Episode 528: What I know because of Ella

No need to whine, it's whiny palooza. Have some wine and join us on the whiny palooza podcast with Rebecca Greene.

Welcome to the whiny palooza podcast. I'm your host, Rebecca Greene. I'm a wife, mother of 3, and licensed clinical social worker. I also have 3 fur babies at home too. My passion has always been to help children and their families. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. Parents are always learning through their struggles, failures, and successes and joys. I am no stranger to this wild ride of parenting, and I know behind every great parent lies a team of supportive friends and family. I want to be part of your support system. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this parenting world together. Join me every week for insightful discussions with experts on parenting and marriage, as well as other parents who have found the secret to successes in parenthood. You'll learn tips and tricks to make life with your family better than ever. I hope you will follow along with me while we dive into what it takes to achieve a happy family.

Hello everybody!

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday!

I was waiting for you to say it!

You're supposed to say it!

I like when you say it.

Oh, I didn't know that. I can start saying that.

I'm also tired and cranky, so watch out. Watch out. I just, you know, Seth can do all the talking.

I don't know about that.

Um, okay, let's not say um. The goal is not to say um tonight. When I listen to myself back and I hear that, I'm like, slap in my face. So today's topic, yes, is what I know because of Ella I dedicated my blog to Ella because her birthday was yesterday and she turned 17 years old.

How did that happen?

She went to the dentist this morning and Seth dropped her off and I picked her up because I was driving Lily and her friends to school. And when I got there and I was looking at the screen, they were finishing up when I got there, and on the dental hygienist's screen is a picture of Ella when she started coming, when they took her picture, and it was the cutest little picture.

Oh my God, how long— that was forever ago.

She looked like she was— it looked like she wasn't even in glasses yet.

Wow, so she was really young, um, 4 or 5 maybe.

When— how old was she when she got glasses?

I don't even remember.

She looked like she was like 3 or 4. Wow, did we start them that young?

Gotta take care of your teeth.

Well, no, I mean, is that where we started taking them from the beginning?

I don't think they've ever been anywhere else.

Maybe that's where we started.

If they got a picture from back then—

I mean, she looked like she was like 3 years old.

Ah, so what have you learned from Ella?

Seth, is your goal just to keep me on track the whole time? Is that your goal while you sit there?

I thought that was part of my job, is your on-air talent.

No, not at all, not at all.

What else did you learn about the picture?

So anyways, it was Ella's birthday yesterday, so in honor of Ella's birthday, um, I was gonna write her a letter, and then it turned into I was gonna do advice to Ella, and then it turned into, wow, I've learned a lot from Ella.

That's awesome.

So it evolved into, uh, what have I learned from Ella? All right, so I've learned so much from my children. Like, you think as their parents that you have to teach them so much, and you do have to teach them so much, but you forget that they are like our greatest teachers. Yes. And if we're open to it, there's just so much to learn. Ella will say things and Seth and I look at each other like Where did that come from?

Did she really? Did a 17-year-old say that?

So, you know, in a good way, you think like, where did the time go and how is she possibly 17? And then you have a conversation with her and you're just blown away by her intelligence. I said, this is my favorite line, you can read the whole blog at wyliepluza.com. Her work ethic, her heart of gold, her brilliant mind, and her kind soul continue to amaze me. It's my favorite line of the whole blog, but let's start with— let me tell you what she's taught me, and please chime in and tell us what you've learned from your kids. We would love to hear from you. Ella has taught me that being different is awesome. We have talked about being different a lot over the years because Ella doesn't just like fit in. She's not average. She's not normal. Normal. She has called herself a weird theater kid. She's called herself different. And I told her when we were talking one day, I was like, being normal is boring. Like, that's so boring. Like, I was just like, your average teenager, like, how boring is that? I'm like, you are so much cooler, right? She's got so many more layers to her and more depth. Like, I was just run-of-the-mill average teenager following the crowd. Like, Ella is like, this is me, this is who I am, I am different, I am awesome, accept me for who I am, right?

Yeah, I don't know about that.

