Bringing Back the Magic: Why You've Lost Intimacy With Your Partner and How to Get It Back

If intimacy has become a forgotten word in your marriage, and if your partner or spouse feels like a roommate and you're so not okay with that, you want to watch this video all the way through until the end? Okay, we're going. Okay. Hi, I'm Rebecca Silence, national marriage and family specialist, and this is the healing is possible experience. A show where every single week, we take you on a journey back to the best of you, back to the you that you've imagined you could be, and back to the you that you like when you look in the mirror. I'm so excited about this discussion today. This is a very real topic and issue that so many of my clients face. But most of the time, they don't talk about it. How bored they've gotten in their relationship, how dissatisfied, how unhappy, but most of all, how disconnected they've become from the person they love more than anything, from the person that they imagined the most beautiful life with. And life is just not measuring up to the expectations or to the commitment that was there in the beginning. So most importantly, please know you're not alone. Please know there's so much relief and hope available. And you being here with me today, watching this video, it's the beginning of the transformation back to what you're wanting. Love, intimacy, marriage, and relationship to feel like and to be like. Today we're going to talk about the three reasons why all of a sudden this love story is so disappointing and why now you feel like you have a roommate instead of a lover, instead of a partner, and instead of a spouse. And again, please stick around till the end of the video. And if you haven't already subscribe to The Rebecca Silence YouTube channel, hit that notification bell so you can get the most, up to the minute information on my latest content and share this episode or any of my episodes with someone that you know and love, that you know would benefit greatly from hearing this healing message and from receiving this content. Okay, so without further ado, what's the first reason why your spouse has become a roommate and you're over it? It's really simple. Intimacy is more of a threat than something you value. Here's why I'm saying it like that. Intimacy. It's so much more than sex. This is a really important point. I'm. People think of intimacy and they think of sex. And so often when we hear the term intimacy, and especially rekindle intimacy, when we hear these words put together, we think, I'm not ready to have sex. I don't want to have sex. I'm Mad this person is behaving badly. And I honestly don't want to give my body to them right now based on their behavior or based on their. The status of our relationship at this time. Intimacy is so much more than sex. So let's talk about that for a moment. When I'm talking about intimacy, I'm talking about my soul seeing and receiving and experiencing yours. It's emotional, it's spiritual. Sex is part of it. Sex is so certainly intimate, but it's physical. And when we only let intimacy be physical, it's so superficial. And we also, often, without meaning to, we use sex as a band aid or as a mask or as a way to connect on that superficial level so that we don't have to go deeper. But the truth is, I mean, I've been working in private practice with couples for more than 15 years at this point. We want depth. When we're unhappy in our relationship, we're bored, and we want more depth. But intimacy, it scares us. It's a threat. Here's why. Growing up, we didn't see emotional, let alone spiritual, intimacy modeled to us. And when we think about vulnerability and sharing our soul with another person, we often think of it as a threat because we didn't learn growing up the world could handle us at our deepest core level. I want you to think about that. The world can handle you. You know, what's that Jack Nicholson quote from A Few Good Men? You can't handle the truth. We learned that so young and so unconsciously that we've been avoiding letting the truth of who we are out in our most intimate relationships because we believe and expect on some level, our partner won't be able to handle it. And we don't want to be abandoned. We don't want more rejection. We don't want more evidence that we're too much. You know, in so many of my relationships that I've had more than I can count. You know, when I'm on my second marriage, it's going strong because I have learned the practice of emotional healing. I've learned that vulnerability is my superpower. I've learned how to open my heart unapologetically. And I'm unwilling not to keep my heart open for anyone, any thing, any reason at this point. More on that later. But so many of my previous relationships had me literally hearing words like, you're too much, you're crazy, I can't keep up with you. You need to slow it down, you need to dumb it down. I literally had the person I was with right before my current husband now say to me, being with you and is like having my face just dragged through the mud. I'm just trailing behind you and I can't keep up and I can't have that. But he wasn't saying it in a way that was kudos to you for being who you are. Kudos to you for being someone who's incredible. He was saying, if you don't slow