A short coaching video (Confession Tuesday, 11/22/16) in which Rebecca Silence and a co-speaker respond to a listener going through a divorce who feels intense anger. They normalize anger, distinguish anger from violence, and give practical strategies (screaming, pillows, exercise, journaling, talking) for healthy expression; they also advise reflecting on one’s part in the relationship, learning lessons, and then dreaming/setting standards for future partnerships.
It is a Confession Tuesday with Rebecca Silence Inspired Results, LLC on Facebook. Inspired Results, coach.com how it works is you submit a question to cnykiss.com or to Rebecca, and we handle it here on the air, confidentially. And in doing so, we get to help so many other people here in central New York, because amazingly enough, you're not the only one that has the problem.
Yeah, right. That's the thing.
People like, oh, people are gonna know it's me.
No, we all have.
Oh, my Lord.
So let's just air it out so we can move on.
Absolutely. Dear Rebecca, I'm going through a divorce. I noticed that I feel a lot of anger. What's the best way to deal with this? Right. Neil, right now it feels like the anger will last forever.
Thank you for this question. And I think especially with the holidays coming up, this is a really difficult time of year.
Puts a huge magnifying glass on everything.
To be going through what you're going through. So on one hand, I would encourage you to get really real with your feelings instead of making them wrong. Right. In order to move on with anything, you've got to let yourself get angry. It's really important, actually, because you're gonna have feelings. You're gonna have actually both sadness and anger and probably some fear making any type of transition or any type of big change in your life. And I think I see it all the time in my coaching practice, a lot get afraid of our anger. And we don't want to get angry because it's bad or wrong. But then what ends up happening is if you don't embrace that anger, it just bleeds out all over the people you care about. It's like radiating off of you like the sun.
Anyway, okay, so let me ask you this. If anger's a good thing and you know you're angry because of a breakup.
It'S a natural thing.
Well, sure. How do you embrace the anger and not take it out on people that love you most?
Right? So the deal is healthy expression of anger isn't something most of us learn about. I will tell you it is not violence. Okay? Anger isn't violence. They're two different things. Violence is an attempt to suppress your anger and distract yourself from your anger, actually. So they're not the same. And projecting your anger and lashing out at all is only going to keep that anger stuck inside of you. So, you know, verbal abuse and attack and physical abuse and attack is not a healthy expression of anger. What you can do instead is go out into the woods and scream bloody murder, yell into a pillow. Go work out. Journal a lot. Talking is so helpful in getting the emotion out of your body and onto a page. Or just communicating with another person also gets it out of your body. So talking about this is what I'm angry about. And really giving it a voice and. And really allowing yourself to be where you are is the first step. Now, the point about, I feel like it's gonna last forever. You have choices. I've had coaching clients come into my office that got divorced 20 years ago, and they're not over it. Ooh. So you're not wrong that it could last forever, because for some people, it actually does. Because it's a big deal to take these vows, to have these hopes and dreams about what this relationship is gonna be like, and then the relationship crashes and burns. Game over. So you have a choice, right? With, again, any big event that happens that maybe was unexpected or not what you wanted, you can stay down or you can get up. And part of getting up after a divorce is looking at, okay, what is it that I can do different next time? First of all, looking at your part. You know, I know in my first marriage, I was. I was really good at emasculating my husband. He had a lot of, you know, a huge role in that marriage ending. But I can see where I. I, out of fear, would emasculate him or be a control freak, and that wasn't helpful. So I've really looked at that. So I don't do it again because it ends up where it ends up if I did.
Sure.
So looking at your part, looking at what you would maybe do different moving forward. And then this is the fun part. Okay. But you can't really get to the fun part until you've gotten through your feelings of anger, at least a start. They may come in waves. It's not necessarily gonna be one sitting.
Sure.
And then look at, okay, what do I want to do different next time? So once you've done those two, start dreaming about what you want your future to look like with the next person. Oh. Start dreaming and getting really committed to it's not if it's when I have my next partner, this is what's happening. Get really clear so you can have it. And a lot of people, especially with relationship, again, in my coaching office, it's like a revolving door of people that want a great relationship, but they're terrified. Don't be frozen and paralyzed in fear that you're gonna get hurt in a relationship. You might, but you can find Somebody that when you get hurt or when they get hurt, you get through it together and come out even stronger in the breakdowns. But it means you've got to get clear about what you're looking for, what is your ideal partner. And then don't settle for less. The second you see a red flag, the second you see that this person isn't exactly meeting your standard, it doesn't make them wrong or bad. It just means if you stick around, you're only setting yourself up for disappointment.
Right?
So when Paul and I, the guy I was living with in Las Vegas broke up, this is what I did. I cried, I screamed, I made an 11 page list. Three weeks later, Mark and I got together. Three months later we were engaged. Here we are now. And it's, you know, today actually is my 12 year old's birthday, you know, and she was 6 when we got together. And I'm so grateful to have this guy in her life that's modeling what I want my old daughter to see. A man can be and a relationship can look like. So don't be afraid to dream. But first you gotta get pissed, like really pissed. And then you look at, okay, what's my part, what do I want to make sure I handle so I don't do it again and then dream big.
Rebecca. Silence. InspiredResultsCoach.com on a confession Tuesday. If you would like Rebecca to handle whatever's going on in your world, cnykiss.com, inspiredresultscoach.com or inspired results LLC on Facebook.
And divorce is just an opportunity for rebirth. Don't forget that.
