Confession Tuesday 4/26/16 MY FRIEND HAS BEEN IN A YEAR LONG FUNK

It is a confession. Tuesday Local life coach Rebecca Silence in studio inspired results coach.com amazing phone call.

We just, we just got absolutely so excited for her.

Well, we've been doing this, this segment for, for a few years now for, and wow, I feel old now. But, but the fact is you've been helping people. By helping one person here on the air, you're able to help so many others. And a lot of times the subject matter may not directly to the listener, but what you have to say about it, people can find a way to have it work with them, if that makes sense.

Absolutely. We're all connected. We all go through the same things or at least know someone who's in a similar spot, you know, and there's no pain that we can't relate to. So when people are brave enough to ask questions, it helps more people than they can even know. Your emails are so important. We love them. Email us, keep them coming.

And we of course, we always keep them confidential as well. CNY kiss.com and of course you can hit up Rebecca atinspired results coach.com and like Rebecca Silence of inspired results on Facebook as well. All right, here is the email.

Okay.

Dear Rebecca, this is a, this is kind of segmented, so stay with me on this. Okay, my take on this is she was with a narcissist for three and a half years. Inseparable, kept her from her friends, worked in her business, just very intrusive in a passive aggressive way. Didn't like her few friends, just dismissive and hurtful. After three and a half years of being inseparable and consuming her with all of himself. After they just got a house after three days earlier, he showed her new business locations for a potential second business. After he spoke of futuristic events with her, after he told her he couldn't live without her, he just up and left, never looked back. He told horrible things to people like she cheated. She thought he. Let's see here. Sorry. She thought she threw him out. Basically he played victim to everyone all over Facebook. Now he hated her friends and consumed her with only his. And in a time like this when she has no one to turn to, I helped her the best I could. I felt horrible. She had no answers. I looked up narcissist and it was him to a T. It's been a year and he still hurts. How can I help her get over her being hurt, dumped, dismissed by a narcissist. Sorry, this is crazy how it's written, but there's so much more. Just way too much to type Bottom line, she was completely blindsided, and now she's a bit depressed, or at least not herself at all. He's popular and lovable. She's afraid to go out for fear of running into him. Please help my friend heal.

Okay, so what most of you may not know is I don't actually get the emails prior to the show. So this is the first time I'm hearing this one too. You know, I'm reading between the lines a little bit, but the first piece of it is the woman being discussed in this email allows herself to be controlled. So that's nobody else's fault. Right. So she's allowing herself to give her power away as an adult. And one of the things that I teach is that adults are powerful, whether they want to believe that or not. Right. As fully expressed, resourceful adults, we're not little kids that don't know what to do or need to be told what to do. But people emotionally get blocked from hurt places and times in their childhood, and when they hit it as an adult, sometimes age regress back to that place where they were emotionally stuck. So this woman, when she's feeling powerless, isn't. If you're ever feeling powerless, my coaching is question that you're powerful, and have you just forgotten that there is so much that you have control over? One of my favorite things to say to myself in moments of kind of panic or fear is I'm always at choice.

Right.

I have a choice right now. Off the air, I was just telling you about a choice I have to make, and it's kind of a funny one, but still, it's a big decision, and I'm a choice. I don't actually have to do anything. So one of the things that I do with me and that I coach my clients to do is to wait until they feel clear and empowered before making decisions. If you're scared or feeling powerless, my coaching is wait to take action.

Because how many times do people make.

Decisions when you're gonna have to clean it up later.

Exactly.

It's just gonna blow up more, and then it's okay if, you know, I just made a decision out of fear, and now I have to go clean it up. You're human, but just do best to learn from that and do your best if you're aware, to wait to make a decision if you're scared. So this email sounds like somebody wanting to rescue a person they're perceiving to be a victim. So Cartman's drama triangle. There are three roles. There's victim, which Is where again, when you're in drama, it's not you, it's your thinking. So you may have heard me say that before.

Say that one more time.

So when you're in drama, it's not you, it's your thinking. So this person in the email, I'm not saying what a victim, victim. I'm saying she is being treated by the writer of the email as a victim. But it's her thinking, she is not a victim. She's a powerful, resourceful adult woman making her own choices and essentially making her own bed. So when someone tries to rescue a victim, they will always become the victim. The victim gets resentful of being treated like they're not capable and will kick the rescuer and then the rescuer becomes the victim. So my coaching for the woman in the email is you are fully at choice. Get a therapist, get a mentor, get a coach. Figure out what the pattern is of you setting it up to be told what to do and feeling powerless so that you can break free of that crap. It's ridiculous. You have all the choices in the world and anything you want ahead of you. You do not have to pick controlling people and be really careful of that. You know, if I'm experiencing being controlled, there's a part of me that likes it that way. Just the truth. And so if I don't want that dynamic anymore, it is definitely possible to reinvent the relationship and get out of this weird controlling dynamic. The other piece of it is by.

