All About Mistaken Identity & Falsely Identifying With Our Wounded Self | Who do I Want To Be?

I am your host, Rebecca Silence, creator of healing is possible. And our mission in the hot seat is to take you along on a journey of hope and healing. We are all going through so much. We are stronger and tougher and better together. And the hot seat is here to give you some support and some, some healing. Today I am so honored to be interviewing in intuitive guide and spiritual facilitator Jennifer Norton, dear friend of mine. And we are taking on a whole new version today in the hot seat of imposter syndrome. We are talking about mistaken identity. And I want us to all really think about how real and serious and significant when we fall into our survival personality or this false sense of self that has us in fear and suffering. There is such a cost. So let's bring in Jennifer now. Jennifer, welcome to the hot seat. I am all jazzed up about this topic and so excited to go here with you today.

Yeah, me too.

This is really great.

It is really great. And we are wearing. I think it is so funny. We are twinning. We didn't plan this. We are just bringing the light today in our ivory colored shirts. Let's go. What do you want people to know about, you know, mistaken identity and this false sense of self that we can fall into without even realizing it? I mean, sometimes we know, but how often do we not have any clue that this is even happening?

I would say most of the time we're unaware that it's happening because that false identity that we identify with, the wound itself, it's become such a part of who we think we are. It's become our primary identity from the time we were young. So we don't even realize it's running the show most of the time unless you actually start to question your thoughts. Because the thoughts of that wounded self, they're usually not very nice or happy or uplifting. They're usually the thoughts that are like just something just negative about yourself or, or about somebody else. And the thing is that identity is so strong and the voice is so familiar that it's just.

It's we.

We think that is who we are. And that's why I love calling this a case of mistaken identity, because it just obliterates our ability sometimes to know who we truly are and to really know who you truly are. It's like you'd have to have had an experience of that or maybe studied some spiritual foundation, a teaching, something that was teaching you, hey, this, this personality that you think is you, you know, is really not you. It's. It's sort of Like a cover up. And depending on how wounded you are.

Right.

How much programming you had, negative programming or wounding, you know, or conditioning that you've had, you really could be completely unaware that there's something other than that that is you. And that would be the eternal self, that it's like a loving, steady presence.

Right.

It's like a loving, steady presence. And it's. People talk about being in their heart, in their heart center. I mean, one way to identify where you're in that false self or the wounded self is because you're in your head. You're in your head, you're thinking way too much, you're efforting your thoughts, or you're ruminating.

Right.

I used to be a ruminator. It's really hard not to ruminate sometimes about all the things that are wrong with the world or wrong with the self.

Right.

Or wrong with our partner. And that. That voice can be so convincing.

I'm glad you said that. Right. Because it can be. And if we believe our fear, it wins.

Yeah.

It doesn't have to.

No.

And you know, it's, it's really. It can be very sneaky and subtle. We can be picking up on thoughts from other people, from the collective. And. And the example I will use is like I was visiting friends over Thanksgiving who have kind of a difficult relationship with each other. And they've been together, I don't know, 15 years, I think, and they tend to be very. They bicker a lot and they just. Anyway, there's a lot wrong with their relationship. And I have a really good relationship with my partner. And what I was finding by the end of the weekend was that I'm starting to think of things that were wrong with him that were wrong with our relationship. Like, all of a sudden I started focusing on flying laws and I was listening to that voice and I started. The beauty is when I got home, I went, what is going on? Why, you know, are these thoughts even true? Or is anything that I'm thinking right now about myself, my partner and our relationship. Is any of this true? And I went, I don't, I don't know about that. I'm like, why am I listening to this voice? And then I went, oh, oh, oh. You know, there I was in the case of mistaken identity. But, you know, I've got a wounded self that grew up with very dysfunctional parents who had just an awful relationship. And so, you know, I've got that wounding. And it was like, it was like my mother's voice in my head, even just looking at all of the flaws in my father. And it was like, here I was trying to imitate that and I just recognized something was off. And I shifted out of that and I went, no, I'm not going to listen. I'm going to come back to love. I'm going to come back to who I really am. And it was like all of that just blew up.

It just went away.

