Confession Tuesday 3/29/16 COUPLE WITH EXTREME HAPPY AND EXTREME UPSET

In studio, it is local life coach Rebecca Silence on a confession Tuesday. Good morning.

Good morning.

So your congratulations. It seems like Rebecca Silence has the Midas touch. It does. Because everything that she touches and everything that she seems to get involved in turns into a success. And, and she's not the person to be like, everything I touch is awesome.

Right.

Because I mean, that's, that's not her. But I, but I can toot her horn for her in the fact that every time she's had a retreat, every time that she's had a big seminar type event, it sells out and it is life changing for the people that are a part of it. And you have another one coming up this weekend that is sold out. So congratulations on that. It's a, it's a leadership seminar. And I know that you have a radiant seminar for women coming up in.

The fall, the Inspired Results Women's Weekend, right? Yep. In November.

So if you want details on that, you can go to inspired results coach.com or like Rebecca on Facebook. It's Rebecca Silence of Inspired Results. So between those things and I can't wait to hear about that. I mean, we've already sold the quote, unquote, the leadership Weekend. But I mean, this weekend is a big deal for you and it's a big deal for a lot of people.

And this is an amazing group of powerful women that have come together. My leadership tips on how to survive any circumstance. So it's a little bit different than like a traditional corporate training for leadership. These women want to grow their businesses and they want to grow their lives. And I'm gonna teach them my curriculum. That of course isn't the only way to lead, but has gotten me through cancer, growing my business and all of the life changes that take place when you're an entrepreneur and a mom and trying to balance it all. So this curriculum is very sacred and special to me and I'm honored to be able to share it with these women. They will come on Friday, enjoy a hot tub and facials and refreshments. We'll get right to work. They're with me until 3 o'clock on Sunday. It is jam packed full of good stuff and I can't wait to see the life changes take place.

So that is happening this weekend. And if you have an organization or a group or if you're a manager at a business and you would like Rebecca to come in and talk about whatever it is, whether it be workplace drama or, or team building or whatever it is, Rebecca can do that as well. Or if It's a family situation or couples or with children or even just you yourself. You want to be a better you. Rebecca is available for private coaching as well. Again, inspired results. Coach.com so how it works here on the air is you go to see my kiss.com and there is a backlog of every. Just about every segment.

Four years worth.

Oh my God. That, that Rebecca has come in and helped different throughout central New York with whatever's going on in their world. Sometimes we just talk. Sometimes we take emails from listeners. And you can submit yours confidentially@cnykiss.com today I would like to talk about relationships and I seem to. People come because of you. People come to me like, seriously, this, this happens a lot. People come to me with whatever's going on in. You know, because I think I'm. Some people think I'm the saf one that than you like, they don't like talking to you maybe intimidates them so that like I'm the. I'm like the step, like the step down. I would like to talk about relationships and some relationships that are extreme on both ends. And what I mean by that is it's either really, really good or really, really bad. And there, there seem to be a lot of them and no one really knows why. Is it the. Is it the players involved? Is it the. The personalities of the people in the relationship? Is it something that happened in a relationship or maybe that's not even a fair thing to say without specific things, but it seems like there's a lot of relationships that go from one extreme to the other. They're either super duper lover, lovey dovey or they're at each other's throats. Can we, can we talk a little bit about that? Do you need more specifics about.

I don't absolutely understand.

Wind up Rebecca silence and let her go.

Okay, I understand the dynamic. But first of all, I think you're so cute because I think you actually love this work and ultimately want to be a life coach in some ways. So I think people are coming to you because you love the work.

You know what? You know what it is? I'm. I because of you, number one, you have changed my life for the better in a million different ways. And I will say that from the top of a mountaintop. But the thing is I am. I'd be afraid of like being upset when they don't take the coaching. You know, like I would take it personal. Right.

That's a whole nother.

That's like, that's like that's like being the friend and, you know, getting upset because, you know, they came to you with the problem. You're like, okay, well, you gave them.

The advice and they didn't take it right.

You know, it's like. It's like Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, don't go back to each other. But yet they do. You'd be the coach that yells at them, what are you doing? There's no crying in baseball.

But you love the work, which I think is so sweet.

I do enjoy helping people.

I know you do, and I totally get the question in terms of that, it's either all good or it's all bad. Very black and white thinking that can go on in relationships. And I think everyone out there, on some level, can relate even if they haven't been in that dynamic. You for sure know one know somebody else who has.

Exactly.

Where we go from, you know, everything is fantastic to, we just broke up and it's the same week, right? So that can happen. But I do think actually taking it personally can be part of that. And then just keep in mind that relationships really are mirrors. So the most deep and profound personal growth experience that you can ever have is being in a romantic relationship. That is the closest that you'll get to being able to see the parts of yourself that scare you, that you don't like and that you want to run away from. Being in a close relationship is a mirror, because this person is always reflecting you back at you, always.

How it happens in a relationship, how does that.

So you're so close, right? So we've talked a lot on this show about drama, right? And so imagine everybody out there, that each person has this little drama triangle inside of them. And then the closer you get to somebody, and this doesn't only happen in romantic relationships. This is just usually the deeper, more profound connection.

Okay?

