Confession Tuesday 12-22-15 SHARING KIDS AT CHRISTMAS

It is a confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.

Good morning.

Oh, so last confession Tuesday number one. Before we get into the question, your women's weekend, is that sold out?

Almost. I think we have one spot left.

Oh my God, yes.

It will sell out. Absolutely. This week if you are interested, definitely email me or give me a call. The website is inspiredresultscoach.com the women's women. This weekend is an opportunity for you to in three days change your life permanently. That is what happens there.

It sounds too good to be true, but it absolutely works.

I'm not gonna lie. It's a confronting experience. Right. Working with me is confronting, as you know. And it's about sometimes being your friend is confronting.

Let's be honest here. I've known you since we were teenagers. I'm fully aware.

The reason that I say that is because you're gonna be looking at taking radical responsibility for your, your own suffering, your own happiness, your own ability or lack thereof to create the results that you want. But you will leave with a toolkit that will absolutely, if you follow it, get you the inspired results that you want in 2016. So I would love to have you. This will sell out very limited space. There's only 12 women.

So if you want details, go to inspired results coach.com and it's a full three day all inclusive deal. It's a slumber party that changes your life and it works. That's the best way to join me.

It's the best. I've done over 60 seminars and retreats and it's the best of everything I've learned. Bottom lined into three days.

That's incredible. Absolutely incredible. You can like Rebecca on Facebook. You can also go to inspiredresultscoach.com all right, so are you ready for today's email?

I am.

Okay, so here's how it works. You go to cnykiss.com There's a backlo of all kinds of past segments that we have done and there's a way for you to submit your story confidentially for us to handle here on the air. And everything that is submitted is confidential. We never say names or anything like that. Alright, so here we go. Dear Rebecca, how do I handle the holidays with my kids father. They are nine and do not want to spend Christmas with him and his live in girlfriend. They tell me things all the time about he swears at them and calls them blanking jerks. So I don't really blame them. I was married to him for 10 years and I dealt with his verbal abuse. But now I'm not there to protect them. My kids cry at school when they're staying at his house because they miss me and he won't let them talk to me, let alone call me. I had them buy all of. I had. I had them buy all of them gifts for Christmas because it's my job as their mother to teach them to respect their dad. How do I handle this miserable ways and how do I help my kids? I don't want to go back to court, but I think they need an advocate and someone that can help confide in. Please help.

Thank you so much for this brave email. And you are so not alone.

Absolutely not. And that was the first thing I was going to say is unfortunately, there's a lot of people in a very.

Similar situation, and I've actually been through it myself. So the first thing that I want to suggest is that your kids are. Are always, whether it's this situation or any situation, responding to your energy. So the energy around your ex is this, that. And the next thing I just want you to be really conscious about because your kids are responding to you in that way. I'm not saying that they don't have their own opinions, but what I'm suggesting is that you want to support your children in formulating their own opinions about their father and saying instead of taking your opinions of their father and running with that. And there is very, very common, this kind of loyalty issue where they'll almost pick sides because they're wanting to have a sense of security. And so, you know, a couple of things. You're the parent, it sounds like that is home base. So the home base parent kind of gets the acting out and the brunt of the emotional residual stuff that the kids don't know how to deal with because they feel safe, absolutely feel safe and know that you're gonna love them no matter what. So they get to be real with you. And this happens a lot in families where there's a divorce. I deal with this in my family coaching a lot where one parent is kind of getting all of the ugly, darker acting outside of their kids, and then they're wanting to know why the parent who isn't around that much, the kids are behaving perfectly for. It's because they don't necessarily trust that that one parent they're behaving perfectly for is gonna stick around. So they're not willing to step out of line because they don't wanna lo just understand that you might get the majority of this at Your house. And then I want you to actually take that as a compliment and not feed into, yeah, he's a jerk. Even if it's just a look on your face. I'm sure you're not saying these things to your children, but your kids are so, so receptive. They're gonna understand energetically what you're not saying. And it's true for all of us. You know, we've all had a teacher that didn't like us and the teacher didn't have to tell us. We just know. Right. So it's the same with kids and their parents. They're really reading us and they're understanding.

Or they kick you out of the chorus, you know, whatever. Yeah, that happened.