Yeah. I think this is a brilliant conversation. And I'm actually working on a book that will be published very soon, within the year that's all about choosing who you want to be. And the thing is our survival personality, we do inherit and we learn and it's so that we can survive our families and our childhoods. And that doesn't mean our parents are bad or wrong. They're doing the best they can based on their programming, based on what they learned. And so many of us think that who we've been is who we are or how it is is how it is. And I think what's hard is when you're thinking about, like finding yourself and who am I really? I just want to calm everyone's brain down right now because I think that's an overwhelming direction that will take you down a rabbit hole. If you follow those thoughts, if you follow your fears, it's going to take you down a rabbit hole and they win. But if you also start to think about, well, who am I? And I don't know who I am, I also think that can take you down a rabbit hole. I think it's more about you get to decide. I want to make this simple. It doesn't mean it's easy, but you get to decide who you want to be in this lifetime. The first time I heard anyone talk about this was in a mastermind that I did, a small group mastermind with Brendon Burchard. And he talked to us about how he basically, I'm paraphrasing, but the message I got was he basically created Brendan Burchard. He was like, what do I want to do with my life and who do I have to be to make that happen? Because the way Brendan is is not the way he grew up or learned how to be. And you know, I also want to touch on self esteem and self worth here, Jennifer, because I think, you know, that's another rabbit hole. When people think about, like, what do I do about my self worth or my self esteem? I don't know if that takes us anywhere. Good. Because I don't actually think there's much to do. I Think what we can do is decide what do we want for our lives and who do we have to be to create it. I very much feel like Rebecca Silence is almost like a character I created. If you've known me over the past 20 years, there have been multiple versions I of me that are evolving in the way I see it. It's not inauthentic at all. It's just all right. As I peel back more layers of self protection and as I let go of more and more and more of my survival personality to make room for the version of me that is on purpose inspired and empowered in the way I'm living, there's this new version, you know, and people say I'm confident. What I'm confident about is, is who I'm going to be to create what I said I was going to create. And that's different than having to worry about finding yourself. Thoughts, Jennifer?

That's really interesting.

Yeah, yeah, I agree with a lot of things you said there. If you focus on what you think is wrong with you, which again, when you're having a thought like I don't like this about myself or I really just want to do something to increase my self worth or my confidence, that's like trying to fix the self that's not even really you. That's like trying to, you know, when you, when we get into that mode of trying to fix ourselves and then that's assuming that, that we're broken. Right. And we can have a wounded self, but it doesn't have to define us. And that's exactly what you were saying. It's like you're not letting that define you any longer. But yeah, I guess if we get caught up in the who am I question, we can go down a lot of rabbit holes. And sometimes I think it's really important though to do it is extremely important to do self reflection. Yeah, that's the only way you're going to know that you're not that false self, that mistaken identity, that wounded self. But it's not to like go into the mind in question and question. But it's more like we go into our, our soul, into the depth of.

Who we are and we just kind of sit with I wonder who am I really?

And just being in that place of open curiosity without trying to answer the question ourselves. And then it just lets that divine intelligence come in and work with us. Or we just sit there in the silence and we just.

Maybe we just feel calmer than we have in a long time.

But then it almost sounds to me, like what you've. You're talking about and what Brandon did was to re. Maybe re identify or create.

Exactly. Yeah. I think, you know, what you're saying is so important in that there's nothing to do. Let's just be with how we're feeling so we can start to determine what's working and what's not. Because like you said, we're not wrong. We're not broken. There's just how are we living? And what about that is working? And how often are we so busy and caught up in autopilot that we're not even paying attention? You know, And I do think how we feel is the guidance system. And for me, I won't speak for Brendan, but for me, it's been about not even realizing. I want to tell a quick story. When I was in grad school, the first class I took for my master's in counseling was personality theories. And we had to take a personality quiz. And she said it was Florin Litta, Florence Littauer's, your personality tree. And it was showing you how all the people in your family have different personalities. And she said, okay, as you take this inventory, you're going to have a dominant personality, and then you're going to have a tie. One of them is a mask, and the other one's the genuine essence of you. And I remember thinking, huh, so the four different types of personalities were control, perfection, peace, and fun. And no, you know, surprises here. My dominant was control. And then I was tied with perfection and fun. And I remember thinking, I mean, I'm 24 years old. I had just had a baby. I was very like much playing house with my husband, trying to be super responsible, do the wife, mother thing the way I thought we should. That's that false sense of self, that mistaken identity. Who do I think I should be, right? That's a way to really hone in on that mistaken identity quickly. But I remember thinking, well, I'm not fun at all. Like, I am perfection. And then I recognized very quickly, I will never forget this moment. I don't like that. Doesn't feel good. So what if that actually isn't me? What if I'm fun? And I remember sitting here in class going, I'm fun. And I said it out loud and everyone started cracking up. I had no idea I was fun. None. No clue. None. I had not experienced myself as fun at all. And you know what? I really value fun. But it took this moment of being with the feeling, feeling into the difference between the perfection, personality, and the fun personality and really seeing how much I aligned with the fun and how much I didn't actually align at all with the perfection that gave me this new sense of reidentifying. And then, especially after cancer, I had this very much of a spiritual experience where I basically, for me, it was like a conversation with God going, who do I want to be now? Because there's nothing I have to do. There's no place that I have to go. There's nothing I should do. Just who do I want to be and how do I want to serve? And from there, you know, it just became clearer and clearer, the identity that would actually have the impact that I wanted to have.

