Beyond The Crossfire: Guiding Our Kids Through Friendship And Fear

Live and local with big pop in the morning mix photo 2.5 and it is a mental wellness Wednesday. Life coach Rebecca Silence Online rebeccasilence.com Rebecca, how you doing this morning?

Well, I am. Well, let's get into it.

All right. One of the things that has been happening locally over the last couple months and we're going to get serious here, there have been a slew of shootings with kids, young teens with guns shooting other teens and then retaliating and whatnot. Obviously it's a, it's a horrific situation. I'm gonna look at it from a parent point of view. What if you are a parent of one of these kids that runs with that crew and it could have been them kind of a deal. And like from my point of view, I don't know what I would do. I don't know how I would handle it. So let's, let's you talk about helping some people if, you know, if their child is, is part of this or around it and goes to school with some of these kids. What's, what's the best way to approach this?

Yeah, well, and first of all, let me just say no community is immune to teen gun violence. Unfortunately in 2024 in the United States, I used to be a director of school counseling for the middle school that fed into Columbine here in Colorado. And I'm just very familiar with school shootings and children shooting children. And I think it is incredibly devastating how normal it is. And at the same time, I just want perspective here for everyone because it doesn't mean something is wrong with our community or with your family. If you're a parent who has a child involved in this and there is healing needed and required on all levels. And I think one of the hardest things about being a parent, I've coached families for 16 years in my private practice, but I have a 19 year old. So when I started working with my own teenager and seeing her making choices, quite frankly, that scared me. And not knowing how to not make that about me, I had to take my work with families to a whole new level because now I'm actually having to live it and experience it right. And there does come a point where your children's choices are not about you and you respecting and understanding that is the only path forward for a long term adult relationship. And it's the only way for you to find some peace in the midst of watching your child make, make choices that could be terrifying, horrifying, upsetting. And you know, your children are also going to get To a point around 6th, 7th grade where they don't need to fit into the family anymore. Their primary need is to fit in with their peer group. So helping your children understand that they deserve and they should have standards in their friendships and their relationships and they should be looking what types of friends they have, you can do and you have control over that point. But from there, the friends your children choose, that's coming from a deep need to fit in. That's coming from a deep need to have a peer group and a social status that there's nothing as a parent you can do to manipulate, manager or control that outcome. Right. So I think there's three different conversations here. You know, the scary friend choices, the letting go of making your children's free will and agency and decisions about you. And then what if your child actually pulled a trigger or was involved in a shooting of another child? And you know, there's no way to have perspective that makes that okay. So we're not even going to try that. We're not going to put a positive in on this because there isn't one. Nor am I a positive coach. I don't care at all about being positive. I care about being real. Real. But here's what's real.

If you're trying before you get going, before you get going, what we're going to do is if you want to hear we're, we're just scratched the surface of this conversation. If you want to hear more, check it out online right now@mix1025.com you can also go to rebeccasilence.com all right, go ahead.

So what I know for sure is regardless of whether or not your child maybe pulled a trigger or fill that in with any choice they're making, that is terrifying, devastating, horrifying to you, they still deserve your unconditional love, your unconditional grace, and your unconditional support. What gets hard is getting into a punishment, reward dance with our kids where they're rewarded only when they behave how we want them to and they're punished. Whether that's you give them the cold shoulder, whether that's you lash out and yell, whether that's you take away the car keys. Punishment and reward is what most people do and it's understandable. It's what has been done for us. But it also gives this illusion of power and control. Right? Your children need unconditional love, grace and support more than ever. If they are at a place where they are making dangerous choices, whatever that might be, and if they are making dangerous Choices, they don't have self worth. And if they don't have self worth, their life is going to be really hard and they're going to accept breadcrumbs in their relationships and in their lives and in their circumstances unnecessarily. So you letting them know I don't approve of the choice. There's nothing you could ever do to make me love you less. There's nothing you could ever do to have me not support you as a soul, as a person who's worthy and deserving of second chances and a fresh start over and over again, anytime. There's a big difference between their choices and their soul and their humanity so separate that I was talking to a parent recently whose, whose daughter was making a pretty dangerous, scary choice. And he was saying, well, I don't want to validate my child because then that means I approve of the choice. And I said, hold on. What we're validating is their worth and how loved they are and how supported they are and how you're not going anywhere. We're not approving of the choice, not for one second, but we are approving of them and their right to have the best of you, even in the most terrible moment the next.

