Are You in a Long-Term Relationship and Yet Fighting All the Time?

Right. So just imagine you don't need fixing and your partner doesn't need fixing and just that alone can actually change everything energetically.

Well, that. And, but that's why I said it that way because most people are feeling that it's broken, it needs to be fixed. It's not the same. And so, so you just saying that is going to help a lot of people.

Well. Right. And no one is broken. Our hearts are broken. And where do our broken hearts get poked at and messed around with the most? In our relationship.

Mix order 2.5. The best mix from the 90s to now. It's Big Papa in the afternoon. Mental Wellness Wednesday. Life Coach Rebecca Silence. RebeccaSilence.com and host of Tougher Together, a breakthrough podcast. Rebecca, how are you?

Well, hello. It is Women's History Month and I love that.

That was. I thought you were. I thought you had more. No, that's what I.

No, I just do. I love celebrating women. I love being a woman. I love that in this time in history where we really need leadership with the wars and turmoil and so much happening, you know, it's a good time to honor women because we need women leading.

Absolutely. Absolutely. This week I want to talk about relationships.

Okay.

Something that I have witnessed and heard about a lot recently. Long term relationship, you know, more than five years, they can't imagine not being with them or their life without the other one. But all they do is fight.

Okay.

Okay. So obviously there's two things that can be done. You either fix it or you get out of it. So let's start with one and go. Okay, if we're going to fix it, let's do it this way. And then we'll go at. If we're going to move on, let's do that that way.

Great. So the first problem is this idea that it needs fixing. How about it just needs to be reinvented? The idea of fixing means that something is broken. And so when we approach a person or a relationship like it's broken, it's like starting a class with an F instead of an A. So just imagine you don't need fixing and your partner doesn't need fixing. And just that alone can actually change everything energetically.

Well, but that's why I said it that way, because most people are feeling that it's broken, it needs to be fixed. It's not the same. And so. So you just saying that is going to help a lot of people.

Well, right. And no one is broken. Our hearts are broken. And where do our broken hearts get poked at and messed around with the most in our relationships. So just consider that your relationships are here to help you heal your broken heart. Period. End of story. To just give you fun and orgasms and a good time. We want to be healed. We want to be whole. We want to feel alive and really confident about who we are, I think. And that is possible. And relationships are just a big fat mirror to help you see how far you have come and how much emotional healing there is still to do. So if you can look at your partner as you the soul medicine to help you get through your heartbreak, whether you stay together or not, and honor them and see them as also a person that has been through enough already, doesn't need you rubbing salt in their wounds unnecessarily. There's a lot of room for growth from that place and they are not ever. If you want to reinvent, you are not broken. Your relationship is here to help you heal your broken heart. And you are here to help your partner heal and grow as well. And then from there, you get to be a space that offers your partner new possibilities that they've never experienced yet. Instead of all of their childhood traumas being reactivated with you in this marriage or in this relationship or in this life together, we literally are fighting with ghosts.

So what would step one be, if you want to reinvent, to say to.

Yourself and then to your partner, I care too much about us, I love you too much to fight with you anymore. Put your weapons down. I want to see what would happen if we just got vulnerable. But you've got to stop blaming them. Your partner isn't the cause of your suffering. Your suffering is in you already. And your partner is helping that come out. So. So you can be done with it actually. Right? But nobody teaches us this. We don't know that we think it's our partner's fault. They said the thing, they did the thing. They really were a big jerk. I'm not saying none of that's true. I'm just saying that you can be loving and free and the best of you no matter what they do. And you are the source of your suffering and you are the source of your happiness. And use this relationship to become the best of you and get vulnerable. Meaning instead of telling them what the problems are, start offering solutions. Instead of blaming them for how you feel, you own how you feel. I feel scared. I feel like if we open up Pandora's box, there is no way we could possibly recover. And I don't want to feel trapped and suffocated anymore, living a lie with you. I'm not happy. I'm not blaming you for that. But I'm scared. I don't know if we really try to fight for this relationship, what's going happen, but I want to try. I mean, talk about, I, I, I, this is how I feel, this is what I want, this is what I need. And offer solutions, guaranteed. You're just giving your partner your problem and then they're supposed to do what with it? Give them solutions, give them a way to win with you. Give them a way to grow with you. And five years in, 10 years in, I've had couples divorce after 35 years. You know, I just did an intensive with a man that cheated on his wife after 30 years and never had before and was like, I need to know why this happened. And we got to the bottom of it and it doesn't mean he's a bad person. We play out our pain until it's healed. And you can heal with the person you have so you're not broken. The relationship doesn't need fixing. And if you're suffering, don't wait for it to get worse. Start reinventing it now.

And this right there is why we do mental wellness Wednesdays. I'm just saying.

Yes.

All right, so we went at it from if we are trying to reinvent, you know, I said fix and we adjusted that one. When do you know it's time to move on? And what's a good way to start that process if you're in a long term relationship and just, it's all, it's, it's all fighting all the time.

Okay, so this is really important because often there are kids involved. Often, you know, people end a relationship and there's a ton of regret and pain. I mean, just because you get divorced does not mean you're emotionally divorced. I work with people that got divorced 10 years ago and it's like it happened yesterday because they're still in hell because of it. So I teach people how to have a graceful divorce or ending to their relationship so that they can both move on. I call it let's divorce gracefully whether you're married or not. Right. How do you know when it's time to do that? I'm going to make this super simple. It's just like it is this simple. You know, when a meal is over, you know, when you're done taking the next bite, there's no drama. You're not even worrying about it. You're just like, yep, this feels complete. Right? Because I am Healed. My heart is open. I care about me, I care about you. But the way our relationship was romantically, it's over. And I think we don't give ourselves permission for the relationship to be over and to not have that feel like a failure. I think it's a huge success in victory. If your relationship, if both people have grown as much as they possibly can together and they still have love for each other and respect for each other and they care about each other, but they just know our work here is done. That is a victory. That is not a failure. Right. But we think if we are going to end it, then somehow we are bad or we failed or we failed them or they failed us. No, get to the point where it is like a scar healed over the wound, doesn't hurt anymore. It is just complete and it gets to be. And give yourself permission for that because if the door is blocked with the wrong partner, nothing else can come through and you will suffer and that gets toxic and then you're modeling, settling for your kids. I'm divorced. I did not know how to do it gracefully when I got divorced from my first husband. It was a violent marriage. It was a mess. I was a mess, could not get off the floor and little known fact, Dr. Phil tried to save my marriage.

What?

Oh my gosh, that is a whole other Oprah. I journaled and downloaded on the Dr. Phil website because I knew I was a victim to me mess and I had to get divorced, but I was still a mess. So this one night I couldn't sleep and I was on the Dr. Phil website and it was like, tell us your story. So I did. I said, I just wrote, wrote, wrote, wrote. I was a school counselor at the time. 7am the producers are calling me. They called me for two weeks and my ex husband was like, yeah, let's have Dr. Phil save our marriage. I was like, no, it was just what I needed because from that moment I was like, I don't want to save the marriage. Okay? I feel complete, right? So just know it's okay to feel complete and you don't have to have it. Be a disaster, a failure, a mess. Big drama to end the relationship. And you know it's over when you're clear and the best of yourself and you just know it's over.

It's a mental wellness Wednesday. Life coach Rebecca Silence. She is the host of Tougher Together, a breakthrough podcast. You can check her out. RebeccaSilence.com add her on social media as well. Amazing stuff again this week. We'll talk to you next week. Okay.

Bye, everyone.