't look that big of a hot mess right now.

You look fantastic. I told you, I'm so impressed.

So you start building yourself up and being like, you know what, actually, I think my hair looks great today and my eyes are nice and bright. Look at that smile. Who wouldn't love that smile, right? And you, you start building yourself up and negate what the gremlin said. And then you put your shoulders back and down and you walk away from that mirror and you go tackle that day.

Love this. I love this. And I feel like talking to yourself in the mirror is underrated. I feel like people don't realize how precious and valuable that is.

So people think it's silly, right?

We're all—

once again, we're worried about other people's judgment. Our lives are built around other people's judgment. And if you could just let that go, you would You look in the mirror because tell me when your husband isn't having a tough day, you don't get in front of him, grab him by the lapels and be like, you're fantastic. Yeah, I love you. I wouldn't be with you if you weren't great. You're a great guy. So listen to me. Sometimes we need to look in the mirror, grab us by the lapels and be like, you're a great girl. I love you. You're mine. Like, win it. So the purpose of talking in the mirror is we all need that pep talk. And honestly, the only one tearing us down generally is us, because nobody should have that power.

Yeah.

Somebody can walk right up to me and be like, you know what? You're not that bright. I don't know why you think you should be the authority on self-love.

Oh God.

And if I'm unshakable and if I'm unapologetic, I can be like, thank you for your opinion. Why don't you tell me more about that? Why do you think that? Mm. Right. That's unshakable. That's self-love and self-confidence because you're like, okay, they have They may have good food in there for me. Right? Because obviously I'm not landing with someone. But that doesn't mean I have to own it. I don't have to agree with it.

Yeah. Yeah.

And so when we—

hit the reject button more often.

Yes. And the curiosity button.

Yes.

Right? Somebody's— somebody's got an opinion. Be curious. It's not personal to you. Somebody could call me butt ugly. That's their opinion. The next person next to us be like, wow, you're gorgeous. I'll be like, well, that's confusing. It's not if my opinion is the only one that matters.

Yes. Yes. Which is very hard. I love that you're saying that. It's an interesting journey to get to that point.

And you know what I would say? The more you talk to yourself in the mirror. Yeah. The more you evict the bully in your head. And sorry, the less time you spend on social media and in front of the TV.

Oh my God, don't tell them that. That's where I work. No, I'm kidding.

Well, except for this. Except for this.

I'm just kidding. No, you're right.

You're right. But I'm serious, right? Like, if you— if you're on social media following Rebecca Greene, following Brené Brown, following Mel Robbins, right? And you're following the positive voices. Yes, that's fine.

Yes.

But when one of the things I noticed about women is I want to be a better, better mother. So then they follow this like crazy Uber mom and instead of feeling like, okay, let me do that. They were like, oh my God, I suck as a mother, man. She does so much in a day. I can't, I, oh my God, I'm failing. That's not uplifting. Unfollow her. That is not helping you. Yes. Lose weight and follow the ripped chick. I'm like, you're never going to be ripped like that. It's her living. Unfollow her. Like, this is not helping you.

So is it lifting you up or is it bringing you down?

You got it.

I love that. That's really good.

Yeah. Comparisonitis becomes a lot less when you stop watching the people that make— whether they're friends of yours, because even friends and family are like, oh, that is not helpful. We're going to silence you. It's okay.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think it's easier. I think the wake-up call for me that I want to share in case it is helpful is that I hear myself talk to my friends and I'm so kind and supportive and sweet. And then I was hearing myself talk to myself and I'm like, why are you nice to them? But you're not nice to yourself. And why is that fair to you? And I got mad.

What? That's great. You got mad at your bully.

Yes. Yes, I did. I did. And that's—

you're bullying, right?

So then the change started to happen because I was like, I wanna be nice to myself too.

You deserve it. Yes. I love that.

So we want self-love. We want self-confidence. How do we know when we've gotten there, where we're like confident and unshakable? And what does that look like?

