Confession Tuesday 1-13-15 Online Dating Hints

Confession Tuesday Local life coach Rebecca silence in studio inspired results. Coach.com. good morning again.

Good morning.

So it's funny that we're. We were talking about like, dating and dating as children and stuff like that because the next. The next email is actually about dating.

Okay.

Yes.

A lot of people might not know. I never know what is coming. I don't get to see the emails ahead of time.

No. And that's.

I have no idea what to expect.

And that's by design. I. Yeah. And I do that with everybody, you know, B. Half the time has no idea what we're talking about coming up next because it's. Yeah, he blocks it from me.

Yeah. Bad.

And I really don't talk off the air. We talk a lot on the air.

It's true.

They don't actually, but because, you know, it's. The whole point is to save the. The natural everything, the whole flow, good, bad or indifferent, it's going on the air.

So we were already on the subject.

Yeah, we were already on the subject. But here's how it works. You go to cnykiss.com you tell us what's going in your world and Rebecca handles it here on the air confidentially. Also, if you've missed any of it. And we've. We've gone the gamut over the last two and a half, three years as far as subjects and what to talk about and specifics and stuff, there's a huge backlog catalog of audio of all different segments on all different topics. And they're all online@cnykiss.com if you want to. If you want to go through and check those out, you absolutely can or subscribe to your YouTube channel. And, and, and the. All the newer ones get posted there on a weekly basis. So. All right, so here's we go. You ready?

Yeah.

Okay. Dear Rebecca, I recently signed up for an online dating site. And not to sound full of myself, but I'm attractive and fun and apparently guys have noticed. In two weeks, I've gotten over 300 messages. I don't think I could respond to all them if I wanted to. I have responded to the guys I'm interested in and I've ignored the guys who clearly only looked at my pictures. But do I have to respond to the guys I'm not interested in? What if they wrote really nice, well thought out messages to me?

Yeah, this is a great email. So what if there is no right or wrong way to do it? What if you gave yourself permission to do whatever you want? What if everyone out there in the dating world just gave themselves permission to be themselves and date however they wanted to. What if there are no rules when you're attracting someone new? Do you want to attract someone because you fit their mold or because they are accepting you 100% as you are? You could totally be yourself here. You don't have to do anything.

I don't know if it's about being yourself. I think it's more of like a, you know, what's the, like the quote unquote, the common courtesy, you know, that kind of a thing.

Yeah, I'm saying throw that out the window. Oh, why not? Okay, see, Try a different strategy. Try a different strategy with dating. Not saying be a jerk. I'm not saying be nasty. Right. But you don't want to lead people on either, so.

And sometimes responding. Sometimes responding, even if you're being nice would come off.

Even a simple. Some people can't take no for an answer. And if you reached out, that may give them false hope. So what I'm saying is, if it's a I should write to the person. Give yourself permission not to. If it's a I want to write to the person and let them know, I really appreciate this message and thanks, but no than great, go for it. But if you're doing it because you think you should, it really isn't authentic. It's not your authentic self. If you're doing it out of obligation or guilt or fear, it's not you. You're playing a part then. Okay, so I'm saying in the dating world, give yourself permission to absolutely drop playing a part of any kind. And yeah, get rid of common courtesy and be yourself. Why not? Because if the person doesn't get to see and experience you exactly as you are, flaw and all. Maybe not the most polite person on the planet 100% of the time and all, and they still want to be with you, then how awesome is that? If it's, I'm gonna be the good girl, the good guy, I'm gonna play the part, right? And at home I'm crossing my fingers and hoping they don't find out. These parts of me, that's really stressful.

It'S gonna blow up too.

Absolutely.

Because if they're, you know, if you get to a certain level and all of a sudden, you know, they're gonna find out about the real you, and it's gonna be a waste of time.

So let the real you just shine from the beginning. And what if there are no rules? And what if you could just be your authentic Self write to who you want to write to and then if you're not interested, next, it's okay. It's online dating. It's all right. And if you're giving people this false hope or feeling guilty so you're nice, you could actually be leading them on, which isn't doing anybody any favors either.

Right, right. Do you have any, do you have any, any tips for any. For people who like, are just going into like online dating or, you know, anything, you know, stuff like that. So the reason, like maybe starting dating in general?

Yeah. You know, the reason I love online dating is because of the process of.

Putting the block button. That's what Bana likes.

The block likes the block button.

I've never been out of the block.

She's off the market.

No, you just like the block button on Facebook. Yeah, my favorite button.

Here's what I like about it. The process of setting up the profile I think helps people get really clear about what they're looking for. Okay, so my hot tips for anybody going into the dating world. I'm not necessarily for or against online dating, but what I am an advocate for is making sure that you know what you're looking for ahead of time. If I just want a boyfriend or if I just want a girlfriend, I'll find it. And then what if they owe the IRS a bunch of money or have some secret life that I don't know about? Get really clear just my way, worst.

Case scenario on that one.

I'm just saying people aren't secret, but that happens. People aren't clear. They're gray about what they're looking for. And then gray happens. And I wasn't really wanting. This is what I hear all the time in my office. I wanted a relationship. I hear that all the time. I want a relationship. I want a relationship. Well, why and what do you want your relationship to look like? So everybody can design their relationship the way they want it, specific to them. The couples I'm working with, what we end up doing is figuring out what lights both people up and then designing a relationship together instead of just going through the motions of what they think a relationship should be. A lot of people go to the dating world without getting clear enough about what they want. They may not have thought about whether or not they want kids. I know a girl who's in a great new relationship. She really likes the guy. She doesn't want kids and he has kids. Well, we gotta think about this before we start the relationship so that you know ahead of time. Alright, what is gonna Work for me and what's not. So that's my hottest tip when you're going out into the dating world is to get really clear about what you're looking for. And with online dating, I love that the questions and the profile setup help people get a lot more clear. And then I have people all the time. I'll give them a homework assignment to go design online profiles for dating. And then you can delete it. You don't have to stay on the website, but at least go through the process of answering the questions so that you know what I'm looking for.

That's actually a good idea. Yeah. Just taking. Taking the little quiz, the just to think about.

Because a lot of people just don't think about it. It's not that they're not wanting to be clear. It's just they haven't thought about it. I'm not sure how I would feel in this scenario. And so do a profile just for fun, to see what it is you're looking for. And then when you know what you want, you will find it. If I don't know what I want, how am I gonna find it? I'll just accept anything, and then I probably won't be happy. Right. So if you want to be fulfilled in a relationship, you got to be able to set the ground rules. You got to be able to know what it is that you're looking for so that you know whether or not you have it when it arrives and then if it's next, it isn't a personal insult. There have been so many men that I wasn't a good fit for and that vice versa. Men that weren't a good fit for me. That's great. It got me closer to the perfect fit right now. And so just know that you're in charge. You don't have to fit anybody else's mold. Date. Everyone deserves a great relationship, but I think where the breakdowns happen is we're not in leadership of looking for what it is that we want and then get disappointed. There's no reason to get disappointed.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com go to cnykids.com and and submit your stuff and she'll get to them when she comes back from maternity leave.

Yes, everyone, have a great week. Keep the emails coming, and thanks for all the support.

Absolutely. Congratulations in advance.

Thank you.

And thank you for. Thank. Not breaking water while we're on the air.

Now I have permission to go into labor.

We're gonna break. Come back confession Tuesday here at Kiss fm.