Episode 527: Ella 17th Birthday Special

No need to whine, it's whiny palooza. Have some wine and join us on the whiny palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the whiny palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everyone, this is Rebecca Greene for the Whining Blues podcast, and I am a very excited mom because I I get to interview my fabulous daughter Ella because she is about to have her 17th birthday.

Isn't that crazy?

I can't— you see that I can't even say it. That's crazy. How are you turning 17?

I don't know.

Weren't you just 3 years old? What happened? Don't know.

They grow up. They grow up.

Max is 19. Ella's turning 17. Whoo! When this podcast comes out, you will be 17 years old.

So cool.

And she is wearing her brown sweatshirt because we just went to tour Brown. And you look fabulous.

Thank you.

So I'm going to ask you questions about turning 17. Are you ready?

Yes. Okay.

What's one thing you're proud of from this past year?

I'm proud that I got more confident in myself over the past year. I feel like I'm really starting to learn who I am and I'm starting to be comfortable in my own skin. And that's something I've had to really work hard for. And that's something I really had to earn with myself. So I'm really proud of myself for finally feeling like I'm in a good spot.

That makes me so happy. Can you give people advice about how you got more confident?

I think time is just the best thing. You just need more time, more repetition of proving to yourself that you can do what you think you can and that you are someone who deserves to have someone who is going to constantly just bet on you and understand that you can do what you set out to. I'm sorry, I don't think I said that the best way I could have, but hopefully you get the gist.

Well, I want to say something about that because you don't just get confident with time, because there are people my age who are not confident. So I'm going to tell you, I think it's just like Can I tell you what you said?

Yes.

I don't think you realize what you said. I think that you have proven to yourself that you can do hard things, and I think that has given you confidence.

Yes, that's what I meant.

I think that's what you said.

Yes, having more times where you've proven to yourself that you can do things.

Well, that's awesome. I'm glad that you're proving to yourself that you can do hard things. I think the best thing parents can do is teach their kids that they can do hard things. So we don't want to bail our kids out. We don't want to— we don't want to have our kids avoid hard things. We want our kids to do the hard things and see that they can do it. So, um, what's your advice? Something you wish adults understood better about being 17?

I just wish they understood how different it is now than when they were children, because I just feel like 17-year-olds like now are way more attuned to everything that's going on in the world. And I think that's the nature of having the internet and social media. And I also think we also have less of an understanding of us, of where we are in our development, just because we're constantly interacting with people who are more developed than us. And we're also, by the nature of stuff like social media, we're having to learn how to grapple with, like, constantly knowing what's going on and, like, not even, like, what your friends are doing, more just, like, the world in general. And I think that's a really adult thing that we're almost being thrust into too early, and it's sort of been a struggle to learn how to navigate that.

Like, you're getting a lot of information that maybe I didn't have at your age.

Yeah.

And I do realize that being 17 now is completely different. I totally realize that.

I also think Just the idea that everyone's on their own timeline too. Like, 17 isn't going to look the same for everybody.

That's really good advice. That's really true, because you and your brother and your sister are so different.

For sure.

Every kid is so different. How do you feel like you handle all of the information, like information overload? Like, how do you manage that?

This is kind of cliché, but I just focus on what I can control.

Yeah, that's great.

I can't do much about a lot of what's going on that I would like to do something about. And I also think planning for the future has been really helpful and having a plan for myself and what I'm going to do with my future to sort of help fix some of the information I'm having now.

Yeah, that makes— that all makes a lot of sense. I love that you said you focus on what you can control, because the stuff that we can't control can drive us crazy if we let it, right?

You could spend all day worrying about all of the things, but you'd have no impact on any of them.

Yes, worrying does not do anything. People think that worrying does something, but worrying is not productive. It— they— it's like people think that if they spend time worrying, they're being productive, but they're not at all. They're just— they're wasting their energy.

Yeah.

So what's your comfort thing when you've had a rough day?

Hmm, I mean, this isn't the healthiest thing in the world, but I like to go on my phone. I like to read. Um, like to journal. Yes, I journal a lot. I actually wrote a blog about that today. Yes, it'll be out by the time this comes out, so go read it.

Yeah, whinyplousa.com. Yeah, we have— Ella and I have lots of blogs. She writes Teenage Tuesday on Tuesday. I write Whiny Plousa Wednesday on Wednesday. Um, what's a lesson you learned the hard way this year?