Yes, she's not going around saying she's awesome, right? We're saying she's awesome.

Yes, yes.

And she's very— she's taught me to be true to yourself. Hey Randy, thanks for joining us. She's taught us to be true to herself. Like, if you have a conversation with her, she knows— I hope that this isn't picking up Ella blow drying her hair. You think it's okay?

I think it's fine.

If you hear Ella blow drying her hair, we apologize. So if you have a conversation with her, she is going to tell you if she agrees with you, if she doesn't agree with you. And whereas someone like me would be sitting there thinking and seeing both sides to things— like, I'm a really good social worker because I'm very good at seeing both sides to things— she is like, no, this is what I think.

I have an opinion.

I have an opinion. This This is my belief. This is what, what I think. And she's gonna tell you.

Yes.

So I love that she knows who she is. I love that she's true to herself. And I love that she's taught me that being different is awesome. Like, just be you. And what I'm trying to teach my kids, one of my things that I'm trying to teach my kids is stop worrying about if they like you and start worrying about if you like them.

Ooh, I like that a lot.

So that is something that I have taken to myself of, who cares what people think of me? What do I think of them?

The second time I've gotten this message, right?

Do I want to work with this person? Are they worthy of being my client? Yes, right?

Yes.

Like, is this someone that I want to spend my time with and my energy with? We have to think about those things. So that's something I'm trying to teach my kids. Also my husband.

Amen.

Yes, working hard is fun. Okay, I would be like, oh my god, Seth, I did so much today, I'm so tired.

I might have heard that.

Yeah, so Ella. Ella goes to school. Before school, she goes to clubs. Ella goes to school all day. Ella sometimes stays after school. Ella then comes home and does homework all night. I— we have to tell her to take breaks.

Yep.

She loves to learn. She loves to work hard. One of the things that I was telling her today was that I wish I knew her in high school because she probably would have taught me to enjoy learning. I wasn't— good point, right? I wasn't in school to learn until college.

You were, you just didn't know it.

College.

Somebody told you were supposed to be college.

I found my groove and found my, um, thing, like psychology and sociology and psychology and social work. Like, I loved learning about all of that, but in high school I was like, this is so boring, and I was not there to learn. So I love her, um I think— give me the word.

Passion.

Passion. Desire to learn. Like, I love it. I learned from it. Uh, it's contagious when she talks about history. Like, she'd be such a good teacher. I have to go tell her this because when she talks about teacher or biology and she explains things to me, she does it with such enthusiasm that you can tell that she loved learning it and that she loves explaining it to me.

She really cares, right?

So if I had a teacher like that, like, that's passion. Like, that will inspire, inspire you and bring you into the conversation. I was zoning out in most of my classes. You didn't hear that.

Don't know what you're talking about.

So we won't tell Lily that. Is that who's coming down the stairs? You are allowed to make mistakes. So Ella is a messenger in my life, in your life.

Yes.

Maybe you have messages that she has told you that you could share with us, but for me, one of the messages that she has told me so many times is that you are allowed to make mistakes. You are a human being, you are going to make mistakes. We— and she'll say One of the lines that she says to me often is, "We don't expect you to be perfect." And I feel like she is supposed to be telling me that a lot because my expectations of myself will grow, and then I will knock them down, and I'll get more realistic, and then I see that the perfectionism in me will maybe start to grow again. So it's like we're always a work in progress. So even though I will tell you that I'm not a perfectionist like I was when I met Seth, like Seth has been super helpful with it.

Thank you.

So even though I have changed a lot in our 21, 22 years together, years of marriage, okay, yes, 22 years together. In our 22 years together, I have come down in my expectations of myself, and he has been amazing helping me with that, but it creeps back up. And Ella has been one of the keys because she keeps reminding me that I'm allowed to make a mistake. So I am passing that message on to you from Ella that I need to continuously hear.

Amen.

And I will apologize to her. Like, I will do something that I want to apologize for. We should always apologize to our kids. And she's always like, oh, Mom, it's no big deal, you made a mistake. Like, she's She's like her dad.

Thank you.