And if you're home based too, they might have a tendency to pick that side of being loyal to you. So we just want to be careful about that. I think the best gift you can give your kids is for them to learn how to have their own voice, for them to be able to come home and say, this is how I'm feeling. This is what's going on. And you just listen. And then it doesn't sound necessarily like there's a clear separation agreement in place. So that's something that I do think is really, really important so that you're not having be kind of listening to your emotions to make decisions with your ex around custody. If there's a separation agreement, it's just, you know, black and white. Here's what it is. It isn't good or bad or right or wrong. This is what we follow. So if you have a separation agreement in place, I would be coaching you to follow that and let all of this other drama and story go. This is our separation agreement, boys. These are the times you see him, These are the times you see me. Maybe you get your kids a coach or a therapist to talk to about their emotions and what they're going through so that they get a toolkit of how to handle all of this. Because it is a lot. It is a lot for their kids. And you know what, if this ex has a new relationship, that can also be a lot, especially if he's being really nice to her and then kind of nasty with them. This is something that they may need help that's bigger than the parents to talk to someone about.

Sure. Now, as far as home base being safe and home base getting the brunt of, of anything, that's. I mean, that's. It seems like that it's that way not only for like with children, but for even Relationships, it seems like, okay, this is where I feel safe, and this is the person I trust the most. So they're. So they're going to get the thing. I feel safe, so they're going to get the brunt of all of my, you know, insecurities and nervous energy and all that. It seems like that's. That that happens. Right?

Intimacy is confronting, and that's what you're talking about. Absolutely. It happens in relationships. And that's why just a few minutes ago, I sat at the weekend at my women's weekend. It's confronting, yes, because what we're doing is intimacy intu me see letting ourselves be exactly who we are so that we can create evidence that we're lovable no matter what, which then gives you the opportunity to create whatever you want. So, yes, in relationship, it is incredibly confronting. I love that you're actually making that comparison. It's true. There's an author. I love the book the Master of Love. So anyone who hasn't read it, get it. It's by Don Miguel Ruiz. And in the Mastery of Love, he talks about soulmates. And he says most soulmates don't make it because they're reflecting the darkest and the lightest parts of themselves back at each other. The best and the worst of you, you're gonna see in the other person. And that definitely happens with relationships. And the holidays are a big opportunity.

Say that before you go. Say that again. The reflecting time.

What Don Miguel Ruiz is saying about soulmates is that most soulmates don't make it. And this can also include just friendship. It doesn't necessarily even mean romantic relationships. But he's saying that most soulmates don't make it because they're reflecting the darkest and the lightest parts of themselves back at each other. Wow. The best and the worst of you, you are seeing in your partner, Period. End of story. And then my teaching is about understanding that what you're seeing in your partner is you. It isn't them. So you get to learn how to get honest with yourself about what is coming up and heal through that without taking it out on your partner. And that's what gets really difficult. And I think the holidays are a big squeeze. And this time of year is where we tend to make it about the problems with the ex or our partner or the children, instead of recognizing that whatever drama is going on is something that's going on with you, and it's just showing up outside of you so that you have an opportunity to heal it. So the thing that I want want you going back to the listener in the email to do with your boys is just make sure you're saying to them, there is nothing you could ever do to make me love you less. I am so proud of you for talking to me and telling me the truth about how you feel. Your father is doing the best he can and he loves you. And if there's a separation agreement, we're gonna start following that. Keep talking to me about what's going on. I'm gonna get you someone else to talk to that's not me or your dad. So you can just be honest and get it all out and maybe learn some ways to handle the stress, and then that is your business. After that, you're gonna let your kids develop their own relationship with their father and their own opinions of their father. Be really careful not to influence that, because no matter what this guy is doing, he loves his children. He's doing the best he can with the tools he has. And those kids need their parents. Both of you, not just one.

Local life coach, Rebecca. Silence. Inspired results. Coach.com it is a confession Tuesday. Great job.

Thank you. Enjoy the holidays. I'd love to see you at my women's weekend. I will be back next week, so email us your questions. We can't wait.

Have a merry Christmas.

Thank you. You too.

All right, we're gonna break. Come back. It's big Papa Ben here on KISS fm.