Confession Tuesday 4/12/16 EX'S CO-PARENTING

But right now, it is a confession. Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.

Good morning.

So it doesn't matter what's going on in your world, whether it be family stuff, whether it be career stuff, whether it be, you know, relationship stuff, even if it's workplace drama or whatever. You really, number one, you've done a bunch of corporate talks and whatnot on, on literally running the gamut as far as stuff goes.

Absolutely. It's basically, what are you up against? And I work with individuals, couples, families in the private practice. And then I also do corporate trainings where I teach conflict resolution, communication, goal setting, team building, all in a very unconventional way that really, really lands and is unforgettable. I get countless reports after the corporate trainings that this is so much more interesting than a typical corporate training and very, very helpful. Last week I got the privilege of speaking to the leadership Mo Valley graduating class and I also did a training on moving through obstacles with Liberty Mutual Insurance. So lots of fun. And if you go to the website inspired results coach.com, you can see all of the options for corporate trainings and everything else that I offer, including the individual coaching retreats. And there's more.

And, and also if you have a, an organization with children, you do some fantastic talks for not only, you know, for, for school children or, you know, that stuff, the anti bullying stuff.

I do an assertiveness training. I'm a former school counseling coordinator and I've developed a training where I teach the difference between passive communication, aggressive communication, and finally assertive communication where I respect myself and other people. And that's wonderful with the kids.

And if you want more details on that, you can like Rebecca's silence of inspired results on Facebook. And of course you can go to inspiredresultscoach.com what we do here on a Tuesday is we answer your emails, we take a subject, and Rebecca literally breaks it to the nitty gritty. You literally. You're like a drama repellent. Seriously. Because when people have issues, there's a lot of drama and a lot of times when they go to tell the story, you cut through all the crap and get to the root of what, whatever it is.

Yes, we get to solution.

Right.

And find a way to get you stronger because of the situation instead of more in trouble or in drama because of the situation.

And if you would like to be a part of confidentially, of course you can go to cny kiss.com just click on Confession Tuesday and you're good to go. All right, so Dear Rebecca, my friend and his ex wife have a pretty contentious relationship. Things between the two of them did not end well. They're divorced now, but they have a 7 year old son and his ex wife totally uses their kid to get back at him. She'll give him these stupid haircuts where the shot the sides are shaved and has one long hair in the middle. Keeps telling her stop doing it, but she won't. So he literally has to go get the kid's haircut every two or three months when she does it. I can't imagine using a kid as a pawn to get back at your ex husband or wife. But maybe it's more common than I realize. Do you know anyone who uses their kids like that? What do they do?

Yeah. So of course this isn't actually about the child's haircut and it is very common after a second split to have difficulty co parenting amicably. Right. This is not anything abnormal, but it's possible for co parents, even if they're no longer together, to still be a united front. One of the things that I offer are couples intensives where I work with couples on repairing and reinventing their relationship. And more recently I actually have several couples who are split or divorced and they're wanting to figure out how to be co parents as a united front.

Wow.

Buying the cost intensive package for me. And we sit down for either one day or the full weekend and we work out a plan for them to have a shared vision, the same set of tools and to be on the same page. This is something new that's just starting to happen this year.

That's got to be, that's got to be very interesting because you know, when you're in, you know, a family setting or whatever, I mean these are two individuals that have, you know, decided mutually that they don't want to stay together romantically but want to do what's best.

For they're both this child's parent forever. Right. So it's difficult and I really respect the people that are willing to come in and work on this so that they can be better for the child. And the child of course is the one caught in the crossfire. And the child has no control over what the parents are doing and of course cares about the parents and picks up on energy even if they're not bashing each other verbally, if they're cringing or body language shows that they're unhappy with the other parent, the picks up.

On all of this.

So there is a way to come together as a Team. I think what gets very, very difficult is when you've split and you're co parenting and going through all this, what ends up happening is it's very easy to take what the other person is doing personally and forget that the priority is the child. And then what the other person is doing actually isn't personal. It's just what they do. And it's probably why you're not together in the first place. Right. So it's not about being right, about winning some war with a co parent. It really does come down to what's best for the child. But that gets in the way because of personal feelings.

