Caught Cheating at Coldplay?! What This Life Coach Says Will SHOCK You

We're live and local. It's Big Papa in the morning. Mixpoto 2.5 on a mental wellness Wednesday with the unsilent woman, Rebecca. Silence. Life coach extraordinaire. You can go to rebeccasilence.com theunsilentwoman.com as well. Rebecca, good morning. How are you?

Well, I love you all, and I'm so happy to be here.

Well, I'm happy you're here, too.

Let's make magic.

Okay, so one of the big things that's going on right now is everything that happened at the Coldplay concert over the weekend.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

I don't know how you miss this. Right?

No, you don't. You don't. And that.

But no offense to anybody that doesn't know what we're talking about, but we'll break it down for you.

Yeah. So what I figure would be the best way to handle this, since this is on the top of everyone's mind. Obviously, this gentleman was at a concert with someone that he, you know, was not his significant other, and they got caught. So the question to you is, you know, not whether or not cheating is right or cheating is wrong. That's not the question. Say you've made that decision to go outside your relationship, and you get caught. What do you do?

Okay, well, let's just also say she also was with someone not her significant other, and got caught, not just him. Okay. Right. Like, all. All's fair here. And I want to talk about a couple of things. We'll start with your question, but then I want to actually teach the anatomy of an affair and why we cheat and how that happens, because I think that's going to benefit everybody here in my private practice, so. So it's hard to believe that I have been at this almost a quarter of a century, over a thousand through my private practice. I would dare say 60% of the time, I'm dealing with coaching an affair. Okay. And that isn't an exaggeration. That's probably a generous, you know, stat for you here. It is so common. It is so common. That doesn't make it okay. But I'm going to say something a little controversial. If you got caught, you wanted to. Let's just let that sit, okay? Sometimes we want to get caught. I'm not saying it's conscious. When you hire me privately or are a member of my own your voice society, and I'm your coach there. If you work with me, you're wanting the truth to come out, and almost always it's unconscious.

So, yeah, when you say. When you say you want to get caught, it's not like, I'm gonna do this. It's more of a totally unconscious.

Totally unconscious.

If they really wanted to hide it, they would take the extra steps to super duper, super duper, hide it. But, you know, when you're going out in public, that's a, you know, that's a unconscious. Yeah, you know.

Yeah, yeah. Because see, every behavior that was not.

English, but it communicated, you know what I'm saying?

Well, because in this situation, and we're not making light of this, some of you are being cheated on right now, and you're in hell. Some of you are cheating and can't live with yourself, and you'd rather stick needles in your eyes than look at yourself in the mirror. Right. Like, this is a really real thing. And I wanted to say earlier, I've dealt with this so much because it's more common than we think, but, you know, it is unconscious, and every behavior has a need underneath it. Right? So I always say, not what the behavior, but why the behavior in terms of not why did we make the choice, but why what did we need? Because every choice fulfills the need. Every behavior fills the need. But yeah, if you're a couple of heads of a company and you're out in public to that extreme, we're not really that worried about getting caught. I mean, the first thought I had was you could run into an employee. I mean, it's not the jumbotron. It's the jumbotron showcasing. This is happening for more people than we realize. And here's the real bs. I think how many people are taking this and running with it like they're better than these people, Right? It gives us this false sense of superiority because you didn't get caught or because you're the one that got cheated on and not the cheater? And then you get to make the cheater, you know, this villain. Because how dare they? It gives us this weird sense of not paying attention to what matters most, how we're showing up for ourselves and with other people.

And we are going to get into more as far as why these things happen and why we want to get caught in all those things. Online right now, mix1025.com with the unsilent woman, Rebecca Silence life coach, the unsilentwoman.com.

Okay, so let's talk a little bit about the anatomy of an affair now, because I don't think anybody wanted to get caught on purpose, but I know when we're. And I'm going to use the word integrity. It's this big, sticky, icky word for people. What I mean by integrity is just how true you're being to yourself. So when you're not being true to yourself, your values, when you're not the person you know you're capable of being and you're sick and tired of being less than who you are, you want something to happen to force you to right the ship to be a better version of you. And the problem with that is you do not need breakdown to break through, Right? I don't care what anybody else will tell you. You don't need to break down to breakthrough. You don't need to blow up your life. You don't need a crisis to be able to get yourself together, get your poop in a group, right? You can just decide to decide, but most people don't. Most people wait for life to force their hand and the sky to fall, and then they get it together. So I have never had a case where the person that cheated didn't have a parent who cheated.

Say that again.

I have never had a case where the person who cheated didn't have a parent who cheated.

Okay.