The only person who can do something for you is you.

Are you really 17 or are you like 52? People tell me that you're an old soul. How does that make you feel?

I don't really know. I don't really give much thought to it just because I, I don't know.

You don't know?

I think it's cute that people say that because I mean you can interpret that 10,000 different ways and I choose to focus on the positive.

Well, how else would you focus on that than positive?

Well, you know. Okay, she doesn't want to answer. I don't really like being called old at 17.

I know, I'm sorry. I mean, you're super young, super young. What's your favorite memory of us from when you're little?

From when I was little?

When you were little.

Um, I just always loved having my, uh, entourage at my shows. Like, I would always love— I would perform in a show and then I get to go out and I get to hug you guys, and that was always really special to me.

Oh, that's so sweet. You did have an on— you do have an entourage at any show that you do. If you could change— I know what you're gonna say— if you could change one rule at school, what would it be and why?

Um, I mean, I'm actually pretty satisfied with the way things are going at school right now, surprisingly. Okay, it's been a pretty good year.

Knock on wood, right?

Um, I guess I just wish we could have phones in our free periods. Like, I feel like that's a good middle ground, so I'll say that.

Yeah, I agree with you. They want you—

and I've written a whole piece about that in the Buffalo News if you want to go read it. I don't know if it's still there, but you can look for it.

They can find it. She was published in the Buffalo News. That was pretty cool, Ella. That's a pretty big accomplishment. Pretty cool. I'm sure you'll have a lot of things published over the years.

Hopefully.

Tell us what you think good teaching looks like at school.

Good teaching.

Hmm.

I mean, I feel like good teaching is like being able to explain concepts and being able to use examples and going deeper than just, let's go through a practice problem. Because while going through practice problems helps, there's, there's different kinds of learning, I guess. I can't remember the exact term for it. I should probably go study that. But, um, just learning through multiple ways. And it's also easier to remember things when you connect them. To like anecdotes. So I just feel like encouraging that, and also again, just really explaining the topics in depth is really helpful.

Yeah, that's true. That's all very true. What classes are you loving and why?

Um, I'm actually having a pretty good time in all of my classes. Like I said, it's been a pretty great year.

Um, tell everyone what Go ahead.

What were you saying?

Tell everyone what my favorite class that you're taking is.

AP Psych. I'm taking Advanced Placement Psychology, and I do really like that class. I think it's a really fun class. I love the person who teaches it. I love the way it's being taught, and the content is also really cool. So yeah, I do really love AP Psych. I'm also really liking AP US History.

I knew you were gonna say that.

Because I just love history. I love studying people and how they change, and, and history really is just how people affect the world they live in. So it's really interesting to hear about that, especially with my own country, just because last year in World, it was kind of hard to like relate to all of that because like I'm so far removed from that stuff. But like learning about the United States, I get to learn about like what put the systems in place that I'm seeing now.

That's really cool that you enjoy history. I love that you love history.

Thank you. Um, I also really like AP Bio this year.

Oh my God, my crazy kids. I'm so glad.

Yes.

Give a study skills tip.

A study skills tip.

Yeah.

Um, don't memorize, just make it make sense. That's my biggest thing for like science classes is that you don't want to memorize something. You want to like make it make sense logically because you're more likely to be able to logic it out again while you're on a test than being able to just remember it. And while it's not the most efficient strategy, it's the most fail-safe strategy in my experience.

That's really good because I used to memorize things for tests and then you don't retain it.

Yeah, and then it's out of your brain the second the test is over.

Yeah, that's really good. I wish I had that advice in high school. What's one friendship quality you value most? Hmm.

I think it's just loyalty and being there. I think that's so important. I think that's the whole point of having friends. Like, I have some really amazing friends who have been here for me for years now who I couldn't appreciate more.

It's true, you do. Um, what's something you're currently obsessed with?

Something I'm currently obsessed with? I mean, I've been throwing myself into school a lot. So I haven't had a whole ton of time for like my own obsessions, but I've been really into reading, specifically Toni Morrison. I'm reading some of her books right now. Yeah, and I'm kind of obsessed with them.

Yeah, you definitely go through phases. You seem to be kind of out of your Taylor phase.

I mean, I still love Taylor Swift, but I'm not like obsessed with her anymore.