It's a journey and it's a never— it's not binary.

No.

So I am a lot more confident, unshakable. Well, I'm definitely unapologetic. I've gotten that one down. The unshakable— I'm unshakable probably 75% of the time. And I'm about— I'm over two decades into this journey. It's not binary. It's not like you're confident or you're not confident. What you'll find is you're feeling more confident by degrees. And so when you practice and in the program that I've got, you know, it's a lot of different things that as you practice all of these different things, you'll start realizing small things. You'll walk into a room and you'll make eye contact and smile at a stranger, and maybe you wouldn't have done that before. You're going to realize that when you leave the house every single day, you like what you see in the mirror. You're going to recognize when somebody gives you a compliment, you're okay to sit back and just say thank you. You're going to be okay to being in a picture. When somebody asks you for a favor, you're not going to immediately jump and say yes, but stop and go, you know what, I don't know, let me check my calendar, I'll let you know. These are all little things, but really big things.

Really big. Yes.

Right. And yes, it's It takes practice. For what it took for me to be able to say thank you, to receive a compliment, was years of practice. Now I can say thank you, but it took years to, to have posture of where, like, I'm okay being seen. Years of practice. I had to tell you, every time I walk past a window, I'd be like, oh, okay, fix that. Every time I'd walk into the mirror, oh, I was always shrinking, like, don't look at me. But I was like, nope, look, you're going to constantly fix that. And it's uncomfortable. Suck it up, kid. You don't want to be the person you are. Fix it. And now I never have to worry about my posture. So it's by degrees.

Yeah, that makes sense. And I feel like, you know, I was going to ask you about your relationship with food. I feel like it's all a daily journey. Like, it's not like you Solved it and it's over.

No, not none of this is right. But what I'll tell you is, is that my battle with food is so minimal now. I mean, it's very, very minimal now. When you own your emotions, when you own your feelings, you no longer need to hide. And that's what the role of food is. Also, the food— people say food is comfort, but when they really look at their behavior, food is punishment. Because I got in a fight with my husband and I can say I'm pissed at him, but honestly, I'm pissed at me because I did not stand up for myself. Oh, and I don't want to focus and I don't want to look at that. So I'm going to binge and then I can be mad at myself for that.

Oh, goodness.

That's easier because that I don't have to worry about fixing. If I am upset that I didn't talk back to my husband or I didn't speak up for myself, then I actually have to do that next time.

Yeah.

And I don't, I don't wanna, right? So when you actually become more confident and you're willing to be like, you know what, that's unacceptable. You're not gonna speak to me that way. And you can get out until you fix it, right? Like when you can do, like when you're like, and the, your husband's like, wait, what?

Oh yeah.

That is, come again. Reenter the room. Try again.

That is excellent.

Right? When you, when you don't get, feel like you got run over by your kids. You're not going to need to dive into a dozen donuts. The food loses its power when you feel your own power, to be honest. Mm-hmm.

That's—

and that's really why food has become such a crux. Mm-hmm.

It's true. It is very true for so many people. Well, and I think that, you know, the low confidence shows up in so many ways. In our relationships, at work? Can you talk— can you talk about how it's showing up?

