Radio segment (Confession Tuesday) featuring life coach Rebeccah Silence advising a listener about a seven-month relationship where the partner refuses to give a title. Rebeccah emphasizes self-worth, setting clear standards, asking for what you want, and moving on if needs aren't met; she recommends making a list of relationship requirements and owning those boundaries.
97I 1055 Kiss FM. Big Papa and Liz.
And in studio, Rebecca. Silence. Local life coach.
That's right. It is a Confession Tuesday. And good morning again. So again, here's how we roll on a Confession Tuesday. You go to cnykiss.com you submit your story, your email, your topic, whatever you'd like Rebecca's help with, and we address it right here on the air. You ready for this week's email? All right, here we go. Dear Rebecca, I've been talking to this guy for seven. He has a key to my apartment, and we spend every free time we can together. Every time we're out in public and someone asks if we're dating, he's always so quick to say no. All of his friends know about me. I have yet to meet his family. I finally asked him where we stand and why we can't have a title. He responded as, he's not ready for that. I know he cares about me, but I don't understand. Why is a title such a big deal to him? Nothing at all would change in our relationship. He says titles complicate things. The only thing I got out of our conversation is that I feel not worthy of a title, and I'm just here temporarily until someone worthy comes along. He says I'm not wasting my time when I asked if I were, but that's not how I feel at all. Please help give some insight into this, because I definitely don't want to waste time, even if I feel he's worth the wait when he doesn't feel the same about me.
All right, thank you so much for this email. My first question to this listener is why not totally own that a title is important to you? You're saying, you know, why isn't a title important to him? Well, the title is important to you. The type of relationship you want is important to you. So your worth is not dependent on this other person. It's dependent on you.
Right.
If you want a title and commitment, I would be say, okay, I won't waste another second of your time because you're not the waste of time. This guy's totally getting his cake and eating it, too. He's got a key. He's got arm cand. He's got no real, you know, having to commit to what's going on.
Technically, he's single, quote unquote, right?
So he gets to enjoy the benefits of the relationship without committing to it. And then what's wrong with that? He's being pretty upfront and honest. So if you're the one sending mixed messages by saying, I want this, but I'm willing to wait to get my needs met until you're ready. Who's that really on? Is it on him, or is it on you to be more of a standard for what you actually require in a partner?
But of course, that feeds into, well, I really love him. I really have feelings. This is so great. It's just right.
But what if you could have that love and those feelings and every single other part of what you want in a relationship, too?
What do you mean?
So what I mean is just because, you know, 25% of the relationship is great if 75% of the relationship isn't, and you've asked for what you want. So this is the most important piece. If you haven't asked for what you wanted yet and you're afraid to because you don't want the relationship to change, I want you to be brave enough to use your voice and ask for what you need. If you've already done that, which is what it sounds like this listener has done. Right. She's already, like, 27 steps ahead because she's been very clear. But then it almost sounds as though you're undermining yourself. If you say what you want and then let it be okay that you're not getting it right.
Accept less. Even though you've, you know, said, this is what I want.
Right. So that's where I'm saying it's not actually on the other person. It's on you to be more of a stand for what you want. So if you're not 100% fulfilled in the relationship, and I don't mean that it needs to be perfect, because it won't be. But if you can use the relationship's flaws and breakdowns as a way to make you a better person, then you can still be 100% fulfilled with it. If you've got basically all of the requirements that you're looking for, whether it's monogamy or you're living together or you're on the marriage track or having children or none of those things.
Okay, so how does she stand firm? How does she stand firm? This is what I want, and, well.
You'Ve got to get off of it being about whether or not you're worthy. It has nothing to do with whether or not you're worthy.
Correct.
You are totally worthy.
Right?
Right. Listen to me. Turn up the radio. You are totally worthy of having every single thing you want in a relationship, but you have to be a stand for it, and you've got to get something so committed to it that you're not willing to settle for anything less.
Well, what if they. What if they. What if they don't choose me next? What if they don't choose me next? They don't choose me. I'm afraid they're gonna not choose me.
They might not. And then it's like the universe did you this great favor and you could find out sooner rather than putting in more time with somebody that wants different things. And it doesn't mean the other person is bad. If you want different things or if one of you is ahead of the other one and not quite ready. Let them be free and do more of what they want and you go get what you want. But I want for everybody's goals, regardless of whether or not their relationship, for you to get so committed to them that it's not a matter of if you're going to get it, but when. I think I've told this story several times over the years on the radio about my 11 page list, front and back of what I wanted in a partner when I left Las Vegas. Because I thought, oh my gosh, I wasn't specific enough with what I wanted in the Vegas partner. So I better do this again and get really clear. 11 page, front and back of what I wanted in a partner. Two months later, my grandmother dies. I end up here in upstate New York. My sister swears that I should give her husband's best friend a chance and just go on a date. I do. I Show him my 11 page list front and back. He pulls out a little list. It was littler, it was like half a page, but he had a list in his wallet.
To be fair, it's hard to compete with an 11 page back in front list.
Rebecca. I was so excited. He knew what he was looking for too. And it really was a conversation. Would have been okay if what he had on his list wasn't what matched what I was looking for and vice versa. I would have been okay. And it doesn't mean you're not gonna have sadness or fear that you're not gonna find the right person. But breathe through it and keep going. And don't you give up on you. Because the world is gonna give you back what you feel about yourself. So if you feel like you're insecure and not good enough and not worthy, what's gonna happen? You're gonna attract people that treat you like you're not good enough and like you're not worthy. And that's not true.
Write a list.
The homework is don't be afraid to move on once you've told the entire truth about what you're looking for. And if you're not sure what you're looking for, make a list. And don't be afraid to show it to them and you just own it. Like, this is what I'm looking for in a relationship. Don't be the person that says, this is what you need to do to make me happy so that we can keep our relationship.
Yeah, that's not gonna work.
They don't have to change, right? Love them for who they are. And that really isn't that what love is? Like being totally willing to support people where they are instead of needing them to be a certain way for your insecurities to go away? That's not gonna work.
Life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com youm can also like her on Facebook. Rebecca inspired results Confession Tuesday Absolutely amazing.
Once again, have fun with your relationship and email us and tell us how it goes.