Yeah, that's really cool.

But I will say, and I, and I will say you had a spiritual experience, something that kind of helped you.

Get to that realization whelmingly, you know? Yes. I mean, and one of the things that I hope that this episode, particularly Jennifer, brings to our community, is an understanding that we don't need to wait for a crisis to challenge our false identity. We don't have to wait for a massive breakdown to go, how do I actually want to be living in this lifetime? Who do I want to be that I would be proud of? What do I want to do with this life you can take for everyone watching life right now exactly as it is, and start to have this conversation with yourself and start to question and sit in. In silence, like Jennifer is saying, with how you're feeling now and make some decisions from this place. But so often it takes a big crisis.

Yeah, that's very, very true. And another way to also help yourself is just even questioning a thought. Like if you're having. Having a negative thought either about yourself or about a loved one. Where if you have that presence of mind, if you have that thought and you start to feel bad, that's also an indicator. We have this incredible system, you know, and it's intelligent and, and it's centered in our body. It's not centered in our brain and our head centered in our body. So, like, it's. If we having a thought that doesn't feel good in our body, that's. That's an indicator. That's just like an indicator. That's like, oh, red flag, okay, I just had that negative thought about myself or my partner or my parent, whoever, and now I don't feel good. And then it's like, if we stop and we go, is that really true? Is that really true? Like, and just question the thought or like, where did that just come from? And because in my case, being an empath, it's very easy for me to be influenced by not only people around me, but collective consciousness. So, you know, for years I have questioned where is this coming from? Is that really mine? And then because that's the, that's the, where you can have a breakthrough, right there, can be your spiritual experience where you're like, wait a minute, what if I, what I think I'm. What if this thought isn't even true? What if I just made it up? What if it just came from somebody else or somewhere else? And when we stop and we go, what if this is coming from my wounded self?

Yeah.

What do I really, you know, do I, what do I really want to believe about myself? What do I really want to believe about my partner? What's, what is really true here? And then you start to look at, you start to actually that can over get overwhelming because you realize all these false stories. The story, the story, the story. And as we just go, I'm done with the stories, I'm done with like the mind crap here. And I just want to, I just want to be free. And it's like, that's a really wonderful question that you, you came up with about, you know, who do I really want to be? What do I, how do I want to live?

It's like, right. And there's so much more life beyond what we've seen as possibility for us. And I think there's actually a great book, I don't know if you've read it, Jennifer, John Bradshaw's the Family that I think does a great job of talking about where our wounded self and our survival personality comes from. And I also just want to say I think Byron, Katie's work about, you know, is this true? How can I be absolutely sure it's true? There's four questions is phenomenal, but you can take it to another level. At least this works for me to go. Is this true for me? Because the other thing I want to point out is just because, you know, the way our parents relationship was, for example, or the way our best friends marriages, that doesn't maybe work for you. This is hard. It doesn't mean it doesn't work for them. It might work for them. It might not feel dysfunctional to them. Right. But if I'm looking at something and going, I don't want that. Great, what do you want instead? And who do you want to be to create it? But it doesn't mean their way is wrong. We've just seen a lot that We. We don't want. And then we think that's the way it is. I guess I got to settle. And then we're miserable. And so what Jennifer and I are inviting all of us to look at today is don't be afraid of that internal conflict or that upset or that off energy that you're feeling. It's the gold that will give you access to the personality that actually is who you are now. That highest version of you now, that wisest version of you now in my company, inspired results. It is about in spirit. Inspired is in spirit connection to the highest version of you, regardless of results. And we don't need the results to be just how we need them for us to be our best. We can be the personality that is the highest version of us. Where we are now as we move forward into our next level.

Yeah, I love that. So true.

Jennifer, I love you and I'm so glad to have this conversation. Would you take us through our own spiritual experience now and help us maybe feel into and connect to the next level of our highest selves?

Yeah, absolutely. That would be great.