Absolutely. So there are so many facets in life, right? One, it's— it's the aesthetics. We really get stuck there. Two, it is parenting. We— we never feel like we're enough. We're very, very worried about messing up our kids. And I don't get mad, but all of my mom clients, I will tell them straight up, you are going to mess up your kids. So stop worrying about it. You have no idea what you say one day that they're going to hold on to for the rest of their lives. And to you, as like a non-entity, like, you need to let that go. Yeah, this is part of their journey. You're on your journey, they're on their journey. Let them live their journey. Also, let it go, right? Uh, relationships— when we are more concerned whether they like us than whether we like them, it's a problem. Yes, when we're more concerned that they'll leave us rather than I'm done, I'll leave you, it's a problem because once again, they're higher than us in the hierarchy and nobody is responsible for taking care of us except for us. So our number one priority, I don't care if you're a mom or a wife, you are still your number one priority if you want to be the best mom and the best wife, right? And so in relationships, when you're putting others above you, that reciprocity is not there. There's no, there's no respect for you, or not the right level of it. There's not the right level of appreciation for you. There's not the right level of acceptance of you because you're allowing it. And so, right, and then in jobs it's that same thing. I'm afraid to rock the boat. Why? I promise you, you'll get a different job. Right? Like, and so I'll give you a great story. This is so relevant. So my husband's cousin, female, uh, was very dissatisfied in a job. She wasn't getting anywhere and she'd been there for a while. So finally, finally made the decision to apply somewhere else, got an offer, put in her resignation. They called her, uh, her current company, the one where she was gonna resign, called her and was like, hey, hey, hey, we wanna take you out to lunch on a Saturday. Mm. Took her to lunch. They gave her a $30,000 raise, a car allowance, a new title, all because she was like, and I'm done. Wow. And I'm not making this up. This literally was the conversation at dinner last night. And I was like, amazing, right? We, when we know what we're worth, we get it.

Yes.

And we're so worried we're not worthy. We even the, and that's the bully again. Yes. Right. The bully's telling you, you can't, you're not qualified. You're not qualified. That's the number one. Voice we hear about work for women. We're not qualified. Why? No, the men aren't qualified either. They just have the balls to go after it. Fake it. Go for it.

Oh my gosh, that is so true. This is all so good. We all need to hear everything you're saying. And, you know, I think you'll agree with me that one of the places it shows up the most is when I hear women talk about their bodies. Yes, you know, and I'm not saying that I'm perfect and innocent. I just hear so much, uh, crit— self-criticism of their bodies.

So, and I'm not perfect or innocent either, just so you know. No, it's hard in the world we live in. Yes, it's hard. You're never good enough when it comes from a body image unless you have that perfect Instagram body. Who's got time for that? And who's got the genetics for that?

Well, and like, where did we get this word perfect from? Like, does it even exist? I just— I mean, how do we help women love their bodies more?

Compliment them. So one of the— one of the steps in my program is nothing more than I want you to compliment 3 to 5 people today. Oh, I want you to look them in the eye and compliment them because we feel good when we make other people feel good, but we're so afraid of rejection. We, we stay in our little bubble and I'm like, get out of your bubble. Go make somebody feel good. Yeah. And if we— I can't tell you every time I'm outside of my house, I have no idea who these people are. I am talking to strangers left and right like, oh girl, that hair, I love it. Look at those earrings. I love, I love people and I love people loving people. So I— and they love it. I've yet to ever have somebody reject a compliment from me.

Oh my God.

I've never had anybody be mean to me or reject me when I'm like, your eyes are amazing. A waitress, I was like, I love your lips. What lipstick do you have on? So literally she got out a napkin and she's writing down the lipstick brand, the colors. The whole table was like, we were on our phone looking up lipstick right then and there. She's like guiding us. It was so fun.

Oh, I totally agree. I totally agree with you. I, you know, I had told you that I drive, um, a bunch of girls to school, and, you know, one of them will hop in the car and I'm like, you smell so good, what perfume are you wearing? And you just see how happy it makes them. The compliments make people feel so good.

They do. And what I will say for when you're complimenting your own sisters— and I don't mean blood sisters, I mean your sister's sisters— yeah, when they don't just automatically say thank you Call them on it.

And that's a problem.

Yes. Oh my God.

They like— they— the things that they come back with, I'm like, own the compliments, own it.

And the more we do that where we don't accept anything less, neither will they. They need to see that they're safe.

Yeah.

