3 Types of Emotional Habits You May Be Stuck in Without Even Knowing

I think one of the biggest do nots that people practice as a habit, again unconsciously, the majority of the time and sometimes all of the time, is the habit of expecting history to repeat itself. When we're talking about emotional habits, I'm talking about the expectation that how you felt in the past is how you're going to feel again and fear and resistance to that. Did you know that habits can also be emotional? Have you ever thought about the emotional habits that you have and practice day to day and the impact that they have on your life? Whether the impacts be perfect, positive, negative, working for you or not, I want you to consider that you have emotional habits that you may not even be aware of or paying attention to that get in the way of you feeling as free and fulfilled and fabulous as you deserve. I am Rebecca Silence, host of the Healing is Possible Experience. So glad that you are here on this show. Our mission is to take you on a journey of hope and healing every single week. And this topic of habits is one that is thought about, taught about often. But I haven't seen anyone get into the nitty gritty around our emotional habits. And I'm really, really, really excited to talk about this today. I've got three different categories that we are going to break down for you and do's and don'ts in each category. So be sure to watch this entire episode so that you don't miss a thing. The last category that we're going to be talking about is our self care and wellbeing, which I think is the most important one. So stay tuned so that you get all of the goodness that we have in store for you today. All right, let's dive in to the deep end of the pool. So the first category that I want us to think about when it comes to our emotional habits is the category of our history and life experience. I think one of the biggest do nots that people practice as a habit, again unconsciously the majority of the time and sometimes all of the time is the habit of expecting history to repeat itself. And when we're talking about emotional habits, I'm talking about the expectation that how you felt in the past is how you're going to feel again and fear and resistance to that. So what do I mean by this? The best example I can give you is just like no one is immune to trauma, no one is immune to heartbreak, which is and can be for sure a form of trauma. But how many of us had our first love or an early love and our heart got broken and we made A decision again, whether we meant to or not, whether it was conscious or not to shut down and protect our hearts so we didn't have to feel the pain of the heartbreak ever again. The expectation of heartbreak and feeling that hurt and upset, rejection, abandonment, whatever it is, that expectation of if I love again, it's going to feel like that is an emotional habit. That's crazy. It's not that you weren't lovable or that love breaks your heart. The opposite is true. Love is what heals. Love is what has us experience being fully alive and fully expressed. It was never the love that broke our heart, it was the attachment to this person or to the feelings that we felt like were so wonderful that we wanted to keep. And the sadness and anger and fear and everything else around that love going away, that relationship changing, that hurt. So the number one do not is do not emotionally guard, protect or shut down your heart. Because that is an emotional habit that shuts you down as a person and guarantees that there's no way for you to let love in. With a guarded, closed down, shut down heart. There is zero way to let love in. And we all want to let love in and to let our love be expressed and given. I hear it all the time where people want a relationship because they have so much love inside of them to give and we create this emotional habit of shutting our hearts down. That's crazy. When we are destined to love fully and to be loved fully, period. You don't have to agree with me, but just consider that protecting your heart, guarding your heart, shutting down your heart is an emotional habit that will not actually bring you any sense of joy or any type of experience of more love. And don't forget that just because we had a negative experience with someone around love, that doesn't mean that's guaranteed. And automatically what happens when you put your heart out there every time, that was just one person doing their best with their level of awareness and their tools to attempt to love you. And nobody can love you more than they love themselves. So when you're looking at finding a partner, whether that's romantic business, you're moved to a new city and you're looking for a new circle of friends. Whatever it is, just remember nobody's going to love you better than they love them. So if they are self deprecating, harsh with themselves, hard on themselves, whatever it is, that will eventually apply to how they treat you. It doesn't mean they're bad people. But the second emotional habit when it comes to history and life experience is let's not be in a habit of finding people that remind us of our wounds that are basically our family members from our childhood of origin all over again. As a different character, there's so much more available to us. What I mean by this is so often