Author Q&A with Rebeccah Silence

Hi, I'm Rebeccah Silence, author of Coming Back to Life: A Roadmap to Healing from Pain to Create the Life You Want. Thank you to the Boulder Bookstore for asking me to share about the book, where it came from, and how it can support you in your life on your journey. The first question I was asked is what inspired me to write the book. That's a big question, and my simple answer is the book just kept blowing me kisses and whispering into my ear that it really needed to be born. This book was inspired by a lifetime of trauma that became rocket fuel that gave me my dream come true life. And I just knew that if I could learn how to use trauma to my advantage, so could anyone else that wanted to. My story, I like to say, it's a series of fortunate events that gave me the ability to not be afraid of the dark, to not be afraid of circumstance and external factors, to the point where it had the ability to hold me hostage in my own life. I've been through a lot. I share my story in the book of Survival that just no longer exists for me. What I mean by that is we all have a survival personality that we created to get by and to manage and to navigate our families of origin and our lives as kids. And so many, they believe that their survival personality is who they are, and then they wonder why they're unhappy, why they're not fulfilled, and why they feel disconnected from themselves, especially on a soul level, on a spiritual level. And what I teach in Coming Back to Life is how to embrace with love and compassion survival and your survival self so that you can decide who you want to be now. You can break up with survival mode permanently. You can heal the heartbreaks and the traumas and the emotional pain that might seem impossible, that might seem like you shouldn't even bother trying to hope or taking the risk to put yourself in a position to attempt healing these things because society would say it's impossible and because you don't want to make things worse than they already are. But here's, here's a hard truth that has liberated me. So I hope it's beneficial for you as well. Survival doesn't need to be the rule that you live by. And addressing what may be in Pandora's box that you are not quite ready or not quite certain you could face— opening up Pandora's box, it won't make things worse. Whatever's in there, it's already running and potentially even ruining some of your lives or the experience of life that you long for. And it just doesn't have to be that way. So this book was inspired by my passion to share what I've learned and how I've been living that got me out of the dark and out of the emotional woods and back to a place where I'm fully connected to the truth of who I am, and my life has become a dream come true. I share about surviving traumas, such as childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence marriage. And later, I was 34 and pregnant with cancer with a 5 to 10% shot at living. So I can't tell you what an honor it is to be alive and to have birthed this book for you. The next question that I was asked is, can I share about some of the experiences that shaped me so that I could write the book. Um, I've already shared about some of the traumas that I have survived and again learned how to use to connect to and to become the best of me. But a couple more just quick examples. So I worked at Fort Logan State Psychiatric Hospital here in Colorado. I actually also live in Boulder, and when I was 21, I was a music therapy intern. I'm a nationally board-certified music therapist, as well as I have a master's in counseling and multiple life coach certifications. And the moment I walked into the doors of Fort Logan— it was a 300-acre psychiatric hospital and facility— and I was 21, I looked about 15 if we're honest, and I walked in And my idealistic self, my uninformed optimistic self at the time, was just appalled, if I'm honest, that people were being diagnosed and highly medicated, and they were not actually being given tools to go deeper. That they're in my Young Brain was, was this problem where we were dealing with the symptoms. We weren't dealing with the root of where people's behaviors were coming from. So I made a decision. I respected the staff. I respected the methodologies and the crisis-level need that everyone at the psych hospital had for help and support. But what I just knew was that there had to be a better way beyond just a diagnosis and medication and these people being thrown into a system that statistically speaking has them in the system pretty much for the trajectory of the rest of their lives. And what I knew was that I wanted to get really educated around human behavior and where it came from. And what I knew is that people's choices are their coping skills. And that doesn't mean that how they're coping and what they're choosing is actually the truth of who they are. So my experience as an intern at Fort Logan shaped me. And then becoming a single mom, getting out of a domestic violence marriage with a 2-year-old also shaped me because at that time I wasn't ready to work on myself and to make my life extraordinary and wonderful. For myself, but I had a baby girl that deserved better than a mom that was abusing alcohol, that was bulimic, that had about this much self-worth, and was still running from her past and from her trauma and believing that on many levels I was broken. And because of my oldest daughter, I made a decision to be my best. And from there, I had already gotten a master's in counseling, but I wanted more. I wasn't walking the walk yet. I understood a lot, but I didn't know how to live a lot of what I had learned and understood in my master's and just in my life experience. So I began the pursuit of becoming my best, the version of me that I decided to be. That wasn't my survival personality, but was just who I decided to become. Fast forward, pregnant with my second daughter, I was diagnosed with cancer. And for me, that experience above all else, that was the experience