Confession Tuesday 4-1-14 "BECOMING THE WIFE I HATE"

It is a Confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.

Good morning.

Yeah, we just. We got. We're in because of the sidekick and everything. I absolutely, like, petition to get, like, upgrades and, yeah. Tweak stuff in the. In the studio.

So I'm trying to look good in here.

Yeah. So I'm so, like, the, like, all the mic processing is a little bit different, so I'm tweaking stuff on the fly here. Let's see. Here's how it works. Rebecca is a life coach, and. And the way it works here on a Confession Tuesday is you go to cnykiss.com, you tell us your story, and we help you here on the air absolutely free and confidentially. And as we're helping you, we absolutely help so many other people because you'd actually be surprised the amount of people that are going through something similar that you are.

Right. We all have the same set of issues. It's just the way it is. We can all relate to all the same stuff. So what we're doing is getting solutions in place and looking at faulty belief systems, past emotional patterns, and figuring out what you can do to help yourself.

And for details on Rebecca and what she does. Inspired results coach.com. inspired results coach.com you have a chance to see her tonight for coaching circles and at a really cool event that actually got invited to tomorrow. But we'll get into that coming up in just a bit. But right now, you ready for. For number one? Yes. All right, here we go. Dear Big Papa and Rebecca, I'm looking for some advice. I've been married for 19 years, and this past fall, my husband started distancing himself physically, emotionally, and sexually. He said he loves me but isn't sure that he is in love with me. And things need to change in our relationship to make it better, if it can get better. He says he feels he hadn't been physical enough for. He feels I hadn't been physical enough for him. So I've really been working on that. And now he says I'm overly physical. I asked if I had. I asked if he had found someone else, and he 100% denies that his cell phone is on his person most of the time and is locked at all times. I've had several times where I go to show him something or talk to him and. And he'll be on his phone and he shuts it off immediately and turns it face down so I can't see it. This makes me suspicious. I just don't know what to do anymore. We went on vacation and everything went really well. He was physical and sex was great. Now back home, it's like we were never away together. I'm just beside myself not knowing what to do. My mind is constantly wondering if he is with someone else and how I can get info off his phone. I hate the person I am becoming because of the situation. I'm constantly checking his Facebook to see if he's online or if anyone is posted on his page wondering where he is when he's not work. Not at work, and I am at work. I've asked him to go to marriage counseling and he will not. He says he doesn't believe in that. I've become the jealous, suspicious wife and I totally hate it. I'm fooling myself that he hasn't moved on and I just. It's and just isn't man enough to tell me the truth. I've been losing sleep over this and I'm an emotional mess. I need answers one way or another.

Thank you so much. This is a very brave email.

Yeah. And you're definitely not alone on this.

Absolutely not. Absolutely not on both sides here. So first of all, the good news is that he's talking to you. That's the good news. He's actually communicating what isn't working. So. So that's a great place to start.

But at the same time, she's trying to, you know, she's listening. You know, it's not physical enough. She tries to set up the physical and then he communicates that that that's too much physical. So. Well, it's a, you know, it's catch.

22, because in relationships, I believe both people are responsible for getting their own needs met. So what I want to say is there's never going to be anything you can do to make your husband happy. Everybody understand that there's nothing you can do to make your partner happy. That's their responsibility. And this is a really common misconception about relationships that it's my job to make my partner happy and if they're not happy, it's my fault. I call BS on that because the only person that can make anyone happy is them.

Right.

So it's not your job to make him happy. What I like is that he's trying to communicate about what he needs. But what I don't want is for you to take on if he's not getting his needs met, it's your fault.

Okay?

Right. Because there's nothing you can do there. We can hold up as many hoops as we want for the other person, and they're going to always fall short because it's just impossible to meet those hoops all the time. So, you know, the next thing I want to talk about is getting responsible for getting your needs met in your. In your relationship. Most relationships, I find, are very codependent. And what I mean by that.

No.

Is there's a neediness for the other person to be a certain way for you to be okay.