But as you get closer to somebody, so do your drama triangles. So now the relationship has a whole new drama triangle. And that's what magnifies everything that is and isn't working in your life. Everything that you love about yourself, everything that maybe you're shut down about or insecure about, gets reflected back at you by the other person. Because in intimacy, and this isn't just physical, it's emotional intimacy. You get to see where you want to run, where you shut down, and what you're judging about your partner. This is really why I'm suggesting that they are a mirror for you. What you're judging about them, your opinions about them that are critical are really what you think about yourself.

Wow. Yeah. She just blew my mind. I know.

And then their judgments and negative opinions about you. Well, maybe it's accurate. It's still about them. So what'll happen is if you buy somebody else's negative opinion of you and believe it and take it on, then you have work to do. But it really can be, deep down.

You may already believe it yourself. Even though it hasn't thought of it.

Wouldn't it affect you or trigger you if it didn't resonate on some level? Okay, so this is why relationships are the most profound.

So, like. So, like, if Rebecca and I were fighting and, you know, we were in a relationship, and I said, you're purple. You know, and, like. And, you know, if she really felt deep down that she was purple, she'd be like, oh, my God, I'm purple. Right? Like, that's. That's like, that's what you're saying, Right?

So if you and I are in a relationship, let's take it a little more specifically, okay? You and I are in a relationship, and I tell you, you don't care about me. You. You're gonna abandon me, and if there's a part of you that really wants to run, you're gonna be affected. If there's a part of you that's like, yeah, I'm not going anywhere, no matter what you do, it wouldn't affect you.

Okay?

So either on some level this resonates with you and you believe it, or you're so clear that it's not true, that you can just literally hold space and get through it with the other person. So when we're talking about in relationships, like, going to these extremes, I'm just suggesting that the upset individual is carrying is something that is going on in them, that's in the way of them having a great relationship. So it's something to hire a therapist or a coach or a mentor to deal with, because the other person is not powerful enough to make you that upset. If you're upset, you've already got beliefs and insecurities that need to be dealt with and aren't going away, even if you get the other person to change or behave how you want them to change. So no one can make you up upset. These upsets are already in there. And then we get afraid of dealing with them. And then what I see work beautifully for couples is when we just tackle the truth of what's going on that is upsetting each person so that they can each get through individually to get closer again.

So how do tackle the truth. A lot of times, if you try to tackle those truths, how do you do it and not cause another fight? Because a lot of times you'll be in.

So don't be afraid of the fight. Well, be willing to fight.

Most people are. No, most people don't want to fight. Most people when it. When things are good, people break up. They don't want to. They don't want to rock the boat. And that's so. And then. And then it goes back and forth again.

And conflict is the way to more intimacy. Don't be afraid of it. Now, I do not recommend getting blamey and attacking or emotionally or physically abusive. I don't want fighting to be more drama.

It's about how you present it.

Maybe. So there's a different way to fight. Let's talk about fighting clean and fighting fair for a second. Conflict means that this thing is in the way of you having the best relationship possible. So when conflict happens, it's a good thing. And you don't have to believe me. But what would happen if you were more willing to embrace the conflicts that show up so that you never have to have that fight again? When people avoid the fight, it has to keep coming up. So if you're having the same fights, that's definitely the time to hire out some help, Therapist, mentor, coach. What I want to teach people how to do is have the fight and then never need to have it again because we got through it. So conflict's a good thing. If we don't handle it, it will keep coming back. So a way to fight fair is to own what's going on with you. I call it I statements or imessages, where you're only talking about you and accountable for your experience. You're not blaming, you're not threatening. You're not talking about what the other person's doing. One of the most dangerous things you can do is you. Messages where you did this, you did that. Now I feel this way because of you. That's only gonna breed more drama.

Yeah, people get defensive when you say.

That, and that fire just gets bigger. So instead I'm scared of being left. I'm terrified you're gonna abandon me. I really want this relationship is only talking about me. And then the truth is that if a relationship is meant to last, it will, regardless of anything that's going on. So there's this wonderful spiritual practice called A Course in Miracles. And one of the lessons in A Course in Miracles is nothing real can be threatened.

So when you're in relationship, nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing real can be threatened.

Okay.

So when you're in relationship, if both people are committed and willing to do whatever it takes to get through conflict, to get through anything that's going on, that relationship will last. And then if it doesn't, it's just not meant to continue anymore. There's something better waiting for you. So I think a lot of people operate out of fear of the relationship ending, and in that, they miss having the relationship in the first place. And it's either gonna last and you're either gonna make it or it's gonna end and you're gonna have somebody else. But in the meantime, while you're in a relationship, my coaching is to be all in, 100%, to embrace conflict when it happens. And when it happens, talk about what's going on with you, how you're feeling, what you're wanting, the solutions that you think are gonna help, and then work on just continuing that intimacy and that communication.

She is local life Coach Rebecca Silence. InspiredResultsCoach.com and make sure you like her on Facebook as well.

Rebecca, I want to say one more.

Thing about inspired results. Yes.

Thank you. So the extremes are letting you know how much you care when it's all wonderful and then all terrible. That really means that both people care, because if you didn't care, it'd be like, yeah, I don't have time for this. I'm not interested in investing any energy. So you can use that energy to grow closer and to grow the relationship instead of operating from so much fear that you're gonna lose the relationship.

If you would like Rebecca to address something that's going on in your world, go to cnykiss.com, submit your story confidentially, and we'll handle here confidentially on the air this time next week. Rebecca, thank you so much.

Thank you, everybody. Have a great week.

We're gonna break. Come back Big Papa and Pana in the morning on KISS fm.