10 13 15 ALPHA FEMALE DOESNT WANT TO ALPHA ANYMORE

And in studio, local life Coach inspired results Coach.com, Ms. Rebecca Silence. Good morning.

Good morning.

So here's how we roll on a confession Tuesday. Every Tuesday about this time, we answer your questions, what's going on in your world? And it really has, it's become a life of its own. Confession Tuesday has and inspired results coach.com and all the coaching that you're doing and the speaking and whatnot and, and, and I'll tell you what, you've done so much for so many people and anybody who brings up Rebecca sense, you know, the response is, oh my God, she's awesome. Like, like that's, that's the.

Well, thank you.

And if you want to, if you have an issue, you want to have it handled here confidentially on the air, please do so. Go to cnykiss.com on the left hand side, click on it, submit your story and we handle it on the air confidentially. And you would be surprised at the amount of people that have similar situations that you do. And just by doing that, you'll be able to help so many people. And if you don't want to do it on the radio, you can contact Rebecca@InspiredResultsCoach.com and set up coaching.

Absolutely.

So go ahead and do so at inspired results Coach. So what we do here is we take a listener email and we address it here on the air. We do some coaching right here on the radio and you know, as we do that, we help so many people. Are you ready?

I am ready.

Okay, here we go. Dear Rebecca, I have been with my husband 20 years, married 14. I'm a very strong willed and professional female. I'm the primary breadwinner. He works seasonal, kids are now teenagers. I am the main authority in home. He's pet. He is passive, will punish, then give in. He will promise, then break it. I am neither. He does not make decisions. He carries over to our intimate life as well. Going so far as I say when, how much we are intimate. I've thrown hints, I've cried. I've come out and said I want him to be more dominant. To no avail. He started drinking a lot more. I have turned to my phone and computer. I recently started talking to a friend online. It has not gone past conversation. However, it has grown deep. There's a strong connection. He gives me what I feel. I lack direction and the freedom to not be in control. He has asked me for more. I'm torn. I love my husband but do not think I am in love with him. Not sure what to do husband flat out refuses counseling in denial, thinks that we're okay.

Thank you so much for this email and anyone out there who's ever felt lonely in a relationship, this is time to turn up the volume on your radio station. You are never alone. And I want you to consider the possibility that with this new friend, you're just giving yourself permission to be more of who you really are. It's not actually this new friend that's causing you to behave in a different way. For some reason, you're feeling safe enough to let your guard down with this person. And I want you to entertain the possibility that you could give yourself permission to show up however you want with your husband as well. Right? So I hear a lot of wanting him to change. And I'm not even saying that what you're asking for is unreasonable. But what I know for sure is that when you need somebody else to change and you're the one who suffers tremendously, right, the other person is doing the best they can to survive. And what happens in marriage, what happens in long term relationships is we almost end up taking on a role instead of being who we really are and then we get sick of that role and then want to throw in the towel on the relationship.

Right?

And you don't have to play any part. You don't have to be the one running the show when what would happen if you gave up control and let the chips fall? What would happen if you decided to actually give yourself some space to breathe in your home, to relax and have fun? You're the one in charge of the decisions you're making. So none of it is good or bad or right or wrong, but you're never stuck. And a lot of times, and I see it in my office every single week, couples think that the only way to have something different is to leave the relationship. And then that is something, an extreme that we don't have to go down that road. There's so much gray. There is so much gray. So you could learn to fall in love with your husband again. My gut would say that maybe you're not in love with who you're being in the marriage. Maybe it's not that you're not in love with him, but you're not in love with the roles. You're not in love with the patterns and how things have been playing out.

It sounds like that a lot of it is she's tired of the responsibility of it. And like, it seems like. And again, I have no idea, but it sounds like, you know, she, if she doesn't make the decision if she's not the alpha, that she's afraid that things won't get done. And. And it sounds like that he is just kind of there. And, you know, he's used to having it done that way because that's the way it's been done for so long. They've been together well. They've trained each other right? Well, expound on that, because people may not understand what you mean by that.

