Confession Tuesday 10-7-14 PUSHING AWAY THE NEW GUY

Confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca Silence in studio. It's one of those things where we go through so many different topics and, you know, so many different points of view. We've been doing this for a while now. A couple, two, three years. Three.

Just about three.

Yeah. All of these segments are backlogged@cnykiss.com and also on Rebecca's YouTube page. So you can go and check those out there as well. That way you can listen to them on your iPhone and everything. So you can check them out there. And if you go to see youmykiss.com, you can submit your question as well here on a Confession Tuesday. And of course, inspiredresultscoach.com there's coaching circle tonight. And of course, Rebecca is available for corporate trainings and speaking engagements. And you, too, can be silenced by Rebecca Silence.

I don't actually shut anybody up. I want you to have exactly what you want. That is the goal.

Listen, listen. There have been times where I've gotten text messages is while you and I have been talking.

Wow.

You just got Rebecca silenced. That's.

I think that's hysterical.

So, yeah, I don't know where that.

Started, but I just want people to have what they want because you can.

It started by Joe Heikle.

Really?

Yeah. Joe Heikle. Yeah.

That's funny. Yeah.

That happened, by the way, Jack and Jill on Saturday.

Yeah.

Costume party. All right, so you ready for. I'm ready for round two.

Yeah. What do we got?

All right. Dear Rebecca, I've recently met this amazing man. If I had a checklist for everything I want in a man. He is everything and more. It seems we want the same things out of a relationship. Shortly after meeting him, I receive the news that my mom is sick. He's caring, loving, and understanding, though for some reason, I've pushed him away. I've been hurt by men in the past, and I'm scared that I will eventually be hurt by him as well. I want things to work out with him so badly, but I'm scared it might be too late. How do I let him know that I want him to be in my life and not compare him to the other men that have hurt me?

Thank you so much for this email. I'm sorry to hear that your mom is sick, and then you are so not alone in having life come up, throw you a curve ball and have it affect your relationship. This happens to almost everyone because we have people that lose jobs, that lose family members that just have life come up. And then, of course, it bleeds into the current relationship because that's the person that's usually the closest to you. And so in relationship, it's about vulnerability, it's about being real. This is what we were just talking about off air, just being real, being honest, being myself, and seeing if the other person can actually handle that or not. When we're adapting in a relationship, when I make myself smaller or when I change what I say or edit myself in any way to try to keep a relationship going, that is the guaranteed way to blow that relationship up permanently. Oh, sure, because you're training this person to think you're somebody you're not. And eventually the real you comes out, usually after things have escalated to a point where you're angry and things fall apart. And so I never want anybody to be anything but their real, authentic, 100% honest self. And so this email, I think actually having a conversation just like this email, here's where I'm at. This is what I'm scared of. That's exactly where you start just telling him everything you just told us. Just tell him the truth. My mom's sick. I'm noticing I'm pushing you away because guess what? He's probably already feeling that. And in my experience, when somebody acknowledges what I already know is happen, there's relief there, right? If you're just saying, yeah, I'm pushing you away, acknowledging it, then maybe he won't feel like, was I making this up? Or is this really happening? Because that energetic awkwardness is probably very present for him too. So if you just call a spade a spade and say, hey, here's what I'm noticing. I don't want to do this. Here are my fears. That's a great place to start. And notice that I'm using language. I'm only talking about me, not you've done this. And that's why I feel this way. Okay, if that's the way you go, then turns into defensiveness immediately. So we want to avoid defensiveness and get that nothing is wrong here. This is just an opportunity for you guys to get closer now that you've got this self awareness. And I give you a lot of credit because a lot of people are pushing people away without even realizing it. You know, kind of unconsciously you're aware enough to be acknowledging it. And that's huge. That's a really great, great place to start. And so then, you know, in terms of the past relationships and your fears about this guy being like those guys, if you are focused on what is not working or what you're afraid of. That's what you experience.

Say that again.

If you are focused on what is not working or what you are afraid of, that is what you will experience. So whatever you focus on, you create. So if all I'm focused on is, you know, men lie to me, for example, then I'm looking for evidence that men lie to me. And I'm gonna experience men lying to me, even if they weren't intentionally lying to me. Like, maybe they told me about this but didn't mention that, you know, I went and got a coffee at Dunkin Donuts this morning or something like, are you lying to me? You didn't tell me about where you got coffee, right? Who knows? But if you're focused on what you don't want and what scares you, your world exists around those things, and you'll.

Almost subconsciously be looking for them.

You are now almost. You are looking for evidence to support those fears. So instead, I encourage you to look at, all right, what do I want? And focus on that. And then find a mentor, find a therapist, find a coach to help you work on those unhealed emotional wounds from the past relationships. Because they're still gonna carry in, period, end of story. It doesn't go away if don't deal with it. It gets louder. So the good news is you can focus on what you do want moving forward, knowing that this past exists and you want to handle it. But you're right on to not want to be dealing with all of this, with this boyfriend, like, making it about him so you can relive all the old stuff so you can deal with it. And that's what most people do, is they bring their old stuff into the relationship, play it out again with this new person.

No one's ever done that, ever.

And wonder why it's history repeating itself. So instead, get clear. Instead, get clear about a new goal. And then get someone to help you work through those old issues of betrayal or rejection or whatever it was that hurt that came up before. And the truth is, whatever. If you're someone who felt like you've been lied to, if you felt like you've been rejected, if you felt like you were abandoned, then what happens is you're someone who can be rejected. You're still someone who can be abandoned. You're still someone who can be lied to until you've dealt with that. Because there's a way to become a person who doesn't get rejected because you don't reject yourself. There's a way to become someone who doesn't get lied to because I'm not gonna take it personally what this person does. They're just showing me who they are. I tell the truth. They're not. Good to know, right? But if I haven't dealt with those unhealed past issues, I still look for it, I still experience it. I'm available for it. I'm like a magnet that just draws these things I don't want to me, and there's no reason for that. So that's what we do in the coaching practice. And when I'm working with couples, I actually work with them individually as well as together for this very reason, because there's a lot they're bringing to the table that has nothing to do with the other person, that they're projecting all over the other person. And so we deal with it separate and then bring them together so that that past can be in the past and they can have a new experience right here, right now with each other.

Local life coach Rebecca silence. Inspired results. Coach.com and if you want to have your situation, your drama, your question handle on the air next Tuesday, go to cnykiss.com homework would be just write a.

Letter about everything you just told us, including what you want, like what the goal is, and then you could decide whether or not you want to give it to him. But at least write it out so it's out of your body onto a page and you can get clear that way and then see what happens. If you want to give it to him, great. If you don't, that's okay too.

Confession Tuesday with big papa and banna and local life coach Rebecca silence. Your chance to win Leon and Rami tickets coming up here on kiss fm.