A listener asks how to keep her boyfriend in line while she's away and he goes to a parade. The hosts and life coach Rebeccah Silence say controlling him won't work, and suggest talking openly about what matters to each of you instead.
97, 9101055 Kiss FM. It's Liz and Big Papa 752, and we are doing our confession Tuesday thing we do every Tuesday here with local life coach Rebecca. Silence.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Okay, so here's how we roll on a confession Tuesday. Of course, you can go to inspired results coach dot com. That is Rebecca's web address. Go check that out. I almost said email. I almost said email for some reason, but you can check out everything that. That Rebecca has to offer, whether coaching sessions or the retreats or seminars or even speaking to your organization or your job should come to that as well. And absolutely fantastic. What we're doing here on a confession Tuesday is Rebecca tackles a topic or a question from a listener, and you can go to cnykiss.com and submit yours. Are you ready?
Yes.
Okay. Dear Rebecca, I went to Florida for spring break with my girls and had a blast. Ever since I've been back, though, my boyfriend has been acting really weird and distant. I have to work Saturday, and he has plans to go to the parade with his friends, and I'm afraid he's gonna get back at me for spring break. How can I make sure that he behaves?
Oh, my goodness. You can't. You just can't.
So.
Just break this down a little bit. You are allowed to go on spring break, and he's allowed to go to the parade. And what I want you to consider is that if you're feeling distant, so in any relationship, if somebody is starting to feel tension or distance or upset, basically, when I'm coaching couples, I coach the one who feels it first to get in leadership and to start communicating about it. Cause what'll often happen is I'm upset, so you should pick up on it. But I'm not gonna say anything, and you should be the one to handle it.
Okay?
Right. So that doesn't work. Right. Cause in your relationship, it is not anybody's job to.
Liz is turning red, by the way.
Oh, no.
By you saying that, you're hitting a chord with Liz.
Well. But good luck, right? You're expecting your partner to read your mind. It's not gonna happen. So what I'm saying is that now that you are recognizing a pot issue, I would suggest that instead of trying to parent your partner, which in my experience doesn't ever go well, like, this is what you can do. This is what you can't do, you know?
Oh, so, like, you go, you can do this. You can't do that.
Right? It. It's. It's going to break you guys up pretty quick.
Right.
If you're telling each other what to do.
And. Because most people, they, you know, if their significant others telling them what they can and cannot do, and that is, you know.
Well, it's just. It's breeding ground for major resentment.
Yeah.
And. And nobody wants to be in a relationship so that they can get parented.
Sure.
Right. We all already survived our childhood, so unfortunately, however, that dynamic happens a lot in relationships where people. Sometimes they're in sibling rivalry, sometimes they parent each other. And then we wonder why the divorce rate and breakup rates are so high. So instead of being needy and demanding and kind of parenting your partner around what he can and cannot do, I would be making it more attractive to reconnect with him. And in every relationship, we're not together 100% of the time. And if you were, you would probably get bored. So in a relationship that is built to last, I have one majorly important ingredient, I guess I would call it that I see working for people, and that is to maintain independence while you have your relationship.
Okay.
So the relationships that are really solid and built to last that I have seen, the couple learns how to be both independent and nurture their relationship at the same time. But unfortunately, most couples don't get training around how to do that. And it's pretty rare, actually. But it works in independence and having the relationship, it doesn't mean that you have to live in separate states or that you never see each other. It's that you both have your own life that you're proud of. You have your own experiences that fulfill you and excite you outside of the relationship, and then you come back and nurture the relationship at the same time. So it's actually really healthy to have that independence. But if you. It often scares people. And that's what I'm hearing from this listener in the email. I had independence and went to spring break. He's going to have independence. Going to the parade. Oh, no. And I actually think that's a really good thing. Let him miss you a little bit. You get to miss him a little bit. But I would encourage you to openly communicate about. Yeah, I'm starting to feel disconnected. So before the parade this weekend, can we have a date? Even if it's just at home, can we have a date? Watch a movie, light some candles, just have some quality time together? Because I'm noticing how much I miss you, and I can't wait for you to have fun this weekend. But I just want to make sure we're connected first.
Nailed it.
That's pretty good. Why not, right? And then if. So, here's the deal. If somehow that triggers a fight or no, I'm not actually interested. Well, good information for you to have. And I'm coaching people all the time to get real and to face the truth of what's going on in their lives and so that they can either handle it and move on or be pleasantly surprised and reconnected. But those are the options. Don't be afraid of the truth and don't be afraid of independence in your relationship. The only way it's going to last. Because if you lose your identity because you're in this relationship, that's not the partner's fault. It's yours.
Life coach Rebecca. Silence. Inspired results. Coach.com is the website. Do it every Tuesday here on Kiss fm. Absolutely. Awesome.
Thank you. I can't wait to see everybody. Everybody next week. And happy birthday to my mother.
Oh, happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Susie.
Oh, boy. And let us know how this turns out with the parade coming up this weekend.
Yes.
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