Confession Tueday 4-15-14 "CANT MOVE ON"

All right, 7:23 at Kiss FM, it's Big Papa in the morning. Rainy, some snow mixing in in the afternoon. One to three inches expected. High 61. Right now we are at 61 degrees. Sidekick search week two finalists. Chelsea will be in studio all this week. And just like we did with with Bana last week, we're gonna keep the sidekick search contestants out of confession Tuesday just to make it fair. Number one, I don't expect them to, like, super duper open up. And who knows what we're going to end up talking about on confession Tuesday. So I want it to be fair for everybody. So that's why Chelsea's not going to be a part of the confession Tuesday stuff. But with that being said, it is a confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning. Welcome home.

Thank you.

Like, you got. You got home, like way, way, way late last yesterday. I did so. And you, you and hu went off to Netherland, Colorado. Yeah.

And we were at a life coach training program.

Okay.

I was helping facilitate and sweet Mark was participating. I don't know if he's necessarily going to be a coach, but he's just interested in the work, which makes me very happy, very cool.

And if anything, I mean, if anything, he learns more about and he knows what you do, but this absolutely opens his eyes even more to what you do and what you experience and, you know, kind of the method to your ma. I don't want to say method to your madness, you know, like your cray cray, but, but, you know, but at the same time, you know, having a real good understanding of what you do on a daily basis absolutely helps everything.

So, yes, no, no doubt. We had a really great time.

Wonderful, wonderful. So if this is your first experience with a confession Tuesday, here's how we roll. You go to cnykiss.com and you tell us your story. And what we'll do is we will address it here on the radio confidentially. And as we help you, we're gonna end up helping so many more people because most people don't think so. But a lot of people share in whatever it is that's going on in your world.

Right, Byron? Katie, a healer talks about how, you know, there's no new suffering. Everybody has the same issues, problems, fears on some level. So when you write your email, you're helping thousands of people every single time.

All right, so are you ready for email number one? All right, here we go. Dear Big Papa and Rebecca, I have a 2 year old with a man who I absolutely Love. We had a very bad breakup one week after our baby was brought home from the hospital. It's been two and a half years and I'm not able to really move on. We keep going back and forth with each other. We will be great for four months and then not talk for six months. We went to counseling and nothing has changed. Deep down, I want to have a family. I want to have my family back. Deep down I want to have my family back. But I also want to be happy and have a normal relationship. I recently met a great guy, very financially stable, great job, respectful gentleman who opens the door for me is just like every woman's dream man. He is very into me. In making this clear, I. I'm stopping it from going any further because in the back of my mind I keep thinking about my ex in caps. I know I deserve better, but how do I just move on?

Thank you for this email. The first thing I want to say is that I don't know what a normal relationship would look like. So good luck trying to find that. I honestly have no idea what a normal relationship would be. Right. And think about it. How many of us strive for that ideal professional experience, Great, normal relationship. But there's no finish line because it's so vague. Right. How do you measure that? So the first thing I want to say to everyone is that whatever you're in, whatever types of relationships you're experiencing, what if it's not good or bad, just an opportunity for you to get closer to. To having what you're wanting. Right, right. I mean, what I mean by that is every experience in a relationship, and again, it doesn't have to just be romantic, can be a guide to get you closer to the goals that you actually have. So what I'm wanting for people is whether it's a romantic goal or any other type of goal for you to make it measurable, find a way to make it measurable. So if you're wanting to be a happily married woman, for example.

Yeah. How do you make that measurable? Is there like a tape measure?

Well, I'm wanting a distinction between like, let me just have a normal or a great relationship and something you could measure. So something you could measure is if you want to be married, are you married, or you're not married.

Okay.

If you're wanting to have children, do I have children? Do I not have children? If you're wanting to make X number of dollars a year instead of I want more money, you can find a penny in the parking lot.

Okay.

You've Created more money. Right. So I'm wanting people to get more specific about what it is that they're looking for. So in your situation, consider the possibility that the relationships we chase are the ones that we think are possible.

Say that again.

