A Confession Tuesday episode (Dec 23, 2014) where life coach Rebeccah Silence and a co-host respond to a listener who feels hurt that her boyfriend of four months made New Year's plans without her. The hosts emphasize communicating feelings without blame (use 'I' statements), teaching partners how to 'win' with you by stating desired outcomes, avoiding guilt-driven compromises, negotiating for win-win solutions, and considering whether a partner shares your relationship standards.
It is a Confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. We got a call off the air and without getting into too many specifics, it was a. I feel like you were talking directly to me, even though we were just having a general conversation about, you know, depression and not getting what you want out of life and having, you know, the holidays be a microscope, if you will, about. But you know, that. That phone call coming in, be like, rebecca, I feel like you're absolutely talking to. I need to get my butt in gear with, you know, with what I want to achieve. That was a really cool, really cool compliment and a really cool phone call to get. Cause sometimes we're just, you know, we're in this bubble here.
We never know the ripple effect.
Right.
And I do really appreciate you taking the time to call us and let you know that this show is making a difference. And don't forget to email us if you've got a question or a concern. Email us because so many other people can relate to what you're going through, and then you can make a huge difference for their lives.
You know, and it's funny too, because people like, well, everyone's gonna know it's me. No, honestly, they're not.
Yeah. There's no new problems. We all can relate to the same type of suffering.
Absolutely. So go to cnykiss.com on the left hand side, there's the Confession Tuesday banner. Click on that, tell your story and it's confidential free. And we'll handle it here on Confession Tuesday. All right, you ready?
I'm ready.
Okay. Dear Rebecca, I've been seeing a new guy for about four months. We've been spending a lot of time together. We've gone on a vacation already and we've had our own Christmas plans, so I assumed we'd be spending New Year's Eve together. I was wrong. He's going out somewhere with his buddies and he did not invite me to come. I'm trying really hard not to sing clingy or needy, but this bothers me a lot. Should I bring it up?
I think anytime you're bothered or upset in a relationship, it's really important to communicate that. But here's the trick. I want you to communicate minus blame. I don't want you to be in accusation mode when you bring up your issue.
It's not about. It's not about bringing it up. It's how you bring it up. It's about how you present it.
Absolutely. If you are going to make it about the person did something wrong and they need to change. You are just looking for war, right? So instead of war, we want conflict resolution. So you want to bring up. And a great way to do that is to say statements, talk about you. I'm feeling disappointed. I'm feeling sad about New Year's. I thought we would be together. I want us to be together and then ask questions. So talk about yourself, own your own experience and then ask questions as opposed to making accusations. So is there a reason why you want us to be separate on New Year's instead of, I can't believe that you're going to be with them and not me. What's the deal? Right. I want you to be really careful about, is there any blame or threat in your conflict, bringing up the issue mode.
Sure. So, but how does it. It's. It's a tricky slope because hypothetically, say the guy already has the plans. They're already paid for whatever the plans are. Who knows, who knows what they are, but he changes them because of the bringing it up. Could that be a problem down the line? Because. Because of the changing of the plans and this, that and the other. Because depending upon how the situation is handled, that could be another problem later down the line. Right.
So in relationship, I always want both people in a win versus a lose.
Right?
So if anyone's agreeing to anything that actually is a lose for them out of fear or guilt or obligation, it will absolutely blow up. And I think that's what you're talking about.
Yeah.
So, yeah, I wouldn't want someone guilting the other partner into anything. And then if you're the one being guilted into changing your plan, just know you've given all your power away to the other person and that you'll probably resent them later.
Right?
Because in a relationship, if anyone's losing, the whole relationship loses. So a lot of times people think, oh, I'm gonna sacrifice or compromise myself here to make things better. It's only makes things worse. And I would say to my husband from the beginning, I'd rather you get mad and get. Or let me get mad and get over it. And I'd rather me let you get mad and get over it than have either one of us sacrifice anything so that the other one's happy. Because if I get mad, it isn't his fault anyway. So get that. It's very much okay to say I wanted us to be together on New Year's and then look at what happened. Where was the breakdown? Use it as an opportunity to grow the relationship. Maybe we should have talked about it sooner. Maybe I shouldn't have made an assumption. Right. Talk about you. I assumed we'd be together. I didn't make other plans. Now I recognize we should have talked about this earlier. And then maybe there's a way to make it a win win. Maybe you go out with your girlfriends, he goes out with his guy friends, and then you all come together later. There's always a solution if you're willing to look hard enough and long enough until you find it. And what I want for people to do in their relationships is to be willing to negot as long as it takes until you find a solution that works for both people. If we're just looking at the problem and focusing on that, it's just gonna keep escalating. But instead, when you're having these conversations, make sure you know what you want is the end result. I think that's what's missing a lot. When people are fighting, they're focusing on what's wrong and they're not focusing on solution. But anytime I'm upset, what I need to do is bring to the table what I do want, what the solution is. You gotta teach people how to win with you. So with your boyfriend here, I would teaching him how to win with you. When there's a big holiday, I want us to be together. I want us to enjoy each other. You know, is that something moving forward that you're going to be okay with.
If but at the same time I want you to want it? That's because a lot of people will say that too. I, you know, you saying I want us to be together, but it's more of I want you to want it too. And I think a lot of times that's, I think that that's where the feelings are hurt is, you know, I can't believe that you didn't want to be with me. And I think that's a lot of the root of this.
Well, and then that's all victim thinking and Dr. And instead of saying I want you to want it, what I.
Would say is I want you to want me.
But here's what I would say instead. I want to be with someone who wants to do this with me instead of I want you to do it. I want you to get that if this person isn't gonna do it, let them go and be willing to wait for the one who will. So I want someone who's willing to get closer to me when there's a problem versus pushing me away. I want someone who wants to spend the holidays way stronger than I want you to want this with me. It sounds whiny and needy and like a little kid. Do you see the difference?
Yeah. Yeah.
It's like, here's my bar. Are you willing to be this person that I'm saying I want? And maybe you are and maybe you're not. And if you're not next, like, I want you to be that confident about what you deserve in your relationships.
Local life coach Rebecca silence. Inspired results. Coach.com Amazing job as always.
Thanks.
Have a merry Christmas to you and your family. Happy new year, and we'll talk to you.
Yeah, Everyone have a great holiday, and.
We'Ll talk to you in 2015.
Yes, we will. Yeah, Everyone have a great week.
All right, we're gonna break. Come back Big papa band on Kiss fm.
