A listener asks if giving a Christmas gift to someone he's been casually dating for six months will mess things up. Life coach Rebeccah Silence says the real question is whether he wants to escalate or stay casual, and he needs to pick one and be clear about it.
Questions this video answers
Six months.
She said, 'We've got six more weeks until I have this baby.'
In studio, it is a confession Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca silence. Good morning once again.
Good morning.
All right, cnykiss.com, you give us the situation and Rebecca, her job. Pretty much what you are amazing at is you get through the crap. You get through the he said, she.
Said, but you get to the root of the issue.
Seriously. Because when you. When someone tells a story, there's always like, and then this happened, and then this happened, and then. And you're just. And you stop them about two seconds in. Okay, so what you're saying is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Exactly. You know, like, you get. You get to the root of the problem because the problem will start, and then it'll just, you know, we're gonna get the snow and the sleep. It's like a snowball going down the. Going down the hill.
We don't focus of the symptoms of the problem. We focus on the root issue.
Exactly. Yes, exactly. So go to cnykiss.com and tell your story, and we'll handle it here on the air confidentially. You ready?
I'm ready.
Okay. This is. This is actually really good for this time of the year.
Okay. All right.
Dear Rebecca, I've been seeing a girl for six months. But we're not serious. We're extremely casual. But even though we're not official, in parentheses. But even though we're not official, she's important to me, and I want to show her that I care. So I'm thinking about getting her something nice for Christmas. Would that be weird? I don't want to muddy the waters or confuse her. But not getting her something would seem weird, too. Will getting her a gift make things more complicated?
So my first question is, are you afraid of commitment? Are you afraid? Sure.
Sounds it.
Having this progress past the point that you're comfortable and then just everyone out there with relationship issues. Consider the possibility that relationships are never meant to be comfortable. If it's comfortable and it means the relationship is kind of dead in the water, right? That you're not really growing together anymore, getting bored. So it's okay that things get a little uncomfortable when you're in a relationship, that means the relationship is healthy and working. And then you've got to think about. I love what you're saying about not wanting to send mixed messages. I think that's so important that everyone in a relationship be aware of how they are coming across. Because you don't want to say one thing and do another and then have that come back you. Because it will.
But it sounds like he wants More. And he's afraid that he, you know, he's got feelings there.
Right. It sounds like the ultimate truth here is that you want to take it to the next level, but then at the same time, you're scared to. And then how many of us can relate to that? Right? I mean, it's absolutely okay to be scared of this. And then what I would ask you to consider is, in five years, what are you going to wish you had done? Think about that. Anytime you're up against a wall in any situation, in five years, what are you gonna wish you have done? Like, take it out of being in the drama for a minute and almost become like, the observer. Like, you're watching it like you're watching yourself in a movie. You're not emotionally attached when you become the observer. And when we're in it like the.
Movie A Christmas Story.
Okay.
You know that you're. You're looking at it from the side.
Yeah, exactly.
It's a great technique. Just observe yourself when you start to get scared, Ebenezer's scared, and notice. And then ask yourself, ok, five years, what am I going to wish I did? Right? Like, do you want this to be the one that got away? Do you want to know that you did everything you could to make an attempt with her? Or are you just very clear that this is staying casual? And then if that's the case, there's nothing wrong with saying, honestly, I wanted to get you a present because you're important to me and I'm really happy exactly the way things are. That's clear.
Right.
And there's nothing wrong with that. But it sounds like maybe you're not clear about what you really want, or at least not ready to quite stand behind what you really want. And there's nothing wrong with that either. But you gotta pick. It's like you gotta choose a team here. You gotta choose a side.
Now, see, this is where days like Christmas and Valentine's Day make it a little rough. If you have, like the casual friends.
Yeah, that's not.
But it's awesome at the same time. You can look at it like, oh, this is rough. Or you can look at it like, okay, we're putting a magnifying glass on the reality of the situation. Right? Like, you're not dealing with anything that isn't already there to be dealt with just because it's Christmas or Valentine's Day.
Yeah. There's no need to bring out the magnifying glass. Come on.
Why not?
See, I feel like the magnifying glass might get dangerous. Like ants. That's what I'm saying. Like, if we're gonna take that thing out, what are we gonna do with the relationship?
But here's the point. The ants get burned because they were gonna get burnt. So if you're gonna get burnt, you might as well know. So you can move on.
She's good.
You might as well.
She's good.
Or you can stay in purgatory land. And I hate purgatory. Right. I mean, you don't get to be happy or sad in purgatory. It's just that weird, comfortable, dead in the water stage. So you have an opportunity here to either move this relationship to the next level, get honest and really clear going into next year about the fact that this is staying casual, or maybe it's just not the right girl for you and it's time to move on.
Five years from now, what do you wish you would have done? There you go. I think that's like the best line. Yeah.
And observe yourself instead of being in the drama. That's really important. And then you can't go wrong. Remember, you're winning.
Local Life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com make sure you like the page. Go to cnykiss.com if you have a situation, you want her help here on the air, confidentially and for free, you can absolutely do so. And if you have a business and would like Rebecca to come and speak at your business, absolutely do that as well. Again, inspired results coach.com yeah.
And please keep these emails coming. We love to hear from you and you help more people than you could ever comprehend when you write in because you are not alone in your situation. And then anyone who wants to get on my email list, make sure you visit the website and shoot me an email. We've got six more weeks until I have this baby and there will be a lot coming out via email while I take a short leave and then I will be back in coaching in no time.
Confession Tuesday Local Life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com with KISS FM.
