Changing Ourselves to Create What We Want

And you're like, wow, I really don't like this about myself. If this is how I'm coming off that way, how can that be changed?

What often can happen is either denial. Like, I don't want to see that. I don't want to look at that. I'm like, you know, putting my fingers in my ears, closing my eyes. No, no, no, no, no. Or exactly. Or they try to get everything around them to change. People, places and things for them to feel like they have permission to get what they want, feel how they want, live how they want. Those two default ways that people address, wait a minute. Something's gotta change. It only breeds more stress, more suffering, and more misery.

Mix 102.5, the best mix from the 90s to now. It's Big Papa in the afternoon. It is a Mental Wellness Wednesday with life coach Rebecca Sarah. Rebecca, silence. RebeccaSilence.com Coming back to life is the name of the book. Rebecca, how are you?

I am so well. I've got my. I am unable to quit because I am currently too legit shirt on, and I am ready for Mental Wellness Wednesday.

Tell me that you were raised in the 90s without telling me you were raised in the 90s. That's exactly that.

Raising my hand.

One of the things that we've, what we've done over the years is being able to take a step back and take a look at yourself, you know, whether it be through, you know, through a mirror or just trying to take a step back from the day to day stuff and just kind of look at yourself from other people's point of view, from other people's eyes. My question this week is when you recognize something that you may not necessarily like, that is there. How do you go about addressing them and making them the way that you want? I realize that's kind of a vague question, but, you know, if you, if you're looking at yourself from an outside point of view and you're like, wow, I really don't like this about myself. If this is how I'm coming off that way, how can that be changed?

This is such a juicy, beautiful, powerful question. Because what most people do in the face of noticing something isn't working specifically about how they're living or how they're showing up in the world. What often can happen is either denial, like, I don't want to see that, I don't want to look at that. I'm like, you know, putting my fingers in my ears, closing my eyes. No, no, no, no, no. Or exactly. Or they try to get everything around them to change people, places and things for them to feel like they have permission to get what they want, feel how they want, live how they want. Those two default ways that people address. Wait a minute. Something's got to change. It only breeds more stress, more suffering, and more misery. So let's talk about.

Hold up. Before you get going, before. I want to be. I want to be clear. You know, we're all about, you know, be who you are and live your best life and be unapologetic for who you are. We're talking about you looking at the mirror and being like, I don't like this about me and you wanting to change something about yourself. I want to make sure that that's blatantly clear because that, you know, once we get down the rabbit hole, it could be construed different ways. I want to make sure that's clear on the upfront.

I'm so glad you're reiterating it, because again, when we notice that, how often do we want to pretend like we're not seeing what we're seeing? Or how often do we think everybody else and everything around us needs to change for us to be able to have what we want, be who we want? And none of that works, right? The denial doesn't work. And needing everything else to change for you to be okay, what a recipe for disaster. So with all of that being said, here's the good news. Guess how you know it's not true for you, whatever it might be, it feels like crap. So if how you're thinking feels like crap, what you're thinking isn't actually the truth of you, what you believe, it's just programming or what you've known in your ego and survival trying to take over. If the way that you feel in your relationships is crappy, you're not authentically being who you want to be. That's the problem. I can't tell you how often specifically in relationships I have people coming to me, and they have a real laundry list of issues with someone and they're not wrong. Some of it is weird, but if I'm unhappy in a relationship, it's because I am not liking who I'm being. So the number one gift you can give yourself is to make a decision. And here's where it starts. You can decide to decide that you are someone who loves, likes, and respects yourself day in, day out, no matter what, any place you're suffering, you're just not being someone that you want to be. Now, this is very simple, but but the thing about it is I say this, the mission is healing. The cure is self responsibility. The only way to change your life is to focus on what you have control over and to get in alignment. Meaning what you say is in alignment with who you want to be, what you think is in alignment with who you want to be, how you behave and the choices and decisions you make are in alignment with who you want to be. So this isn't look in the mirror and beat yourself up more coaching. This isn't look in the mirror and beat yourself up because if you're suffering, it's your fault. That's not what we're saying. This is about lightening it up and going, wait a minute, there's never a reason to beat myself up. And more importantly, there's never a reason to suffer or be stressed ever. One of my mentors, Brendan Burchard, he talks about, and then one day I decided to give up stress and hurry and my whole life changed. What I'm asking everyone listening to do is let this be the one day, let this be the day where you decide, I am all done suffering. And the way out of suffering is to bravely be more and more honest. Here's the good news. If you don't like how you're showing up, I mean, Mark and I, last night, my husband and I, we were playing cards with my mom and we were talking about early on in Rebecca and Markland how things would go go and I would agree to things because I didn't want to upset people. And then it would be really hard on my marriage because I didn't want to upset my family. I was risking disrespecting my husband's needs and wants and I wouldn't communicate and I wouldn't create a win win because I didn't want to upset people over here. The truth is that wasn't really me, that was survival me that didn't want to rock the boat, that didn't want to lose my family, that didn't want to upset anybody. Meanwhile, I'm really creating a rift in my own marriage. So the point is, don't be afraid that you being honest about what you need and want and what takes care of you is going to make things worse. Here's what will happen. When you're authentic, you don't hurt anything, you don't create more conflict. You just get to see what's real. You get to see what's real about how people respond to you being honest and authentic. You get to see the truth about how People are going to behave. I say this all the time. When you get real, three things will happen in your relationships. 1. People will easily work with you. 2. People will get frustrated but they'll still work with you. Or three. They go away. Here's what I have found to be true after 15 years coaching and after we just figured this out, my team and I. I have been helping people heal since 2002. Okay, if people go away, they were always looking for a reason. There is nothing you could have done to save a relationship. That someone runs away, puts their walls up and decides they don't want anything to do with you. That is not your fault if they run. They were always looking for a reason to run. So let's not try to prolong the inevitable and let's look at it. Let's see what's real and let's let them go. Blow them a kiss. Wish you well. You were never going to want to show up in a way that was willing to grow with me as I grow. So good to know. Long term you're not someone that's going to be in my life. I'm not saying this isn't painful or upsetting or difficult in moments. But I'm saying you deserve a life that is real. The right real relationships, the right real environment, the right real job with the right real team. I could go on and on and on. You deserve what's real. But guess what? You're not going to get it when you're not real. So don't be afraid to risk being real. Don't be afraid to look in the mirror and give yourself more love and compassion. Don't be afraid to get more honest with yourself when they're stressed or suffering. And just know any place you're suffering, you're completely out of alignment with who you want to be. And that is not something to beat yourself up over. It's something to take a deep breath and relax and release. There's no room. You have come too far and you haven't come this far to come this far. You get to have it all and you won't if you're not real and honest with yourself. And the world can handle it. And anybody that can't, blow him a kiss. Thank you.

Next Name of the book is Coming Back to Life. You can get it wherever books are sold. You can also visit rebeccasilence.com Life coach Rebecca Silence on a Mental Wellness Wednesday. Great stuff as always. We'll talk to you next week.

Cheers to realness. Love you all. See you soon.