of a lifetime that changed my lifetime and changed the course of my life. I thought I knew who I was. I thought that achievement and results and high performance, that's what life was all about. I had my dream marriage. I had a business that was thriving. I had my own radio show talking to hundreds of thousands of people every single week, a 6-month waitlist. My life was my dream come true, and I had thought I had outrun my past. I thought because I had done so much work on myself already, over 100 seminars, coaching certifications, any personal growth I could get my hands on, that the hardest part of my life was behind me. And that wasn't true. Cancer gave me an opportunity to have a spiritual crisis that allowed me to spiritually come alive. So those are 3 experiences that shaped me so that I could write this book and birth it and give it to the world. The next question is, how did I decide to organize the book? Such a good question. And just very simply, I wanted to use my story to help people connect to theirs. And I wanted in each chapter to have each chapter hugged by one of my stories so that I could also demonstrate patterns and how they play out and how they play out in a way that often we don't even realize we're playing out a pattern. In between the stories is my message of healing in each chapter and what I learned and a lot of soul food for readers to chew on, to consider for themselves. And then at the end of each chapter, I have questions that allow for integration and implementation of whatever the reader read in the chapter that resonates the most, that they want to take from that conceptual understanding into their actual beingness. I love this question. How did I create the tools and strategies that I share throughout the book? Really, what I did was, after a miraculous recovery and the gift of beating cancer, I looked back and I reflected on what did I do? Who was I being? How on earth Did I get through that? The physical pain I can't even put into words. The emotional pain, the spiritual pain. I'll never forget questioning everything about myself in a cancer bed after having a newborn baby that I couldn't even hold because 14 surgeries and chemotherapy had me losing the use of my left arm and eventually the use of my right leg. And you hear more about that story in the book. But the practice of emotional healing, which is what I'm teaching in Coming Back to Life, it was birthed as a result of me being reborn after my cancer journey into this version of myself that is me at my essence, unapologetic and unafraid of my emotions, unapologetic to connect to my own truth and Follow it with a passion and a commitment that is above anything else, knowing that nothing more than the power in me, the light in me, is what I need in any and all moments. The next question: are there any traumas that are too much or too difficult or impossible to heal from? I'm gonna say no. Trauma is just you getting stuck in a moment somewhere in your life, heartbroken, in emotional pain that had your brain and your essence become stuck in fear. I have worked with some of the most traumatic, difficult, intense cases over the years, helping domestic violence marriages heal, helping the children that were part of that heal, with life-threatening terminal diagnoses, those traumas, they can heal. And I play the game that if it didn't kill you yet, it doesn't have to mean less of a life. It doesn't have to ruin your life. Divorces, losing every penny that you had, losing professional status, losing what you thought externally you needed to function. And to feel good about yourself and to know who you are. There is no trauma. There is no trauma that can't heal. I've healed through sexual abuse that is beyond horrific and abhorrent. I have healed through violence. I have healed through self-harm. I have healed through questioning myself and making myself a version of me that was dumbed down and dimmed down because I thought I was too much and I thought the world couldn't handle it. I have healed through going bankrupt, foreclosing on a home, being a broke single mother working 3 jobs that still couldn't make ends meet. And I have coached client after client, case after case, to connect to the root of what trauma is still running them that likely they thought they had done enough work to heal so that they could be free. And trauma really can heal and be the past that no longer bleeds into the present or needs to go with you into the future. And there is no trauma— I don't care how severe, how painful— in my professional opinion and life experience that can't heal. All that we need is commitment to healing. And that's why I've got this roadmap to help you heal from pain so you can create the life you want, no matter what it is. That you faced or are currently facing. What are a couple of books that I read during the pandemic that I really loved? I read Wish You Were Here by Jodi Picoult. I read The Big Leap. I read A Course in Miracles for the 4th time during pandemic. I love A Course in Miracles, 365 lessons to be done consecutively to change your life. I read Paul Ferrini's I Am the Door for a 2nd time. During pandemic. I have read and read and read. I have also, with my gorgeous book club, read some other great fiction. Nine Perfect Strangers was one that we read. I read all the time, and I'm so grateful for books, and I was so grateful to have books during the pandemic for sure. Is there anything else? That I want you to know about coming back to life. What I want you to know is that you are invited to take what you want and leave the rest. But more than anything, there's nothing outside of you more powerful than you and your ability to create and your ability to choose. And my wish, my greatest wish, is that you take this book and you let it bring you back home to you. There are resources at the end of the book for you to continue your journey if you desire, but let each word, each sentence, each chapter bring you to a place of clarity that has you feeling more alive and free. And let each journal question at the end of each chapter give you a chance to connect to your soul, so you can listen and hear what it has to say. I'm so excited for you. I'm so grateful that you're here watching this video and that you're interested in taking yourself on a journey back to you. You are the medicine that you have been waiting for, and you don't need life to be different or to have been different for you to be free and fully alive joyfully. Loving yourself and trusting yourself again. I've been asked to now read a passage from the book, so let's begin. And then everything changed. 