A radio-call transcript of Confession Tuesday (host Rebecca Silence) where a caller asks how to cope when a partner is emotionally distant. A local life coach advises using I-messages, avoiding blame, checking assumptions, timing conversations when calm, and offering concrete phrasing (e.g., "Help me understand...") as homework to improve connection.
Now, the way it works here on a Confession Tuesday is you go to cnykiss.com, you tell us what's going on in your world, tell us your story, and we'll handle it here on the radio confidentially. And as we help you, it seems like we help so many others in the process. So cnykiss.com and of course you can email bigpapnykiss.com as well. You ready?
I'm ready.
All right, here we go. How do you cope in a relationship when your partner doesn't need or want to express themselves and is emotionally distant?
Yeah, that is a great question. And something that happens, I think in all relationships, there are going to be moments where maybe one person is more open than the other.
Right.
And a lot of times in my couples coaching, I see that it'll flip flop. One person will be open, the other one will be shut down. Then they switch.
That does happen, doesn't it?
It does.
Because. Because it seems like no relationship is perfect. Let's, let's, let's put it out there.
Including mine, by the way.
No relationship is perfect. And I think that people have like. And I think because of like movies and like Disney movies and whatever else that like, oh, I want the. They have the perfect relationship.
It's perfect.
No relationship is perfect. Every relationship is work in some way, shape or form. And you know, there are times when one is gonna be more needy than the other. And you're right. I never noticed that before. You're absolutely right.
But it happens all the time where the roles kind of reverse. And so anytime you are having an unmet need, and what I mean by an unmet need is you're just feeling off. You're feeling like you're not getting what you want in the moment, I'm going to empower you to speak up about it. Because one of the things that I think is really dangerous and destroys relationships is when we're needy for the other person to do something. For me to be okay when I need the other person to show up in a certain way for me to be okay when I need the other person to open up more, to do this, to do that. I'm putting a lot of pressure on the relationship and I'm suffocating my partner.
But at the. But at the same time, when you're in a relationship, sometimes that's what you really want from them.
Yeah. And it's toxic.
Okay.
Yep. I get it. And this is how we're programmed, okay, to be totally codependent to need our partner to be a certain way.
Sometimes I just want to be held, Rebecca. Silence. Is that okay?
But see, like, what you just did, now, that would be perfect because you're just owning it. You're not blaming. Right. Because what can happen, that gets slippery is when you're blaming the person. Don't you know, I need to be held and you're not holding me. How could you. Right. Like these types of conversations.
Okay.
Right. Some woman says that to you. You're. You're going to run pretty far pretty fast.
Yeah. Right. But if it's. But if it's a, hey, will you hold me? Like, you know what I'm saying? But it's all about how you communicate, though, right?
Absolutely. It's all about how you communicate. But I don't know. I don't know how.
But this conversation just turned into me getting snuggled. That's it.
Why not? So it's all about the way you communicate, but I'm also encouraging you to be willing to hear that right now is not a good time. Like, your partner might not be available for whatever it is that you're asking for in that moment.
Okay.
Right. Maybe right now they're in the middle of doing something important for work. Or maybe right now they're in the middle of an important phone call. I mean, it's about getting your needs met, but being willing to be responsible for that without making the other person stop what they're doing. Change what they're doing right here, right now for you.
Okay, so what's the best way to kind of communicate that? Because it seems. Because everyone. It seems like everyone has this. But how do you communicate it where it's, you know, because it is a slippery slope. There's a way to communicate but not put pressure on.
So anything. If you're noticing that you're not getting certain needs met. Okay. Anytime that happens, I want you to get that you're not setting it up well to get your needs met. It's not ever, ever, ever the other people that need to change for you to be okay if you're triggered, if you're feeling unsatisfied, you just haven't set it up well yet to get what you're wanting. So of course an important con needs to happen. But I want you to be having those conversations when you're clear and not in a big drama.
Yeah. Not in the moment.
Right. If you're doing it in the moment while you're feeling like, oh, this person doesn't care about me. They never do anything. I want them to do.
And then it turns into like, then it turns into so many more things but also turns into like everything else too. It's not isolated.
Oh yeah, sure, every little past event can be pulled out of the hat. And that's real dangerous too, by the way. So I don't want you to have these conversations when you're triggered and I don't want you want you to bring any past issues up in the moment. And that can happen where it's just, here's one issue after another issue after another issue. And this is where you've heard me talk about how it's not good to be a doormat in the relationship or a bulldozer. And a lot of times doormats, they sit on it until it gets too much and then they bring it all out.
Oh yeah, right.
And this just doesn't work very well. So I want you to consider that anything you're saying, I want you to be talking about you. I. Messages. I need, I want, I feel, I feel sad.
I just want to get snuggled. Yeah, I want to get help.
I miss you. I really want some connection, whatever it is, but if you're putting it on the other person that you are not doing this right, you suck as a partner. You're not going to get any closer.
So what's some, what's some good homework for someone who's in the middle of this? And, and you know, it's, the question is how do you cope in a relationship when your partner doesn't need or want to express themselves, it is emotionally distant. So if they, they're feeling, they're feeling a disconnect.
So here's a great one liner, you know, help me understand. It's all about a misunderstanding when you're in any conflict in a relationship. So if you could say I love you, help me understand I'm experiencing you is a little bit shut down. Is everything okay? Because you have to understand this might just be your crap. They might be fine. They might just be preoccupied or have something else going on. They might be fine. So I want you to check things out before you make assumptions. That's the number one homework assignment. Check it out, ask questions, don't assume. And then be willing to hear what's going on. Maybe they are upset. Maybe they've been afraid to tell you why they're upset because of your potential reaction.
And, and remember this, it may not be because of you.
And even if they tell you it's because of you, it's not okay. I want you to get that. Like, even when people say, because you did this, now I'm upset. It's something totally reminding them of their past. It has nothing to do with you. It's some issue they brought to the table before you. I promise.
Local life coach Rebecca Silence.
So don't take things personal.
Inspired results, coach.com. what's going on in your world? Tell us your story. How can. How can she help you? Go to see kiss.com and. And let us know what's up.
Yeah. So check things out. Don't think things personally and have the conversations when you're clear.
It's Confession Tuesday with local life coach Rebecca Silence here on KISS fm.