So how do you, how do you have that conversation, though? That's, that's, I mean, that's, that's what we're trying to get to is like, yeah, yes, you love your child unconditionally. Yes. You're not necessarily a fan of who they choose to spend their time with socially, and you're scared for them and the choices of not only your child, but of the group.

Absolutely. So here's how you have the conversation. You say, there is nothing you can do to make me love you less. There is nothing you can do that will have me take away my love, grace and support. And your choices are terrifying. I can't support them. And we need to look at, what are you needing mental health wise, emotional support wise. What can I do for you to help you make sure this never happens again? You're not your choice. You're human. You get to make mistakes and be forgiven. But we don't want this to become a pattern. So something needs to change. You're loved. I'm not mad at you. Definitely not about the choice. What support do you need? And if they don't know you, find a mental health professional. And there are several amazing coaches, therapists in the community that you can take your kids to. There are also plenty of support people that you can, you know, sign up virtually with your kid, find the right fit for your kid. But they need help outside of you. If this type of scenario is going on and they need someone objective and they need to have skin in the game to want to heal through whatever trauma pattern, have them play this out because this is, you know, I'll plant a seed here. This is a much bigger conversation. But when there is trauma, there's only two places for people to go without mental health and emotional support help. They either stay the victim on a subconscious level because they don't want to be the person that would do harm, or they become the person that does harm and they hate themselves for it, but they don't want to be the victim. So what we're not taught is that there's a third option called healing.

There's a but just to backtrack. Just to backtrack.

Yeah.

I'm trying to put myself in the, in the shoes of the parent. Trying to have the conversation.

Yeah.

And I guarantee, you know, you have that conversation with, there's nothing you do to make me love you last. Your decisions are scaring me. I don't necessarily approve of your decisions. The first thing I guarantee most children would say back, but, mom, they're my friends.

Well, here's the deal. If you that's.

And that's. And how do you combat that as a parent?

Yeah, let's, let's take it there for sure. But let's also just put into perspective. If you haven't opened a conversation with your kid, looking them in the eye, telling them there's nothing you can do to make me love you less, and there's nothing wrong with you. There's a lot wrong with the choice. But there's nothing wrong with you and we're going to get through this together. If you haven't done that, you don't have any idea how your kid is going to respond because that is going to shock them. They're going to expect judgment, criticism, punishment, you making it about you. So just know starting a conversation there alone is game changing for your family and for your relationship, child. But let's address the but, mom. They're my friends. Okay, I would say I get that. I validate them. That doesn't mean you approve. You start with validating. I hear you. They're your friends. They're the best friends you've ever had. You're loyal. That's one of the greatest characteristics about you. But at some point, babe, your loyalty needs to be to you or you go down to the sinking ship you're guilty by association and you are, as cliche as it sounds, the, you know, average of the people you hang out with. So if these people are making choices that hurt you or if you're being, this is the most important part. If you're being less of who you are because you don't want to lose them as a friend, we've got problems and we've got to look at that. And I can't tell you who to be friends with, but I can tell you you're worth relationships that bring out the best in you, not the worst. And if you are in relationships that bring out the worst in you right now, that's something for you to look at. And it doesn't mean you have to write people off, but you might want to evaluate and assess who your friends are and why and where you want your life to go and what type of help get you there. And one more time, if your friends aren't bringing out the best in you and they're bringing out the worst, that's on you. And that's something for you to look at. So this is an amazing opportunity in your life. Right now. You're at a fork in the road and you're either going to grow through this and become better as a result, or you're starting patterns that are going to make your life hard. And I can't decide for you. I'm here for you no matter what. But I want you to understand you do have choices and there's nothing about this current moment that means we can't figure it out together. And you're not alone. So you might want to play this episode on repeat a few times. I just said a lot really fast, but if you want the words, there you go.

No. And I guarantee we have helped a lot of parents start the conversation with their kids with just this, you know, 12, 13 minutes that you and I have gone back and forth. It's Mental Wellness Wednesday. Life coach Rebecca Silence. You can go to rebeccasilence.com for more information and all kinds of free content to help you with that. We do this every single Wednesday. Rebecca, thank you so much.

My honor. And you can go to rebeccasilence.com click on my emotional survival Kit course and take it with your teenager. It is a phenomenal program. So if you are ready for next level help where you don't have to be the only one trying to talk to your kid, try out the emotional survival kit. It's so good. And there's a money back guarantee.

Boom.