Recorded radio segment (Confession Tuesday, Oct 2014) in which a listener describes a 16-year-old friend who was abused by an aunt, kicked out, and left on probation. Life coach Rebeccah Silence advises assessing whether the teen wants help, avoiding a 'rescue' stance, setting clear boundaries and house rules if offering shelter, and using school/police resources (paper trail) and local agencies for support.
Here's how it works. On a confession Tuesday, you go to cnykiss.com and you submit your question. We handle it here on the air. Confidentially, and as we're helping you, we're helping a ton. More people. More than you even know. Are you ready for.
I'm ready for number one.
All right. Dear Rebecca, my child has a friend who is 16. They've been in trouble and kicked out of school for it. They're on probation and they live with their aunt and uncle. Last night, after walking home from work, he was punched in the neck by their aunt and locked out of the house, called us for help. So we took him to the police station to file a report. The officers contacted his aunt, who indeed said she hit him and didn't want him anymore. They gave him the police report that says all that and basically said good luck and good night to him. He stayed on our couch last night, but I have no idea what to do for him now. I'm not willing to let him wander around homeless, but I don't know who to call or what to do for him. Do you have any advice?
Thank you so much for this email. Wow. Yeah, very difficult situation to have someone that you care about that's not family that you want to see successful and taken care of. Not easy. Even if it is family. Not easy. So the first point I want to bring up is you can never help anyone more than they want to help themselves. Period. End of story. So I would be having an honest conversation with this person and saying, I would love to support you however I can. What can I do? Instead of you trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat, come up with all the answers on your own. You can actually investigate and find out, is this person wanting your help. And so often people into a situation that we call rescue, where they see a problem and they want to save the person from it. And I think when people hear this word rescue, they think, oh, it's loving it. Sounds good, like, I'm going to rescue you. But what happens is when you're rescuing someone, you are treating them like they are a victim and they stay stuck. They will repeat the same stuck behavior if they continue to have other people bail them out of the situation. So rescue actually doesn't serve anyone. So this kid may tell you, yeah, I'd really love it if you could help me talk to the school. If you could, you know, make a phone call and report this to child Protection, I would really appreciate it if you just did nothing and let me handle it. You don't know. So my first thought is, we gotta find out, like, does this person want help or not? And then I would also be having a conversation with your child about whether or not, you know, they're having conversations around the same type of thing. Like if your child is wanting to rescue this person, what happens is it always blows up because the victim doesn't want to be treated like a victim anymore.
Right?
No one wants to be treated like a victim. And when we're in that rescue mode, it's from a space of I love you so much, I want to help you, but just understand that the person will stay stuck. And that's not actually gonna serve anyone. So if you want this person to be staying with you, if you want to offer something that isn't treating them like a victim, like, you're welcome to stay here because I believe in you, but not. You're welcome to stay here because I think you can't handle it any other way. There's different energ energies to handle this from.
But at the same time, with the, with the age, I mean, we're talking 16. That's, you know, grown adult. That's, you know, that's a totally different ball game. But being 16, it's a, there's got to be, you know, slippery slope, right?
It is a slippery slope, but this isn't this person's child. And a 16 year old can drop out of school. A 16 year old can be working. I mean, I'm gonna hold this kid capable. You're 16 and there's a lot of support available to. And you're not a victim who needs saving. I don't care if you're 16. Right. You're still capable of having a life that works and getting support. There's support at the school. There is. I'm glad law enforcement was contacted. That at least starts a paper trail if this continues. And I don't want anybody in a situation where they're being told they're not wanted or threatened. That doesn't work. And this kid deserves better. And there are resources available. And so I would definitely encourage this person who wrote the email to be explaining, you know what? I know there are a lot of resources available and I want to help you. If you want my help. That's the piece that's so important because maybe this 16 year old does want help and maybe they don't. But we're not gonna treat this person like, you know, you're some little kid that can't help yourself and your helpless, poor Baby, because that's not gonna teach them anything.
Right.
They are better than that, so don't treat them that way.
Wow.
It's a difficult situation. Yeah, it really is a difficult situation. But you know what? This kid is better than the circumstances that they're finding themselves in right now.
Sure.
And that would be what I want emphasized more than anything. The school will have access to resources. You know, the police station will have access to resources. I know that there are in this area some, some resources for children. I know the House of Good shepherd is an incredible organization here.
All right, but at the same time, at the same time, you are this parent and the friend, 16 year old, I mean, the child's friend, you know, has this, this situation and say they go to the, you know, the 16 year old child is like, hey, you know, I want to support you any way I can. Do you want me to help you? You know, just what you said and you get the teenage response. I'm fine. I got this. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of myself. How? It's tough to, you know, that's tough to stomach. Any parent that's tough to stomach watching someone's child, even though it's not yours, walk out that door.
So what I would want to be saying is, you know what? I want you to know that I believe in you no matter what. And if you want my help, I'm here. That's all you can do. You get pushy about what you think they need, they're only going to run farther and faster from you. It's never going to get that kid to wake up. So if you want this child to stay in your house, if you want to offer that and let them know, you know, you could stay here. And here are the rules. If you stay here, and you're only staying here if you want to, not because I think you're not capable of figuring this out, but because I care about you and they want to stay with you, that's one scenario that would be healthy. If they're like, no, I don't need anybody help. I don't need anybody. I don't need anything. Let them go. Because otherwise it's just gonna keep blowing up in your.
And it's gonna cause a lot of tension in your own family, in your own house.
So I just want you to have very tight boundaries around what choices you're making and then to be thinking about why you're making the choices you're making. So are you treating this kid like they're a victim who needs saving? Or are you treating this kid like they're capable and if they want your help, you're happy to be there for them and if they don't want your help, you gotta let them go, have natural consequences as long as they need to to make a different decision for themselves. And maybe they will and maybe they won't. And just know that whatever journey this kid is on is perfect for him. And I can tell you when my life was the messiest. It's the best part of my life. It's exactly what I needed to grow into a better version of myself. And I'm constantly growing and think about anytime you've grown, it's because of those times where you probably had to fall down and get really humbled. Those are the times in your life that make you the strongest, that teach you the most. So let's not take this away, away from this kid. It might be exactly what he or she needs.
Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com like her on Facebook and if you have a question, if you have a situation, go to cnykiss.com and submit your situation. And your question.
And the final thought or homework here would just be for everybody to understand. You are not your circumstances. There is always a beginning, a middle and an end to every situation. So I'm just going to hold this person capable of being able to come out the other side of this bad circumstance. That's temporary. And the listener wrote the email. Thank you so much for caring so much and let us know how it goes.
It's Confession Tuesday. More of your emails coming up next here on KISS fm.