Okay?

So anytime you want the other person to be a certain way for you to be okay, I'm gonna call that codependence.

Okay.

And what happens in co dependence and why relationships end after 19 years or 30 years, I believe is because when we're codependent and it's almost like you become super enmeshed, you and the other person get all wrapped up into one and the relationship in essence starts to suffocate itself because both people have now lost their individual identities. Because now everything's about the relationship, right? And when that happens, people get resentful and they end up rebelling and want their identity back. And this is why relationships end after such a long period of time together, because eventually losing your identity gets old and people want it back.

All right, so you're. You're this woman, and she's feeling the distance from her husband and. And she's turning into something that she hates. And a lot of people have been in that situation where they feel themselves, and all of a sudden they look in the mirror and they hate the person that they see in the mirror because of the things that they're doing and the way that they're feeling. How can. What's step one to kind of right the ship? You start with yourself, Right?

Right. So what I'm going to suggest is taking the power back and getting responsible for making your own life work the way you want it to, with or without him.

Now explain how you take the power back, because that's very strong words and that's. You know, a lot of times people will push back really hard, but that's.

Not necessarily the case. So what I'm talking about is anytime that we're in fear and feeling powerless, which is what I'm hearing in this email, right. She almost feels powerless, saying she's an emotional mess. She's saying she's losing sleep. I'm going to call that giving your power up to the other person.

Okay?

And what I'm saying is instead of giving your power up to the other person, putting all your focus on them, put it on Yourself, what type of relationship are you looking for? What if you got responsible for saying to your partner, hey, this actually isn't the type of relationship I want where there's secrets, where we're not working on it. I want a relationship that's growing. I'm putting words in your mouth and making things up. But if you came to the table knowing exactly what you're looking for, then you'd know really fast whether he's in or not. Either he's going to be willing to work with you or he won't. And then you have a decision to make. But you cannot right the sinking ship all by yourself. It takes two people to either grow this relationship or to redefine it or to end it.

I think the hardest part is just, you know, a lot of people know already, but they're afraid to have that conversation or to take, to take that next step. And so they'll deal with all kinds of crap because they're afraid of taking that next step because they know, quote unquote, that you know what the next step is. And you can kind of feel it. You know, people almost have like a sixth sense. Am I wrong or no?

Well, I would disagree with you. I think the part I agree with is people think they're right. But what I want you to get is that when you think you're right, you're going to be right. So whatever you believe to be true, you're going to prove it. Right? So I want you to be careful because until you've had empowered conversations where you actually come to the table knowing exactly what you're looking for, you put it out there, you make it attractive. Until that happens, you don't know.

Okay?

Because it takes someone stepping into leadership in the relationship for things to go in a new direction. So either people are leading down a fear based road of self destruction or people are leading down a road of possibility. And if both people are just feeling powerless and yep, this just sucks, then nothing can change.

All right, so what's, what's the homework for this woman?

So the homework is to get really responsible for creating a relationship you love, regardless of whether or not it's with the current partner. Okay, And I agree that this could sound harsh, but what's the alternative? Get the relationship you're looking for and just understand you can never make anybody else change. And I think a lot of people don't want to try to change another person. But if you don't get committed to what you're looking for, you won't have it so get so committed to what you're looking for that your partner knows you're doing this regardless, with or without that person, and see what happens. Then get really committed and be willing to never settle for anything less than what you're wanting. So my thought number one homework is to write out exactly what you're looking for. To spell it out like, this is the type of relationship that I want. This is what I want for my life. Get really, really clear and then you can come to the table not from a victimy place, poor me, why don't I have it? But from a. I'm really excited because this is what I'm creating for myself and I want so much for you to be a part of it. Are you interested?

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com do you agree? Do you disagree? Use hashtag Confession Tuesday. And coming up, we have another segment. Go to cnykiss.com tell us your story. We'll handle it here on the air confidentially. And coming up next, we'll actually inform finalist number two of the sidekick search. More Confession Tuesday coming up next here on KISS fm.