The relationships we chase are the ones that we think are possible.

Okay.

And this can look like dysfunction if all I have on my radar is that men cheat, men lie, women are, you know, crazy. Whatever my beliefs are, that's what I go after.

Okay.

Even if it doesn't make any sense about what I would put on paper that I want. Right.

Sure.

So I'm going after. I'm chasing in my relationships what I believe is possible for me. So she wrote in all caps, I know I deserve better.

Right.

I'm gonna say, until you have better. No, you don't. Until you have better, than. There's not a chance that you actually think you deserve better. You might flirt with the fantasy that maybe someday I'll deserve better, but until you have it, you don't think you deserve better. So that would be the first place I'd wanna go with you.

Okay.

Is what's in the way of owning your worth and why keep repeating the history that causes you suffering? Right. So, number one is to get honest about. I am going after what I actually think I deserve.

And it seems like in this email, it seems like she knows that, you know, the guy right in front of her, you know, is on paper, quote, unquote, you know, what she should want. And, you know, she's getting in her own way of actually exploring it. That's the way it seems like to me.

And you got to understand. So let me talk about Mark and I, for example, okay. When my sister was first telling me that I should be dating Mark, it was, you know, four years before we actually got together. And I'm looking at her like, he's way too nice. He's probably really boring. He lives in upstate New York. No way. I was just awful.

Right?

And then once we finally got together four years later, I had done all this work. And the thing was, he didn't fit my picture of possibility back then. And I wasn't attracted to easy fun. All of the things that I was wanting, what I was attracted.

I just love the fact you called your husband easy. You just did that.

But what I'm saying is that there was a time where I was almost repelled by that idea because it was so far off of what I was used to.

It was so different from your norm.

Right. But what everybody has to Understand is you're attracted to your norm whether it's healthy or not.

Okay.

So when we're going after the same old thing, just know the reason you're attracted to the same old thing is because you have more work to do healing that same old thing.

Okay, so how do you change from. For going after something that's not your same old thing?

Right. So being willing to look at why you're still attracted to this, where it's coming from, is really important. And understand you're talking about two people and you only have control over you. So we don't know if your ex is actually interested in co parenting your child with you in a romantic way or in just a basic co parenting way. We don't know. All you've got right now is control over you. And what I would encourage you to do is journal and I'm not about like Dear Diary stuff, but actually write out what is the intention of trying to salvage the relationship with your ex? This is really important. Are you wanting the relationship to prove that you didn't screw it up? Are you wanting the relationship so that your child will be happy? If either of those are the reason why, probably not a great reason. Right. So be thinking about what the reason why is, first of all, and then be willing to put it out there in a way that you'll know you gave it everything you had so that if you're going to move on, this book can be closed. Right. If I say to somebody, this is what I'm looking for verbatim in a partner, I want this type of experience, and I'm wanting to do my best to repair this with you. And by the way, I think that counseling is great. Coaching is great. Don't give up after one shot. Right. Because we wouldn't give up after one workout. And if you're at one gym, it doesn't work and you go to another one until you find it, be willing to do that in the personal growth arena as well.

Sure.

Right. One bad experience I can understand can be a little bit jading. But don't give up. Right. So you could be putting out there to the X. Hey, I want to give it one more go where we both say exactly what we want and need. See if it makes sense, see if we'd be compatible that way, and then decide. And if he says yes, great. And if he doesn't, good to know he was never gonna come around. So it's time to get your own work done so you can move on.

Local life coach Rebecca. Silence the website inspiredresultscoach.com and make sure you like her on Facebook as well. Just search for inspired results and you are good to go.

Here's my final thought. Yep. Just consider that you're worth getting what you want, regardless of whether or not your ex is going to want the relationship. If he doesn't want the relationship, that doesn't mean you don't deserve it. It just means he's not it. Keep going after it.

We're going to break. Come back more with local life coach Rebecca Silence on a confession Tuesday coming up. And Sidekick search week to Chelsea. We'll take the Sidekick quiz and we will tell her who she's interviewing live on the air Face to Face tomorrow here on KISS fm.