Reinventing the relationship, it's not necessarily that same relationship with the same person.

It's yes, I'm talking about, yes, you can reinvent that same relationship with that same person to look a different way. Okay, so the other piece I wanted to say is that that controlling stuff, it's called co dependence and it goes both ways. So I guarantee she was trying to control him in some way too. And they manipulate each other and that's how they did intimacy. Not good, not bad, not right, not wrong. And yes, every relationship can be reinvented. And it might not look the same. Like we might not be married anymore, we might be friends now, but you can, if both people are willing to do the work and there's no active addiction or abuse, any relationship is repairable. I do couples intensives with people that want to stay together, with people that want to split up in a space of love. So I every week in my office help couples reinvent. So that's possible. But now for the listener that wrote the email, my coaching is just be really Careful of where you're seeing other people as needing saving and wanting to come in to be the hero, because often that'll blow up. And I'm not sure if this listener is now in a relationship with this person or not. It looks like it could be that she went from this other person to you wanting to lick her wounds and have you take care of her while she goes through this process. But you're worth more than just being needed when someone's in crisis. And there are a lot of people that set it up to be needed when someone else is in crisis, then the person outgrows the crisis, and then they outgrow you, and now you're the victim left out in the cold. So there's nothing wrong with caring. I love that. I think it's beautiful. And there's just a way to care in a way that doesn't sacrifice yourself so that then now you're disposable once the person got through their issue.

Talk about that for a second. Because. So someone comes to you for help, and. And I don't want to say for help, but just, you know, for support and help me get through this. How do you set yourself up to be not just the friend that's the go to when you have a problem, to be more than just that.

Yeah. So if energetically, you're feeling like they need you or they won't be okay, you pretty much know you're setting it up to rescue a victim. They will be fine with or without you. So what I like to teach people is the difference between rescue and support. So support is, you don't need me. I just want to help because you asked me to. We had talked a couple of weeks ago about a homework assignment where I said, don't help anybody unless they ask. I really stand by that hot tip to preserve relationships long term and then just really pay attention in your body. Are you wanting to save them because you're seeing them as desperate and needing saving, or do you just want to help because you care? It seems like semantics, but energetically, there's a big difference there. So support is when you're just committed to the goal and there's no dependency on, if you don't help me, you don't love me. That's where things get sticky, you know? And sometimes I'll say to people, I love you so much. I'm saying no right now because it's just not gonna work long term for us if I agree to this.

And some people are like, well, because you didn't do what my what?

You.

You came to me for help and because you didn't do my suggestion, that means you didn't. And you. You didn't. You don't love me, you don't value me because you didn't do what I suggested, even though you came to me for help.

Right. And so one of my 16 year old clients said once in a coaching session, so, Rebecca, you're telling me that the rescuer just basically keeps the victim saf stuck? I was like, exactly. This is the best definition I've ever heard. Because we need to repeat these lessons until we get it. And if I come in and save you from your lesson, now it has to get louder. And now you have to do it again. And then just understand there's nothing any one person can do to make someone else get that lesson, whatever it is. So if they're not taking your advice, it's because they're not ready to get the lesson. It's totally not personal and it has nothing to do with whether or not they care about what you said. They just might not be ready to hear it yet. So understand that people are gonna do what they're gonna do. Their path is perfect for their highest growth. What I do is I ask people, do you want me to be your friend right now? Do you want feedback? And then if I give feedback, I literally just talk about me and my experience. Well, this is what I've done, but I'm not saying it's what you should do. And then my favorite thing to ask, if someone is in a breakdown, wanting that rescue in that victim mindset, I just ask them, what do you think you should do? And then whatever you decide, no, I'm gonna love you and support you either way. I think that's one of the most powerful things that you can say to somebody. Whatever you decide, I am going to love and support you no matter what.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com this is confession Tuesday. If you would like help from Rebecca here on the air, we do it confidentially. Every Tuesday at this time, go to cnykiss.com and submit your story confidentially. And we'll handle it here. And of course, you can go to inspired results coach.

And it's possible to outgrow your patterns and be careful of where you're setting it up to be rescued and be careful where you're trying to rescue someone else. And then you end up being disposable and left out in the cold.

Absolutely fantastic. Thank you so much, everyone.

Have a great week. Thank you so much for this awesome email, Rebecca.

Silence inspired results. Coach.com gonna break. Come back Big Papa Band in the morning on KISS fm.