You do the same thing. She probably learned that from you.

Something good. Look at that.

Oh my God, why do you act like I don't say that you do good things?

Silly me.

You do a lot of good things. Yes. I guess I need to tell you more.

Maybe.

I haven't told you anything that you did wrong.

Does that mean I did something wrong and you didn't tell me? No. That would be wonderful.

You didn't do— So you want to do something wrong and not hear about it?

Yes. Well, I want to not do anything wrong in the first place, but yes, not being told about it would be even better.

Oh my God, I really try not to be critical.

I know, you're fantastic.

Okay, so the goal in our marriage— and I promise I'll get back on track— is for Seth not to be defensive and for me not to be critical.

Yes.

But I'm critical. What I've explained to Seth is I'm critical of myself So then that leads to being critical of others. So I have to be easier on myself, which I work on, so that I'm easier on him.

Yes.

Okay. Treasure quality friendships, people. It is not about quantity. Ella has been one of the keys to teaching me this. I've also read about it. You don't need 100 friends, you don't need 20 friends. You need a few really good friends, and Ella is picky, and she knows who she likes, and she knows what friends she wants to spend time with. And I don't want my kids to be too picky, but, um, she chooses her people carefully and she keeps them.

Yes.

And they're important to her, and she will celebrate with them soon. Yes, for her birthday. Yes. You don't have to rush. So she needs this lesson too. So she does rush. She does rush. I guess I'm not talking about everyday things. Okay. In everyday things, Ella needs to slow down.

Mm-hmm.

And we need to talk to her about that with driving too, because I would rather her be late than be rushing in the car.

Well, thankfully she does not seem to want to drive fast, so we're good so far.

Yes, but I will preface this, and I'm telling you this so that you remember to help me tell her.

Okay.

That getting frazzled in the car, like she will get frazzled, that doesn't work when you're in the car.

Right.

Like you have to stay calm and steady.

Yeah.

So we need to talk to her about that. She has not done that.

Yeah, thankfully.

Thankfully she's been calm, but she needs to not rush in her everyday life. She's very, very big on being on time and getting things done. I'm more talking about she'll get there. Like, she's taught me that she'll get there. So like, she walked when she wanted to walk, she'll drive when she wants to drive, she'll get taller when she wants to get taller. Like she's on her own schedule. You're thinking something.

I'm— yeah, you're right.

But you're right about the everyday life. Her and I need to slow down.

Me too.

I think that all 4 of us— I think Lily is more calm about it. I think that you, me, Max, and Ella need to just like not be wound so tight.

I would agree.

Yeah. Emotions are not weakness. Like, she just feels. She just feels. She doesn't apologize. She doesn't feel weak. She doesn't, like, think that they're bad feelings. She just feels. And that is amazing to see.

Yes.

Anything coming to you so far about Ella, or I'm gonna keep going?

You keep going.

Okay, you think about it. Like, is there anything— I should have asked you this before we started— like, is there anything that she's taught you?

I'm— yes, there is. And if you don't get to it, because I didn't memorize what you wrote, I'll chime in at the end.

Okay. Rest is productive. You know, I have shared this with many of you, that I used to think rest was a weakness. I used to think that you shouldn't rest, and I used to think that I should wake up at 6 AM and go until 10 PM. Yeah, and I thought that was normal. I thought that's what I was supposed to do. And then people like Ella showed me different. Like, do you want to go run errands? Do you want to go out to dinner? Do you want to go get stuff done with me? Yeah, I have something. She's taught me that life is not that serious and like focus on your main priorities and like other things in life are not as important as what matters most to you.

You should repeat that for people who might not have heard.

Do you think I can repeat all of that?

Lily said that Ella has taught her that life is not that serious, uh, not to take everything so seriously, and you should focus on your main priorities, and there's a lot of other little stuff that can get in the way and become big stuff, but you need to not let that stuff matter and not take it that seriously.