with our team members at work, with our circle of friends, we've just recreated our family of origin all over again. And then emotionally were left experiencing family dynamics from our childhood with the people that we're spending time with as an adult and not even realizing it. Okay, so I want you to just be thinking about not changing the people in your life. That's not the point here. The new habit is see the people for whom they are instead of experiencing them and seeing them through a filter of your inner child's expectations. So let's say you grew up in a family of four. We had a father that was kind of like the aggressive dictator. We had a mother who was a damsel in distress. We had a sibling that was the lost child, and then we were the golden child. Chances are whatever your cast of characters was in your family of origin, you're re experiencing that. So what I mean is your circle of friends. Now there could be a dictator like person, a damsel in distress person, a lost child person, and a golden child person. And if you're not the golden child person, then someone else is and you're wishing that it was you in that role or whatever your inner child's unmet needs were growing up in that family dynamic are still playing out. So I'm wanting to this as simply and clearly and concisely as possible. But I'm wanting you to really do your best to take what resonates, because over and over and over and over, I see adults playing out their family of origin wounds with the people that they're spending time with now. And then often we'll break up with people because they're reminding us of family of origin dynamics and we don't even realize it. And then we replace the person with somebody else that reminds us of the family family dynamics all over again. So as adults, we get to have new experiences. And I want us in an emotional habit of seeing people for who they are and seeing ourselves for who we've become. It's possible, it's available to you, and it is life changing. The third thing I want to talk about when it comes to your history and what you're expecting based on previous experience, is we can be in an emotional habit of denying our triggers and our upsets, and that will lead to more pain and suffering every time. If I notice I just had this happen yesterday. Let me just talk straight about an experience I personally just had yesterday. I woke up and I felt this almost like a cloud of dread hanging over me. And being with me, I felt like Eeyore and the clouds just following me around, and there was no real reason. I just woke up and I had this sense of dread looming around me, very, very present. So present that I could almost taste it. And I didn't try to run from it or deny it or push it away or pretend like it wasn't happening. I stayed with it, with a commitment to getting to the other side of it and being curious and wanting to explore what this was in me. So the mistake that we can make is thinking that our triggers are because of something happening outside of us or because of something happening to us. What I want us to consider is that the trigger is there because we're ready to heal and release something. So the new habit when we're triggered is to be willing to emotionally ground and to stay with the trigger until it eases up, releases, or transforms. So what ended up happening for me with this trigger? I got on a call with my coach because anytime I am triggered, I want support and I want to get through it. And I don't waste time getting to the bottom of what the hell is going on. So we had this really profound coaching session where I looked at this dread outside of me and I found it in me. And if you haven't Already, go to rebeccasilence.com and get your free trigger release method masterclass where I walk you through exactly what I am describing. My coach walked me through yesterday in a different way. So what happened was I found the dread inside of me and actually I could feel it in my sacral chakra, like right below my belly button. And it had a new name once I found it inside of me. And that name was terror. And my childhood was terrifying and terrorizing. In many ways, that's just the truth. And I, as a way to protect myself, had been keeping this terror close to me because I thought that would keep me safer. And over the years, and with all of the growth I've done and with all of the beauty that I have created in my life and for my life, I wasn't really recognizing how key of an ingredient terror still was in my day to day, it had become an emotional habit to keep terror with me so that I had the illusion of it doesn't get to win. And in the session, I literally was in a staring contest with terror. And recognizing that that has been a default for decades. I'm about to turn 42. This probably started when I was 4. And in this session we released the terror. We gave it back. I imagined the UFO flying saucer from the movie the Flight of the navigator in the 80s taking terror away, back to where it came from and leaving my body and my space. I think this is a really powerful example of possibility for all of us to understand that the trigger is here because it doesn't serve us anymore. It's not here to hurt us. It's not threatening and it's not doing harm. It's ready to release any time it's bubbled up to the surface. And then most