And right. So when they do that and we let them, we're telling them I agree. You're not safe here with me. But when we don't let them and we're like, stop that. Nope. Try again. Try again. This is how I learned this. My husband. Oh my gosh. So I was still a hot mess when we met and I was farther along on my journey, but not that far. And he was horrified because I'd say the worst things and he's like, no, that is not allowed here. Try again. And then it took like 5, 10 tries before he's like, I'll accept that. That's acceptable. And man, he was on me. So we need to be on our sisters, we need to be on our kids, we need to be on our husbands. Everybody does it now, that self, you know, shrinkage.

I do not— I want you to know I do not allow it. I do not allow it. I'm like, that— you will not talk that way about yourself. I will never— I, I just— it It pushes my buttons like, no, you will cheerlead for yourself.

That's right. And then I hope you yell at yourself the same way when you don't do it.

I'm kidding. You know, it's— we have to redirect it. That's— that is the new journey for me, is I'm really good with everyone else and now I'm redirecting it. That's— that's newer, but I'm doing it.

I'm so proud of you. It's hard. We were told we're selfish. We're not. It's our job.

Well, and so, so talk about that, because we do, we do think we're selfish when we prioritize ourselves. So how do we get rid of that willingness?

It goes back to that. So women were always community-based. That's how our survival happened. Men were out hunting. We were ensuring the community, the home, was functional, was working together, supported each other. So we've always been givers and we've always looked outward because the community was our responsibility. But back in the old times when there were no cars and there wasn't, you know, we weren't driving from— I live in Phoenix— from Phoenix to Tucson, an hour and a half away because there weren't cars. We had a very small bubble. And inside that small bubble was like 30 women that worked together to create an established community. And so there was no selfishness there because we had our sisterhood, a real sisterhood at that point of like, okay, this is our bubble. We don't know anybody else, probably never will. And we're going to work together for our, for our health, our happiness, our survival. Well, we've evolved out of that. We have all of these you know, modern-day things that have separated us from our sisterhood. But we still have the drive to take care of the community. We still have the drive for home and hearth. But now we're alone.

Yes.

And I think that's where the selfish comes in, because we're like, our job is to create this community. Our job is to keep everybody happy and healthy and safe. And our job but we don't have the sisterhood that was really making that viable. And so now we need to let our brain catch up with our— the rest of our evolution of we aren't solely responsible for home and hearth anymore. We aren't solely— we aren't really— we don't really have to worry that much about survival anymore. Let's be real. So now it's absolutely okay because of all of our modern conveniences The kids need us less than ever, to be honest. There's automatic dog feeders, for God's sakes. The dog doesn't even need us. You know, we can— we have the bandwidth, the space. It's allowance. Are we, are we willing to allow ourselves to love ourselves?

Yeah. Yeah, it's true. We have to learn that. We have to learn it. It's, it's not— I feel like it's not natural.

It's not natural just because of all the messaging, but I would say it's part of that mirror conversation. If every morning you walk in and you go, I love you, I'm going to protect you today. Yeah, I am going to show you how much you're loved today because I believe you're worth that. And you know what, I'm not even sure I buy that, but I know I should buy that. So we're gonna fake it till we make it. I'm gonna love you today. Like, if, if that's our morning conversation, that's helpful.

Well, and the other thing that really helps me is that I have these children watching me, and I'm like, I want them to take time for themselves, to love themselves, to make themselves a priority. So if they don't see me doing it, how are they going to learn to do it?

And that's how I usually convince my mothers to do this, because I'm like, look, Here's the deal. Your kids are going to become you.

Yes. Yes.

So if you are a stressed out, high anxiety, unhappy, frazzled mess, you are going to raise children because your children aren't listening to a word you're saying. They're just watching you.

Yes.

And so who do you want your kids to be? You have to be that woman.

Yes. And that's very, very motivating. Very.

Yep.

Couldn't agree more. So you see transformations, you see marriages saved, you see Careers saved. Tell us, like, the common themes that you're seeing that are making these things better.

It's everything I just said, to be honest. It's people that are doing the practice. Yeah, it's the people that are doing the work. Yeah. They're wanting something is easy. We all want things.

