Radio interview with life coach Rebeccah Silence (the "unsilent woman") on addiction and how disconnection fuels addictive behaviors. Rebeccah shares personal history (period of daily blackout drinking after moving to Denver), frames addiction as a disease shaped by genetics and environment, and stresses empathy over punishment. She offers parenting strategies: model desired behavior, remain consistently loving while setting boundaries, provide attractive alternatives and connection, and use affirming praise; she emphasizes that connection and intimate emotional safety create openings for recovery. Closing directs listeners to unsilentwoman.com and rebeccasilence.com for more resources.
Foreign. We're live and local on a Mental Wellness Wednesday. It's mixed with a 2.5 big papa in the Morning with the unsilent woman herself, life coach Rebecca silence the unsilent woman.com rebeccasilence.com as well. Rebecca, good morning. How are you?
Well, happy Mental Wellness Wednesday. Let's go.
I want to talk about addiction.
Now.
I realize that's a very, that's a. All of a sudden I saw your eyes like get really, really big. So I realized it's a really deep topic. But I want to talk about people being addicted to social media, people being addicted to their phone, people being addicted to likes, because that really is a thing. And a lot of parents are dealing with kids who are legit addicted to their phones right now. And it's a hard thing to try to wean their kids off of at times. So can we talk about that a little bit, please?
Oh my gosh, yes. And as a child of an alcoholic, someone that grew up with my favorite people being addicts and thinking if I could just love them enough, if I could just be good enough, maybe that would be enough for them to make different decisions. And for so long I, I was addicted to making sure the addicts in my lives weren't addicted. So this is very near and dear to me. I still have family members, you know, suffering from this disease. And for a long time it was really hard for me to think about addiction as a disease. But I want to talk about this on, on two different levels because I, I'll just be very vulnerable and transparent here today. When I moved to Denver, Colorado at 21 after graduating my undergrad as a music therapist, I had to do a six month internship and I ended up getting a killer internship at the state psychiatric hospital here in Denver. 300 acres. And I lived in one of the halfway houses and I looked about 12, right at 21. And before I moved to Colorado, I had not dabbled and we are going to get to the social media piece, but I hadn't dabbled in substances. Maybe if there was anything it was sex. But I was not a drinker. I hadn't ever tried drugs. And I was like a shift from 2pm to 10pm meeting people. I knew where ladies night was every day of the week. And I was about for a year blackout drunk every single day when I first moved here. And I remember this moment and I think this is so important because some of us are using social media to numb out some of us. It controls us. We don't control it. Same with sex, same with alcohol, same with other substances. Right. So I remember making this decision that, okay, I have to draw a line in the sand because I was very clear if I didn't make a decision and I had to do this again later with bulimia in my 20s, I knew I'm really close to not being in control of this, and I like it. And it's filled with filling a void in me. And I remember the moment where I was like, I can't keep doing this or it's going to be my life, just like so many of the people I love. So I want us to just recognize if you have the power to make a decision, to take your power back. That means you've been using this as a way to rescue yourself, protect yourself, comfort yourself in an unhealthy way, an actual addiction. And this was so hard for me to understand for so long. It's like a cancer diagnosis or Alzheimer's or any disease where it's literally not their fault, it's their hard wiring. And that doesn't mean they can't get it together. But it isn't as easy as a decision. So some of you are looking at people that really are in addiction that isn't their fault, and you're wondering why on earth aren't they making better decisions? And I really, really want emphasize you being empathetic and you being loving and you seeing them as innocent and doing the best they can is about the best medicine that you could be for them. And I get chills because this is so powerful. And it took me decades to understand this isn't a decision someone is making. This is a genetic combined with environmental factors, you know, perfect storm that isn't this person's fault and is absolutely not their choice. Now, when it comes to your kids, and I have had this close to me kids in my own family with the disease, addiction for real, that's not their fault. It's so painful to know there's nothing you can do to get this person to make a different decision. But what you can do is be the love in the space that makes sure they know that there's nothing they can do to make you love them less. So often we go into punishment and reward even with our kids. Right. You know, if you're going to behave this way, I'm going to be kind of a jerk to you, or I'm not going to give you, you know, any reward or the best of me, because why would I? And that eye for an eye, tit for tat Especially with your kids. Dynamic. I'm just going to say it. That's you actually fighting with the ghosts of your past and projecting that onto your kids. You couldn't take your power back with your mom, so now you're doing it in an unhealthy way with your kid or your grandfather or your father or the first teacher that was abusive to you or whatever it was. We've got to see our kids for who they are. And we've got to recognize that you staying consistent and centered and loving does not make you weak. That is the only power you actually have in this scenario. And then the next thing I really want to point out is, have you even tried to pay attention to. Are you modeling the same thing? Because so often parents are hyper, you know, hyper focused on how they want their kid to be, but they're doing the exact same thing they don't want their kid doing.
Do as I say, not as I do.
Oh, my God. If you're modeling, I remember a time Mark will kill me. But I'll just call this out. Where my oldest found some of his cigarettes, and he was pretending like he wasn't smoking and telling her not to smoke. And it's like, okay, this is ineffective parenting. Right? And we're all human and we're all innocent. I don't want you judging yourself, but I do want us to recognize if you're saying one thing and doing another, that is your work. First step, second, staying love next. Right. And then third, have you even offered alternatives? Right? Are you saying, let's go for a sunset walk every night and connecting. Because addiction is for sure. And I do not pretend to be an expert on this. I am a trained therapist. I am a trained coach with. My coach has been telling me, rebecca, you should say it like you have almost a quarter century worth of clinical experience at this point, because you do. I've been around the block, but I am not an addiction specialist. So to be clear about that. But what I do know for sure is addiction is bred by disconnection. So if someone feels alone, if someone feels guilty, if someone feels ashamed, that is only food and fuel to keep that addiction alive and well. Connection, intimacy. And so many of you. I say this all the time. What we really want to be when we grow up is loved, but almost no one admits it. Intimacy is emotional. It's your heart open. It's vulnerable. Right? That is the cure for addiction, along with programs, you know, that help the person stay sober. You know, it won't be enough to be connected to someone for them to get sober, stay sober, they're going to have to find their way. They're going to have to find their perfect support. But the connection piece is an opening to possibility that's been missing that I just have seen so much with the addicts in my life. They don't want it, they're not choosing it. They just don't have a better way yet. But the more we are loved genuinely, not manipulatively, that cares about this person and sees them and we're safe space, letting them know we're not going anywhere, babe. And that doesn't mean, because there can also be with addicts, a lot of toxic bs, name calling, volatility. I don't want you taking crap because you're loving them. Even if it's your kid. I want you to say, I'm not going to be treated disrespectfully and I love you. So when you want to be respectful and connected, oh my God, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Nothing you can do to make me love you less is such a great line. And then with the kids, we just want to make sure they have better things to do. And so often they do want more time with you, but we have to make it attractive. Not we're just doing chores, not we're just talking about what isn't working or what they're not good enough at or where they're deficient. Praise your kid. Literally. My friend at Mylett, he does this with his kids. He sits them down and he goes, let me tell you about you. How compassionate, how gorgeous, how thoughtful, how brilliant you are. Do this with your kids this week. Let me tell you about you. It's game changing.
Absolutely incredible stuff. It is a mental Wellness Wednesday. The unsilent woman.com is one website. You can also go to rebeccasilence.com as well. Mental well Wellness Wednesday. You can check out all of the backlogs. They're available right now@mix1025.com Great stuff, Rebecca. Talk to you next week.