it down, this isn't going to work. If you don't dumb it down, dim your light, there's no future for us. That's what he was saying. My response was thanks, but no thanks. Thought you were going to be my next husband. Thought this was going to be the fairy tale outcome, dream come true relationship I've been reaching for and hoping for and wishing for. Guess not. Thank you next. Now the thank you next. Especially if you knew me back then. A lot of tears came along with the thank you next. Lot of devastation came with thank you next. I'm human, I'm not pretending. It wasn't difficult, it was devastating. But I was unwilling to settle or lower my vibe or lower my standards. And because you couldn't handle me, aligned and powerful and authentic, I knew there had to be better and more. And I wasn't going to cave or settle or slow my life down for anyone. And so I found myself single again. But the truth is, it's because we grew up not getting the message. You are so lovable, exactly as you are and for who you are. And anyone that gets to experience you on the most intimate levels, they are so blessed. They are so lucky. We didn't hear that. I didn't hear that. And I've never met anyone in my private practice, work or even in my personal life that heard the message, there's nothing you can do to make me love you less. You're amazing just as you are. And in the moments that you're afraid you're too much, those are the moments to turn the volume all the way up on who you are, who you really are at your most powerful. We saw people self sacrificing in the name of love all over the place growing up. We saw people threatened by intimacy, a victim to intimacy, heartbroken and leveled because of love, marriage, relationships. And on some level we decided, I don't want that for me. But here's the problem. We decided we didn't want that. But then we didn't know we could expect better than that. So now we're in this very difficult double bind. Okay, is this making sense? Please comment and reach out letting me know how you're hearing this. Because you're not alone. And this is all that went on. We saw really limited examples of intimacy and possibility. And we knew on some level early on in our programming, intimacy comes with a lot of heartbreak, a lot of baggage, and it's a threat. And it's a threat we need to protect ourselves from. And what if I say to you today, only if you want that to be your reality, does it need to continue? All right, so the first reason why our roommate is a roommate instead of a spouse and our marriage is not what we hoped for or expected is because intimacy is a threat. The second reason why our partner is now a roommate is because we are more comfortable guarding our hearts than opening our hearts in the moments it would matter the most to open. When you want to guard and close your heart, that is absolutely the moment to open up. But again, because intimacy is a threat, we feel like that would make us exposed, that would make us crazy. We're supposed to protect ourselves from love and intimacy and vulnerability. Right? Wrong. I'm gonna say wrong, not you're wrong. But this example and culture that we live in, especially in the United States, that says, guard your heart, protect yourself. Especially when it comes to marriage and love, I'm gonna tell you, it's total fucking horseshit. You guarding yourself and you protecting yourself is keeping you in survival. It's keeping you dissatisfied. But worse, it's keeping you disconnected and alone, even though you're in a relationship or if you're single, wanting a relationship but terrified to pursue it. This is why we think love means we're gonna get hurt. We expect that. We believe that unconsciously, and we prove it. Right? We feel like self preserv protection is a good thing. No, it's actually not. Self protection means you are asking the universe to give you more evidence that you need to be protected. Self protection means you don't trust or have faith that you're safe in this lifetime, so you create more evidence that you're not safe. But here's the deal. You are so gorgeous and magnificent and beautiful. And you are so much more powerful than any external threat I've gotten out of a domestic violence marriage. I've beaten cancer with a 5% chance to live. If you're just meeting me, that's just a little bit of my story. You can read my book Coming Back to Life, A roadmap to heal from pain to. To create the life you want. If you want to hear more about me, but I'M not Little Miss Positivity. It's been an easy road. I've been through the dark. I have been the dark wanting to end my life multiple times. I have been someone who felt so inferior and so inadequate and so exposed. And in those moments, what I realized and what I discovered was my power was my greatness. And I want to make it a less turbulent long road for you than it was for me to get to the point where I was like, oh my God. There is nothing to defend. There is nothing to protect. There's more of me to access and to let out into the world vulnerably. And only when I do that, only when I go, oh, hold on a second, I want to run and hide and shut down. Therefore I'm going to open up more. Only from there did I meet myself and experience the best of myself. And only because I was brave enough to meet and