Confession Tuesday 11-11-14 BF WANTS TO DELETE MY EXS

It is confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. So I got this message during the the break. Hey, can you tell me what that website address was? I was driving and couldn't write it down. The one for the life coach that was just on your Show. Inspired Results Coach.com is the website. Inspired Results Coach.com. did I mention it's Inspired Results Coach.com?

No, I don't think you did.

Yeah, if you say it three times, people remember it better.

Maybe one.

Okay. Inspired results, coach dot com. There you go. And of course, you can like them on Facebook and this, that, and the other, and you're good to go. Rebecca silence. Good morning once again.

Good morning.

All right, so here's how it works. You go to cnykiss.com and submit your story. Tell us what's going on, and we'll handle it here confidentially on the air for free. All right. Ready?

I'm ready.

Okay. Dear Rebecca, I'm one of those people that likes to hold onto things, including phone numbers. Even if I really talk to someone or never, I like to save their number just in case. My boyfriend and I have been going out for six months, and the other day he went through my phone and noticed I still have numbers for all my exes. I wouldn't call him the jealous type, but he wants me to completely delete all of their numbers. One of my exes is still a good friend, and I talk to him from time to time. Never mind the fact that I just feel like keeping old numbers in text. Was it inappropriate for my boyfriend to ask me to do this? What if we'd been dating longer? Like a year or so?

Mm. Thank you for this email. I think jealousy is something that comes up in every single relationship at one time or another. And what's really great is your boyfriend is showing you something about what he's afraid of. His strategy might not be the most effective, but he's showing you that he has an insecurity, so that's actually cool. But then what I encourage people to do is just get really, really direct with each other about what they're for. So, for example, if I'm coming to a relationship and I know that I get insecure about past relationships, and I fear that the door still might be open to crack, I might want to say that instead of just going through the phone, I might want to say I get a little insecure. Tell me about any exes that you're still talking to. Is there anything there? Is there any regret about the relationship ending? Tell Me where you're at with it now. I think open and honest communication is always the way to go. Instead of walking on eggshells or just dropping hints or just expecting people to get what the problem is. So having issues and concerns and fears in a relationship, that's not a problem. It's not talking about it openly, that's the problem. So be willing to talk about it. So now on your end you have a concern. So what I would encourage you to do is talk about it. How did it make you feel when your phone was gone through and then you were given an instruct? I'm not wanting you to do this. Right. And he might not even be just telling you what to do. You could ask him, are you telling me what to do here? Ask him and then see what he says. Are you just saying what you would like to happen or are you actually telling me what to do? Find out. Don't be afraid to have these really open conversations so that you're not just falling in love with what people promise you. That's the whole segment we just talked about, right? Catfishing. It's just believing people's promises instead of paying attention to who they really are. Don't do that. Pay attention to who they really are. And control freaks in relationships don't get better, it gets louder.

Oh, absolutely.

As the relationship progresses. So when you ask, what if we were in this longer get? It only progresses. So find out. Is this person really trying to be controlling or are they just genuinely hitting a little bit of fear and wanting some reassurance? You gotta find out. And then there's no rules here. Talk to your exes if you want to talk to your exes. But just ask yourself what the reason behind those conversations are. Are you wanting extra attention? Is it an emotional affair? Are you holding on to hope? Is the door open to crack? Because what I will say is, if anyone's in a relationship and they've got the back door open just a crack with hope for somebody else to come along or come back, it's going to ruin the relationship you're in.

Oh, absolutely.

Every single time. So if you're not all in with the door closed, ready to see where this can go, your relationship's already in trouble. And then if you are in an old pattern where same type of junk keeps repeating in your relationships, look for whether or not you have anyone else blocking that door. Right? It's got to be empty for the right person to come through. You have to get out of the way and you have to be Willing to just risk everything with this person all in or not at all is my coaching. Why bother? Otherwise you're just gonna repeat the past and create a whole lot of drama. Because who wants to be with somebody who's one toe in the water and they can feel it, right? Even if you're saying all the right things energetically, they can feel if you're not all in. I had an old boyfriend, the guy I lived with in Vegas. He'd say to me, you're my dream woman, but it's like you're behind the glass. It's like I can't totally get to you. And he was right. I was walls up in the beginning. But then what I did is I put all the walls down, gave it my all. Then once it didn't work, I knew I did everything I could and he wasn't wrong or bad for it not working out. And I knew I had broken the pattern of walls up with men. And then I was able to move on, eventually meet Mark and have a different experience.

Right?

And it's scary to put those walls down. Believe me, I get that. And then you're not actually protecting yourself with the walls up. You're setting it up to get hurt more with the walls up.

Say that again.

If we have the walls up, we're not protecting ourselves. You're setting it up to get hurt more because you're expecting it. So put the walls down and then maybe you'll be able to be pleasantly surprised that an all in relationship can work. But if you won't believe that that's possible, you'll keep proving it, right? So be willing to be open and honest. Number one most important thing, not accusatory. Check it out. Are you telling me what to do with my ex boyfriends? See what he says and then make sure you know where you stand with it.

I just said that. That just saying that. Absolutely. Because that'll be like, right?

Check it out. Are you telling me what to do here? And then if he says yes? If it were me, I would be saying, well, that doesn't actually work for me at all. It's okay to make a request, but I'm not gonna be told what to do. I want us to work together so that we're both comfortable. If you tell me what to do now, I'm uncomfortable. I get that you're uncomfortable. So then you can negotiate on both sides. What would work for both of you from there? And then be willing to go all in. Do yourself a favor. It's an amazing experience. To be all in in a relationship and have that reciprocated. And for a long time I didn't believe that existed. So I proving it right with the walls up. But I promise you, you're only setting yourself up for more hurt with the walls up because you're not letting the person see who you really are and then you can't see who they really are when your walls are up because you're looking through these rose colored glasses that are afraid of getting hurt. And I get we've been hurt before. And you can use that to start paying attention faster for what you know you don't want. So you can weed out the garden, next, next, next and get all in once you do commit. And then it's temporary, right? All relationships, they have a beginning, they have a middle, and they have an end. So you're never stuck. Never ever, ever are you stuck? Never ever, never ever. And my commitment is that in my relationships, I'm staying in them as long as it serves both of us, as long as we're still growing. And then if you're not all in, you can't grow. You stay stuck.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com on a confession Tuesday. If you want your issue handled on the air here, you can do so confidentially. Just go to CNY kiss. Congratulations on your women's empowerment weekend. I'm so proud of you. I really am.

It was incredible. And thank you to all the women who were there.

So we are going to break. Come back, T.J. miller from the number one movie in America, Disney's Big Hero 6. Coming up in just a bit here on Kiss FM.