Confession Tuesday 3-11-14 "Boundries with Teen"

Local life coach Rebecca silence Confession Tuesday. I've. I've missed you. We were like, we ran best of. Because you were at your retreat thingy.

Okay.

See, I don't, I don't know how to explain where you go when you go on these things. I just call them a ray. It's a Rebecca silence retreat thingy because.

You know, good enough.

Exactly. I mean, and anybody who's ever met you, they're like, oh, okay, it's Rebecca. That makes sense. Yeah, that's kind of how it goes. But we ran a best of last week, so I literally haven't had a kid like a conversation with him.

I know. I've missed you too.

So it's, it's kind of like, you know, it's like old home. It's like going to like a class reunion right now. So what's going on in your world? But here's how we roll here. On confession Tuesday, you go to CNY kiss.com on the left hand side, there is a banner that says confession Tuesday. You tell us what's going on in your world and local life coach Rebecca silence will break it down and cut through. And this is the hardest part, pretty much for everybody is to look at something without the drama. It's almost like making it to the simplest, simplest point, which a lot of people can't do for themselves.

Right. We get out of the story, we get out of focusing on what you don't have control over and turn it around, looking at what you actually do have control over.

So go ahead. Cnykiss.com, and it's free. And of course it's confidential because that's how we roll. All right, you ready?

I'm ready.

Okay. Dear Big Papa and Rebecca, this week you had an email about mom and stepparent discipline. I'm a single mom. Well not have been consistent with discipline at all. Let me try that again. I, as a single mom, well, have not been consistent with discipline at all. Now my children are grown, 16 and 17, and all I need is respect from them and respect for each of them to each other. How do I re educate myself and my children now? Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope my error is not too late to fix. So this isn't like little kids, you know, elementary school. We're talking teenagers and you know, some of the terrible teens. Sometimes you. The game changes.

Terrible teens.

Well, no, seriously, the game changes when they become young adults. And as a parent, sometimes you don't really know like a little kid. You kind of have an idea of how to, you know, instill values and instill that kind of stuff and communicate as a teenager. You know, sometimes it's, it's, it's a, you know, it's dark and there's no headlights.

Yeah. So this is something that we focus on at the Radiance seminar. We just got out of the Radiant seminar. And at Radiance we're teaching women about self respect and how to radiate light in all areas of their lives. So I'm going to suggest it's never too late to start respecting yourself because that's really the issue. If we're not consistent with kids, if we're not following through, then of course they're going to test the boundaries and they're going to go as far as they can. And you know, it's really important to understand parents of teenagers. They're doing their job. This is the time of their lives where they are questioning how they fit into the world and they are going to be exploring. And it's either they do it now under the roof with you in a safe space, or in their 20s and 30s, they go test all kinds of things.

Yeah. It's funny because the way my, my life has kind of played out and I realized this over the last couple of weeks is the fact that I absolutely lived my 30s and my 20s, and I'm living my 20s in my 30s. That's, that's.

And that happens to a ton of people.

Yeah, that's, that's happening right now. So what you said was with the, with this, you know, with this parent of the, you know, the mom of the teens, you're saying it starts with her?

I'm saying it starts with you.

Okay.

And then I'm also suggesting that it's not a bad thing that the kids are kind of rebelling right now. This is their job as teenagers. And when we make them wrong, then they're going to all of a sudden, once they're having any sense of freedom, go rebel then. So it's not a bad thing. They're rebelling now. But what isn't okay is bold faced disrespect. And so that's on you. And what I'm gonna suggest again is that if your kids are crossing the line with you, I can almost guarantee other people do it too.

Okay.

It's probably not just the kids. So this is something that you can work on for yourself. And I define boundaries like this. Boundaries are you knowing what you need in any given situation and then saying how you're going to get it regardless of what other people do. So for example, with your kids, if they're, you know, asking you for money on one hand and then telling you, no, I'm not going to help out with the dishes, the house cleaning, what have you, on the other hand, I would just be saying, what I want is for you to do xyz and then I'd be happy to pay you the allowance that I said I would, but you're going to have to do your part if you want me to do mine.

Now, the natural reaction when trying to, you know, to trying to reestablish boundaries is to come at it really, really hard. That seems to be, that seems to be the natural thing is like, I'm going to set my boundaries and you know, like almost full bore, almost too hard to set the boundaries and it could have like a backlash effect. Right?

Well, this is where I think people kind of misconstru what a boundary is. It's not a demand. A boundary is not a demand. Or an aggressive. Demand is the best word I can think of.

Well, for some people who don't know how to set the boundaries, that may be the reactionary way to try to set the boundary is to be, I have no better way to say it but to be a hard ass.

But a lot of people, right, they might come across as a hard ass, but they train people that they're gonna just get mad and get over it. They don't do anything different. So I'm wanting to help people learn how to actually do a different dance step. So what that looks like is how are you going to get your need met regardless of what other people do? A boundary is not, you have to do this for me or else. Because nobody's wrong, they don't have to do anything different. It's just a matter of whether or not what they're doing is compatible with you.

So for this, for this mom of teenagers and trying to set boundaries, what now? What's a good, What's a good, like, step in the right direction? What's some good homework for them?

So what I would suggest that she does is really have a conversation saying, I love you guys. I really appreciate. You are my kids. I am so proud of you. I want us to all have an easier time at home. So I want to have a conversation about what you guys are willing to do to help out around here. And then let's come up with a way that if you do it, you're rewarded. And if you don't, I'm rewarded as the parent. Right. Because it's gonna need to get done whether you do it or not. So either you're paying to have someone else do it for you. Right. I can hire somebody.

Right.

Or I'm going to pay you to do it. So let's talk about what you will and will not agree to and go from there. Let them be part of the conversation. Teach them that we can work together to get through these difficult issues instead of like, it's just going to be a demand from mom and then they're going to fight back.

And, you know, how you handle them is going to teach them how they, you know, how they're going to end up handling their kids later on.

Absolutely. And, you know, I was just at Bellamy Elementary School last week, and I'm teaching the difference between being a doormat and a bulldozer and assertive. And a lot of people think it's just, I'm either a doormat or I have to be a bulldozer. But either way, somebody loses and the relationship suffers. It doesn't have to be that way.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com How. How did it. How'd she do? Do you have anything to add to it? Use hashtag Confession Tuesday on on Twitter and also Facebook and of course on the Facebook page at cny. Kiss. We're gonna break. Come back more of your emails coming up next here on KISS fm on a confession Tuesday.