experience the best of myself was I able to be someone who's not threatened ever again. I want you to be someone who can't be threatened on a soul level. I'm not saying your partner didn't cheat. I'm not saying you weren't abused growing up. I'm not saying that the last relationship that leveled you and left your heart on the floor, stomped on, didn't happen. What I'm saying is you are so much more powerful and you have such a next level experience of love available to you, but only if you get out of self protection mode. Self protection means you get about this much access to love, possibility, intimacy and the best of what love can offer you. Self protection means you are expecting the worst, you therefore you experience the worst. And again, I'm not saying the reality of other people's bad behavior isn't real. I'm saying you're more powerful. A course in miracles says in my defenselessness, my safety lies. What if there's nothing to protect and there's nothing to defend? There's just you, vulnerably and powerfully living and choosing you. Regardless of what is going on around you and regardless of how your spouse is showing up. Here's what I want to invite you to do for an assignment and a challenge today, not tomorrow, not this week. Today. I want you to take one minute, set a timer, look in a mirror, lock eyes with yourself. Go. Hello gorgeous. You're a badass. You made it this far because there's so much more available to you. Unhealed. People don't know how to take care of your heart because they don't know how to take care of yours. Love doesn't hurt. Unhealed people are reckless and careless in love. Now here's the doozy. You don't need the unhealed person to heal, and then you're going to be safe in love. You need to heal so that you can model that possibility for your marriage, for your partner. My job is to help kids have healed parents. That's it. That's what I do. I help adults heal so that their kids can have healed parents. Our kids need us healed. We need us healed. And our partners need us healed. Not because we have this over responsibility or pressure on our shoulders, but because it's possible. And if you're hanging out with me, my God, you want more. And if you don't know me yet and you just stumbled across this video and you're here, welcome to the family. Welcome to the healing is possible movement. I am about you going first so that every life you touch can benefit. Your partner is doing the best they can based on their level of awareness and their tools. Your parents, same thing. They did their best based on their level awareness and their tools. But if you're here, you're the cycle breaker. You're the badass in the family that says there has to be more. Generational trauma has to be able to heal. You don't have to know how yet. You just have to raise your hand and say, hey, I'm done guarding myself and protecting myself in the name of love. In my defenselessness, my safety lies because I don't need to be guarded and gearing up and bracing myself when it comes to love and marriage and family and what I believe love, marriage and family could be is glorious. And I'm tired of accepting crumbs when it comes to love and marriage and family. If this is you, please know you breaking up with being willing to protect yourself in the name of love will only do you good. The next thing I'm going to talk about are boundaries. The third reason your spouse has become a roommate or your lover, your partner, has become a roommate instead of what you dreamed was possible is because your boundary game hasn't been that strong. And I say this with so much love and no judgment and my God, are you not alone in this. This is all of us. I've never met someone that was like, born with healthy boundaries and knew how to keep them, especially after heartbreak. Boundaries. We're gonna have a conversation about this now. Boundaries mean I am a stand for me. Boundaries aren't a weapon. Boundaries aren't. I can't be okay unless you do what I need you to do. Show up how I need you to show up and give me what I need you to give me so that my needs are met. Boundaries are you going? Regardless of how you show up, and this is even with your kids, by the way, I am unwilling to abandon what's right and best and correct for me. Boundaries are me going. I'm responsible for getting my needs met. I'm unwilling to not get my needs met. Mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, financial. We could go on and on. I am the catalyst for and the hero in my story that guarantees my needs get met 100% of the time. And all boundaries are are me knowing what I mean to take care of me. And boundaries mean I'm unwilling not to take care of me. Therefore, there's no threat. I don't need anything from the people in front of me, including my spouse, including my kids, to get my needs met. My needs will be met. And I am unapologetic in my communication style to let people know, here's who I am, here's what I need, here's what I want, here's how I feel. Here's the solution. I am inviting you to consider with me. I am available to negotiate until the cows come home with people who are respectful and reciprocating my desire to have the best relationship possible. And if you want to work with me, great. And if you don't, good information for me to have. And