Confession Tuesday 1-9-14 "Going Through Someone's Phone"

Details online inspired results coach.com now here's what we do on the radio is we take your emails, we hear your stories and we talk about them. Obviously we keep them confidential. That's how we roll. But we talk about them here on the air and hopefully you can take, you know, what, what we say and, you know, related to whatever's going on in your world. So. Cnykiss.com Click on confession Tuesday and go from there. You ready for the email?

Yeah.

Alright, here we go. Dear Big Papa and Rebecca, My boyfriend and I were out to dinner the other day and when he got up to use the bathroom, I looked through his phone, I checked his Facebook messages and texts and saw that he's been having a flirty back and forth with a co worker. I want to confront him about it, but I don't want him to know that I was snooping.

This is great. And remember, everyone who's writing in an email, you're helping so many people. So I really appreciate people who are brave enough to write in and this is a hard one maybe to admit and talk about. We all do things that we might not be proud of necessarily and it's okay. You know, I talk about we're all human, we all have flaws. That's what makes you unique and fantastic. It's not a bad thing. So I love that you're owning it. And I just want to say if you find yourself in a situation where you're doing things you're not proud of, just get you can set up what you want. You had to have had intuition before you checked the phone. You knew already, right? That's the truth. If I'm looking through somebody's phone and snooping around, I'm either looking for proof that I get screwed over or I already know it's happening. So. So either way, what I'm committed to is not what's going to make me happier, it's what's going to cause me more suffering.

Now, the way I kind of look at it is if you're contemplating looking, you know, snooping through the phone, you know, relationship's over at that point, right? Because not necessarily, because, you know, if the trust isn't there and you feel like you need to look through the phone, isn't that past the point of no return?

I would suggest that you're in a big red flag at that point that the relationship does not necessarily have to end. But if you leave it unattended, yes, of course, it's over.

Okay.

If we leave it the way it is, without addressing it. Of course it's done. But at this point you would be able to confront the situation. Or of course you can just keep tolerating. But why put yourself through that?

If you keep tolerating, it's going to explode at some point anyway. Right?

Right. So you're going to explode at some point if you keep tolerating things that actually don't work for. But what I'm suggesting is all relationships are repairable, but you have to be willing to design your relationship the way you want it, even if you've never seen it done before. Because so many of us are going through the same patterns in our relationships and they're similar to the relationships that we saw growing up. We keep repeating history. And so what I'm suggesting and what I'm doing with couples is we're going, alright, let's get over whatever happened in the past and let's start right here, right now with what you actually want, what's going to serve you. And I see so many communication breakdowns where couples, they each know what they want, but they haven't told each other.

Are they, Is it, I'm afraid to ask what I want? Like afraid to rock the boat kind of a deal?

Sure. I think that's a big reason why. Also just that fear of what if they don't want me, if this is what I want? So let me just play it small and not speak up because at least I know they want me right now. But then it's not a real relationship.

Right.

You're not actually dealing with the authentic person. You're dealing with two people who are just trying to make sure that the other one likes them. It's not real, and of course it's gonna blow up and end. So communication is huge. If I'm not communicating, then the relationship is eventually in big trouble.

So at this point, you know, girl went through boyfriend's phone, saw stuff that she didn't like, and wants to confront him but doesn't. What's the best course of action? Is it, you know, is it having the awkward conversation, hey, I went through your phone, but at the same time I feel bad that I did, but the way things are right now made me feel like I had to. So, yeah, you know what I'm saying? There's.

I get it.

It's a yin and yang kind of a thing. Right?

So I would suggest that the person who wrote this email get into some leadership by you owning your part in this and saying, I might not be proud of it, but here's the truth. You give permission to your partner to own their breakdown so you could say, this is the truth. And I highly recommend always telling the truth. Sugarcoating it, lying, trying to pretend like it didn't happen. It'll usually come out in the end anyway.

Absolutely.

So I would own it. I'd say, all right, I was feeling scared, I was feeling threatened. I was feeling disappointed. With the way things are, whatever you're experiencing, I would start with that. Like, this is what's been going on for me.

Right.

I made a decision. I'm not proud of it. To check your phone because I'm scared. I don't like where we're at. Saw some things that validated my concerns, and I want to know what it is that you're willing to do about this with me. Are you wanting to repair things? Are you done? Let's get real and figure out, moving forward, what we both want.

Because not. Not talking about it, period. It's just going to snowball, and it's. It's going to come out at some point anyway, whether it be in, you know, in terms and in tones that are good for communication, or it's going to be an explosion and it's going to be a Pier 6 knockdown, drag.

Out and sticking your head in the sand and hoping it goes away. Good luck with that.

Yeah.

So I suggest finding out if your partner is actually willing to work with you to redesign the relationship. Everyone. Whether you're in the situation where you found out there's cheating or not, I want you to consider. If you're not totally fulfilled, talk about it. You want to find out if your partner is willing to go where you want to go. And if they're not, good to know. That just makes room for someone who actually will be willing to work with you and has the same values and goals. So go for it. Get what you want, and be willing to lose people that aren't going to be on the same page with you.

I think one of the. One of the main things is the fear of what if I don't find anybody better? Or. I think that's a. That's a. That's a whole other convert. You know, that's a whole other segment in itself. But I think a lot of it is, what if I, you know, what if it's the best I'm gonna be able to do? That's, that's, that's, that's.

That.

That seems to be like a recurring theme. Right.

And I want you to think about that for second. It's real. I've been in that position in the past as well. But are you really in anything worth sticking around for in the first place in that scenario? And so what I believe is all relationships are repairable, all of them. So if you're noticing, this feels like a dead end. And what I've seen, it's so amazing. It's like magic. When I have these couples who thought it was over, absolutely thought for sure it's done, and the other one is not going to want what I want. We start talking about the truth and they're like, wow, I've been wanting that too. Oh, my God. And they start creating something together that neither of them thought they could have. So it's possible. But then if you've got someone who's actually not on the same page, which I've seen as well, great. You can repair within yourself whatever it was keeping you from getting there, and then you can definitely have something different. I've seen it both ways.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com this is a confession Tuesday on a Thursday. If you want to tell us your story, we can handle it next week. Go to cnykiss.com and click on confession.

So here's the homework for 2014. Don't settle at all.

I'm green. I'm nodding my head. This is the radio. And I'm like, yup, I'm nodding. Yup, you're right. There it is.

Don't settle.

Don't settle. I love you.

I love you.

All right, I'll see you.

It was fun doing this on a Thursday. I'll be back Tuesday.

Have a great weekend.

Okay? Yes, you too. Thanks, everyone.

Fashion Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca. Sounds good to break. Come back Big pop in Kiss fm.