Yeah, we all go through phases. Yeah. What's a fear you've gotten better at facing?

Failure. I feel like I've gotten more comfortable with like what I can do and what I can control and what the outcomes are. And actually, um, you and Dad have really helped with this because you just keep telling me it's the effort, not the outcome, and that has been really helpful.

Well, it's interesting to me because Like a perfect example is you or your sister will study so hard for a test, so I'm proud of you before you even go take the test because I see how hard you guys are studying. So I, I know that you have the skills and I know that you worked really hard no matter what you get. You know, you can't be upset at your child. I mean, as a parent My advice to parents is you can't get upset with your child for their grade if you saw them put in the effort, right?

Well, sometimes I'm gonna refute that because sometimes the effort isn't the right kind of effort. Yeah, like sometimes they need to figure out how to study better.

Yeah, sometimes they're not studying right, and sometimes they don't understand what's on the test. So like, I find that your sister's like, I didn't know that was going to be on the test, or they didn't teach us this, or You know, you're absolutely right. You're right. Um, what's something you want to try before you turn 18? Hmm, I don't know.

Maybe I want to try driving by myself. I think that'll be really cool if I ever get there.

Oh, you will, you will. That's a good goal. What's a compliment you love receiving?

Mm. This is kind of shallow, but I like being told I'm pretty. You just— because I feel like something I'm still grappling with is like how my looks have changed in the past few years. So compliments really help with that.

Well, I hope you know how pretty you are.

Thank you.

I know it's hard to be comfortable in your 17-year-old shoes, but you are very pretty.

Thank you.

And you're going to be even prettier tomorrow when you get your hair done. So when you picture future you, what do you hope she's doing?

Um, how far into the future?

You pick.

Um, well, in like 3 years, hopefully I'm at a college that I love, involved in their newspaper, and doing a bunch of stuff that I really love there. In like 10 years, I hope I'm living in New York City, either working at like a news station or starting my own show. Oh Lord, help me.

What do you picture for senior year?

For senior year? I picture a lot of college applications. I picture a lot of essays.

When are they due? Like for regular decision?

January, February, somewhere around there. Yeah, I also picture obviously all the fun stuff like senior sunrise and prom and graduation. I picture myself helping with speeches at graduation. I don't know which speech yet, but I want to try to be involved in one of them.

Oh, I hope so, because you give such good speeches. I hope you get to— I hope you get to give a speech for graduation. Um, so we were talking about college, so I want to ask you, you know, obviously I'll ask you when you go away to college, but how do you think you're gonna do away from home?

I actually don't know. I feel like it could go 10,000 different ways, and I don't want to judge myself prematurely. Um, I think I'm fully capable of being on my own. I mean, I'm sure it'll be a big adjustment, but I'm, I'm hopeful in my ability to make that adjustment.

Yes, agree. What's one piece of advice you'd give your 13-year-old self?

13? Um, you are so much more than you realize.

Oh, I love that. I hope Lily heard that. She just walked by. Lily is 13. Lily's 13.

Yes, she is.

What's one thing you want me to remember as your mom as you're growing up?

Um, I'm trying my best.

Well, you know I know that. I know that.

Um, yeah, that's all I can think of right now.

What's one thing that I'm doing well as your mom?

You are the most compassionate person I've ever met. I always feel like I have someone in my corner. I always feel very supported. And you also give really great advice that I've used a lot over the years. And I just think, you know, you've taught me so much about caring for other people.

Hold on, Lily, you got to get off the phone. We're recording a podcast. Lily, hang up. I have major background noise. I apologize if anyone heard that. This is real life in the greenhouse. With Lily near me on the phone. So Ella, finish what you were saying. I apologize.

You've taught me so much about like how you should treat other people and you've modeled just how you should go about life so well. And I just so appreciate it because so much of what a child is comes from their parents and parents give so much to their children. And I just feel like I've gotten so much from you and from Dad. And I just want to make sure that we both remember that and give you all the appreciation you deserve.

You make me feel very appreciated.

Thank you.

And I love being your mom, in case you didn't know that.

I love being your daughter.

Well, that's awesome. That makes me very happy. What's one thing that you would like me to work on as your mother?

