Are You in a Relationship With a Cheater? Here’s How to Handle It.

They'll say that, oh, my gosh, every person I've ever dated has always cheated on me. How can that stop? Because there's a lot of people that have that problem and don't know how to fix it. Mixed with a 2.5, the best mix from the 90s to now. It's Big Papa in the Afternoon. Time for a mental wellness Wednesday with life coach Rebecca Silence. New book coming out coming back to life. It'll be out in October. Tougher Together Breakthrough podcast and the emotional survival kits on rebeccasilence.com Rebecca. Hi, how are you?

Well, hello. We're officially in the second half of the year.

Oh, really?

Really.

I feel accomplished.

Well, that is a good thing. That's something worth celebrating. And whoever is listening that doesn't feel accomplished, just know you still have time.

You absolutely do. I figured this week we could talk about getting cheated on.

Okay.

And. And there are people that, it seems like they. They'll say that, oh my gosh, every person I've ever dated has always cheated on me. How can that stop? Because there's a lot of people that have that problem and don't know how to fix it.

Okay, so as someone who was cheated on in a marriage and has been cheated on, and I'll admit it, not married, but I've also been the cheater. You know, first things first. I have never coached someone that had an affair, that didn't have a parent that had an affair. So I just. I want to put that out there. This isn't anything. I've got, like, hard and fast research on that again. Okay? So I'm going to say one more time, but just again to qualify, I haven't done real research on this except for in my own private practice. So after coaching dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens of couples way more often than people would think, affairs are an issue in the marriage. And I have never coached a person that had the affair that didn't have a parent in their childhood that had an affair.

Okay, so. So they. So if whoever had an affair, more than likely one of their parents had an affair as well.

Every time. Every time I've coached someone that had an affair, they grew up with a parent that had an affair. Now, why is this relevant? Because pain patterns repeat and we learn that relationships are painful and that certain painful happen in relationships based on what we experience growing up. And either sometimes we see it and we know, or just the energy alone is present and impacts us. So if you have had an affair, just know that that doesn't have to define you. And that doesn't mean that you're a bad person. Every behavior, there are real reasons why. And healing is possible if we want to change a behavior or a pattern or an experience that we're having. Now, primarily today, we're going to talk about if you've been cheated on. But I just wanted to start with some perspective for everyone. So if you've been cheated on, here's what you need to know. Number one, it's not your fault. Number one, it's not your fault. It doesn't mean that you aren't good enough for your partner. 100% of the time the person cheating is dealing with their own demons and it's never about you. So you can't be thin enough sexier, you know, a better spouse. And then if the person is having an affair, they're suddenly going to stop. If they're having an affair, that's their vice. That's their escape hatch to run from their demons and their own pain. And it definitely, absolutely has nothing to do with you or your worth or how desirable you are.

But at the same time, people listening to this will say, well, why? Why can't I be the safe thing? Why can't I be the vice? Why can't I be the go to? Because that's. I guarantee people are thinking that right now.

I love that you said that out loud. And let me just get really real about this. Why would you want to be someone's vice to escape their pain? That is you, like volunteering for toxic energy being dumped on you. What you can have are standards. You can have standards where you want a partner who respects you, who communicates, who deals with their issues in a healthy way and not in a destructive way. So if you're like, let me volunteer to be the vice, please. Which believe me, I've been there before. Like, why can't I just be what you go to to deal with your pain. But the problem with that is you are helping your partner stay stuck and unhealed. And now you're stuck and unhealed and taking on all their CR crap that isn't good for either one of you. So know you deserve better for sure. And what they're doing isn't about you. And communicate what standards you have and what needs you have and see whether or not your partner is willing to deal with their demons in a new way. I coach people all the time to stay together after an affair. It doesn't have to be the relationship is over.

So here's A question. You're saying that if someone cheats on you, it's not your fault, it's them. They have stuff that they have to work through. It's on them. So my question is, how come someone always ends up choosing a person that ends up doing it to them? Because that seems to happen a lot.

So let's also paint some perspective about this. It is a victim consciousness that will leave you powerless to think anything is ever happening to you. I'm a cancer survivor. Cancer didn't happen to me. I'm a domestic violence marriage survivor. Domestic violence didn't happen to me. I was still growing and learning and healing and deciding what was acceptable to me and what wasn't. And who I was going to be in the face of anything is the one thing I always have control over. So say you got cheated on one narrative, one story you can tell yourself is, why is this happening to me? Why is this happening to me? Another story you can tell yourself is, in the face of this, who am I going to be? Am I going to raise the bar? Am I going to lower the bar? Am I going to step into the most powerful, confident, respectful version of me, or am I just going to throw in the towel and decide, see, I'm not worthy, I'm a victim, I don't get my needs met, I'm never going to be loved. I'm being dramatic because I want people to see the cost of that this is happening to me again story and the belief that why is this happening to me? Life is happening to me. Affair, diagnosis, whatever it is, is never going to give you control or power in your own life, which is your right. So what you can do is you can go, listen, I love you and I won't dance with you in this way. I love you and let's call a spade a spade. You're cheating. We both know it. I'm not going to stay in a situation where I'm disrespected, where I'm cheated on, where I'm not, with someone willing to connect and work through issues with. So this is either an opportunity for a hard reset and new boundaries and new standards for both of us, or I don't know if it is going to work. Do you want to work through this with me in a healthy way or not? Right. And I am not saying this in ultimatum fashion. I am saying this in respecting myself and the other person and giving them an opportunity to grow with me fashion. And they might not want to, but you can be the person that leads in this isn't good enough for either one of us. And then do know that in all relationships, half of the relationship, half of the results is you. That doesn't mean you caused the affair, but very, very, you know, probably the relationship was disconnected before the affair and you were part of that. You were part of waiting for the disconnection to get so bad it would get addressed. You were part of avoiding and not connecting in the whisper level issues. And then it got to this point. So I want to be clear, I'm not saying it's your fault, but you do need to take respons for the person having the affair isn't 100% of the problem. That's just their half of how they're dealing with the relationship that isn't healthy. And then look for what your half is as well and just know disconnection leads to all kinds of messes. And you were likely part of the disconnection, getting to the point of the affair. So you can say, listen, we've been disconnected. I'm part of that. You're having an affair. I don't want this. I have never had a client that's having an affair that wanted that either. They just didn't know what to do. So you can be compassionate. And when I say they didn't know what to do, what I mean is they didn't know what else to do to deal with whatever they were feeling emotionally that they either didn't have words for or didn't know how to handle. So this is how they handle it. So nobody is wrong. You can reset. You can survive this with the person or without them. But more than anything, nothing's happening to you. You deserve a relationship that's healthy and respectful and where you're not the vice and where your partner isn't using vices in unhealthy ways to run from their pain. And then you're going to have to be the one to say, hey, we got to do better, we got to do better. And we can. Let's go.

It's a mental Wellness Wednesday with life coach Rebecca Silence. The new book coming back to life, drops very soon. And make sure you check out the emotional survival kit online@rebeccasilence.com Great stuff as always. We'll talk to you next week.

Bye. And reach out if you want support in your relationship. It's all healable. Healing is possible.