Okay, which goes with— I said that she's taught me to pick my battles because, Lily, that goes right with what you're saying. Because when we were in the car driving home the other day, I was pissed off and I was telling her why I was pissed off, and she was like, Mom, that is just not important. Just let that go. Like, pick your battles. And when she said that, like, she's just She's just so smart when you talk to her. She's like, that is just not important. Like, this is not worth you being upset about. She's just so smart. And the things that she says— and like Lily says, she has priorities. And she's like, focus on your priorities. The other stuff is not important. Like, let it go. Are you really gonna spend time being mad at this?

Exactly.

It was really good. I love the things that come out of her mouth. If you talk to your kids about life, you will be amazed what they tell you. Your kids are really smart. They're great teachers. Okay, Courage is quiet. She's not loud. She's not loud. She, um, She will be worn down and she still goes to school. She will be knocked down, she will get back up and dust herself off. She is resilient and courageous and brave and amazes me and teaches me.

Yes to all of that.

Creativity is therapy. You will find Allah writing in her journal, reading a book, listening to a record, daydreaming. What else?

Talking to herself in a productive way.

She is very creative.

She makes up stories a lot, just fictional stories in her mind.

It is extremely therapeutic.

Yes.

She needs to get her stories out onto paper. Have you— have we talked to her about that?

Once or twice, and I— she certainly writes a good amount of poetry. I don't know if she's written a story yet.

Oh yeah, she loves to write poetry. It's all very therapeutic. And I'm telling you this because creative outlets are so good for us, and Ella shows us that you can rewrite your narrative. She doesn't care if she's been doing the musical since she was 5 years old. She doesn't care. She doesn't feel like doing it this year. She's rewriting her story. I'm doing other stuff. I don't want to do the musical this year. I'm like, what do you mean you don't want to do the musical this year? So she will just rewrite what she needs to do, and she will pivot, and she will change, and she will figure things out. And I think she's pretty amazing. I'm tearing up talking about her.

She is a beautiful soul.

Lily, anything else before you leave? Okay, she gave her one lesson.

Did I— we got a lesson.

Did I cover your lesson?

You did not, I don't think.

Oh, what do you got for me?

I think one of the most important things that Ella has taught me that you did not— I don't think you're right about— is the power of persistence.

Yes.

Ella never gives up. She keeps working and working and working and striving for what she wants until she gets it. And there are days and times I'm sure that we all feel like we want to stop doing something or throw in the towel. And Ella has taught me to just keep going, just keep swimming.

Ah, making me all emotional. So when Ella was born early They took her right to the NICU to evaluate her. Like, they let me see her and then they took her right away. And she was in the NICU— Ellen, I thought it was 8 days, but I actually think it was 6 days. I have to look it up in her baby book, but the point is not the number of days. The point is that knowing who she is now at 17, I totally understand why something would come up and they would be like, "Oh, it's fixed." Something else would come up, "Oh, it's fixed." And then a third thing came up, "Oh, that's fixed too." And finally, you can take her home. So there were a few issues, like it wasn't like huge things, but it was like stuff that she had to— She had to learn to eat. She had to— her levels had to all settle. She had to be at certain levels for everything for them to let her go home. And they would tell us what was going on and then it would resolve itself. And like, knowing who she is, she's a fighter and she works hard. And that's why she got out of the NICU so fast, because of who she is. Yes. And that's why she has worked hard and gotten to where she is today.

Very true.

Her work ethic is like unmatched.

Yep.

I mean, we thought that— I mean, Max's work ethic is amazing. I, I would— I don't know if they're comparable. I don't know if Ella does more. I can't compare. I think Max would come home and do homework all day too.

Yes.

I just don't— I've already blocked it out. Like, I I don't even remember junior year with Max. It was all a blur. I think he did homework all night like Ella did.

Yeah.

Because he was taking so many AP classes. And by the way, I have been told that nothing prepares you for college. I couldn't disagree more. Max is at an Ivy League college. He took all of those AP classes. He said they prepared him. He worked hard. He took a lot of APs and we disagree. We think that our school district is amazing and prepared them for college. We'll find out with Ella.

Yes.

But, um, oh, I have another lesson. Okay.

Don't underestimate me.

