Confession Tuesday 4/28/15 "How Do I Make Friends As An Adult?"

It's a confession. Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.

Good morning.

So here's how we roll on a Tuesday. It's going up on a Tuesday. You go to cnykiss.com and you send us an email. And the way it works is everything is confidential. And Rebecca is a life coach and she will work through whatever your situation is confidentially and for free here on the air. And as she helps you, she ends up helping so many others just. Just by, you know, talking about it. Because there's so many people. You know, people think that they have. Their. Their problem is so individualized, but a lot of people have something that's very, very similar.

You are not alone. And it doesn't even have to be a major problem. If it's something that's just getting in the being happy, which I think is our life purpose, just to be happy, then share so that other people can get whatever good stuff we end up discussing on the air.

And of course, with that, when you go to cnykiss.com There is an archive of all of our past, of all of our past things as well, of our past segments. And yeah, so CNY kiss.com on the left hand side, you're good to go. All right, are you ready?

I'm ready.

All right, here we go. Dear Rebecca, I was born and raised around Utica and had moved away when I got married due to my husband being in the military. Now that I'm divorced, I've moved back to the area and I've never felt so alone. I know I lost touch with a lot of my friends due to becoming a military spouse and moving around a lot. Facebook helped me to keep in touch with my friends and family. But now that I'm back, it seems I only interact with others online, which really has me feeling lonely and isolated a lot of the time. A friend that I have is often busy. We only meet up once every few months or so, even though she only lives like 20 minutes away. How do I go about making new friends?

This is such a great email and one that's actually near and dear to my heart. I'm someone who has moved all over the country thinking that this new city, this new place would make me feel whole. And it never did. And so, first of all, congratulations for facing whatever it is that you've got going on that being back in Utica is bringing up. And I do have to acknowledge that there are so many haters in this community that talk about, oh, my gosh, Utica. It's So awful. It's so awful. Well, here's the thing. This is an incredible place to live. It gives me goosebumps saying that raising my family here, having my business here, and being a part of this community has been so incredible. And I was someone who felt exactly like you did, who swore I would never move back here, and if I did, it would be like hell on earth. Right. And that just hasn't been the case.

So.

So my coaching for you is first and foremost, be willing to sit with the uncomfortability of being lonely. This loneliness is in you, regardless of where you live. It sounds like there may be some grief and some past stuff around the divorce that could be coming up. And just know it sounds like in your email you're recognizing the fact that Utica isn't the problem, that there's this hole in you. And I just want to encourage you to, to reach out. If you're waiting for people to come to you, it's going to be a long road. People probably don't know you want them to come to you. We train people how to treat us. And we know, oh, certain people, they just sit home and they do their thing. If I say no to invitations multiple times, people are gonna start inviting me. So if you can be brave enough to put yourself out there, that would be step two. Step one is to sit with the discomfort. Just give it a big hug. Be willing to feel whatever feelings are coming up. Anger, loneliness, sadness, grief, whatever it is. And when you're alone and feeling those darker emotions, don't let it scare you. It's not feeling the feelings that ends up killing us. Feeling those feelings never do actually hurt us. It's only gonna give you freedom. So write, sit in a bathtub, go for a walk, whatever you need to do, but sit with the feelings. And then second, I want you to start putting yourself out there. Take a risk. And if you put yourself out there and people are just blowing you off, screw up.

Okay, so. And you're saying put yourself out there. And I think. I think she's gotten to the point where she is okay with, you know, being the lonely. I think she's already got step one.

I just don't want her to make it wrong.

No, I understand, but I think her and a lot of people's issue is how do you put yourself?

That's where we're going.

I think that's. I think that's the big thing. How do you do that?

Yeah. So number one, in your mind, I want you to get ready for it. And I want you to be willing to do it because you may experience people blowing you off or what you perceive as rejection. Be okay with that. Because what I want you to consider is that you're almost weeding out the garden of the people in your life. If people don't care enough to show up or work with you and get together with you, then let them go. It doesn't make them a bad person. But I don't want you beating your head against a wall, inviting the same people and feeling disappointed. So be willing to put yourself out there means actually pick up a phone, make a phone call. I don't even want you to text or message on social media. I want you to get intimate, raw, vulnerable. Put yourself out there. Intimacy. A way I describe it is intu me see you're letting people in. So pick up the phone. And I would start small if you just been isolating and sitting at home. Call two people a week. That's it. Set up dates to actually get coffee or go to lunch or go to a park, go for a walk, whatever you want to do. But twice a week, pick up a phone and call somebody new and start setting up appointments. Now, another thing you can do is get into a place where there's social activity, like a gym or even, depending on where you are, a library, a gym. There are lots of different events going on. You can take a class at Munson Williams or the Kirkland Art Center. But another thing I want you to do is at least once a week put yourself in a social situation. I don't care what it is. I don't care if it's a yoga class or you're going to the tram to listen to open mic night. But put yourself in a social setting once a week. And then I want you to call two different people every single week and invite them to hang out with you.

And don't get frustrated if schedules don't happen and whatever, but do take notice if they make counter offers or put the effort back into you, because that's a telling tale sign as well.

Right? I want to say it a different way. I think what you're saying is really important, Gary, but I want you to be committed to actually getting together with people. So don't give up and be willing to work as long as it takes until you make a date happen. Because yeah, there are going to be scheduling issues potentially. But I think the biggest thing is getting out of the one toe in the water stage and going all in. Because seriously, what do you have to lose at this point, I want you to consider that if you're already home and feeling this darkness and loneliness, putting yourself out there, at least you're alive again. At least you're setting your life up and not waiting to live your life. Everyone out there, especially with everything I've been through the last three months, what are you waiting for? Go live your life and put yourself out there because nobody is gonna do it for you. And then the final piece I wanna say is that like attracts. So just know that you're going to attract like minded individuals, not cookie cutter versions of yourself. But if you're wanting more for your life, you're gonna attract people who want more for their life. If you're doom and gloom and looking for the problems and reasons to run, you're gonna attract doom and gloom and problems and people that also look for reasons to run. So just get that what you're doing to make your life the way you want it is going to attract a new audience of people into your support system and let the people go who are bringing you down and they're not bad and it's not their fault. But be willing to weed out that garden so that you can have a life that you're actually feeling happy with and you're out there in the world living local life.

Coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com it is a confession Tuesday. Go to cnykiss.com and click on the icon. Tell your story and we'll help you right here on the air. We're gonna break and come back. Another question coming up next year on KISS FM on a confession Tuesday.