Hmm. I mean, you're not perfect. Everyone is going to be imperfect. That's just the nature of being human. Yeah, I mean, I think you're pretty close, but, um, if there was one thing I had to say, I'd probably say just keeping calm. Yeah, I mean, that's something everyone can work on. I think calmness is such an important tool that we all can learn to master.

I mean, that is the epitome of my biggest goal is to stay calm. And I think that I've gone from highly reactive to a much better place, but I still react and I still work on it.

I definitely agree.

I think it's like the best gift you can give your kids is to be able to stay calm. So I know that, so I really try. I really try.

I think one of the best gifts you can give your kids is growing up with them. It's becoming more mature as you raise your kids.

Yeah. And, and trying to grow as a person. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think kids are super motivating because you want to become your best self for them.

Right.

Yeah, for sure. What is your dream school right now?

My dream school?

Mm-hmm.

Um, I think that was pretty obvious from the way I held up the sweater, but Brown.

What have you learned from your brother about going to college?

Trust the journey. You will end up where you're supposed to be. And that doesn't just apply to college, that applies to everybody. You know, there is a path that you are going to take, and even if it isn't the exact path you expect, it is still the one that is meant for you, and it is still going to lead you to where you're meant to go.

Tell everyone why you like Brown.

Why I like Brown? Uh, the short version is that I really like the open curriculum so I can take whatever classes I want. Um, I really like where it's located. It's really easy to get between a lot of major cities in that New England area, and I really love the opportunities that would be available to me there.

Hm, if only there was a direct flight, right? Um, you kind of told us what your dream job is.

Yep. I mean, my dream job is just anything creative where I get to make a difference.

That's awesome.

That's the main goal.

That is awesome. What is your greatest coping skill?

My greatest coping skill? I mean, I'm sure there are better coping skills in the world, and this is definitely something I want to improve on as I get older, but right now my greatest coping skill is probably just being able to detach and understand that I can control what I can control, and at some point I just have to stop worrying about it.

Oh, you mean not being super emotional like your mother?

I still am, but my gosh.

Well, I think that like journaling— like, I see you listening to music and I see you journaling and I see you reading— like, those are good coping skills.

Yeah.

What's a boundary you've learned to set this year that's helped you?

Hmm, I'm not the best at boundary setting. I think that's still something I've had to learn. Um, but I think just understanding when I'm at my breaking point is really helpful, and understanding like when it's time to step away from stuff, and also understanding when the effort isn't worth the outcome anymore, and also just understanding when I've learned enough from something.

I like all of that. I think the two things that I want you to know is that people treat you how you allow them to treat— how you allow them to treat you, and that we can overextend ourselves, you and I. So I just want to make sure that you have good boundaries on how much you're doing every day, right? You know, when you're at college too and you want to join everything, I want you to join everything, I just want you to be able to manage what you join.

For sure.

Yes. And, and being able to manage the amount of classes that you take, because all three of my children want to take too many classes. It's like a Greene thing.

Hey, I'm taking a free period next year.

I'm shocked. I'm absolutely shocked. So what's something you've changed your mind about recently?

Hmm, um, I guess recently I've changed my mind to sort of that I wanted to actually like— huh, I actually don't really know. I haven't changed my mind a whole lot recently, at least not that I can think of.

I mean, I will tell you that the whole world is shocked that you weren't in the musical.

Oh, well, I mean, that was kind of always a given for me this year.

Yeah, but that was a mind— that was a changing of the mind this year. You changed your mind.

So, like, within— I was thinking, like, the last couple weeks, but, like, over the course of the last year, yes, I changed my mind about doing the musical, and it's because I wanted to follow my heart and my priorities And I just felt like it was doing a disservice to myself to commit all of that time to something that I knew wasn't truly going to serve me in the end. And while chasing joy and chasing fun is a great thing, I also kind of understood that like, now is my time to learn and also now is my time to grow as a person. And I just felt like if I always stayed in theater, and always prioritized that, it was almost putting myself in a box. And I realized that I didn't really want to be in a box because that was doing, again, the multitude of stuff that I am capable of a disservice.

I understand. I totally understand. If they do a really good musical next year, are you going to do it?

Depends on the musical.

What's one moment you felt really seen or understood?

Um, Deli's speech at her bat mitzvah. That felt really sweet. And just the way she talked about her family and the way she talked about me made me feel like, oh, she actually does care, and oh, she actually does notice the things I do.