Yeah.

Doing the work to get it is not easy. And it's the people that are doing the work that are seeing the transformations. I tell you, you'll even see it on my website. I have an FAQ of who my practice is for and who it's not. The not program is if you want to throw money at something and say, oh, I'm in a self-love program because you're paying for it. I'm sorry, the money is not paying for something is not going to make you love yourself. And I don't want your money. I'm not a big box gym. You actually have to show up. Yeah. So and not show up. My program doesn't involve any showing up. It— but it— you need to show up for you. And if you're not going to put in the work, I don't want a dime. Like, duh, I'm not your girl.

Really smart. So the practice, the practice, the consistency— I feel like that's the answer to so many things, right?

Yes.

So the woman listening who thinks it's too late, can you talk to her?

Oh my God, it's not too late. I can tell you that right now. It is not too late because if you haven't heard, it's little things.

Yeah.

Learning to say thank you. Learning to put your shoulders back. Speaking to yourself in the mirror. It's being able to look at someone else and not expect rejection and put yourself out there and give a compliment. It's when somebody asks you for a favor, doing nothing more than saying, ooh, you know what? Let me check my schedule first versus immediately going, sure. They're not— I'm not telling you to say no. I'm telling you to give yourself space to figure out, do you have the bandwidth, right? It's not too late because I'm not asking you to climb a mountain. I'm not asking you to be someone else. I'm asking you to be you. And that means evicting the bully. And that— and practice is the opposite of perfect. If you're perfect, you don't need practice. And this is a lifelong practice. I don't want any of you to be perfect. I don't expect any of you to be perfect. I expect you to practice. And practice means falling down and failing. Practice means getting up and learning. Practice means, oops, didn't do it that day. Let me do it today. Practice is grace.

Yes. Yes to all of that.

And it's never too late. You can be 85 years old and you one day look in that mirror and go, you know what, at 85 you are absolutely freaking beautiful. Done. You just did it.

That is amazing. And I know, as you do from talking to so many women, that somebody is listening who feels really stuck today.

Yeah.

So can you leave them with, you know, where to get started today, what they can do?

Yeah. So I, and I don't mean this as a self-promotion, but if you do go to Elevate in any of the social medias, it's like a Rebecca Greene. It's going to be an uplift. Every— I don't post for the sake of posting. I post for the sake of transforming. So my posts are always going to provide nuggets or insights specific to self-love. Um, and Elevate, E-L-O-V-E-A-T-E. Because I'm elevating people through love. So yeah, you can find me anywhere on social media through that. Well, really just Instagram and Facebook, but I would say there's that. And then figure out where your confidence is the most shaky. Is it your body? Is it your relationships? Is it your parenting? Is it your career? And make the choice to do one thing today to build your confidence there, right? It could be from a, from a body perspective. It could be every single day, dress to impress yourself. No more baggy sweats. I know they're comfortable. You're not impressed with you when you wear them.

No, no.

So dress to look in that mirror and say, damn, you look good. And that could be the one change, and that's it for your relationship. I want you to look in the mirror and say, as much as you love that person, you love you too. And say that every day. I love you too. And remind yourself of your worthiness to be equal in that relationship, in your parenting. Trust your kids. Give them something that you're currently doing for them. Stop making their lunch. Every kid can make a PB&J. Let them make their lunch. Stop at 18 years old still waking them up in the morning. They've got enough technology, I'm sure, to have an alarm. I, I can't tell you how many moms I know are still waking up their 18-year-olds and making them lunch. I'm like, oh my God. Yeah, well, you deserve to be tired. That's stupid. Stupid. Um, sorry, like, I love you, like, do— like, stop doing something. And then when it comes to your career, I want you to consider looking at what do you want to do in this. If you— if you're working for someone, is there another role you want? And then maybe, just maybe, you sit down with your boss to say, hey, I'm interested in this over here. Can you help create a career path for me? What do I need to learn? What classes do I need to take? Who do I need to mentor? Can you help me create a career path? You're not walking in saying, hey, I want that job, can I have it?