Right.

So the other thing to keep in mind is that the child is starting the grieving process or the divorce process long after the parents actually did. So that's another thing to keep in mind. I often see parents also kind of wanting their children to catch up to where they are emotionally in terms of being solid about the decision. But often the couple has been planning this for months, if not years.

Yeah. The parents have had so much time to kind of deal with the whole thing, and they keep it. They try to keep the child out of it nine times out of 10. And so when, you know, the bomb drops, it's gonna take a while. I mean, that's just. That's just human nature.

Absolutely. And then the child kind of starts from scratch as soon as they find out. So that's just something else to keep in mind. And then I think what's most important in these situations is for the parents to have a shared vision. What are your goals? What are your beliefs around health and education and discipline and proactive parenting? A lot of times, people that are even together haven't had these conversations and have trouble getting on the same page with how they want to raise their children. But it's especially important if we have two separate houses, ideally. Obviously, there are some similar rules and routines and structure at both homes. Sometimes that's not possible. And I just think it's important to have that conversation, if at all possible, to try to figure out, okay, what are our goals ahead of time so that it isn't reactive parenting. Okay, now our child is getting in trouble in social media. What do we do? Well, instead, it's possible to have a conversation about social media before there's a problem. It's possible to talk about cell phones. It's possible to talk about the friends and sleepovers. What are the rules? What are the chores we want our children to be doing? And if you can come together knowing that it's for your child and not to prove some point. It's not you being punished, having to deal with this person. It's for the child. I think it's really important to have as many proactive conversations as possible.

One of the things that I found when I went through the divorce with the boy's mom and everything, when I realized that, you know, when I came to terms with the fact that, you know, we each do things our own separate way and I can't control things when they're not with me. And I think a lot of people have problem letting that go. You know, they want to parent even when they're not with them. And that's something that I think a lot of people have problems with. Am I right with that?

Well, I think you're right. And what the solution is is to have this shared vision and proactive conversations ahead of time if at all possible. And then you know you're doing the best you can. That's all you can do. I've been divorced. My older daughter has a father that lives in another state. You know, she's got a stepfather here. It's not easy. That's a whole other can of worms. Now you've introduced a step parent and trying to have that shared vision with the step parent because this isn't actually their biological child and they may not have the same philosophies. So what I recommend is first and foremost knowing what your philosophies are and great exercises to journal that. What are your beliefs about discipline? What are your beliefs about technology? What are your beliefs about friends? What are your beliefs about education and healthcare? And just kind of make a list or journal about where you stand. Then it's possible to say, hey, when you have some time, I'd really love to have a conversation about what you feel is best for our child. I want to understand you better so that we can be a united front, so that we can be on the same page. Invite them to sit down with you, but do it from a place of I want to understand you better first because then you can hear their perspective. Compare it to your written document of where you stand and try to come together. And what I also want to say about this is that it isn't weak to get help. It actually, I think takes strength to be vulnerable enough to say, hey, I'm in over my head. This conflict is suffocating our family and I want some support. Hire a therapist, hire a coach, hire a mentor to get on the same page with the other co parent, especially for the child just to have somebody to talk to. I actually had Madison in counseling very early and I think it's so beneficial just to have that safe space to open up and, you know, anything in the way, bring it out. Then make sure that you keep in mind that the goal is the child as much as possible. When you're communicating, when you're interacting with the child or the other co parent, make sure that you're putting the child best interests at heart first. And if you're charged up and upset, I would just invite you to wait to do anything. No action from a charged up fear based place where you're in drama. Just wait.

Nothing good can come from that.

Right? It'll just escalate.

Absolutely.

And then you're human. You're allowed to be charged up. Just wait to take action.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com on a confession Tuesday. What's going on in your world? Submit your topic, your issue, your drama@cnykiss.com we'll handle it this time next Tuesday.

Yeah. And it doesn't need to be a lifetime of this didn't work. It's just time to reinvent with the other co parent so that we can all move forward peacefully.

Inspired results coach.com and you can like Rebecca silence of inspired results on Facebook. Thank you so much.

Great time. Thank you. Have a great week.

All right, we're gonna break him back. Big papa and Bannon in the morning on KISS fm.