Rebeccah Silence on what to do when you find your partner has a secret dating profile. She says check your intuition for missed signs, take 50% responsibility for relationship dynamics, and recognize secrecy often comes from childhood patterns. Honest conversations and boundaries can interrupt the cycle.
It is a confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.
Good morning.
All right, so here's how we roll on a confession Tuesday. You go to cnykiss.com you click on the confession Tuesday icon, and you tell us your story. It doesn't matter what you're looking to have help with or what the situation is, because, I mean, just from you doing what you do, people come at you when. With everything, right?
Yeah. My approach is to help people get responsible for their experience, meaning we focus on what you actually have control over and get out of all of those areas that you don't have control over that cause a lot of stress. Right. So that's kind of the difference in this life coaching style. And, yeah, I get all kinds of different scenarios coming through the doors, and then we just create an action plan around what you can do to change your own experience.
Okay, so head off to CNY kiss.com send us your story, send us your situation, and we'll handle it here on the air. Confidentially. Friend of a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend. And the guy is a friend of mine.
Okay.
And one of his other friends let him know that his girlfriend had an active profile on a dating site. And it's one of those. And I guarantee that there are people out there listening right now that have either been in something similar or, you know, maybe they were married and their husband or wife had a profile, or.
Maybe it was them or.
Or maybe it was them. And. Yeah. Um, when. When that kind of situation arises, take it. If you're like the person finding out about the other person on. On the. On that site, what's a good way to kind of handle it? I mean, do you just go straight at it? Is there. You know, does it really matter on any other circumstances?
Yeah. So, first of all, I think that there's a lot of opportunity here. Number one, I would be asking myself, where was I not following my own intuition.
Okay.
Right. So if you're the one who all of a sudden found out your significant other is having secrets, whether it be an online profile somewhere or something else, because there can be other types of secrets going on, addictions, all kinds of things that people are hiding from their partner. So I'd be asking myself, if I was in that type of a situation, situation, where was I not paying attention to any type of signs or any of that inner voice telling me something's off. Right. Because when there's that much of a breakdown, of course there are signs along the way before it gets to that.
Point, because the Reason that people would do that is, is because they're not getting something. They're. They feel like they're missing something. Yes or no?
Well, possibly. Also, people make the decisions they make in relationships based on what they believe relationships look like.
Okay.
Resulting from what they learned in their childhood. Right. You want me to say that again? So people are going to show up as adults in their relationships.
For the record, don't ask me a question when I'm mid swallow.
Okay, so I was drinking coffee, but I think this is important for everybody to understand. I almost joked show up in the relationship based on what they believe relationships look like from what they learned in their childhood.
Sure.
So we have two parents, they show us what relationships look like, Right? And that's what we learn is normal. So when you see people repeating dysfunctional patterns or in relationships when they're asking, what am I doing this for? Again, this doesn't make sense. Well, I can guarantee it's based on what you think is normal as a result of what you learned in your childhood. So not necessarily about what you're getting or not getting in terms of your needs met, why you would go off and do something secret. A lot of times what I find is that anyone doing secrets in a relationship had a parent doing secrets in their relationship with their parents.
Okay, so, you know, going around the barn, okay, you blame your parents, but at the same time you're still the one that's doing the deed, right? So, you know, even though they may have learned that trait from their parents, you know, they're still the one doing it. How can you. You know, I don't, I don't know if fix is the right word, but how do you.
How do you break the pattern?
Yeah, how do you break the pattern?
How do you make what. I look at it in terms of its patterns and don't ever hear me blaming parents. It's not about that. It's just kids are sponges and we unconsciously take on that this is the way it is.
Right?
So it's not about blaming the parents. And guess what? They learned it too. The parents were just learning from their parents who were learning from their parents. So my work, it's generational healing, it's breaking these patterns that go back for generations, whether it's secrets or anything else.
Okay?
So you break the pattern by recognizing it first of all, because so often people don't even connect the dots that, oh, I'm doing this, and this is totally like the dynamic of my parents marriage, but often it is. So when you notice the pattern. That's, that's huge, right? And then you can decide, all right, do I want to keep repeating history or do I want to do it a certain way? So for your friend in this scenario who's not doing secrets, but he's got someone hiding things from him, I would be also looking at his past, going, all right, how does that match up? And then just being very honest about what it is that you are looking for and be willing to put it out there.
But here's in that kind of situation, it, it sounds easy to, okay, you found out about it. Be honest, put it out there. Da, da, da. The same there, There are feelings that are hurt, you know, there. I mean, it's emotional, right?
But there's 50% of each person in every relationship.
Oh, you're, oh, wow.
It's going to be.
My voice is cracked.
It's going to be very important that he look at his part as well.
Okay?
Right. It's not all her. And that's this blame.
That's not.
If you ask him. And good luck with that. I mean, you can keep putting all the blame on someone, drop them, and then have the same type of situations with every new relationship. So what I'm saying is take 50% responsibility. Whether it's that you weren't paying attention, you weren't communicating, you weren't trusting your intuition. Who knows what your 50% is? But I promise you're half, you're half of this experience. And so if in your relationships you don't learn from whatever breakdowns you're in, you will repeat them.
Okay? So say you finally realize you have that, that you're a virtual repeater. What's, what's a good homework tip to kind of help break the, the pattern, if you will.
Right? So a great pattern interrupt is just to call it out, okay. To actually have the conversation. And what's the alternative, right? You stay in this self inflicted hell and maybe dump the person and then go have a similar experience with the next one. So say something. You can definitely set boundaries where you're not all of a sudden forgiving and giving absolution without paying attention what happened? That's not what I'm suggesting at all. I'm saying actually deal with what occurred and say, hey, maybe we need to get a coach. Maybe we need to get into therapy. Maybe, you know, maybe this isn't going to work. But have the conversation, otherwise your head's just in the sand. Or you could repeat the history.
Local life coach Rebecca Silence. Inspired results. Coach.com coaching circle tonight. Yes.
Yes. Coaching circles are tonight. One more piece to that. Just remember that like attracts so this person might be showing you and being a mirror for something going on in you that you haven't paid attention to. Also, like maybe you're not totally being honest with yourself about certain things in your own life. You can just guarantee this person is a great teacher for you.
Inspired results. Coach.com local life coach Rebecca Silence in studio. Go to cnykiss.com tell us your story and we'll handle it on the air coming up here on KISS fm.