Okay. Ever. And I look for it because I'm not an absolute coach. Like, this is absolutely how things work. I'm just telling you, I have had hundreds of cases. I've never had a client that was the cheater that didn't have a parent who cheated. Now, it can get a little dicey because that doesn't always mean sex with somebody else. It can be addiction, it can be workaholic. But in almost every case I know in my private practice, every case, it actually was sex with somebody else and the parent had a parent that had sex with somebody else. But cheating can also be avoidance to intimacy and putting your energy. I mean, I've had clients and in my first marriage, my best female friend, I was more married to her than I was to my husband, right? So like where you're putting your heart, your time, your energy, your effort instead of dealing with your spouse, that's on you. So it's always in a childhood experience where parents were going through an affair too, the kid unconsciously either decides, I'm going to be the one who never gets cheated on because that looks terrible, or I'm going to be the one. You know, the opposite. Right. That that is never going to be the cheater. So I want to be careful with how much I say about specifics here, but I'm thinking about a particular case and you know this guy was never going to be the one, you know, cheated on and was constantly accusing the girlfriend of cheating. And that's a red flag. If you're not cheating and your partner's accusing you of cheating. There might be something up. My first husband.

And that something up normally is when there's smoke, there's fire, they're accusing you but you're not doing anything. The reason it's on the top of their mind is because they're the ones doing it hypothetically, allegedly.

Well, and I've never said it like this before, I don't know why I'm talking about poop so much today. But like the, the one who smelt it, dealt it, right? Like it's, it's that. Okay, but with the affairs too. And you'll have to excuse me, I was at Mumford and Sons at Red Rocks last night till like 2:30 in the. So I'm a little giddy and punchy and tired today. But. And I'm not making light of this because it's really serious. Right, but think about it. If you had a parent that had an affair, did you decide I'm not going to be cheated on or did you decide I'm never going to be the cheater? Right, because you are playing out. This is all there is. Okay, like really take that in. And this is not all there is. This is just how it was in your childhood. And we play at our pain until we heal it. So buy my book. Coming back to life like now if you want to know how to break cycles for good for your family. But the other thing I want to say about the anatomy of an affair is the person who got cheated on is equally responsible for the affair, not the partner actually having sex with somebody else, but for your contribution to the levels of disconnection in the relationship. That got it to the point where this relationship needed a Hail Mary pass, needed a breakdown to break through. In a weird way, the person cheating is wanting something in their life to be different and fighting for that, even if it's dysfunctional. Do not hear me as defending the cheater. Do not. I was cheated on like crazy in my first marriage to the point where I hacked my ex husband's MySpace. This is how long ago this was. And I found he was single on MySpace, very married with kids. I'm on here and I am messaging all the women telling them run as far as you can, as fast as you can. This guy is married with kids. This is not a single person. Right? But you know, I had been contributing to the disconnection. I already shared my best friend I was in more of a relationship with than my own husband. I wanted it to look good. I didn't care about dealing with the emotional ick and the dysfunction that was going on. I didn't want to deal with that Right. So I was a part of it. So it's never your fault. But where are you contributing to disconnection? Where in your history was there heartbreak, maybe even an affair in your childhood that you're still playing out and re experiencing? You have an opportunity to heal yourself so that you get beyond this is all there is for you. And to this couple, I just want to say that got caught on the jumbotron. You're actually leading us in being better for ourselves, our marriages and our families. And I see you as innocent. And I know you were doing your best. And it didn't have to get to this point, but it did. Now how do you recover? Okay, that's the last part here. How do you recover? You've got to see yourself as innocent. You've got to love yourself more than you think is appropriate. Give yourself grace and compassion, period. You're human. We're flawed. The flaws of the frosting. If anybody is lucky enough to know your flaws, they are so freaking blessed. And find the people that support you in your humanity and will grow with you. Just because you made a choice doesn't mean now life is over. Now you can't recover. That choice is a reflection of you surviving. If it didn't go well, if you're not proud of it, there's a healed you in there. Take this moment to become it. You can recover. So many. We see it with celebrities all the time. Celebrities recover. You can recover. Look at Robert Downey Jr. He's like one of the highest paid actors in history now. And that guy didn't have to recover from addiction or choices that he made. You can recover. You are not your choices. Your choices are a reflection of how healed you are or not. Healing is possible in only every situation and in every breakdown. You can get closer to yourself and other people.

You're absolutely right. It is a mental wellness Wednesday. She is the unsilenced woman, Rebecca Silence. Life Coach extraordinaire. Details RebeccaSilence.com the Unsilent Woman. Com and this is the only segment where it actually makes sense for he who smelt it, dealt it, and the who denied it, supplied it all at the same time. It just. It just makes sense for this, for this conversation.

And I have a gift. I just. I just had a little spark. DM me on Instagram Rebecca Silence. Emotional cpr. And I'll send you a free masterclass. Because we have affairs because we don't know how to deal with our emotions. We run pain because we don't know how to deal with our emotions. DM me at Rebecca Silence. Rebecca has an H. Emotional cpr. And I'm going to send you a free master class.

It's a Mental Wellness Wednesday at mix photo 2.5. We'll talk to you next week.