of the time, we just shut it back down, push it back down, because we don't want to deal with it or we don't want to make things worse, or we don't really believe that there is a way beyond it. So we just push it away. And that gives it even more power and it's running our lives even more. I'd love to hear your comments around any questions you have about anything I'm saying or. Or about anything that I'm saying that's powerful and resonating and feeling helpful for you because this is such a deep topic. This is so important again to be looking at what are our emotional triggers. So I could go on and on and on with examples, but these are the three big things I want us thinking about when it comes to our history and our experience. And the first, again, is the habit of shutting down our hearts. Let's remember to keep it open and to expect a new experience of love and not to let one interaction with one person ruin the opportunity of giving and receiving love for the rest of our lives. The second thing is pay attention to how often you're in family dynamics, meaning re experiencing life the way you did as a kid with your family of origin, with the people that you're spending time with now as the adult that you are. And then the third thing is don't reject your triggers. Consider that they're here to give you access to freedom beyond old wounds, old pain and old suffering. And when you'll do the work with a great coach or a great therapist. And I can't coach myself, which is why I have my own therapist and coach, right? So that I can be free as fast as possible. We can't see what we can't see about what is in the way of our greatest joy, fulfillment and best quality of life available to us. The best investment we can ever make is to hire great support to help us see what we can't see so we can plot, plan, scheme, create and live the life of our dreams, not just the life we've known over and over and over again in the hamster wheel or just Groundhog Day repeating. Ok, so the second category that I wanted to dive into today is the category just let's talk even more about how we face, move through and manage our emotions. The first thing that I want to talk about under the category just of emotions in general is we have this emotional habit more than I think many of us realize and most of us. I'm not saying all of us, but I've never met anybody that doesn't do this, that we make up that our emotions are going to be too much. We think our emotions are too much for the world to handle and so we try to protect the world and ourselves from our emotions. It gets too big, it gets too overwhelming and we've made it up that our emotions and our own vulnerability can somehow be the cause of pushing people away. What I want us to realize instead is that it's actually us inauthentically trying to manipulate and manage our emotions that then have people unable to actually know who we are. And then that's what pushes people away. So if you're trying to fake feeling better than you actually do, or if you're trying to protect other people from your truth, then they can't feel you. All they can feel is your guardedness and your fear and some wonky energy and anybody that would leave your life because you are vulnerable and emotional and sensitive and human. Bye. They're not meant to be in your life now. It can be difficult. I've been there again, attachment to certain people that I love and respect and admire and lean on and want with me. I'm never going to sacrifice being all of me so that the people around me can be more comfortable and want to stay. I want the people in my life to get me and I want to get them fully. And anybody that wouldn't respect my full on truth, that's not somebody I would want to choose to be close to. And I just want us to give ourselves permission to no longer try to protect the world or ourselves from our too muchness when it comes to our emotions and vulnerability and our sensitivity. The second thing is please know the difference between your feelings about what's happening outside of you, the circumstances, the situation, what people are saying or doing or not saying or not doing, and then how you actually feel on the inside. So again, there's a big difference between our feelings about what's happening outside of us and how we feel and what we need to feel emotionally. People get it confused all the time. Rejection, abandonment, overwhelm, panic, anxiety, depression. These aren't emotions. These are ways to cope with how we're feeling about what's happening outside of us. The only emotions to get close to, to learn how to master how to have a healthy relationship are anger, grief, fear, joy, excitement. That is it. Everything else is learned. Everything else is how we're coping with the emotions that we really need to feel, to heal, to feel and move through. And often we'll do anything but so our emotions aren't too much. And our feelings about what's happening outside of us are very different from the emotions that we need to feel and release to feel better, to feel more completely who we really are. The third thing is we get into a habit of trying to numb our emotions. And I just want us to call this out. It's just you and me right now. Nobody else needs to, you know, hear your confession about how you numb out. But I want you, at the very least, to