Oh my God. Thank you. That is so good.

Yes. We have made the mistake multiple times over the years of saying Ella, That's too much. You can't do that. Don't do that. That's you. It's too big a workload or whatever. And she will say, let me do it. And then she does it and exceeds all expectations.

I think that is the biggest lesson from our kids is that I underestimate what they can do.

Yeah, me too.

Like in general with all 3 of them. And this year, this year, so Ella wanted to take all these AP classes and I said no. And just like Max, she was like, "Let me show you that I can do it." Lily wanted to take 2 high school classes in 8th grade in middle school. I was like, "Why? You have 4 years of high school ahead. Like, just take middle school classes. What are you doing?" And she was like, "Let me show you." All 3 have been right every time. I've been doing the same thing with all of my kids. I need to learn. I need to learn. And my friends will even say, Don't underestimate her. So I think, I think that I do it most with the youngest.

I don't know about you, but it's the one that's most, it's playing out the most right now. Ella, it's just, and you did this, we did the same thing with Max. You're gonna take too many APs. It's gonna be too much work. Gonna be too hard. He said, let me do it. Oh, look, I aced them. I crushed it. Ella said the same thing. That's, I mean, we've said, hey, you're doing too many clubs, you're doing too many things, and she does it and she does great. It's playing out more, I think, with Lily right now.

I'm sorry, I keep yawning. Can you tell I'm ready for bed?

Me too.

We get up so early with Ella. Sorry that I wake you when I get up. I try not to.

I know you do. You're trying to be quiet.

I'm trying to be quiet. So I'm very excited to tell you that on the podcast this Friday is the fabulous Ella. And I asked her a bunch of questions and she knocked it out of the park. I would say that she's a fan favorite. When Ella is on the podcast, the amount of messages that I get is just amazing. People love her and it's just a reminder to, you know, interview your kid. Have a—

it doesn't have to be on a podcast. You'd be surprised what you might learn.

Or a family member.

Yeah.

I was thinking, um, I said, um, I've been good though tonight.

You have. I think that might have been time number 2, which is really impressive.

I know, I'm really trying.

You're doing great, honey.

Well, the last time I listened to one of these things, I was like, oh good God.

Well, you've made a significant improvement.

So listen to Ella this Friday. In the Whiny Pooza Mom group on Facebook, we have a March challenge going on, so come find us. It is a free supportive community and I do a 5-day challenge at the beginning of every month and then I give away prizes. So you can still jump into the challenge and answer the questions. There's a question day 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 of each month. Did I explain that well?

You did.

And what else?

Go to whiningpalooza.com, sign up for the free email newsletter And then I'd love it if you could go to Apple Podcasts and find Winey Palooza, scroll down a little bit and give it a 5-star rating for us. That'll help the algorithm show it to more amazing parents like you.

And a review.

I was doing one thing at a time, but yes, give it a 5-star rating and then write a couple sentences about how much you get out of listening to the amazing Rebecca Greene. I— And you're in great company because last month she had 49,000 people listen to her podcast. So thank you for being part of that. Oh, it's a stadium, baby. You're feeling a football stadium.

You're still my heart. That is amazing. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for sharing it. I have been told by people— I listen to podcasts and they say that most of the listeners do not subscribe. So they don't know because subscribing— they don't know that subscribing helps.

And well, Apple will— the podcast platforms will then tell you when she releases a new episode. So go subscribe, smash that subscribe button.

And people don't know that the liking and the sharing and the commenting, it all helps.

Yes.

And it helps other moms find us, which is the goal.

Yes.

So thank you for being part of our community. Thank you for joining us tonight, and we will be back next week with a new podcast. And if you listen to Ella this Friday, which I hope you do, although this is coming out This will be after, right? This will be after.

Anyway, go find the episode with Ella. If you're watching this live, you can hear Ella on Friday in 48 hours. If you're watching a recording or listening to this, Ella will have already happened.

Go back and find her on Apple and then let her know what you thought because she does read your comments. So have a wonderful week. We will see you again next week.

Happy Winey Palooza Wednesday.

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