Do you remember what she said?

Not exactly, but I just remember being really happy about it.

Oh, I have to go look it up now. That makes me so happy. Um, what do you hope you will improve over the next year?

Hmm, I hope I learned to balance more and to relax more, as we both are, just because it's so easy to get all riled up, and it's also so easy to get fully like in the throes of something, and I think it's so powerful to just be able to step back and realize that again, life is gonna go how it's gonna go. And even if— and putting your whole heart into something isn't worth it if you also lose part of your heart in the process.

Wow, you are a smart kid. I want to tell you, when I get upset— okay, so you already know this, but I'm going to tell everybody this, and I'm going to see what you have to say about this. When I get upset, if your father— if I'm feeling fiery, if your father comes at me or Lily comes at me fiery, then the fire like increases and implodes. Like, you have to be able to calm yourself in those situations. But I'm telling you that fire and fire don't put out fire. When I get upset and I look at you, you're looking at me like, what, like, what's wrong with you? Are you crazy? Like, you're not pissed, you're not like crying, you're just like, oh mother. And the ability to do that is like really impressive that you can do that.

Well, I also just feel like I'm a really internal person. Like, I process a lot of stuff like internally. I can feel like super fiery, but I don't really tend to show it like on my space, because I think there's a powerful tool in being able to disconnect the two. And I don't really know when or if I learned that, but I think that's a tool I've learned, not necessarily to use, but just have adapted my life around that sort of is what the root of what you're describing is. And I also feel like it's such a natural reaction for us to be fiery in those moments. So I think it's so valuable to be able to retrain yourself to be not necessarily naturally calm, but like less fiery.

Well, I mean, I think that you calm me. I need to calm myself, but you calm me because when I look at you, you're calm. So if you're in— if you're internally not calm, if you're internally fiery, if you're internally upset about something, I hope you can talk to us about it. And I don't want you to— I don't want you to just stuff it.

Yeah, I do.

Um, what else should I ask you?

Hmm, I don't know. I feel like you've asked a lot. Um, hmm, I really hope that this year brings more success for me, and I really—

but she's not successful enough, everybody. She is very successful.

But I hear you. Um, I really hope that Teenage Tuesday and Winey Palooza grow a lot. I hope that those two things keep going up because that matters a lot to me. I think the mission behind Winey Palooza is really important. And, um, I think I can grow not just as a person but also as an artist. I want to learn how to keep growing as a writer.

Well, I think that's all amazing. I think you're amazing. I want you to know that, um, I am so thankful that so many people are listening to our podcast. Um, we've had— I mean, I'll tell you some really good numbers when we're done, right? But I want to thank everybody who's listening to this because we really appreciate it. And we, we know— I know that you probably helped people doing this, and it probably feels good to help people because I know I feel good when I help people.

So that's the main goal of what I want to do with my life.

Well, I appreciate— I know you're busy, and I appreciate you taking time out of your busyness to do this with me because I think it's very valuable. And I think it's amazing that you're turning 17. I can't believe what you've done over the last year So I'm super excited to see what the next year brings. Um, I think you're an incredible human being. I think you keep getting better. And as your mother, it's really amazing to see you change and grow and become smarter and, um, more skillful at things and more confident. I think that I love most that you're gaining confidence in yourself. And it doesn't matter if anyone tells you that you're smart or you're pretty or you're successful. You have to believe it yourself. So I hope that you do. And, um, I'm just loving being your mom.

I love being your daughter. And I just want to say that, like, a lot of the stuff you've complimented is because of you, and it's because of your modeling and your just I don't really know how to describe, but just your parenting in general has really shaped me into a really good person, and I appreciate that.

That's so sweet, Ella. That is— that really makes my heart super happy. Um, it would mean a lot to Ella and I if you would subscribe to the podcast, if you would rate it, if you would give us 5 stars, and we would love to read a review. I would love to read more reviews. Your reviews make me so happy. And, um, we would love you to share this with someone who you think it would help, right?

Yes.

Um, so anything else you want to share?

Uh, thank you everyone for listening or watching. I appreciate it very much, and please keep supporting Winey Palooza.

Thank you everyone. This is Rebecca Greene, and I hope that you spend every day laughing, learning, and loving. Thanks, Ella.

Thank you.

Love you.

Love you too.

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