Confession Tuesday 10-14-14 EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

All right, so here's how it works here In a Confession Tuesday, you go to cnykiss.com and you tell us your story, what's going on in your world. We keep it confidential and we, we tell the story on the air and Rebecca gives advice here on the radio for free for everyone. And it's so funny how many people this helps outside of the one person that submits, you know what I'm saying?

There are no new problems. Right? We can all relate to different types of suffering. And then I really believe that you don't have to get to the place where you've hit a rock bottom in your life to make things better. We can have our lives go from great to excellent, from excellent to extraordinary. It doesn't have to get to the point where everything's unraveling and falling apart. So when people are writing in emails, everyone can relate in some way, which is what I love about this show.

All right, so here we go. Dear Rebecca, I'm a 32 year old and I have been married for almost 10 years. I have two amazing children. I have found myself very unhappy in my marriage. I look at my husband and I see a friend, not a lover. He works long hours and when he's home, his attention is on our children. I've emotionally cheated on my husband by talking to another man and sharing feelings, my feelings with this other man. I have never physically crossed the line with this man, though the desire is there. I feel trapped in my current marriage as separation, divorce would hurt my children and disappoint our families. All I want is to be happy and to feel like I'm in love again. I feel selfish for wanting to be happy.

Thank you. So first of all, let's just start with the last line of your email. I feel selfish for wanting to be happy. I want everyone to be selfish, but in a way that makes the world better, that makes us better for the people that we care about. So when I'm talking about be selfish, I'm saying put your needs first so you can be of greater service. I'm not talking about self absorption where it's all about me with no regard for other people. That's not what I'm talking about. When I'm talking about being selfish, I want you to put your needs first with regard for other people. And I like that you're doing that. You're actually thinking about how your actions will affect others in this email. Don't be afraid to be selfish. Be afraid to be. See what happens when you're Afraid to be selfish, you actually become self absorbed. You actually start explain that. So you actually start becoming all about yourself, feeling in that victim place like, I can't have what I want. I can't have what I want anytime I'm in drama. So if I'm in victim, thinking like I'm stuck in this marriage, I can't be happy. I'm self absorbed in that moment where I'm in that drama where I'm feeling safe. Stuck, Right. So when you're stuck, you're actually self absorbed. It's not good or bad or right or wrong. It's just important to know. So when you're out there communicating what you want, going after what you want, then you're not self absorbed anymore. But anytime people are in drama, they're self absorbed while they're in the drama.

Okay.

It doesn't mean you're a self absorbed person. I had drama all the time too. Everybody does. But with regard to your marriage, be really careful about thinking that fresh love is the magic fix for your relationship. Be really careful about thinking that that honeymoon phase is the answer is the finish line is where you want to get to in your relationship. Because when we're just in fresh love, everything's the honeymoon. There's not a substantial foundation for the relationship to last on.

And it's possible to have the fresh love honeymoon phase without crossing the physical barrier line.

Well, so it's possible is to have a relationship that has a solid foundation that you bring the relationship back to fresh love. And you're also in a place where this relationship can last because you've seen each other's flaws, you've seen each other's human. You know, this is what I do and I'm scared. This is what I do and I'm angry. You've had fights and gotten through it. If we don't have that, fresh love will not make the relationship work. And a lot of people, I have them come into my office all the time, get me fresh love, get me fresh love. I had a woman who was having multiple affairs on her husband saying to me, I just want fresh love. Well, the reason they're multiple affairs is because fresh love doesn't last.

Right.

Need to have more than that. And I want relationships to have fresh love at the same time. So it sounds to me like what you're doing is looking for fresh love. And if you haven't given your current marriage a chance to repair itself, you don't know if it's possible to have that back with your husband. Or not. And if you've got your energy in some other relationship with some other person, you haven't given your husband a chance to come and step up to the plate and work this out with you. So if he doesn't know what's going on with you, he doesn't have a chance at being able to help come up with a solution.

Yeah, because in the email, it doesn't sound like things are awful between the two of them. It just seems. And maybe I'm wrong. I'm just going by what's on the email, but it seems like the spark isn't there.

Right. And if you're not happy, this is serious and it's something to address. But let's not fool ourselves that your husband being a certain way would make you happy, because your happiness is your responsibility. And then let's make sure that you've done everything in your power to make this work with your husband, that he's had a chance to hear the truth about where you're at and work with you before you make a rash decision. So the honesty about, yeah, I'm not happy, that's huge. And then how would you want to be treated in the same situation? I mean, that's what I want you to think about. If it was the shoe on the other foot and your husband was having the emotional affair, not happy, would you want to know the truth about where he was at? So you could have a chance at repairing the relationship? Right. So think about that. How would you want to be treated? What if you could give your husband a chance to get back to fresh love with you and then build that foundation of the relationship that already exists? What if that could happen? I see it with couples all the time. They come in, they tell me they're getting divorced, they're for sure about it, and then all we do is look at where have you not communicated, build some foundation, and then start talking about, okay, so, yeah, 20 years ago, this is what I wanted. Today, this is what I want. And I haven't told you because I've been scared that you wouldn't want that version of me. Grow together and then see what happens if you haven't given each other permission to talk about who I am now. Right. We all evolve. Let the relationship evolve, too. If you haven't given that a chance, how do you have more Grow together and don't expect the other person to be the magic answer that's gonna make you happy, because if they're not making you happy, the next person will eventually not make you happy as well. And then finally, if it doesn't work out, don't be afraid of getting divorced or separated, not the end of the world. I want people to be afraid of not giving their relationship their best, not giving the relationship everything they have. Be afraid of that. Don't be afraid of the divorce because if it doesn't actually work, when you've tried everything, it's over. It wasn't supposed to. It's complete and move on. That's okay. What's not going to serve you is playing small and then not making sure you did the best you could, do the best you can in the relationship you have so that you know that you did and see what happens from there.

Local life coach Rebecca Silence inspired results coach. Com Confession Tuesday. Submit your story. You can do so confidentially online right now at cnykiss. Com. More to Confession Tuesday coming up next on Kiss fm.