Rebeccah Silence, a love and emotional-healing coach, identifies three silent relationship killers: expecting love to hurt, believing you or your partner are broken, and losing independence through codependency. She offers the 1-1-3 formula (self, partner, together) to maintain individuality while building a healthy bond.
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We're live and local. It's Mix 102.5 on a Mental Wellness Wednesday, welcoming the world's leading love and emotional healing coach, Miss Rebecca Silence, online, theunsilentwoman.com. Rebeccah, good morning. How are you?
Hello everybody. I'm ready for Mental Wellness Wednesday. Let's go.
So if anybody follows you on social media, you, you are a, a, a pla— you have so much stuff and so much information to help people go through whatever they are in, in their world. And one of the things that I saw recently was Silent Relationship Killers. And this is, and this is something that, you know, no one talks about, but these are the things that people just kind of accept as whatever. And the next thing you know, those are the things that are tearing everything apart.
Absolutely. And it is real that we all are born with a dream of love. We all want love. I always say when we're asked when we're growing up, what do you want to be when you grow up? The only honest answer is loved, but nobody answers it that way. And then all of our biggest problems come from relationships, right? But all we want is love, and this is a nightmare, and it doesn't have to be for most of us and for many of us.
Okay, so let's, let's talk. What are these silent relationship killers that we're talking about?
Well, there, there are so many, but let me give us 3 today that are really, really important. So number 1, expecting love to hurt is a silent relationship killer. And again, we don't talk about this enough, but most of you think love hurt you, and that's just not true. Unhealed people hurt you. People with broken hearts, right, playing out their pain. Hurt you, not love. Love doesn't hurt, but when we believe it does, we prove ourselves right, and there's no way to have deep, connected, emotional, physical, sexual intimacy from a place of a belief that love is going to hurt you. So that's number 1.
Okay, number 2.
Number 2, you aren't broken, and they aren't either., and you think you're broken and they're broken based on what you've been through— trauma, heartbreak, financial devastation, being cheated on in the past, being the cheater in the past, whatever it might be. You're not broken, and neither are they. And so many of you—
I'm sorry, a lot of people would say that, you know, you're not broken, nobody's broken. But it seems like everyone is a little broken in some way, shape, or form, right? That's part of what makes them them. Am I wrong?
Oh my God. Okay, sure, we can defend that narrative, but what good comes from that, right? I wrote Coming Back to Life, which has won top self-worth and relationship book in the world awards, because I wanted us to learn how to use our heartbreak and our trauma to our advantage. Yes, we have a past. Yes, we all have been freaking through the fire in whatever ways. But why would we defend the narrative that I'm broken or that you're broken? Why would we want to prove that, right? Your heart got broken. You, your soul— I'm somebody who beat cancer with a 5% chance. I got out of a domestic violence marriage. I have a crazy wild history with sexual abuse and rape. I'm not broken. I found what inside of me, like Pema Chödrön says, is indestructible in the face of everything I've been through, everything I've healed through, everything I've faced, moved through, and conquered. And my God, do I want that for you, to know with certainty that you're not broken and to stop treating people like they're broken. Because the deal is, like, you can walk around acting like you're damaged goods, proving that right all day, every day, but you'll never get your dream of love. You'll never be free. You'll be held hostage by your past and your circumstances that actually don't define you until you let it. So I'm very grateful you're bringing this up because it is reality for a lot of people, but it doesn't have to be.
Number 2, you're not broken. What's the third one?
Okay, number 3, you can be independent and have relationship. Okay, what a concept. So many of you give yourselves away, betray yourselves in the name of love, right? They talk about it in the movies. I changed who I was for you. Okay, that's not love. That's not relationship. That's called fake. So what nobody else is going to tell you, but I've been doing this since 2002, I've been helping people heal almost a quarter of a century. And what I see all the time when I'm working with couples is they think it's easy either their independence or the relationship. And if they've lost their independence, they blame it on the relationship instead of recognizing they got fake to try to save the relationship, and nobody made them do that. We learn to be codependent and to give ourselves away, and that it's you, me, us, and it all becomes one thing and enmeshed and funky and terrible. And what I teach is my ideal partnership formula, which is 1 1 3. There's me, there's you, there's us, and you can actually have independence and a relationship. And I want that to be a goal for you this year, and I want you to get your dream of love. And if you DM me love on social media @RebeccahSilence, I'll send you my 3 Must-Know Secrets to Heal and Save Your Family masterclass to take this conversation even deeper, get you more in my world, just DM me love at Rebeccah Silence. But this should be and can be your year of love, but so many of you have already decided you don't get to have it.
And that in and of itself is a silent relationship killer that we've got to deal with. TheUnsilentWoman.com. It's the world's leading love and emotional healing coach, Rebeccah Silence, on a Mental Wellness Wednesday. We'll talk to you next week.