that's all it is, is information. So boundaries. Just to give you a little nugget to practice and play with today. Are you going? I know because I got honest with myself. What honors, respects and takes care of me in this moment and what respects and takes care of me in my marriage, in my primary relationship is more connection. So either you want that with me or you don't. So your next step is to bravely say, listen, we're both part of the problem. We're both guaranteed going to need to be part of the solution. We can do better. We owe it to ourselves and we owe it to our kids. Do you want more connection with me in this relationship? Yes or no? We're so afraid to have the hard conversation because we don't want more abandonment. But if you haven't said, hey, we deserve better, I want better. I love you too much to let crumbs be enough, to let good enough be good enough. To let more of what you grew up with and what I grew up with be how we live today. I want something different. I imagined that Love could be so good. That's why I married you or that's why I chose you and committed to you. This is boundaries. You communicating without attachment to how they're going to respond. You have inside of you so much power. You don't need to avoid more heartbreak or expect more heartbreak. You need to understand intimacy has been a threat. You've been afraid to open your heart and your boundary game has been weak. And now it's time to make it stronger. So much here in this conversation today, I don't want you overwhelmed. I want you to trust yourself, to know that you just like you've been able to survive survival. You have what it takes to survive alignment, to become someone who's unshakably whole and aligned. And from that place, you can next level your relationship beyond belief. No more going through the motions. No more fearing intimacy, shutting down your heart and avoiding the real conversations and healthy, strong boundaries. You and your partner, you can do a hard reset. And my course, the Emotional Survival Kit, I have been told over and over and over again it is the best money couples have spent to reconnect to the truth of who they are and to reconnect to what's possible as two healed adults partnering together, wanting the best marriage and relationship available, especially so that they can model especially so that they can model that for their kids. So for today, I want you to find one minute to lock eyes with yourself and go, wait a minute. You don't need to shut your heart down. You need to open it more if you're going to receive the best love story, experience and intimacy available. Intimacy is emotional, intimacy is spiritual. And if you're gonna wait for your partner to do better and then you get to do better, you're gonna be waiting a long time. And if you keep ending marriages and starting new ones thinking they're gonna be something different before you've healed your heartbreak, before you've decided to take on intimacy with an open heart and with boundaries. I lovingly am just gonna say good luck. You're here because you have what it takes to create even better than your dream of love. I'd be honored to be your coach and to be your guide. Thank you for watching this episode of the Healing is Possible Experience. Thank you for joining me, Rebecca Silence, and for staying with me this long. Today, go to rebeccasilence.com There are several free resources where you can get started. But if you're just ready to dive into the deep end, take the emotional survival Kit course. And I believe in it so much. There's a money back guarantee, so you have nothing to lose. Today is about planting seeds. The course will guide you into a next level paradigm around intimacy. It will show you how to open your heart safely. And it will teach you boundaries like you can't believe or imagine that and it's worth it. And it's seven 20 minute lessons. It's less than three hours. I'm not here to suck up your time. I'm here to give you the best I've got fast. You deserve it. Your marriage deserves it. Your kids deserve it. I see you. I'm cheering you on. The darkness is real, but so is the light in you. And love and intimacy, they are medicine. They are so, so beautiful. And you deserve more of what you want. When it comes to love and intimacy, what you saw growing up, that's not love and intimacy. That's two unhealed parents surviving and protecting themselves and playing out patterns that they inherited. You can be the cycle breaker. And if you're here, you already are. Go to rebeccasilence.com, check out the emotional survival Kit. Don't forget to subscribe to the Rebecca Silence YouTube channel. Hit that notification bell. And again, share this episode with someone that you know. And again, share this episode with someone you know who could benefit from the content. I love you so much. I can't wait to see you soon. Healing isn't promised, but it's possible. And not only that, it's possible for you. When you do the work and be the person that says, in my defenselessness, my safety lies. I am more powerful than anything I faced or am facing. And I'm ready. I'm ready for the depth and the intimacy and the love I know I deserve. And you so deserve it. All right, signing off. For now. Thanks again for being here. Love you. See you soon, Sam.