7 years old. It's an age of playing, dreaming, and no worries. I'm 7. I have a hero and her name is Nana. Nana is my favorite and I'm lucky enough to have her close by. Most weekends we're together. She makes me pancakes and turns each one into whatever animal I want with a flick of her wrist. Unicorns, lions, tigers, and bears join us for breakfast every Sunday. She can do anything, and I love our moments together and look forward to them all week. I believed that I am loved and safe when I'm with her. Her house is 3 stories tall. But I'm not allowed on the third floor. I know that I'm supposed to be by my grandmother's side all the time when I'm with her, except she's not always awake or around. I don't understand that when she's sleeping, it's because she sometimes had too much to drink. One day she was sleeping and I went upstairs. The man was an adult who I love, so I go along because I don't want him to get mad at me. But I know my grandmother won't like this. There's yellow in the room. He starts touching me and takes my pants off. I'm confused and I'm not sure what to do or what's happening. I'm scared. Then I hear my grandmother come up the stairs. She comes into the room and starts screaming. Then she grabs me by the arm and yanks me down the stairs. She takes me into the pantry. She grabs a wooden paddle that hangs on the wall. I don't see it coming. The paddle knocks the wind out of me. It hurts. I can't breathe. I don't understand. Nana is screaming while she hits me. I somehow get away. I'm in shock. I run through my tears desperately trying to catch my breath. What have I done? Why am I in trouble? Who is this lady and where did Nana go? It's not fair. I'm so upset. One hand and foot at a time, I climb a tree in my favorite backyard. I decide that I'm not going to get out of this tree. It feels like I'm there for a long time, but who knows how much time goes by. I can see my grandmother at the bottom of the tree. She's trying to talk me into getting down. She can't reach me, which is a relief, and it's also terrifying. She can't hurt me. I'm scared of her and mad at her. Eventually, My parents show up and take me home. I don't remember what happens next. Soon after that day when everything changed, my grandmother passes away suddenly. She's too young to die, and I don't get to say goodbye. My parents say I'm too little to go to the funeral. I'm confused and scared and sad all over again. I don't know what to do, so I shut down. I bury the grief and my spirit, and I go on. I'm only 7. I decide I'm the reason she died. It's my fault. This was one of my first heartbreaks. We don't want to feel heartbreak. The problem is if we don't feel it, the pain stays stuck in our veins, in ourselves, and our hearts begin to close and the walls around us begin to grow. One event occurs and then we won't go for it again. One event and we choose to stop ourselves from being honest with ourselves and living fully. And the layers go deep. My grandmother was so special to me. She was my partner in crime. I associated fun with her. Then she was gone in a flash. I decided on a deep level that alone was better. This was the beginning of me rejecting and abandoning myself. Rejection is learned, and I bought into this hook, line, and sinker. At 7, I believed that I was someone who would be rejected, abandoned, and unsupported. My emotional body took a huge hit at 7, literally and metaphorically. Rejected and shut down is a deadly combo, and I turned it into a cocktail that was my go-to anytime I was upset. What's yours? The 7-year-old me got blindsided by my grandmother. In my little girl brain, she was not who I thought she was, and then she went away forever. I never got that I couldn't grieve or get mad about Nana beating me up severely and then dying. I tried to put on a brave face and move on and went up the metaphorical tree into la-la land alone. The pattern that was established looked like the women in my life, the ones I loved the most, died or disappeared. I then get blindsided and go dark. From there, there's no possibility. I'm alone. For decades, I shoved down how furious I was and internalized my pain. Then my pain bled out all over the place while I was hoping no one would be able to tell. Being alone was better than getting abused or abandoned. For much of my life, I wouldn't fully let people in. My grandmother was my hero. Her beating me up and then her death broke my heart. Our hearts break, and the bottom of our lives falls out. Too often we blame the fallout and the heartbreak on a person or a situation. Then, understandably, we avoid future fallout, sometimes on purpose, sometimes not meaning to. But if we're going to heal and grow and live, then what's no longer serving us must fall away. To make room for something new. Allow the fall away so you can get free. Courage helps us take our lives and power back, but we have to face the mirror first. When we face the mirror, that is life as it is now, we gain the courage to free fall into our next level of a more abundant, happy, authentic life. So that we can belong to ourselves again. Thank you again to the Boulder Bookstore and to all of you. Remember, the darkness is real, but so is the light, and the light in you, that's the medicine that we need, and that's the medicine you need to be part of healing the collective and to have life feel like your wildest dreams come true. Hope to see you again soon. Bye, everyone.