be getting honest with yourself about how you numb out and what the cost of that is. Because when we numb out, we are literally hurting ourselves and killing off our souls. And it can be very slippery, right? I enjoy movies especially, you know, late at night in bed with my husband some nights. I enjoy books, enjoy great foods. I enjoy many things that, if we are not careful, can be used as a way to numb and shut our emotions down. We are not born apologetic about our emotions or afraid of our emotions. We are born crying when we need to cry, laughing when something is funny, and trusting ourselves and our emotional guidance system beyond comprehension. And then we learn that certain people can't handle our emotions, and we learn that we can't handle our emotions. And then we spend our lives trying to manage and numb our emotions. And then we wonder why we feel like shit. So the new emotional habit I want us to consider is just paying attention to what emotion underneath it all is asking to be felt, moved through, and nurtured. Imagine every one of your emotions as though it's like a newborn baby that just needs a little tlc. There aren't good emotions and bad emotions. There's anger, fear, grief, joy, and excitement. And if we won't embrace and relax into all of them, we're basically unable to experience any joy. You don't get to experience joy and excitement without also being willing to experience anger, grief and fear when they're there. And remember, just like triggers, emotions aren't coming up because of whatever happened out here. Emotions are coming up because your emotional guidance system is telling you the truth about how you feel and what you need in that moment to express to stay as authentic as possible. That's it. That's it. We got to learn how to emotionally have a habit of making friends with our emotions. It's really important if we want to be free. And so many people, especially now in history, are feeling trapped. And this content that I'm sharing with you today around emotional habits, it could guarantee, if you follow what I'm saying here, that you're never trapped again. Because really the only trap is an emotional trap. Once we're emotionally free, we can handle anything, we can face anything and we can create possibility that's new and miraculous in the face of, of anything. All right, as promised, final category is our self care and our well being. And emotionally we can get into a habit of wanting to make sure we've taken care of other people, we've prioritized other people, we've been the caretaker for other people above and before taking care of our own emotional well being. So the new habit that I want us to think about and consider taking on, even if you just try it for today, I don't care, even if it is just one day, that is enough for me, that makes me happy that you could even create just a little bit of a new experience for yourself here. But the new habit is just asking yourself, what takes care of me before you go serve. So people are coming at you with requests, their own agendas, what they need and expect and want from you. Don't be the person that just jumps every time somebody says to jump. Ask yourself first, what takes care of me? Is now a good time? Am I available for this? Is this something I even want to engage with? And it can be that you want to help or you are on board, but the moment just isn't good for you. I was just having a conversation with my husband earlier today about health insurance. We are getting new health insurance and it is a big decision and it is complicated. And I wanted to talk to him about the final two options I felt like were the best ones. And he is just like now no good tonight, Perfect. Can we talk about it later? I was like, absolutely. So that's an example of having an emotional habit of considering yourself before you agree to something that either would drain you or stress you out. More or just isn't right for you at all in that moment. Okay. The second thing when it comes to self care and well being is many people can be in an emotional habit of not only rejecting their emotions but not being willing to talk about them. So when it comes to your self care and wellbeing, I would love to invite you to create an emotional habit of talking about how you're feeling. I feel scared, I feel frustrated, I feel confused, I feel overwhelmed. It can be when we talk about, I feel that you're also talking about your feelings, about what's happening outside of you. But so often we expect people to know how we're feeling when we haven't communicated it, or we just reject how we're feeling, don't express it, and again, wonder why we feel terrible. So I want us in a practice of prioritizing our own emotional needs and wants and considering what takes care of us before we take care of other people. But even beyond that, let's normalize talking about how we feel. Best thing you can do is ask people how do they feel and what support would they like from you and then express how you feel and ask for the support you need from other people. Don't wait for them to read your mind that you need something or want something or desire something. Let them know, I am feeling like a fish out of water. I had a friend call me yesterday, big career transition happening and she just said, I feel alone and I really