Rebeccah Silence breaks the habit of over-responsibility by offering three practices: wait 30 days before offering help unless asked, make sure your support is reciprocal, and set clear boundaries on your terms. Stop fixing people and start actually supporting them.
Chapters
So when you've been trained to be
the over responsible one, you're not recognizing
what sets you up.
Well,
Give an example. The difference between supporting and fixing. Because people, you know, they hear the words, but it may not stick.
So I've got a friend who has
a marriage and has kids and her
whole life and is about trying to
anticipate what everybody else needs to the point where she doesn't know her favorite color, she doesn't know what she needs.
The only thing she needs is to
make sure nobody's unhappy. Now maybe you can relate. I've certainly been there where my whole life was about making sure other people had their needs met and weren't upset. And as long as everybody was happy, I was okay.
But the problem with that is someday never comes when everybody's happy and it's
all copacetic and it's all working out perfectly.
So what this woman is learning how to do through her relationship with me is three things.
One, wait for permission. So I've, I've invited her to a process where if they don't ask for
help, you don't offer it for 30 days.
She's like, I'd rather stick needles in my eyes, Rebecca. But it's already changing her whole family system.
The second thing that makes it support is it supports you too. What concept? So it's not support unless it supports them and you.
So if it's going to be supportive
to them, but at your expense, taking your energy, taking your money you don't
actually have available to give, whatever it might be, if it doesn't support you back, it's a house of cards and
it's going to crumble.
And the third thing is it's on your terms. So when you've been trained to be
the over responsible one, the everything to
everybody person and at home and at work, you're not recognizing what sets you up well.
So on your timeline, on your terms, maybe you've got time on Wednesday morning, but they want you Thursday night and you've got other obligations instead of trying
to be at all, figure it all out.
You can say, this is when I'm available. And if that doesn't work, here's when I'm available. And some of you might be thinking, Rebecca, I don't know, I don't know
what that would be.
Well, that's where you want to join
my own, your voice, society membership and have me as your coach or find a therapist or find another coach or find a mentor to start looking at.
Okay, what takes care of you. What sets you up? Well, what sets you up to win?