So they've trained each other that this is my role. This is your role. I'm gonna be the one in the dominant position. You're gonna be the one in the submissive position. And in the beginning, it might have worked, and now she's getting sick of it. So what's awesome is that she's outgrowing, tolerating what she doesn't like. Right? I don't want anybody tolerating things that they don't like and just going through the motions and feeling stuck. You never have to tolerate anything. So if you want more I' this woman to just empower herself to actually be who she is with this new friend in her house, right? You don't have to have a double life. You can be relaxed, you can be fun, you can be feminine again. And your husband may or may not come along. If he doesn't want to go to counseling, I would encourage you to find a coach or find a mentor or find a counselor or a therapist so that you can really look at, what am I tolerating? Who am I being that I don't like? Instead of putting all the focus on, this is what he's doing, this is how he needs to change, because you're never gonna get him to change. And then you may outgrow the marriage, but don't leave it until you really looked at how you're showing up and how you're contributing. Relationships are 50, 50. And the thing is that most people end up doing what they saw instead of what they want. And that's so important. Most people end up doing what they saw from their own families instead of doing what they want in their marriage. So you can make this feel fun and exciting, and you can feel feminine and beautiful and not like you're the one in charge of a little boy, because that's what ends up happening. If one person is in the control role, then they're treating their significant other almost like a child.

Right?

And that is not sexy. Right. The other person does not want to be treated like this little kid. So, of course, your husband isn't responding to that, and you're not either because you don't want to be his parent. So the good news is that this can all change. You can have a new role, a new job description for yourself, and you can start to be more of who you really are and then see how.

Your husband responds with that being said. And, you know, with her being used to being the dominant and making the decisions and whatnot. And she's not used to anybody else doing that. How. What, Maybe this is the homework. What, What's a good step to loosen the reins a little bit?

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Because.

Because at this point it probably is. Well, the mindset may have turned into, well, if I don't do it, it's not going to get. That isn't necessarily the case at all.

Well, and again, I want you to think about what's really important. So the homework here for anybody who feels like they have to be the one that's overly responsible, over functioning and in control, really try to stay in your own business. So when you're thinking about something that needs to be done, whether it is cooking dinner, going and running errands, picking up the kids, whatever it is, even initiating intimacy in your marriage, I want you to think about what's my business. Am I just telling people what to do, or is this really important to me? Just start with that, like, what is my priority? And then think about how you can make sure it gets done with or without the other person. So maybe you hire somebody to clean the house, maybe you hire somebody to run the errands, but you're not actually having to do everything that you think you do. And I want you to just really entertain the possibility that that's true. You think you have to do all this stuff. It's running you into the ground. You don't actually have to do it all. So pick your battles. End up just really thinking about what's a priority. What am I just kind of bossing people around with? What can I let go of? But there's a lot you can let go of. And then the other piece would be find someone to talk to. Because you don't want to blow up the marriage. You want to either leave it in a loving way or repair it. You don't have to have an affair to get out. You're not stuck, you're not trapped. So I really encourage you to have fun being feminine again, relax, lighten up, find somebody to talk to and really pick your battles.

What about the side action? What about the friend.

Right.

What do you do with that? Because it sounds like there's feelings there now.

Well, I want you to just consider that again, it's because she's giving herself permission to be more herself with that person. Right. So it is not the other person that is causing you to feel all this good stuff. You've given yourself permission to put your walls down. And I want you to just consider a couple of things. So of course I would want you to treat people the way you want to be treated. So if you're going elsewhere for intimacy, that doesn't make you a bad person at all. But would you want your husband to do the same thing? And then you know what you are at choice. So if you're wanting to distract yourself with the side action, you're only preventing yourself from dealing with the inevitable with your marriage. Eventually, you're going to have to face the music of where things stand.

Right?

And of course, you can survive that. And I just want you to think about what if you tried being who you are with this new friend, with your husband?

Local life coach Rebecca silence. Inspired results coach.com and we do it here. Confession Tuesday, every single Tuesday. If you have questions, if you have a situation, what's going on in your world, we can handle it confidentially here on the air. Just go to CNY Kiss Calm. And if you want to contact Rebecca, you can go to inspired results coach.com or you can find her on Facebook as well. Great job as always.

Thank you, everybody. Have a great week.

Absolutely. We'll talk to you next Tuesday. Yeah.

Thank you.

All right, we're gonna break. Come back. It's Big Papa and Banna on KISS fm.