want to talk through this with you. Will you help me process this? Will you just be a space to listen to what I'm going through? Of course. What a beautiful, brave leadership step in her life to reach out to support and I do that too. I had the conversation with my coach yesterday. No idea what's going on. Going on. There's this cloud of dread looming over me and I'd like to move through and conquer that and celebrate being on the other side of it and not just let it fester. Okay, normalize talking about how you feel. And again, if you're talking to people and they're not available for that, or kind or considerate or respectful, then they're not the right person to attempt to process with. And you can, here's the hot tip. You can just let them know, hey, like my friend did yesterday, here's what's going on. I'm feeling this way. Are you available to talk through it with me or do you have time at some point in the next day or two to talk through this with me? You can get permission Basically from them to be a part of this difficult quote unquote conversation. But I just want you normalizing, talking about how you feel and when you're doing that. No blame, threat or intimidation. So this is the final kind of do and don't when it comes to self care and wellbeing and your emotional habits that I want you to just be even more aware of and see how that plays out. But so often we blame our emotions on other people or our circumstances or we think another person or a circumstance changing would be the solution that makes everything better and rights the ship. So the emotional habit of thinking anything outside of you needs to be different for you to feel better or whole or okay is a habit that will keep you spinning out and suffering and stressed and worrying a lot and focusing on what isn't actually in your control. So instead of blame, threat, needing things to change, needing people to change and then you're suddenly magically going to be okay. The new emotional habit that I want you to consider is an emotional habit of taking self responsibility for making sure that emotionally you are taking care of yourself, nurturing those emotions and making sure that the results that you want, the needs that you have, are being met. You are responsible for making sure your needs are met. That doesn't mean you are alone in life. That means if you have a need for, you know, getting more confident, getting clarity, you know, getting more affection, whatever it is, the need that isn't being met, don't put it on the world to fill that void because it's a black hole that's never going to be filled. You knowing your emotional needs can and will be met because you have your own back. That's a powerful place to live. And if you are feeling out of control and your need is to have clarity on what your next step is, no, all that information isn't here. And you can utilize support to help you get the needs met. But I just want you to be the one in charge with the steering wheel in your own hands instead of in a passenger seat with a blindfold on, hoping whoever you have put all the pressure on to meet your needs gets those needs met. It's too much pressure. Ok, so a lot here today. Thank you for being with me all the way through. Emotions are our friend. Emotions are our access point to the most beautiful and miraculous and joy filled and loved experience that you can have in your one precious lifetime. And I just want us thinking about the emotional habits that we have that maybe actually are creating more stress and suffering in our lives and the emotional habits that we could pay more attention to and focus on practicing to feel even better. You're okay. Nothing is wrong with you. And you are meant to feel good and confident and comfortable in your own skin and in your own life. You deserve all of it, all of the good. And we so often expect the worst. Or especially when it comes to our emotions, we expect that things will feel bad just because they did once upon a time or the fantasy never can come true. And I just want you to know that when you master your emotions, you have automatically become the wealthiest person in the world. Because from there, nothing can harm or threaten you and you can experience the best of every moment you're in and the best of yourself in any moment you are in. What emotional habits do you practice that you think we should all try on too? And what emotional habits that you are recognizing don't serve you? Have you been practicing that you can share with us as well? Because I am giving you some basic areas to think about, but we could talk about this for every day for the rest of the year. All of the emotional habits that aren't the healthiest and the habits that we could be practicing. So what are your ideas? I want to hear it too. Thank you for watching the Healing Is Possible experience with me, your host, Rebecca Silence. Remember, healing is possible. And not just for me, but also for you and for all of us. I'm here for you. Reach out@rebeccasilence.com and don't forget about the free Trigger Trauma Release masterclass on the website that you can start taking right now where I will walk you personally even deeper through moving through any trigger, any upset, any stress, any suffering that's in the way of your greatest joy. Love you so much. See you soon.