Confession Tuesday 1-19-16 "HE POSTS PERSONAL QUESTIONS ON FB"

And it is a confession. Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.

Good morning and welcome back. Bana.

Yes. So welcome. Also welcome you back from your big weekend.

Yes. The inspired results women's weekend could not have been more of a phenomenal success.

And I've always heard amazing, amazing things about it. And obviously your individual coaches and your, and your sessions and whatnot. But you know, but these weekends away really are like a catalyst for something bigger and better for everyone that gets involved in this.

Oh, absolutely. These women leave feeling better than they've ever felt with clear direction about where they're going with their lives, what they're letting go of and what they're taking on instead. And it's a safe space to actually live the work. Instead of just listening and kind of learning in an intellectual way, they're actually experiencing what it's like to take on new communication skills, to take on emotional, emotional intimacy with themselves and with each other. And they get to leave what doesn't serve them at the lake.

Can I say that one of the things that my girlfriend went and she.

Did such a good job and she.

Gave me permission to say that she had gone and whatnot. So I'm not telling tales out of school, but she said one of the things that made her feel really good is just realizing that most people, some people feel like, you know, everyone else is their lives are going really, really well and yours is messed up. You realize that, you know, everyone has baggage, everyone has stories, everyone has, you know, nobody perfect. Everyone has stuff that they're dealing with. And a lot of times you don't realize that because you're so wrapped up in your day to day. But everyone has stuff that they're dealing with well.

And a lot of the time women feel very alone without recognizing that. Yeah, we are all either going through it or know another woman who is. There's nothing that we can't relate to about what each other are going through. And these women leave with a built in support system of like minded women who see them as winning even when they don't. And that's what's so beautiful about it. They get to see like, whoa, I would never think you have body issues. And you do what? Like, I have body issues too. They get to see like me too. I'm not alone. And then they get to see the best version of themselves and experience that and experience that in each other and there's nothing better. We've got another one coming in November. That's all almost full already. I am surprised and so excited about that. So anyone who's interested in the next one, get in touch with me right away@inspiredresultscoach.com and I'm definitely going to look into potentially adding in the spring something else for women, since there is such high demand and since it is my favorite thing that I do.

So again, details. Inspired results coach.com you can also like Rebecca on Facebook as well. Rebecca silence of inspired results. Just search for that and you're good to go. And here's how we roll out of confession. You go to cnykiss.com and you ask a question. Tell us what you want us to discuss here on the air. It's all confidential. It's been how we roll for years and years. And just by you asking your question, you help so many other people listening here in central New York and countrywide and worldwide because, I mean, there literally are people that wake up in the middle of the night just listen to the segment. So we definitely appreciate that. Are you ready for the question?

Yes. So do we have.

All right. Dear Rebecca, my husband and I have been having some problems lately, and we both work crazy hours and we haven't been spending a lot of time together. Well, to my surprise, he's asking other people for advice about our issues on his Facebook page. Facebook is such a public thing. I can't believe he talk about our problems there. And does he really care what some guy he knew 20 years ago has to say or a random person he met at a bar once? Is it wrong for my husband to talk about our problems on Facebook? Shouldn't even ask me first before he posted anything that impacts me my privacy.

This is a great email. Thank you so much. And there are a couple of issues here. One is Facebook and social media, and then the other one is are you on the same page about how you want issues resolved in your relationship regardless of whether or not it's Facebook? Do you have a proactive plan for when things hit the fan, what you guys are gonna do as a team? Or is it just reactive and you're trying to kind of make the best out of it last minute without going into it with a. So let's start with the Facebook. And, you know, I think the fact that he's reaching out is actually super important. It means that he cares. Right. And I'm not saying that if this is a boundary crossing for you that it's okay that he did this. I'm just saying it tells me he must really, really care if he's being that vulnerable and reaching out.

Yeah. It's like he's searching for answers, just not sure where to find them.

Right. And he might be a little bit desperate, which, in my experience, doesn't usually end, but at least he's communicating. And I like to say people are either loving or they're crying out for love. And I would suggest that you look at this as a cry for love instead of him trying to do something to you.

Right.

