Big Papa and life coach Rebeccah Silence answer a listener asking whether to date their best friend's ex. Silence suggests pausing when you feel doubt, making a pros/cons list, and checking if you're seeking to be rescued rather than building something real.
Austin Mahone and Pitbull at 97-910-55 Kiss FM 7:39. A big papa in the morning. Morning clouds. Afternoon showers with a high of 62. Right now, 56 degrees. Sidekick search week three. Liz is in studio and of course it is confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio and coaching Circle tonight. Yes.
Yes. Seven o' clock at the office in Main Street. It's 156 Main street in Whitesboro.
So for people who don't know what the Coaching Circle is, why don't you just kind of explain what it is? Because this, it's kind of like having like a one on one. It's almost like being able to like test drive.
It's a mini.
It's like test driving. You.
Okay? I don't.
Maybe that's. Maybe that's bad phrasing.
But it's a mini workshop. Oh, it's an hour working with me.
Yeah, that's.
That's setting.
That's way better than what I, the way I put it.
Yeah, it's an hour working with me in a group setting. And what we're going to actually talk about tonight in the Coaching circle is what type of communicator are you? That's what we're going to talk about.
I got nothing. I got nothing.
That's what type of communicator he is.
Yeah. Details at Inspired Results Coach.
Fifteen bucks an hour, 7 to 8pm 156 Main street in Whitesboro.
Yeah. Inspired Results Coach.com and like them on Facebook, Follow them on Twitter and get to all of your details there. Are you ready for. For email number two?
Yes.
All right, here we go. Dear Rebecca and Big Papa. My best friend from childhood and her boyfriend broke up a couple months ago when he found out that she cheated on him. I've been there for both her and him during the breakup and whatnot. At this point, my best friend has started to date the guy that she cheated with. And I'm starting to get feelings for her ex and he for me in parentheses. I can tell should I act on.
Okay, so the first thing I want to say is thank you for your email. And affairs are very common. So I just want to put that out there that affairs are more common than I even realized. I'll be honest. I mean, I see affairs a lot in my private practice. And what I'm wanting people to think about when they think of an affair is you've heard me talk a lot about the drama triangle, how there's three different roles. There's Victims where we're the doormat, poor me. There's persecutor, where you're bulldozer blaming. And the third role in the drama triangle is rescue.
Okay.
And this is where you're seeking someone saving you from the situation or yourself. The rescuer is trying to be like the hero swooping in to save the day. But what happens when people are rescuing is they usually get kicked by the one they're trying to save. So if you've ever tried to help and it blew up in your face, consider the possibility that that was a rescue.
Right.
And that's what I want people to think about when they think of affairs. Affairs are a rescue. Affairs are.
Affairs are rescue.
Affairs are a rescue. Why the relationship is looking to be rescued. When we were talking last segment about drama and they're not being a big enough game and we're using drama as excitement, an affair can be a message that the relationship is in trouble, obviously. And so what I'm saying is when people are having an affair in the drama triangle, the affair is the rescue from the relationship. So a victim. Right, right. Can't exist without somebody to blame and looking for someone to save them. So the affair is the victim looking to be saved.
Okay.
Does that make sense? Yeah. Right. So an affair is just a rescue.
Well, it's people trying to use that as a rescue.
Exactly.
Okay.
Yep. Yep. And of course, like I said earlier, the rescue is going to blow up. It never actually. See, rescue is not support. Support is where you have permission to help someone. They've asked for your advice. You're not treating them like a victim. Right. Rescue means you're treating people like they're victims who need saving. So. So it never actually works out.
You're kind of talking and you're losing me right now. Okay, so. Okay, so go ahead.
So what I'm wanting people to think about, just real simply, is if there is an affair going on, you might be a victim to your relationship.
Okay?
So just pay attention to that. And the affair is not going to save you. It's just gonna make the situation worse. And a lot of times when we're a victim to the relationship, an affair can happen. So now for you, for this email. Okay, you're talking about, should I act on these feelings? What should I do when you're questioning. Right. Wait, wait. To make any decisions while you're in this place of should I, shouldn't I? Because doubt is definitely loud and a message to you that maybe you're not wanting to take these steps yet.
Okay.
And it doesn't mean you don't want to take the steps eventually. It's just notice when you're doubting. And this doesn't have to just be in romantic situations. This could also be in professional situations. Any situation. If you have your intuition saying, I'm not sure, pay attention. There's a reason why you're questioning yourself. And that doesn't have to mean that you have low self confidence. It could just be your intuition saying, wait a minute. So what I would encourage you to do is before you're making any type of decision, anybody out there listening actually make a list of the pros and the cons, meaning what are the benefits? What are the possible repercussions?
I'm just. I'm thinking. I'm thinking of the, of the piece of paper right now because we're talking about a girl who is, you know, contemplating hooking up with her exes, her best friend's ex, you know, so to hook up with her ex, to not hook up with her ex. Pros and cons.
Seriously, though, I mean, if you're gonna do this, you probably want it to be an educated decision, right?
Oh, sure.
So why not? And it doesn't matter what decision we're talking about, because every decision we make impacts our lives and the lives of other people.
Absolutely.
So what I'm wanting you to do is think about it and if. See if it's really something that you know you're gonna regret later. Writing it out, you can help you make a decision a lot faster. Putting it into perspective. And you got to think about, like, are you willing to lose your friend? Are you willing to deal with the possible ramifications of this decision?
Right.
Are you willing to say, I'm proud of this decision no matter what happens, no matter whether or not people are mad at me, I'm still proud of the decision and I stand by it.
I was just gonna say, a lot of times, if you step. Take a step back and try to step away from the situation and look at it from fresh eyes, a lot of times that will help you. I think that when, say, you know, writing the list, I think that's a way of doing that. Is that what you're saying?
Yeah. And on the flip side, again, I want you to think about, are you looking for this relationship to save you from yourself in some way? And if you are, that's really damaging and it's probably gonna blow up. So think about everyone listening, the possibility that you don't need saving. Adults can't be victims because we're adults. We're a choice. We have resources, we have tools, we have strategies. We have support systems if we use them. But we're not victims. So the affairs, the bad choices sometimes are made in an effort to rescue us from ourselves. And what if you don't need rescue? Then what decisions would you make?
Local life coach Rebecca Silence Inspired Results, Coach.com Coaching Circle Tonight, Details Inspired Results Coach.com if you'd like to have us talk about what's going on in your life, all you have to do, go to cnykiss.com and tell us the story and we'll handle it this time next week.
Thank you so much for the great emails.
Absolutely awesome. We're going to break. Come back coming up. Liz will take the sidekick quiz next here on KISS fm.
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