That is excellent advice. That is all so good. And I love the— okay, I love the advocating at work because, because women really need that. But I love the stop doing something. We need to stop doing something. We do too much and then we wonder why we're exhausted.

Yes. Right. I, I look, I, I would say people are like, are you part of the 5 o'clock club? Are you familiar with the term the 5 o'clock club? And I'm like, why are you proud of that? Go to bed.

I am not going to be part of that.

Well, and it's like a, it's a thing of pride. And I'm like, yeah, you're exhausted. You may look amazing and you may get a lot done, exhausted. Like, no, no, don't be a part of the 5 o'clock club. Sleep. It's okay.

I do like sleep. I do like sleep a lot.

Sleep is— people are so focused on health right now, and yet the number one most important thing to your health is sleep. And it's the number one thing. We're like, no, I wake up at 5 and I do this and I don't go to bed till midnight. I'm still doing that stuff. And I'm like, okay, don't be proud of that because you're killing yourself. I go to sleep.

Yes, yes. Well, and you know, I think you're fabulous and you know I want everybody to go find you. So like, tell us your website.

Sure. So it is Elevate, E-L-O-V-E-A-T-E dot co, not dot com. Okay, that's important. Yes, dot co. Somebody already had elevate.com, dang it. Um, so elevate.co and then, uh, it's elevate.co for Facebook, it's Elevate.co for Instagram, and I have the same content on Instagram or Facebook. So pick the one you like and go there. Most of my followers, I find, even though Instagram is very popular, most of my followers are on Facebook.

Me too.

Yeah, Facebook is the place for our age. And if you want to, if you want to sell something, you go to Instagram. That's where people buy. But if you really want interaction and you want to gain knowledge, usually that's Facebook. And so, but I'm on both. I'm on LinkedIn. I work with a lot of professional women, so I'm there too. But— and that one is under my name. So LinkedIn is Theresa Paganini and I'm Theresa with an H. But go to the website. The website tells you what it is. I have my practice is something that fits into your day to day. The two things that people are always pushing back on is I don't have time and I don't have money. Well, it's a crazy cheap program and it goes in and insinuates into your day. You never have to see my face if you don't want to. It like it's just little things that you insinuate into your day that make a tremendous difference. And I'm simply there to tell you what to do so you don't have— it's not something else for you to think about. How do I build my self-love today? I don't know. Ask Teresa. That's the program.

Oh my God. Well, we— I told you, we all need you. And I so appreciate you jumping on up and doing this with me.

I knew it was so fun.

It was so fun. I knew it would be. And I think you're so fantastic, and I love the work that you're doing, and I really appreciate you sharing it with us.

Absolutely. And I, I love the ability— I really want this to become a movement. I want self-love to be the norm rather than self-rejection, and it's going to take all of us spreading the word. All of us supporting the messaging, all of us using the phraseology, all of us holding each other accountable for that to happen. So I appreciate you because I alone can't make change. And this is just so important for our world today. And so the more people like you that share a passion, that have a platform to help inspire other women, so like self-love, like, hey, did you love yourself today? If that could be like the new question, you know, and like when Did you say thank you today? Uh-uh. Did you give yourself a compliment today? Like, if we start holding each other accountable, this is the new norm. And that's my passion. So thank you, because you're really the power behind this, because you have so many women you can reach. And I hope they hear this and they help spread it too.

I do too. Please share this with a woman that you think— a friend, someone who you think needs to hear this, because We all need Teresa. So thank you, Teresa, so much.

Thank you so much. Thanks, Rebecca.

This is Rebecca Greene, and I want to remind everyone to spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. And let's direct the love to ourselves.

Thank you for tuning in to the Winey Palooza podcast. If you like what you heard, please be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. While you are there, Leave a review. I love to hear your feedback. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time.

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