It sounds like he's desperately trying to figure out a way to find you again and to reconnect with you. When I first had gotten diagnosed with cancer, my husband and I went through something very similar, because I'm pretty open, I'm pretty public, and I put it out there. And I hadn't talked to my husband about that before I did it. I actually called him, like, 10 minutes later and was like, okay, I feel better. It's out there now. I don't have to hide this. Okay. And he was like, you did what? It's like on Facebook. What? Like, I haven't even processed it yet. Like, oh, my gosh, Rebecca. And we ended up talking through it, and Mark is just an amazing support to me, but I didn't realize the impact that that would have on him. And it didn't even occur to me to consider him or talk to him about it first because it was my canc.

Right. But as being your, you know, your.

Husband, my main support system through this whole thing. And then he's having people at his job saying, oh, my gosh, are you okay? And he didn't even know that it had been, like, publicly talked about.

Right. And. And, you know, with that. With that kind of a thing, this is something that the two of you, you know, as a partnership, he's gonna be your main support. So he's gonna be. That's through with you through this, the entire thing. So, you know, I completely understand that.

So he kind of freaked out for a second. Thank you, honey, for lo. And getting through it with me. But when you're in a partnership, it isn't just you anymore. And then it's difficult, because I never want people to be codependent, where they are depending on the other person to make them happy, blaming the other person when they're upset, needing the other person to fix it for them. That never works. But when you're in a partnership, there's three components. There's you, and then you are 100% responsible for your suffering and your happiness and getting your needs met. There's the other person who's 100% responsible for their happiness and their suffering and getting their needs met. And then there's the relationship. And a lot of people are either focused only on the relationship or on their independent lives. And a lot of people haven't learned how to be independent and have a relationship.

Right.

It's either I'm codependent in a relationship, like all I'm meshed with you and suffocated, or I have to be alone. What I teach in my couples coaching is how to absolutely be independent and have a relationship. So this listener's email to me sounds like they need a little help with nurturing the relationship part of their lives instead of just focusing on each other individually. Maybe they're growing apart a little bit. Maybe it's time to get back to nurturing the relationship. But there's a way to do it where you don't actually lose yourself. So my coaching for this couple and the woman who wrote the email is make sure that you come to him saying, this is what I need. Instead, this is what didn't work for me. This is what I love about what you did. Here's the solution. Moving forward, Are you someone that can work with me on that? Do you agree? If not, what's your solution? And be willing to negotiate as long as it takes until you have a solution that works for both of you. A lot of times, people will agree in a relationship to things that don't actually work for them because they want to avoid conflict or they want it to end faster. Right. And then that only breeds resentment, builds a wall, and eventually blows things up. So I don't want you to agree to things that don't work for you, and I don't want you to step over that. You know what this didn't work for did not step over the fact that me broadcasting cancer before we had even really talked about it didn't work for him. He let me know, and I'm grateful. And he did it in a way that was loving, and we got to learn from it and grow together. So that.

So by loving, was it? Are you effing crazy? I can't believe.

No, he didn't do that. He was great. He was just like, this doesn't work for me. And here's why. And I really appreciated it because he helped me understand him better.

Sure.

Because we're very different. I am this extrovert that has no secrets, Very public, and he's kind of a private guy. So he married me, and there's a balance that we have between the two of us, that works really well. And so if you can use listener who wrote the email, this is an opportunity to get to know your husband better, to get to know yourself better, and to be able to come to the table saying, here's what would work for us moving forward when we feel disconnected. Create a plan so that you're not reactively dealing with it after the fact from a space of fear that never works. And then I would encourage you find a therapist, find a coach. I do couples coaching. I also do six hour couples intensives where you work with me for an extended period of time to kind of just get all the wrinkles out. Get a plan in place if you want, like the fast track. There's couples intensives, there's couples coaching, but find someone to work with you guys as a couple to teach you how to grow together instead of trying to be individuals who inevitably grow apart.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com is the website. She does corporate talks. She does talks at schools. She does private sessions as well. Whether it be for individuals, couples, families, children. She works with everybody and has affected thousands upon thousands of people here in Central New York in a positive way. And I can't speak highly enough about her.

And thanks to everyone who came to the women's weekend. Thank you to Sarah Kayser who did yoga. We also had Reiki there. Annie Evans of Gypsy Girl Pizza did the food. Just a phenomenal success. Congratulations to all the women. Thanks to everyone who supported me with that and everybody. Have a great week.

We're gonna break, come back. It's Big Papa and Banna in the Morning on KISS fm.