A woman's ex-boyfriend threatened her after she messaged him on Facebook. Life coach Rebeccah Silence identifies red flags in his aggression and unclear availability, then walks through how to set boundaries and decide if the friendship is worth the risk.
Local life coach Rebecca silence in studio inspired results. Coach.com is the website and if you'd like to submit a question, concern whatever's going on, let us know what's up. Just go to cnykiss.com on the left hand side. Scroll down just a little bit. Hit Confession Tuesday, fill out the form and you can submit whatever's going on in your world confidentially. All right, so you ready for number two? Yes. All right, here we go. Number. Oh, by the way, thank you for all the text messages and, you know, Facebook messages and emails. A lot of people were very nice, so I definitely appreciate that. All right, so here's the email. Dear Rebecca, I ran into a female friend over the weekend. Didn't have a chance to chat because it was so loud and crowded. Ever since I've known her, she's had the same boyfriend, so I've never thought of her that way. I Facebook messaged her at the end of the night to see what her and her girlfriend were up to thinking late night breakfast. She replied saying that the guy who I thought was still the boyfriend hacked into her Facebook. Didn't hear anything else. The next day, I reached out to her to see how she was and what had happened, if there was anything I could do. We chatted a bit, started talking about family and whatnot. Conversation was just a normal conversation. The next day, the now ex boyfriend messaged me threatening to beat me up if I continue to flirt with her, quote unquote. Wasn't trying to be disrespectful, just trying to be a friend. What should I do?
This is a great email and I'm gonna just say it back, make sure I got the whole thing. So someone is friends with an opposite sex person for a while thinking that they're in a relationship, finds out that, okay, this person isn't in the relationship the way they thought because the ex hacked in to a Facebook and it sounds like you're trying to be friends. Your intentions were good. And then there are some red flags that are coming up. She's avoiding answering your conversation and your question about breakfast. She's kind of dancing around. Whatever's going on with the ex, I want you to get that. There are red flags that show up and we either ignore them or we pay attention to them. And when people show you who they really are, listen, pay attention to that. Because if this is how she's showing up right now, if you're wanting to pursue something which is the tone of the email is telling me now you're seeing her maybe in a little bit of a different way, you're wondering if there is something there. Maybe there is, maybe there's not. But even if there was the potential for you to pursue something with this person, would you want to? There's a lot of drama with the ex. There's a lot of maybe gray area in terms of communication. Be careful what you're signing up for, especially when it's right in front of your face, what you're signing up for. Right? Because it's not going to get better. You're only going to get more of the same. It'll only escalate. So if you're in a situation where you're being accused of things that aren't real, where there's confrontation and drama, you want to look at, how did I get myself here? It isn't about the boyfriend needing to be different or the girl needing to be different. It's about how did you get yourself in the position that you are in where someone is threatening you and accusing you of things. You don't have to go down this road. So if you are, why, what would be the point? Would be my question. Right. If I was your coach, I'd be saying, so what's to gain here? And it's not that this woman isn't worth pursuing, but if this is where she's at right now, these are her current circumstances, that doesn't change. So is she in a position where she's available for the type of relationship you're looking for? And if the answer is no, next. Move on.
But what if it's just a, as the email says, just from a friendship? Cannabis.
Is this the friend you want? Is this the type of friendship you want? Where you're gonna be put in. It's the same crouching where you're gonna be put in a position of. I'm getting accused of these things. And it's really gray. She could have used you as a weapon. You don't know if she was trying to make the ex jealous, but whether it was her intention or not, that's what transpired. So whether this is a friendship that you're pursuing or thinking maybe there's something more, ask yourself, is this the type of relationship I want? And I'm not saying if the answer is no, right or off. I'm just saying if you're in the middle of the road, expect to get hit by a car or get out of the way. That's all. It's your responsibility to look at, how did I get myself here? And Then what are the goals? It's so okay to be an acquaintance, but it doesn't sound like this is somebody who you were really close with in the first place. And I would coach you to if you want to be her friend, let her come to you. And then make sure. Sure you've got really strong boundaries set up. Like this is just platonic. I'm not interested in being in the middle of anything between you and your ex. Is this even an ex? Right? I mean, you lead or you allow people to lead you. And in relationships, right, It's January. It's time to look at what are your relationship statuses, who are the friends you have, what is the support you have? Is your romantic relationship the way you want it? And I'm not saying just because it's January. It's just a great time since it is January to look at these things, we should look at it all year long. But if the answer is eh, I'm not quite satisfied. In these relationships, you have the option of leading in more of what you want in the relationship. If you're just waiting for the other person to show up and be something they're not, that's gonna be a lonely experience.
Say that again.
If you're gonna wait for the other person to show up the way you're wanting them to, it's gonna be a really lonely experience. And that's what a lot of people do. They cross their fingers and hope things get to the way they want them to be in the relationship. You're driving the bus of your relationships, at least in your part of it. So notice red flags. It's not a bad thing. It's a gift. It's a gift from the universe, showing you what's in store if you continue going down the road you're going down. And then don't write people off ever. But make sure you're letting them know what does and doesn't work for you. And then you don't owe anybody anything. You don't need to be putting yourself in the middle of drama. So I would be encouraging this listener who wrote the email to be really clear with himself about what he's looking for and then go get it with or without this girl.
Thank you very much for the email. Definitely appreciate it.
Yeah, everyone look at your relationships and what you're wanting and then go ask for it.
Local life coach Rebecca silence. Inspired results. Coach.com and of course, cnykiss.com tell us what's going on in your world and we'll hit handle it. Next week. Thank you so much.
Yeah, thank you. I should be here again next week. Unless the baby sides come early.
Unless. Unless. Unless, you know, there, you know, we get a little bambino.
Yeah. We're ready for her whenever she's ready.
Oh, my goodness.
But, everyone, have a great week, and thanks for listening.
I'll grab my catcher's mitt. There you go. I'm in.
Sounds good.
I'll catch it. Bam.
I'm ready for her to be ready.
I love you.
Love you.
All right, It's a confession. Tuesday, Jerry Springer on the show. Coming up in a bit here at KISS fm.
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