Let's do it.

So the first and easiest and best way is connecting with our bodies, because.

That'S where we want to be. We don't want to be hanging out in our thoughts.

So coming into our physical body, and I find it easier to close my eyes because then I can really sense into my body. So sensing into your body, maybe wiggling.

Your feet a little bit or just.

Having an awareness of what's underneath your.

Bottom, feeling the weight of your body as it's resting in this moment, just having an awareness of a felt sense of you and bringing that awareness and attention up to the chest, to the heart center area and connecting into the.

Breath.

Just noticing the breath.

And really this is all about witnessing.

And not judging anything. So not judging ourselves. How we're breathing, how we're sitting, how we're feeling, but just having awareness of our own body and our own presence in this moment. And whatever feelings have been present, just allowing those to pass through and becoming aware of a deeper sense.

Of who.

And what you are. And as we become aware of being aware.

That'S how we can tune in deeper into our own presence.

So imagine you're witnessing yourself sitting here, and it's that witness aspect of who you are that is your own presence. Just breathing in a little deeper.

Letting.

Go of any thoughts or confusion about what I'm saying and just letting the words and my presence and my energy help you switch on. Just switching everyone on to their own self healing ability and their own purity and presence of who they are. Just resting and observing that within you is an unmovable, unshakable presence that is completely connected to pure love. And that is what is moving through all of us. We are expressions of pure love in these physical forms. Sometimes we get mistaken for being something else. Just relaxing into knowing you can't get this wrong, can't screw it up, that the pure love that is you at your core is always here and is always available. And sometimes we can find ourselves feeling like we've been hijacked by that wounded self. And that's okay, that's temporary. Because what you are is eternal presence.

You can even think of that eternal.

Presence is like a flame of light, divine flame of light that burns within you. And as I'm bringing your awareness to that, allow that presence of that inner flame to burn bright and feel its strength as it's revealing more and more of the purity of who you are. And all of those false identities are.

Leaving.

Because they were never you. And as you tap deeper and deeper into this sense of self, the purity of who you are, the flame of light within you, you're going to start to feel a strength and a wisdom and a knowing that there's nothing wrong with you, that you have immeasurable gifts and love to bring to this world, even if you don't know what they are yet. That's okay. Your essence, your presence is the gift. And you will know when you're being called to serve in which way you want to serve. Yeah. And all that external narrative, or maybe it was an internal narrative, all of that is just falling away because that's not you. So just rest here a moment. The beauty of your being in the purity of your own self, in the silence and the stillness within you. Beautiful. And you hopefully will be feeling a nice sense of calm peace of presence. It's in the stillness, it's in the silence. It's not in our noisy thoughts.

Good.

So just registering that sense of self a little deeper into your body.

Having.

An awareness of where you are and who you are. Just when you're ready, coming back to the room, you're in, opening your eyes. Yeah. Feeling refreshed.

Thank you, Jennifer. It was beautiful. What are your final thoughts for us today? And an assignment, I would say, if you haven't already listened to the Tougher Together breakthrough podcast episode on Generational Healing in season two, that would be a great compliment to today's hot seat. And again, that book, John Bradshaw's The Family is an excellent, excellent resource. Jennifer, what are your final thoughts and an assignment?

Well, I really love your suggestion about asking who do I really want to be?

We can also ask the question who am I really?

And who do I really want to be? And allowing that part of ourselves to.

Emerge without trying to demand the answer.

Because if we're trying to demand something, then we're back up in that ego mind, just allowing the answers to come naturally. Maybe it's while we're doing the dishes or taking a walk, just allowing those thoughts to just see what happens as a result of that and just letting go.

The assignment is to let go of.

Thinking you have to fix something about yourself. Dropping that story.

It's great. I really enjoyed this. Our false sense of self can just blow away in the wind as we wrap up 2021 and enter 20.

At.

The next level of who we want to be. We'd love to hear from you, your takeaways from this episode in the comments and the Hot Seat is not meant to replace any type of therapy or work you're already doing on yourself, but we do hope that you can take some nuggets and run with them. It's brought to you by my gorgeous team and rebeccasilence.com where you can visit us for our coaching retreat services. Ladies Colorado Springs, January 7th, 8th and 9th. An awesome place to spend three days letting go of your false sense of self so you can connect to the version of you that you want to be. We'd love to see you there. Message me if you have any questions and know the darkness is real, so is the light, and healing is possible. We'll see you again next Tuesday. Every Tuesday, 10am Mountain Bye everyone.